16 Candles

Bubba is NOT pictured above..

Bubba turned 16 yesterday and as usual, it wasn’t without drama.

We were kind of stressing about this birthday.

Not because he would start bugging us to learn how to drive .. or because he thinks it’s some magical age that allows him to stay up to all hours of the night.. or because he now thinks he can command Spaz to do his bidding.

Chief and I were both a little thrown under because Bubba’s last 2 birthdays were kind of slighted because of other things going on.

And let’s face it, birthdays are important to people.. kids especially.

When we first started to discuss moving back in October, we told the kids that it would be better for all of us financially. And since Bubba’s birthday was then 4 months away, we did the absolute wrong thing and told him that since our finances would be better he wouldn’t have to suffer through a horrible birthday. We thought it would ease the blow a little.

Boy, were we wrong.. and boy, did it blow up in our faces.

So Friday was his 16th birthday .. a milestone.. and we have a little over 11.00 in the bank.

Not being able to have a Christmas this year and now not going to be able to have a birthday for Bubba really, REALLY brought Chief down lower then I’ve seen him in a long time. He felt like a failure.. worse then that actually.. and I, for once, was powerless to do anything.

Chief had told me he tossed and turned all night.. up.. down.. up.. down.. in.. out.. in.. out.. and a few times sobbing.

This morning he woke Spaz up for school and while he prepared him breakfast and Spaz was in the shower, I stayed in the bedroom snuggling with Ernie.

And then all hell broke loose.

I’m not exactly sure what set it off.. but I do know that it had something to do with Spaz being Spaz and his belief that the Crack Whore is the Mother of the Millenium and hearing that caused Chief to say something under his breath that Spaz heard which made Spaz say something completely disrespectful to his father.

And Chief let him have it .. telling him that at his age, he was going to hear just how great and wonderful that Crack Whore was.. and how he wasn’t important enough to her to pay 21.00 a week for his support. Spaz started crying and Chief told him that that’s exactly what he’s been doing all week because he couldn’t get anything for Bubba.. and how they are of no help when it comes to conserving energy or gas or hot water..

Did those things need to be said? Yes.

Did they need to be said in that way at that time? Um.. probably not.

But understand that what doesn’t get said at our house, gets said to them at hers.. and she isn’t one to be fair and impartial. That’s been WELL documented here.

But I couldn’t change what was going on in the living room but I knew that if Chief got to that point, he was way more stressed and depressed then I thought.

So sitting on the bed, I’m trying to figure out what I can do.. ANYTHING I can do.. and I saw the Playstation 3 sitting on the desk and it hit me.. sell the thing on Craigslist.

I like having my own PS3 .. I can play what I wanted to play when I wanted to play it without having to hear the boys complain that THEY wanted to play THEIR games… so even though it may have been an easy decision for some, it wasn’t for me.

Well.. let me rephrase that …

In the grand scheme of things, the PS3 isn’t important at all.. but there was a little piece of me that felt like, one again, I was the one making the sacrifice.

That didn’t last long.. like I said.. grand scheme of things.

So I went on Craigslist and saw how much this particular unit was going for (PS3 160gb) and posted an ad listing the selling price at a little bit under what everyone else had their’s listed for .. and I’m truly sorry about that, other sellers! I just needed to unload it and unload it quick.

And boy … that thing wasn’t up for 5 minutes before I started getting bombarded with texts and emails. I had never sold anything on Craigslist before so really wasn’t prepared for the onslaught.

But to make a long story short, I wound up selling it to a guy who lived on the opposite end of the city so we had to drive like a half hour or so to meet him. He was a really, really nice guy and when we spoke on the phone I thought I understood that he was looking to buy it for HIS kid’s birthday which, you know, made me feel even better that I was selling it.

Turns out, he was buying it for himself for HIS birthday but anyway.. it was a great experience..

We decided that instead of buying Bubba something, we would just give him money. He’s always going to movies with his friends or the mall and this way, he would have his own cash to do what he wanted to do with it.

For our birthday’s, Chief makes us a special dinner of all our favorite foods.. so this past Christmas when we received an Omaha Steak gift package from my brother and his family, I told Chief to hide the Filet Mignon. Bubba LOVES them and I figured we wouldn’t be a position to buy them come January 21st.

Good idea on my part!

So Chief made the filets.. I made the bacon cheddar mashed potato puffs that he loves.. we had asparagus and we also make a 4 layer peanut butter chocolate cake.

As we sat down to eat, Bubba tells us that we didn’t have to worry about getting him a gift. He’s 16 now and didn’t need material things. He also said that he had heard Chief and Spaz’ argument that morning.

I was proud of him for saying that.. but also felt bad that he had to hear what he did so I told him that what had happened that morning shouldn’t have happened but we had it covered and not to worry.

Chief was impressed with his maturity about the situation also..

We wound up having a great dinner and he probably more appreciative of our gift then he let on.. afterward, he went over to the Crack Whore’s.

When he returned, he knocked on our door and told us that the Crack Whore said that if Chief wrote her a letter, she would give him 400.00. The letter proving that she had paid some of her back child support.

Before he could say ANYTHING, I piped up and said, “.. No. Tell her she has to put it through the courts.”

Bubba said that the Crack Whore told him that if she didn’t give Chief the money, it would take three weeks before he got it.

Chief said it wouldn’t. It would only take two days to process through the court.

I then said to Bubba, “.. Look, if she doesn’t put it through the court she could get into a lot of trouble. She’s already in a lot of trouble and even though we could really use the money, you have to do things the right way.. the responsible way.. to make things right. It’s a life lesson.”

