TMI Thursday – Installment 3

Okay..

Heh…

I actually debated whether I would tell this or not. Only two people know about it and it reveals something about me that only really Chief knows.

But it’s waaaaaaayy funny so I figured what the hell.

NOTE: This is going to contain adult content so if your underage OR have take offense to anything containing adult content STOP READING RIGHT NOW

Alright… let me get a sip of coffee here.

So I’ve never been a “frigid” kind of gal … I’ll be the first one to admit that I’m a freak that has some slack in her leash.

The Spawn from Satan’s Ass was strictly a pump-pump-release missionary guy so yknow… sex was kind of boring for 18 years. Well, replace “kinda” with REALLY.

So when I met Chief.. I was in this whole FREE TO BE ME mentality. Inevitably with adults, the whole sex conversation came up. I can remember if I asked him what his fantasy was or if he volunteered the information.. although I can’t actually imagine a guy being dumb enough to OFFER this up to a women that he really didn’t know yet but that’s beside the point.

He tells me that his fantasy has always been to be with two woman at the same time. Real original there Chief!!

And I respond that since I’m more into lesbian porn the regular porn :: I thought I heard the boner pop up over the phone with that statement :: and that I have this little bi-curiousity vein running through me I wouldn’t dismiss the possibility.

I think that’s when he asked me to marry him right then. LOL.

Anyway… a month or so into dating, his birthday was coming up and I was struggling to figure out what to get him. You know the whole new relationship – big impact gift. And the thought hit me that making his fantasy come true was an AWESOME gift.

So I call my friend Biker Boy Bob who’s all into glory holes and swinging because if ANYBODY would know how to set this up, it would be him. The problem is that I used to date Biker Boy Bob and the reason why we stopped dating was because of the whole glory hole and swinging thing.

I know, I’m a study in contradictions… right?

Anyway.. Biker Boy Bob was ALL into helping me except HE wanted to be involved. Um.. NO.. that would make it an ORGY and this gal just doesn’t do ORGIES ..

He tells me that orgies are like having multiple pets. Once you go past two, it really doesn’t matter.

Um.. yyyyeeeeaaaaaaa…. ok.

So Biker Boy Bob gets a knickers in a twist and won’t help me.

FINE!! I have the internet!!!

So I go online and start popping in and out of different forums and the one thing that kept coming up is the whole mental part of it. What seems like a good idea can turn emotionally disastrous for the woman who wasn’t the second woman.. in other words, the wife.. girlfriend.. ect.

And even though I’m really not a jealous person.. I do have self esteem issues and body issues and issues that every other normal woman has. Well.. normal like me at least.

But none of that mattered because.. honestly? It was too new of a relationship to have any type of those deep seated emotional ties. You know what I’m saying, right? I mean … yeah, I really really dug him but that whole OMG I CANT WAIT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU AND YOUR MORONIC KIDS AND CRACK WHORE EX WIFE feeling hadn’t started to tingle yet.

So, to me, it really didn’t matter. I wanted to have the experience and if it turned out that he was more into the OTHER woman after then so what. I knew that if that DID happen, I would be crushed and hurt and all that other stuff but I also knew I’d get over it and move on.

Alright.. so the more I looked online the more safety became an issue. Because, lets face it, there are A LOT of skanks on the internet. And the one thing I didn’t want to take away from the experience was an STD.

Going along with the whole “… you get what you pay for” philosophy, I figured that my health was worth paying for. So I dug into the local yellow pages :: I’m thisclose to a large, urban city so finding a (( cough cough )) service wasn’t going to be difficult :: and found exactly what I was looking for.

Big Ads = Expensive Ads = as reputable a bordello as you can legally get away with!!

So I call the number and this woman answers. I tell her that it’s my boyfriend’s birthday and I would like to gift him with a night “out on the town” but wanted to have some “company” just in case.. yknow.. we ran out of things to talk about.

The woman definitely caught the WINK  WINK … but really, ANYBODY would have caught on. Cause, yknow, the more you try to hide something the more apparent it is!!!!

WOMAN: Well, I have three girls available that night but I don’t think Diamond and Crystal :: I swear! :: are what you’re looking for. I think (P)Earl would fit your needs.