Mind you, I could give two hoots what happens to the Crack Whore. I only said what I said because I really don’t appreciate the fact that she has these conversations with her kids and not with Chief and at least one of the “adults” in their lives has to come across as reasonable and not vindictive.

And too.. you know.. I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her. She takes every opportunity to use our misfortunes to her advantage. What’s to stop her from saying that she gave more then she really did.. or alter the “letter” or reproduce another one?

But I digress..

The whole point is that Bubba is growing up.. maturing in ways that three years ago I wouldn’t have thought possible. It’s a wonderful thing to witness and I’m proud of him!

Birthday Cake FAIL!!

OMG..

This is soooo pathetic that I’m laughing hysterically as I type this!!

So the 15th was Chief’s birthday and because we are so incredibly broke right now and I was DETERMINED that he have a birthday cake, dammit.. I decided to bake one for him.

I’m a relatively good baker.. I mean, I can follow directions on a box for Christ’s sake AND I’m an even better decorator. Especially because Chief has all the decoration tip things and the bags and stuff. For years he ran this cafe/bakery that had old school bakers from Germany so he learned from the best .. he himself even won Best Of.. awards .. so he’s showed me some stuff and I couldn’t wait to surprise him with this cake.

The day of his birthday, I wasn’t feeling too great.. starting to get a cold or something.. so I left the shop early and he told me to just go home, take some Nyquil and go to sleep. Perfect. It was early enough to get the cake baked and cooled down in order to have it all frosted and decorated before he came home from work.

So I dug under the car and found a handful of change and drove over to the reduced price market.

No kidding.. that’s how broke we are.

The cake mix cost 89 cent and the frosting 1.19. Perfect.

I wanted to make a three or four layer cake because I’m a freakin’ over-achiever so I bought two boxes of cake mix and a whole lotta frosting. The whole thing cake to like 8 bucks or something.

Perfect.

I get home and am all excited about this freakin’ cake. I butter the pans and guess what? No flour. Ok. Fuck! But oh! There’s cocoa mix in the cabinet! I pulled a HWCHTKD :: How Would Chief Handle This Kitchen Drama :: and sifted the mini marshmallows and used the cocoa in place of the flour.

Awfully proud of myself for that!!

I mix the first box of cake mix and poured it into the two pans. But it looked really, really low. Like, it didn’t even come up to half the pan. Hmmmm…

So I thought that maybe there’s a reason why this cake mix is in the reduced price market and that reason was that it didn’t make the same amount of batter that a Duncan Hines or name brand would make.

Hmmmm…

I mixed the other box of batter and poured each mix into one pan.

Ok. So I’ll only have a two layer cake. Big hairy deal, right?

I put both pans on a cookie sheet and popped it in the oven.. setting the time to the instructed 40 minutes.

I started to feel like crap so I went to go lay down and watch some tv.

This was the day that Spaz got punched in the face so when Chief walked home from the shop to get the car and go deal with that situation.. he came in the bedroom and told me what was going on. As he was walking out, he told me that he smelled something burning. I jumped up and went into the kitchen and checked the cake.

O.

M.

FUCKING.

G.!!!!

The batter had risen and was pouring all over the sides of the pans.. the baking sheet and onto the bottom of the stove. It was all over the freakin’ oven.

Great.

No birthday cake tonight.

So I removed the baking pan and waited for the oven to cool down so I could clean it.

Now.. let me tell you something about my oven.

I’ve lived here for three years and it was a disaster. I know he never cleaned it and even though I do wipe it out after I use it, it’s never been CLEANED cleaned.. you know, with like the oven cleaner stuff you spray in? So since I now had this birthday cake mess to take care of, I figured well.. Hell, the oven says it’s a self cleaner and I’m sure that birthday cake over flowed into places I wouldn’t be able to get to so why not use the self cleaner?

So the following morning (I honestly was sick) I closed the latch and put the oven on CLEAN. The digital timer automatically set to 04:20.

4 hours? Hmm.. I don’t think I’d want to leave an oven on for 4 hours cleaning itself when I wasn’t going to be home so I turned it off.. went to work.. and figured that I’d just clean it myself when I got home so that I can bake the damn birthday cake.

But when I got home and tried to clean the oven, it automatically went back to self clean mode. Nothing I did.. no buttons I pushed.. would turn it off.

Great. Nothing to do but let it do what it was going to do, right? It’s not like I was going to be able to surprise him with a cake now anyway.. So the oven went ahead an started self cleaning itself for 4 hours and 20 minutes.

Did I mention that it was like, 95 degrees outside?

Only me.

This was on Thursday.

Now I’m thinking YES! Friday I will be able to make a damn birthday cake!! I had left the oven alone all day Thursday.. didn’t even attempt to open the oven door until Friday afternoon JUST IN CASE!!

Friday afternoon I come home from work .. all psyched to get this cake going.. get everything ready to go.. put the oven on preheat.. and nothing.

Nothing but the CLEAN light blinking.

WTF??

Absolutely nothing I did got the oven back to being an oven. I called Chief and after explaining to him over and over again that I tried everything there is to try .. even cutting off the circuit breaker for a few minutes because I couldn’t move the oven out to unplug it.. I asked him to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call the guy who owns the appliance store across the street from our store and ask him what the hell I can do..

He called me back and told me that the dude just happened to be walking across the street to come into our store and said that he would come up to the house to check it out at 5:30.

But he never showed.

And the oven still is stuck on clean..

And I never got to make the birthday cake..

Of course, the weekend came and the last thing that anyone was thinking about was the oven..

I tried it again this morning thinking that the birthday cake fairy sprinkled some of her magic dust on it and it would work but still the same thing..

So I’m letting it rip again.. maybe it knows that it’s not as clean as it should be and wanted to clean itself again..

Dunno..

But I’ll give it a shot and see what it does..

In the meantime, if anyone knows ANYTHING about a HotPoint Self Cleaning that refuses to NOT self clean, give me a hollar!!

Catching Up With The Crazies…!

.. so I’ve been gone a long time.

I mean.. a REALLY long time. And not for any reason. Well.. there was a reason but not a reason like, moving to the middle of Montana with no internet service.

I can blame it on my iPod Touch. I mean.. if you don’t have one, you may want to get one if you’d like to curl up in a ball and play endless hours of Tap Tap Revenge.

OR I can blame it on the fact that I had an opportunity to actually get paid to write. Like in money. Like the kind of money that you can actually spend :: well.. while it’s actually WORTH anything anyway :: and once that opportunity presented itself, I had no desire to write. Not even a check.. which, yknow, I’m not that fond of doing anyway. But yea.. I had an attack of self doubt which completely shut my brain down.

And then there’s that blasted family tree thing I’m doing.. which basically sapped up my brain cells.. time.. and desire to write. Sort of like replacing one addiction with another. Cuz, yknow.. my family’s hobby IS breeding and my over-achieving self had to do BOTH sides of my family at one time.

Honestly, I didn’t really think too much about it until Tosha @ THAT’S WHY left a comment on an old post asking if I was ok and it dawned on me that I miss you guys.. and I miss writing.. and I miss throwing all my shit out there for the world to see… read.. whatever.

So here I am.. sitting on my bed with the good ol’ laptop.. after having to clean up all the wrappers and crumbs from three boxes of cupcakes that the dogs plowed through while I was at work :: I know two little dogs that are going to have the major runs tonight :: bringing everything up to speed.

So the highlights:

VALENTINE’S DAY

We were still dealing with tons of snow and winter weather but on Valentine’s morning, Chief got up early.. walked.. like in putting one foot in front of the other.. roughly three miles THROUGH THE THIGH DEEP SNOW and bought me flowers.. a bag full of SweetTarts and a locket.

Definitely an AWWWWWW!!! moment.

INTERNERNATIONAL FOOD SHOW

On The Way To NYC Via The NJT

On Feb 28, the two morons :: that being me and Chief :: decided to take Manhattan and attend the International Food Show at the Javits Convention Center… an industry thing with a lot of vendors and products and samples.

Gotta love the samples!

It wasn’t so much a LAST minute decision because we had registered like, a month and a half before but because of the weather and because the wagon was inspected and registered :: still isn’t :: and the van was having transmission problems :: still is :: I wasn’t really that confident in getting there and back without incident.

‘Cause.. yknow.. whenever WE do ANYTHING, there’s “incidents”.

International Food Show

But armed with Chief’s confidence that he can fix anything that went wrong with the van, we made our way up the New Jersey Turnpike armed with coffee and a Tom Tom.

Did I tell you the story about the Tom Tom .. how I don’t like them.. don’t trust them.. and didn’t want one but got one for Christmas because Chief wanted one? Yea.. well.. let me tell you something about that fucking Tom Tom. First of all, you can’t help but argue with it when you actually do know where you’re going and it tells you to go in a different direction. But the worse.. is when you DON’T know where you’re going and the fucking thing tells you to make a left onto a FOUR LANE street with traffic going in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION from the way you’re facing.

Like it did in New York City.

Thankfully.. THANKFULLY .. when we turned the wrong way down the street, traffic was stopped at a red light so I was able to pull over IN FRONT OF AN NYC COP CAR.. :: thankfully unoccupied :: .. and turn the car around. We pulled into the first parking garage that we found and on wobbly knees, walked the six blocks to the Javits.

Yes.. that is a pig WITH it's head still on

I had never been to an industry food show before. Chief had been to this particular one before as a seller not a buyer. I can’t tell you how hard they suck your ass. They must give a class on it or something.

I’m not adventurous with food so I wasn’t doing a lot of tasting. He was.. which was good because the only thing I kept thing was “.. did you SEE how much the hot dog vendor was charging????” But we did come away with a few products that we wanted to start carrying in the shop so it served it’s purpose.

FOOD!!!

We had gotten there early and the good thing about that was by the time the place was filled to capacity, we had seen everything and were ready to chug it back home.

So we make our way back to the parking garage and contrary to everything I’ve heard, it really wasn’t too expensive. Notice I said “too” and not “that”! It was around 25 bucks and considering we almost got KILLED by the evil Tom Tom, I could deal with 25 bucks.

More food

Chief tells me he’ll drive back because I’m like FORGET DRIVING THROUGH THE LINCOLN TUNNEL AGAIN and while we’re driving through the tunnel, we lose the satellite connection to the Evil Tom Tom. I guess it didn’t like me cursing it out because when it finally connected again, it directed us to take an exit with was NOT the exit to the Turnpike.. even though I clearly SAW the exit for the Turnpike ahead, Chief was like NO! NO! The Tom Tom said to go THIS way.. which put us in the middle of someplace like Seacacus or something and on a highway with a 2 car red light every 100 feet. Which considering how the transmission REALLY started to act up, may have been a good thing.

But as he promised, he pulled over and did some McGuyver-ing and put us back on the road.

We finally found our way back to the Turnpike :: I had turned the Tom Tom off :: and after almost getting into two.. count them.. TWO car accidents, we pulled into one of the numerous rest stops on the pike and had a wonderful lunch of Burger King nuked by a Mexican who could only say “Whopper”.

Don’t ask.