ME: Ok.. it has to be a female.

WOMAN: Yes, I know.

ME: UM.. Ok.. no. I mean it has to be a “female” female.

WOMAN: Yes, I understand that.

ME: Ok.. (giggle) Look, I never did this before so I’m not sure I’m saying the right thing.

WOMAN: (laughs) No, I understand exactly what you need.

ME: Ahhh. So… why exactly can’t I hire Diamond or Crystal?

WOMAN: Their availablity is limited time wise.

ME: Uh-huh. Ok. But.. um.. see.. I just know……

WOMAN: You won’t be disappointed with (P)Earl

ME: Well.. I’m sure Earl is very nice and all but I’m sure my boyfriend will NOT appreciate a girl who really isn’t a girl.

WOMAN: (soooo confused) What?

ME: My boyfriend isn’t going to go for a transvestite.

WOMAN: WHAT?

ME: I said…

WOMAN: No.. no.. I HEARD what you said. (P)Earl isn’t a transvestite. What are you talking about???

ME: OMG.. I’m sorry! I thought that’s what you called them.

WOMAN: Call WHO?

ME: People like Earl.

WOMAN: What???????

ME: You know…

WOMAN: Obviously, I don’t know.

ME: Guys dressing like girls… Chicks with dicks???

WOMAN: (obviously annoyed) What??? Is this a joke?

ME: No! No! It’s not a joke.. Listen, all I’m trying to do is get a girl for my boyfriend’s birthday. Not someone like Earl.

WOMAN: (P)Earl is a girl…

ME: (defensive and really getting pissed off) THEN WHY IS HIS NAME EARL??

WOMAN: (Waaaaay more pissed off then I am now) PEARL!!! PEARL!!! HER NAME IS PEARL!!! NOT EARL!! I think you need to call another service.

ME: oh.

And then she hung up on me.

I swear to God that whole time I thought she was saying Earl and I remember thinking that she had misunderstood what I was looking for. I guess I hear with a lisp, I don’t know… but after the phone call I got HYSTERICAL … because yknow… if this was going to happen, OF COURSE it would happen to me!!!!

I immediately called Chief and told him the conversation. It was just too damn funny to keep to myself. He laughed just as hard but then turned all serious on me.

CHIEF: I appreciate you wanting to do that and all…

ME: Why do I hear a “but” coming

CHIEF: Well, it’s just that I don’t think our relationship would stand it

ME: Huh?

CHIEF: I’m just saying that maybe it isn’t such a good idea

ME: I’m not catching what your saying

CHIEF: Look.. It’s just that.. yknow.. I love the fact that you would want to do this for me but let’s just leave the fantasy the fantasy, ok?

And then I got it. His feelings were deeper for me then mine were for him at that point in our relationship. The emotional feelings I had read about on the internet applied to him more then they would have applied to me then. And I also thought that having a fantasy and going through with the fantasy are two very different things and maybe he wasn’t as confident as he had first made himself out to be.

Dunno..

Just something else to put in my “… me and Dick Tracy” box!!! LOL

 

 

RECAP: Top Chef Las Vegas – Episode 1

One thing you have to admit about Bravo … their reality competition shows are generally a notch up.

I <3 Top Chef… even before I got with Chief. Sooo much better then Hell’s Kitchen because the judges are actually constructive in their criticism and the chef’s are actually.. well, chefs.

Sorry.. but if you really think that a short order cook can POSSIBLY win the opportunity to head a Gordon Ramsey restaurant at the Borgata then well.. you need to dip into the Crack Whore’s zip lock bag of pills.

Anyway… as with my previous post on the new season of Project Runway, I’ll just give a list of the contestants and my initial impressions.

NOTE: I do NOT watch this with Chief. I tried once but he just got SO fucking annoying with his color commentating that I threw him out of the bedroom. Don’t get me wrong, Chief is an AMAZING chef and we would be probably living large if he would just succumb to MY desire to have him audition for one of these shows. He’d be brilliant on Top Chief but I would actually love for him to go knife to knife with Ramsey… OMG, Gordon would have SO met his match but yknow.. he won’t do it. At any rate, sometimes I just want to be entertained so he’s not allowed to watch it with me!

Okay.. so this season the gang is in Vegas and they’re throwing in some twists and stuff that is going to make things a little bit interesting. So we’ll see..

At any rate, here’s the scoop:

Ash Fulk

To be completely honest with you, I can’t remember one thing that dude did on this episode other then saying that he was the only one of the chef’s with a boyfriend.

I can’t remember what team of four he was for the quick fire OR what he cooked during the main challenge that was based on each chef’s vice.

Not sure not being remembered is a good thing but with 16 chefs.. and it being episode 1.. it’s not unusual to forget someone here and there!

Dig the bow tie though!

Ashley Merriman

She’s another one that didn’t leave any kind of impression.

I’m not even sure that they spent time on her during the initial part of the show when everyone meets everyone else for the first time.

I could go back and watch it On Demand but yknow, I kind of think that would be cheating in away. If she didn’t do anything to stand out then.. well.. she didn’t do anything to stand out.

Bryan Vottaggio

The slightly geeky.. non-tattooed.. not as cool Vottagio brother!

This season includes brothers. Each successful in their own right and living on opposite coasts I think.

This must add another level of intensity during challenges because of the whole sibling rivalry thing going on… not sure if their cooking styles are different but in the coming weeks, we should see that coming into play more especially when the chefs cook individually as opposed to in a team.

Eli Kirshtein

Eli may not look it.. but he has a long resume behind him with some serious background!

Very impressive.

Okay.. I cheated. I looked at his bio on Bravo’s website because I’m starting to feel like I’m not remembering ANYTHING from this episode.. but I guess that’s the point, right?

Heh.

Eve Aronoff

Poor Eve!

I think she was seriously affected by a case of the butterflies!

It seems like every season there is one chef that you think “.. omg, she is SO out of her league!” and Eve would be THAT chef THIS season especially because she is based in Ann Arbor, Michigan and not some culinary hotspot.

But let me tell you… this chick is not some fly by night lets-open-a-restaurant little rascal. The girl got some chops and a more then impressive resume. Hopefully, she’ll get down to do what she does best instead of over thinking what the judges might want.

That could be her downfall.

Hector Santiago

Hector is just badass.

Come on.. can you just picture him in cut-off leather cruising around on a motorcycle loud enough to loosen your fillings?

And who else looks like they have the balls enough to throw a steak in the deep fryer of Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant?

Well, ok.. Chief would.

Side Note: Chief actually cooked along side Wolfgang Puck a few years ago during a local Pro-Am competition for charity and Chief can’t stand him. He said he was the most arrogant mother fucker who wouldn’t say anything good about ANYONE else’s dishes regardless of how good they were. If there’s one thing that Chief is cocky about, it’s his ability in the kitchen so… yknow.. there it is.

Anyway.. back to Hector.

Hector is from Puerto Rico so his dishes are going to have that PR-island flair to them.

Jen Zavala

Jen was the first chef eliminated.. and even I knew that she was going to be.

Her breaded vegan something or other not only looked like crap but anyone who ever tried to bread something could see that it wasn’t breaded properly.

I think she tried to hard.. and I think she just had a bad case of the butterflies too. I got the impression that she wanted to win this SO much that it became a mental thing for her and instead of just doing what she does best, she took an unnecessary risk and it bit her in the ass.

Basically, she just tried to hard.

Jennifer Carroll

I’VE MADE MEN CRY IN THE KITCHEN

I loved that line.. Jen is a total bad ass!

But in full disclosure, I’m rooting for her because Chief actually knows her. Well.. ok.. not like “.. let’s get together for some drinks” but he’s been around her at various events over the years and he said that she can cook her ass off so that’s good enough for me.

And cook she did.

She won the Quick Fire challenge and came in a close second in the Elimination challenge so she will be a force. Definitely TEAM JEN!

Jesse Sandlin

Two things came to mind when I was watching Jesse. One, she looked like an emo Rosie the Riveter when cooking.. and Two, she looked like she should be on Hell’s Kitchen.

Boy was I wrong.