PROTESTING HEALTH CARE

Chief had this bright idea to drive down to Washington DC on the Sunday that the Health Care bill was going to be voted on. That’s something we’re both passionate about and really, I’m not going to get into a debate with anyone who is for it on here. We will just agree to disagree and leave it at that.

The plan was to get up around 5am.. drive down to DC.. protest.. and then drive home.

That was the PLAN anyway.. we were SO committed to going down there that we didn’t get to bed until 3am :: no kids at home means long hours playing Call Of Duty :: and then the gorgeous day we woke up to mandated that we hit various flea markets.

We’re such bad protesters!!

WEED

Weed turned 21 on March 1st.

Honestly, I have to say that he seems to be coming around. Not only has he been coming to work when he’s suppose to but he’s actually doing work. His attitude has become a little more mature but I know he still does what he does.. he’s just less obvious about it.

For his birthday we got him a cell phone. He had one from when the Crack Whore settled her bogus lawsuit but of course, by the time the first payment came around she had blown threw the money and the service was turned off.

If I had known that he could have just re-activated his old one, I would have saved myself a lot of money and aggravation.

And of course, the aggravation has to do with….

BUBBA

Let me just say that I have not had an actual conversation with Bubba since the day of his birthday when I told him that he wasn’t getting the grossly expensive lap top computer he wanted because he didn’t do anything he promised to do.. that being committed to his school work.

Did I also post before that I finally got my dryer because Bubba complained about not having any clean clothes because he never put them in the hamper?

I’m not going to rehash everything that went on, but I will say that this kid needs to be knocked down a few pegs. He still isn’t doing a damn thing in school.. does not have ANY hygiene at all.. stays out all hours of the day / night / weekend .. and I would be doing the pigs of the world a great disservice by calling him one. He’s beyond that.

And I’m over it.

I’m over his lies.. his manipulations.. him calling me a bitch because I call him out on his lies and manipulations.. his use and abuse.. He’s just an ugly person inside and out.. an unhappy person.. someone who couldn’t give a shit about anything or anybody but himself.

I don’t surround myself with that kind of toxin as a rule.. and the fact that this kid lives under my roof doesn’t change that.

Things kind of came to a head about a month ago when Chief told him that he was grounded because he hasn’t done ONE IOTA of schoolwork. Not that Chief makes sure he does his work.. not that the Crack Whore makes sure he does his work either. But as Chief said, “.. he wasn’t going ANYWHERE” that weekend. I told Chief that he was going to have to be the one to tell him that because I was done with being the one that has to issue the punishment only to have it renigged by the Crack Whore.. or worse, Bubba just not paying any damn attention to anything I say.

So Chief assured me that he was going to tell him when he came home from work. In the meantime, Spaz was had made plans to spend the weekend at the Crack Whore’s but as he was waiting for her to pick him up, Bubba started saying that HE was going to stay over there too. Spaz reacted in pure Spaz fashion.. which was to, well, spaz. He go SO upset and started crying and saying that he wasn’t going to go and that all he wanted was to have a weekend away from Bubba.

I tried to stay out of it but things escalated to a point where I had to get involved and told Spaz that Bubba wasn’t going anywhere.. to just calm down.

Immediately Bubba started saying shit to Spaz and to me so I called Chief and told him what was going on. He told me he wanted to talk to him so I gave Bubba the phone. I don’t know what the conversation was but at one point, Bubba said something about me not letting him use the PS3 head phones :: a long story :: and I called him a “Little Fuck” to which he started whining to his father like a little bitch.

I get back on the phone with Chief and he tells me that I was right to do what I did. I told him that I didn’t give a fuck whether or not he thought I was “right” or not .. he wasn’t here and it isn’t fair to Spaz to be tormented by Bubba the way he is.

I hang up with Chief.

He calls me back about 15 minutes later and asks me if I can pick him up from the shop because it was pouring out. I told him I would then went back to getting ready to go out because I really just wanted to get out of the house.

A few minutes after we hang up for the second time, I hear Bubba leave the house. And I’m like, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

And when Chief calls me about a half hour later to tell me that he was closing the shop early and that I can pick him up at any time, I cut the call short because I was in the bathroom.. almost getting physically sick over this fucking kid.

I go down to the shop and I don’t know what made me say this in the way that I did but when I walked in I said, “… you know that Bubba left the house, right?”

He says, “.. oh yea. He went to stay at his mother’s.”

When I tell you that I have NEVER felt like a bigger asshole in my life. HE was the one who INSISTED that Bubba was NOT to leave the house for the weekend which made ME make an issue out of it earlier when he was tormenting Spaz and then he let him go to his mother’s?

Where’s your fucking balls, man?

So I got torqued beyond ever being torqued before.

And I couldn’t look at him.. be near him.. talk to him.. breath the same air as him.

So I stayed in the living room while he tanked out in the bedroom and remained there until the next day when I had had it SO up to here that if I had a box and some place to go I would have packed all my shit right then and there and left.

We had it out the next day.. big blow out.. and when he tried to blame it on the kids I told him all about himself and told him that it’s HIM. That he says one thing and does another and doesn’t give me a heads up. Like the cell phone.

Remember Weed’s old cell phone? The Crack Whore wanted it back so that she could have it reactivated for Bubba. Chief went on a looooooonnnngggg tirade about how Bubba doesn’t deserve one.. that he can’t have one until he brings his grades up.. blah blah blah. Not five minutes.. FIVE MINUTES after he told me that on the phone, the Crack Whore texted me and told me that she had just left the deli and that Chief said he didn’t have a problem with Bubba having a cell phone as long as he doesn’t have to pay the bill for it.