She had a strong showing in the Quick Fire.. even though she had never cooked with prawns before.. and although she came in on the bottom after the elimination, the judges recognized that Jesse knew exactly why she was there from the get go. It’s one thing to crash on a dish but the important thing is that she knew exactly what she did wrong and that gave her props from the judges. Rightfully so. Jesse is also an early favorite.

Kevin Gillespie

Kevin won the Elimination Challenge .. narrowly beating Jennifer.. so we’ll be seeing more of him.

Interesting thing about Kevin is that he had a scholarship to M.I.T. that he just chucked away to go into culinary.

Could you imagine that conversation with his parents?

OMG.. my dad would have killed me!

Laurine Wickett

I have absolutely nothing to say about Laurine…

I honestly don’t remember her…

She may have been the chef to pick the golden chip at the beginning of the episode :: which meant she didn’t have to compete and would have immunity for the elimination :: but I’m not sure.. I checked all over Bravo’s website and couldn’t find anything to click on a memory so I’ll have to leave it at that

Mattin Noblia

Funky accent..

So obviously French..

Loved the little sailor neckerchief and striped shirt.

That’s all I really remember about him.

Michael Isabella

Boy.. did he start off on the wrong foot!

Mike is one of those guys that you really just want to punch in the mouth. He’s a loud mouth, cocky son of a bitch that should piss off every Italian American male in Jersey for his over the top stereotyping.

I’m sure he can cook as well as he says he can but he also made a remark when Jennifer was neck and neck with him shucking clams that “… a girl shouldn’t be at the same level as I am”

WTF dude!

Honestly, I hope he tanks.

Michael Vottaggio

The more tattooed of the Voggattio brothers, Michael I believe is on the west side of the country.

Not to sure what he did… or didn’t do this episode. But do remember either him or his brother saying that no one wants to see the other exceed more except when competing head to head.

Ok.. so.. we’ll see

Preet Mistry

Sorry.. but I really have to say this..

Preet resembles the gay girl in Miami that Brooke Hogan was set up with by her gay friend.

Real quick.. Brooke’s roommate is gay and not having any luck in the dating field. Having once been engaged to a woman, Brooke thinks that maybe he really isn’t gay. To prove that one knows one’s sexuality, he sets her up on a blind date with a girl. A girl that looks just like Preet.

I know that really has not place here and I’m truly not being disrespectful to Preet. It’s just an observation. And honestly, considering that Preet’s responsibility during Quick Fire was to shuck clams that she never shucked before and was STILL shucking after all the other teams had completed the ENTIRE challenge, I think she’d rather be remembered as the girl who looks like the girl that gave Brooke Hogan her first lesbian kiss!

Robin Leventhal

ROBIN WAS THE CHEF THAT PICKED THE GOLD COIN!

Woosh!

I was positive it wasn’t Laurine but yknow.. my mind doesn’t operate on full capacity this early in the morning!!

Other then that.. nothing really too spectacular to point out about Robin.

Maybe next episode

Ron Duprat

What a story Ron has!

Originally from Haiti.. Ron traveled to the US as a refugee on a little boat that took 27 days and a few lives.

I’m positive that that was an experience that shows up all over the place.. especially in the dish that he made during the elimination challenge. How could it not be in every aspect of your life?

At any rate.. his dish did receive good reviews from the judges and I expect that Ron’s island upbringing will play a big part in future episodes.

Well… there you have it.

It’s a lot for one episode so just bear with me. I promise my recaps will get much better as we go on.

In fact, I may even employ Chief and his color commentating. He’s going to loathe sitting in front of the tv watching a reality show but I’ll guilt him into it!! LOL!

Convos

ME: Hey, they settled the whole Project Runway this. It’s coming back on! WHEEE!!

CHIEF: oh. yah!

ME: You like that show

CHIEF: Um. No, I don’t think so.

ME: Yes. YOU. DO!

CHIEF: Noooooo, I absolutely do not.

ME: OMG. YOU DO! It’s the with HEIDI KLUM!

CHIEF: Who’s Heidi Klum?

ME: (( eye roll )) The one you have lesbian porn fantasies about??

CHIEF: Oh. Yea. I like that show.