And I called him out on that. And called him out on a million other things that I’ve been holding down. When I tell you that that was the closest that we’ve come to breaking up.. then that’s the closest we’ve come to breaking up.

I told him that if he still wanted me in the picture then he better prepare himself for me not doing anything for Bubba. That I was going to treat Bubba the way that he treats me. No more driving him to school in the morning.. no more doing his clothes.. no more driving him here or there or to his friends. That I was going to email his teacher’s and inform them that from now on, they would have to contact him and the Crack Whore and when Bubba gets into the trouble he’s on the path to get into, don’t expect me to be sympathetic or supportive. Wasn’t going to happen.

So that’s the way things have been and to be honest, Bubba is rolling off my back by rain on a duck.

SPAZ

He’s still having his issues but nothing worse then normal 11 year old shit. He, at least, understands why I’m hard on him about school.. about being neat.. about brushing his teeth and taking showers. Knowing that I don’t want him turning out like Bubba is his big incentive. And as sick as it sounds, knowing how I feel about Bubba is giving him the cujones to stand up to him.

BUBBA: Dad doesn’t love you.
SPAZ: At least he doesn’t have to by me Comet to scrub my neck with

NOTE: Because Bubba doesn’t take regular showers, his neck and knuckles get BLACK. At one point, Chief told him to use Comet to scrub his neck with to take the dirt off.

I almost pissed myself laughing and was like You Go Spaz!!!

The only thing that I can’t really explain to him is why the Crack Whore will buy Bubba a laptop .. will buy him an iPod Touch.. will get him a cell phone when he does nothing to deserve it but when Spaz asked her to contribute to help pay for the two trips he’s going on with the church group ( one is 400 the other is 65), she started yelling and screaming at him that she isn’t made of money and why am I not paying for it.

So that’s basically what’s been going on.

Now that I got this post over with, I’ll get back to my old routine :: 2800+ words will do that to you! :: so buckle up, I’m sure it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

What Danny Bonaduce Taught Me About My Marriage…

Yes.. I do mean the alcoholic drug addicted red head from the Partridge Family.

You guys are going to love this one..

NOTE: I have 45 minutes until I have to drive Spaz to school so I’m going to have to type REALLY fast .. cause this is a long one.

Ok.. so currently, Danny Bonaduce hosts a local morning show. Funny as shit.. if you can stream it, do so. Anyway, I usually have it on when I drive Bubba to school.

Not to make this too complicated.. because there’s a lot to type .. I remembered that he had once had a show on VH1 called Breaking Bonaduce which centered around his addictions and his marriage :: he has divorced since the show ended :: and so I downloaded both seasons from iTunes and watched them all back to back in a single day.

It was both painful to watch.. sad.. and all the other adjectives that escape now because I was once married to a bipolar alcoholic and there were moments when I was either going GRRRR!!! or OMG! I LIVED THAT! or WHY CAN’T YOU SEE WHAT YOUR DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR IS DOING??

Of course, there were other times when I was yelling at my laptop monitor at his then wife saying YOUR A FUCKING BITCH!!

But the one thing that I took away from it .. which I really didn’t expect so it was kind of an epiphany .. was that people are who people are and you can’t force someone to change into what you want them to be. There was a moment played that I thought.. yknow, you want her to do this that and the other and react in this manner or that manner and that’s JUST. NOT. HER.

It seemed that in his mind, he had a fantasy or ideal on the perfect wife and since she wasn’t capable of being that, it all crashed and burned.

Ok. Remember that because it plays into the reason for this post.

Since I haven’t been blogging, you guys don’t know what happened at the beginning of December.

You know Bubba and his refusal to accept school as a necessity and he spends his day there either being disrespectful to his teachers and refusing to do classwork and no doing homework.

We’ve tried communicating with his teachers to email us with his homework so WE would know what was going on but that was hit or miss and there was really no way to go AH HA! YOU LIED! YOU DO HAVE HOMEWORK! without anything to shove in his face as proof.

Things kind of came to a head and Chief’s immediate response was to ground him. My immediate response was to forward the teacher’s emails to the Crack Whore.

When Bubba came home from school that day, I told him that his father was grounding him and he got all bent out of shape. He doesn’t get that it’s HIS actions that are causing the problem. In his world, he can do whatever he wants.. when he wants.. and there shouldn’t be any reprecussions.

He then went on a whiny tale about how our focus is always on the negative and there is never any accolades for when he does something right. You know.. positive reinforcement.

NOTE: Those are my words. Bubba can’t even spell anything past 4 letters.

So, ok. I told him that I’d give him a shot. That I would talk to his father and get the grounding lifted ONLY FOR THE WEEKENDS. But during the school week, he has to come right home.. do his homework and then he’s in. No roaming the streets with his posse.

Mind you.. I believe that that’s how it should be anyway. But I’m obviously old school and my belief that giving a kid too much liberty isn’t a good thing falls on deaf ears.

Cause, you know.. his kids have SUCH a good track record :: if I could physically have that sentence drip with sarcasm I would ::

At any rate..  Chief comes home from work and he doesn’t even want to discuss anything because he’s so sick and pissed off at Bubba’s behavior.

Wonderful. Great parenting skills there Bucky.

But then, I get an email from the Crack Whore. She’s fuming at his behavior also and is coming over after dinner to take his laptop away. She isn’t going to reward him for bad behavior and since she was the one who bought the laptop.. well, she has every right to take it from him and pawn it off at a pawn shop because she needs money for Christmas as a punishment.

Needless to say, that didn’t go over well with Bubba. He flat out refused to give it to her and started calling her all kinds of names.

It’s not that I felt bad for him .. but I wanted to try in some way to get through to him the importance of school and doing what he’s suppose to do so I told him that he had a month until his birthday :: in fact, today is his 15th birthday :: and if he did what he was suppose to do .. if he started taking school seriously and did his work and home work and didn’t blow off tutoring and raised his grades, I’d get him a new laptop for his birthday.

I told him that I didn’t expect straight A’s .. but I wanted the effort.

He seemed to perk up with that and the following day, he showed me the 1800.00 Alienware computer that he wanted. Instead of telling him YOUR FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND .. I went along with it.. mentally figuring what it would take to get him it.

Inside, I knew he wasn’t going to hold up his end of the deal. And that might have been wrong but this kid has GOT to learn there are consequences for his actions.

Plus, I know people.. if you know what I mean.. who can get me stuff like that at a really cheap price.

No more will be said about THAT!! Heh.

So a month goes by and he does nothing. I mean nothing with a capital N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

Doesn’t do his make up work during Xmas break.. doesn’t go to tutoring.. doesn’t do his homework.

So on Tuesday, during the drive to school, he asks me if he’s getting the computer.

I ask him if he thinks he deserves it and he says that he thought so because the time when his teacher had to wake him up IN CLASS he didn’t freak out on her.

I wasn’t even going to go into THAT.. I told him he wasn’t getting it because he didn’t hold up his part of the deal. That didn’t sit well with him and so he told me that he wasn’t going to do nothing in class this weak. I told him if thought that was a threat towards me then he was more of an idiot then I thought.

But it didn’t sit right with me.. that he would get an additude with me.. that he was twisting it around to make it out to be my fault and that I went back on my word.

My word is a BIG thing to me and I’m not going to let some pissant 15 year old take advantage of me, my heart and my good nature.

I relay this to Chief and he’s just as upset that he thinks not doing work is a punishment on us.

Bubba doesn’t come home for dinner that night.. in fact, he stays out until 9:30. I ask Chief what he’s going to do about it and he asks me what he SHOULD do about it.

Great parenting skills there, Bucky.

So Bubba comes home and basically Chief tells him that he’s suppose to come home right after school everyday.. Bubba says nothing.

Then Chief calls him out on his “not doing work” comment and says, “.. what are you 5?” Bubba says he guesses.

Then Chief tells him to go eat dinner.

And that was that. No more. No punishment. NO hollaring. No beating him over the head with a stick.

And I’m not a happy camper because his kids are the way they are because of him and his inability to be a parent.

So yesterday comes around and I try to get out of the store before Bubba comes in and I don’t make it.. and as soon as he comes in I feel like all the oxygen has been sucked out of the room.

So I run across the street to get cigarettes and when I get back, I’m rushing around to get what I need so that I can leave. In a hurry.

Bubba.. who hasn’t said a word to me since the drive to school on Tuesday, asks me if I would give him a ride home.

I said No.

He asks why.

I said because I didn’t want to.

He says that that’s fucked up.

Yes. He did say “fucked up” .. and yes, he father did hear him say that and no, nothing was said to him about if from his father.

Whole other story there.

My response is “whatever” .. because this is exactly the same way Bubba acts when asked to do something.

I walk in the back to get my keys and Chief says to me, ” .. what’s the big deal about driving him home?”

If looks could kill he’d still be smoking. Right then I felt the steel doors slam down in my brain and my emotions get iced up.

I did an about face without saying a word to Chief, grabbed my bags and said to Bubba, “… get in the car, your father said I have to drive you home”.

And I left.

No good byes.. no kiss.. no “I love yo” … I just walked out.

Chief followed after me and as I was getting in the car, I said to him, “.. you better tell your son to get his ass out here because I’m leaving as soon as I get the car started.”

Bubba came out and I drove like I was Vin Diesel in The Fast and The Furious the whole BLOCK AND A HALF home.

I slam my brakes in front of the house and I tell him to tell Bird :: who was in my house :: that I’d be home in a few minutes.  Which, of course, he doesn’t.

He takes a shower and leaves.

I’m all kinds of amped. And I’m all kinds of royally pissed off at Chief. I felt that knowing what the situation was and that I actually SAID NO to driving the lump of lard home.. that he should have backed me up and told Bubba to walk.

I felt like.. once again.. he had no regard for MY feelings. Which of course, led me down a path of picking apart everything in our relationship and how most times I feel unappreciated and taken for granted.

Let’s face it.. he’s not around his kids a lot and I am basically a non-parent with a primary parent role. And I’m starting to resent it. Especially because they have absolutely no respect for me or for anything I say or ask or want.

And let’s face it… he’s not a good parent. That’s been well documented.

So to avoid the inevitable confrontation where I KNOW I would say things to just purposely hurt him, I went to sleep. I cooked dinner and kept it warm and told Spaz that I didn’t feel like eating and that his father could plate everything and then I went into the bedroom and pulled the covers over my head.

When Chief came home, I pretended to be asleep. He kissed me on the head.. had dinner with Spaz and then came back into the bedroom. I had to go pee really, really bad so I didn’t have a choice but to get up to go to the bathroom.

My plan was to just go to the bathroom and then hang out in there and read the book I have in there :: men aren’t the only ones who do that! :: but when I got in there, there was no toilet paper and piss all over the floor.. from Bubba.. because I don’t think he even holds it when he pees.

So I stomp out of the bathroom.. into the bedroom.. and grab my jacket. Chief asks where I’m going and I tell him THERE’S NO TOILET PAPER AND PISS ALL OVER THE FLOOR.. and stomp out.

I grab my car keys.. can’t find my wallet :: I planned on tanking up the station wagon while I was out because I was running on fumes :: .. and then stomped back into the bedroom looking for it.

CHIEF: What are you looking for?
ME: My wallet
CHIEF: I have money
ME: Not the point
CHIEF: I know it’s not the point but I have cash on me

I didn’t reply .. just walked out.

Now, I know you’re going to think that I was being a real bitch .. or maybe even the “c” word.. but it really doesn’t matter what you think. It was what it was and everything will become clear in a minute. Just hang in there.

So I go out to the car and drive to the shop and found my wallet there. I go to the bathroom.. grab some toilet paper.. get gas and drive through Dunkin’ Donuts and got a bagel because basically, I was so hungry I had a headache.

Now.. if I was REALLY a bitch or a cunt, I would have gotten myself coffee and not gotten him any! But I didn’t. What can I say, I’m nice like that! Heh.

I go back to the house and back into the bedroom.. all the while with my iPod headphones on. He knows I’m ignoring him. He knows I’m pissed off and he knows why. Don’t be fooled. I know him like the back of my hand and just the fact that he asked me if Project Runaway was on was a tell tale sign.

But instead of asking me what was wrong.. or instead of opening up a dialog about what happened at the store with driving Bubba home OR about the conversation they had in there that I couldn’t hear but knew I was being discussed… he went to sleep.

Now.. here’s where Danny Bonaduce comes in.

Back at the top of this long ass post, I said that the problem with his marriage was that he wanted / expected things from his ex-wife that she couldn’t give. And that’s the problem with me and Chief.

I need someone who will face problems or talk about problems or be concerned about problems.. he doesn’t.

I need someone who feels free enough in a relationship to communicate. He doesn’t.

I need someone who can recognize something that’s breaking and do whatever necessary to try and fix it because it’s important enough to fix.. and he doesn’t.

Mars.. Venus.. say what you want. Defend it any way you can. Try and justify it.. but the bottom line is even though I love this man with everything I have, he can’t give me what will make me happy. He can’t do the things that won’t make me feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. And so.. no matter how much I love him .. the whole thing is toxic.

I’m not trying to bash him here. He is who he is and isn’t going to change. I can’t keep going knowing that I will feel just as taken for granted tomorrow as I do today.

I’ve tried talking to him before :: well documented on here :: but he does nothing but get defensive or buries his head in the sand wishing problems away.

And what it all boils down to .. and it breaks my heart seams to even thing about it.. is that he was looking for “someone” .. I was looking for “him”. There’s a difference, as subtle as it may seem. A big difference.

He wanted someone who would take all the responsibilities from him .. house, kids, bills, laundry. Because lets face it, he has none of those anymore. I just happened to stick around longer then his other relationships did.

I doubt that he loves me the way I love him. I think I was just “there”.. and not wanting to go through the whole process of finding someone.. he stuck with me.

My name could be Joanne or Elizabeth or Paula or Matilda .. I don’t think he loves me because I’m Leese.

And that’s a huge blow to the ego.. A huge blow. Because let’s face it.. everyone wants to be loved for who they are .. for what they’re about.. me more then most and I think I delusion-ed myself into thinking that I was the center of his universe the way he is mine.

Coming to this realization threw down my steel door. Emotionally, I’m not attached. I know now.. that I have to get a plan together to leave this relationship and all the devastation that comes with it.

I was talking to Bird about this today and she graciously offered me her house to stay in for a few days to get my thoughts together and give him the opportunity to see what life is like without me.. I’m not taking her up on her offer because I need to do this my way in my time. So that it’s better for me.

I’m over getting upset about how the kids treat me.. how they take advantage of me.. how he doesn’t back me up.. take an active, parental role in their lives. I deserve much more then what I’ve been getting the last few years. I’ve been in hell and it’s time to get out. I don’t like being the person who isn’t always laughing anymore.. who finds life a drudgery. That’s not who I am .. but it’s what I’ve become.

Heart? Head? Heart? Head? … I need to go with my head on this one.

TMI Thursday – Installment 3

Okay..

Heh…

I actually debated whether I would tell this or not. Only two people know about it and it reveals something about me that only really Chief knows.

But it’s waaaaaaayy funny so I figured what the hell.

NOTE: This is going to contain adult content so if your underage OR have take offense to anything containing adult content STOP READING RIGHT NOW

Alright… let me get a sip of coffee here.

So I’ve never been a “frigid” kind of gal … I’ll be the first one to admit that I’m a freak that has some slack in her leash.

The Spawn from Satan’s Ass was strictly a pump-pump-release missionary guy so yknow… sex was kind of boring for 18 years. Well, replace “kinda” with REALLY.

So when I met Chief.. I was in this whole FREE TO BE ME mentality. Inevitably with adults, the whole sex conversation came up. I can remember if I asked him what his fantasy was or if he volunteered the information.. although I can’t actually imagine a guy being dumb enough to OFFER this up to a women that he really didn’t know yet but that’s beside the point.

He tells me that his fantasy has always been to be with two woman at the same time. Real original there Chief!!

And I respond that since I’m more into lesbian porn the regular porn :: I thought I heard the boner pop up over the phone with that statement :: and that I have this little bi-curiousity vein running through me I wouldn’t dismiss the possibility.

I think that’s when he asked me to marry him right then. LOL.

Anyway… a month or so into dating, his birthday was coming up and I was struggling to figure out what to get him. You know the whole new relationship – big impact gift. And the thought hit me that making his fantasy come true was an AWESOME gift.

So I call my friend Biker Boy Bob who’s all into glory holes and swinging because if ANYBODY would know how to set this up, it would be him. The problem is that I used to date Biker Boy Bob and the reason why we stopped dating was because of the whole glory hole and swinging thing.

I know, I’m a study in contradictions… right?

Anyway.. Biker Boy Bob was ALL into helping me except HE wanted to be involved. Um.. NO.. that would make it an ORGY and this gal just doesn’t do ORGIES ..

He tells me that orgies are like having multiple pets. Once you go past two, it really doesn’t matter.

Um.. yyyyeeeeaaaaaaa…. ok.

So Biker Boy Bob gets a knickers in a twist and won’t help me.

FINE!! I have the internet!!!

So I go online and start popping in and out of different forums and the one thing that kept coming up is the whole mental part of it. What seems like a good idea can turn emotionally disastrous for the woman who wasn’t the second woman.. in other words, the wife.. girlfriend.. ect.

And even though I’m really not a jealous person.. I do have self esteem issues and body issues and issues that every other normal woman has. Well.. normal like me at least.

But none of that mattered because.. honestly? It was too new of a relationship to have any type of those deep seated emotional ties. You know what I’m saying, right? I mean … yeah, I really really dug him but that whole OMG I CANT WAIT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU AND YOUR MORONIC KIDS AND CRACK WHORE EX WIFE feeling hadn’t started to tingle yet.

So, to me, it really didn’t matter. I wanted to have the experience and if it turned out that he was more into the OTHER woman after then so what. I knew that if that DID happen, I would be crushed and hurt and all that other stuff but I also knew I’d get over it and move on.

Alright.. so the more I looked online the more safety became an issue. Because, lets face it, there are A LOT of skanks on the internet. And the one thing I didn’t want to take away from the experience was an STD.

Going along with the whole “… you get what you pay for” philosophy, I figured that my health was worth paying for. So I dug into the local yellow pages :: I’m thisclose to a large, urban city so finding a (( cough cough )) service wasn’t going to be difficult :: and found exactly what I was looking for.

Big Ads = Expensive Ads = as reputable a bordello as you can legally get away with!!

So I call the number and this woman answers. I tell her that it’s my boyfriend’s birthday and I would like to gift him with a night “out on the town” but wanted to have some “company” just in case.. yknow.. we ran out of things to talk about.

The woman definitely caught the WINK  WINK … but really, ANYBODY would have caught on. Cause, yknow, the more you try to hide something the more apparent it is!!!!

WOMAN: Well, I have three girls available that night but I don’t think Diamond and Crystal :: I swear! :: are what you’re looking for. I think (P)Earl would fit your needs.

ME: Ok.. it has to be a female.

WOMAN: Yes, I know.

ME: UM.. Ok.. no. I mean it has to be a “female” female.

WOMAN: Yes, I understand that.

ME: Ok.. (giggle) Look, I never did this before so I’m not sure I’m saying the right thing.

WOMAN: (laughs) No, I understand exactly what you need.

ME: Ahhh. So… why exactly can’t I hire Diamond or Crystal?

WOMAN: Their availablity is limited time wise.

ME: Uh-huh. Ok. But.. um.. see.. I just know……

WOMAN: You won’t be disappointed with (P)Earl

ME: Well.. I’m sure Earl is very nice and all but I’m sure my boyfriend will NOT appreciate a girl who really isn’t a girl.

WOMAN: (soooo confused) What?

ME: My boyfriend isn’t going to go for a transvestite.

WOMAN: WHAT?

ME: I said…

WOMAN: No.. no.. I HEARD what you said. (P)Earl isn’t a transvestite. What are you talking about???

ME: OMG.. I’m sorry! I thought that’s what you called them.

WOMAN: Call WHO?

ME: People like Earl.

WOMAN: What???????

ME: You know…

WOMAN: Obviously, I don’t know.

ME: Guys dressing like girls… Chicks with dicks???

WOMAN: (obviously annoyed) What??? Is this a joke?

ME: No! No! It’s not a joke.. Listen, all I’m trying to do is get a girl for my boyfriend’s birthday. Not someone like Earl.

WOMAN: (P)Earl is a girl…

ME: (defensive and really getting pissed off) THEN WHY IS HIS NAME EARL??

WOMAN: (Waaaaay more pissed off then I am now) PEARL!!! PEARL!!! HER NAME IS PEARL!!! NOT EARL!! I think you need to call another service.

ME: oh.

And then she hung up on me.

I swear to God that whole time I thought she was saying Earl and I remember thinking that she had misunderstood what I was looking for. I guess I hear with a lisp, I don’t know… but after the phone call I got HYSTERICAL … because yknow… if this was going to happen, OF COURSE it would happen to me!!!!

I immediately called Chief and told him the conversation. It was just too damn funny to keep to myself. He laughed just as hard but then turned all serious on me.

CHIEF: I appreciate you wanting to do that and all…

ME: Why do I hear a “but” coming

CHIEF: Well, it’s just that I don’t think our relationship would stand it

ME: Huh?

CHIEF: I’m just saying that maybe it isn’t such a good idea

ME: I’m not catching what your saying

CHIEF: Look.. It’s just that.. yknow.. I love the fact that you would want to do this for me but let’s just leave the fantasy the fantasy, ok?

And then I got it. His feelings were deeper for me then mine were for him at that point in our relationship. The emotional feelings I had read about on the internet applied to him more then they would have applied to me then. And I also thought that having a fantasy and going through with the fantasy are two very different things and maybe he wasn’t as confident as he had first made himself out to be.

Dunno..

Just something else to put in my “… me and Dick Tracy” box!!! LOL