Archive for the ‘Goober Files’ Category

If you don’t know who Sister Fica Hedonista is.. read THIS

It’s been a few years since Sr. Fica showed his .. um.. hairy face. And with good reason.

Apparently, Sr. Fica’s whereabouts were revealed when one of the other nuns in her convent saw the good sister standing the wrong way in a bathroom stall.

Mind you, Sr. Fica WAS castrated after the father of one of his altar boys found out what really went on in the confessional booth but obviously this poor father was so distraught that he didn’t do that best of jobs and left a little nub.

Of course, there were also OTHER flags that didn’t make sense until her true identity was discovered.

Things like her habit of sitting on the couch with her legs open… scratching her absent balls.. hellatious flatuance and large hairy ape hands.

Identity discovered, Sr. Fica went under ground :: some say as an understudy in the Piora Theater’s version of “Black Patten Leather Shoes Reflect Up” :: and it’s also been reported that Sr. Fica appeared in an untitled role in Mamma Mia.

This picture of Sr. Fica was taken in an unknown unemployment office.


A few Halloween’s ago, the company that Goober works for was holding a Halloween contest and being the good Catholic boy that he is, he went dressed a nun. All 6’4″ 6’2″ of him with big man hands and goatee.

So he does THE worse thing he could possibly do. He takes a picture of himself and emails it to me. Ok.. that’s not the WORSE thing he ever emailed me but that’s not the point.

I immediately post the picture up on the other blog I used to have on Bravenet.

I called her/him Sister Fica Hedonista.

Fica being the Italian slang for “pussy”. With the goatee, it just seemed to fit, ok?

I went on to describe how Sr. Fica USED to be Father Paul but that nasty little “issue” in the rectumory caused him to lose his manhood at the hands of a chain-saw welding parent. Since he was .. for the most part.. “almost” transgenered and his vocation still strong, he entered the nunnery to serve out the rest of his/her life is relative isolation.

That was a hit.. believe me.. and IF GOOBER GIVES ME PERMISSION I will post the picture.

IF Goober gives me permission..

IF GOOBER gives me permission..

IF GOOBER GIVES me permission..

IF GOOBER GIVES ME permission..


IF GOOBER GIVES ME permission..

IF GOOBER GIVES me permission..

IF GOOBER gives me permission..

IF Goober gives me persission..

:: do it Goob.. do it!! ::


.. I will tell you right off the bat that THIS is one of those things that you really needed to be there for.

I’ll try as hard as I can.. but I seriously doubt I’m going to be able to translate this in a way where you’ll be bent over trying not to pee yourself.

Goober was in the Air Force and one of the places he was stationed was Alaska.

It was there that he met the woman who would 1) become his wife 2) give birth to his daugher :: um.. may not be in that sequence, I don’t remember! :: and 3) became his ex.

Since The Goob lives far, far away from both Alaska AND his daughter.. it is a very rare opportunity that he can afford to fly and see her.

It just so happened that he changed positions in the company that he worked for that involved A LOT of traveling AND as it happened, one of the places he had to travel to was Alaska.

I used to call him all the time when he was on the road.. I just thought that living out of suitcases three weeks out of the month.. staying in hotels.. eating meals :: ahem :: alone… you know, you’d want to hear a friendly voice to pass the time

Anyway.. so Goober was in Alaska and he was telling me that Moose :: Meese? LOL :: roam freely around the area that he was in. I can’t remember if he told me that the local take Moose Poop :: which look like little pebbles :: and paint them gold for tourists.. of if that fact was one of the random things that develop in my imagination!

Anyhoo… so he was telling me that moose have a very, very .. um.. distinct.. mating call and had I ever heard it?

Now, living in the city, the only moose I ever came in contact with was Bullwinkle and I seriously doubted that there was a cartoon episode where Bullwinkle sounded the moose mating call. Well.. MAYBE if he secretly had a “think” for Rocky but.. yknow.. who am I to question.

Anyway.. so The Goob proceeds to make this mating call which sounded like a cross between a very loud cow and a minor character from the movie SCREAM.

I literally got hysterical.

I have a big ol’ belly laugh anyway. In fact, people tell me that THEY laugh just because I laugh… so you can imagine how hard I was laughing. I literally had to cross my legs an do the “pee-pee” dance.

The FUNNIEST part of the whole thing was… Goober was in a McDonald’s drive thru.. at lunchtime.

Now.. imagine this 6’4″ :: a’ight already! 6’2″ :: Paul-Bunyon-esque of a man sitting in a rental car making loud moose mating call noises in a drive thru line.

I kept on asking him to do it … and to his credit, he did. But eventually, the line kept moving along and pretty soon, you guessed it! He was in front of the ordering box!

Honest to God, you had to be there! It was THE funniest damn thing!

So now, of course, ever once in awhile I’ll leave him a voice mail making the moose mating call!

NOTE: If you’ve never heard it.. then PLEASE google it! It’ll all make sense then!

A few Valentine’s Days ago :: is that grammatically correct? :: The Goober decided to send me some much needed love and thoughts and sent me gift.

This was at a particually rough.. bumpy.. and mentally taxing time and I really don’t think he’ll ever quite get how much it meant to me. AND for other reasons that I won’t impede on his privacy here.

And in keeping with the “.. all things happen to me and Dick Tracy” mode, it was set to be delivered to my office one a day when my region had one of the worst surprise ice storms in recorded history.

So I didn’t wind up getting it until the next day but when I did, it was a stuffed animal called the LOVE MONKEY.

I still have the note that came along with it in my box of memories but off the top of my head it said something about whenever I needed a Goober Hug then just hug the monkey.

… and I still do.

Very few people give me things :: outside of my birthday and Christmas :: so regardless of what it is, just the fact that someone thought of me puts me over the moon.

To show my thanks.. and appreciation.. I did what I always do when it comes to all-things Goober.

I send pictures.

So with a little masking tape and a camera phone, my freak was unleashed and I set a-snapping!


Not sure if he got any raised eyebrows from his co-workers but these are the pics and I STILL break out in hysterics when I see them!

I scare amaze myself sometimes!!!!

But was I done? Noooooooo!!!


In thanks, I sent Goober his OWN love monkey.. complete with peeled banana and a message that probably made the person printing it out at the company blush!

Unfortunately, my memory isn’t that good and if they send me a confirmation email then I probably still have it. But I do know it had to say something about monkey humping …!!!


DISCLAIMER: There is NO WAY IN HELL that I’m going to be able to convey this with ANY WHERE NEAR the hilarity in which is was originally presented to me!

FULL DISCLOSURE: You have to remember that this happened a few years ago and I can’t for the life of me remember if Goob told me this over the phone or in an email. I want to say email for a variety of reasons so it’s probably long gone by now..

Yep.. went back to November 2006 and couldn’t find it

Anyway… so… heh. You gotta know The Goob.. he’s this 6’4″ mass of Paul Bunyon-ess with tree trunks for arms and the how facial goatee thing going on. In fact, he even said him self that him typing on a keyboard is like gorilla pounding at it.

So.. good looking guy that he is.. he gets interested in one the bar flies patrons at the place where he bounced on the weekends.

AND.. being the guy that he is.. she took complete and utter advantage of him :: my opinion :: and played him like a mandolin. IF she knew what a mandolin was! :: my opinion, again ::

Anyway.. I don’t remember if HE asked her to a movie or SHE mentioned maybe.. possibly.. that she would LIKE to go to a movie.. the memory is fuzzy but the end result is that they made a plan to go to the movies on a Sunday afternoon :: Saturday? Sunday? Saturday? Help me out here Goob ::

So I know he really likes this tramp woman so he does the who metrosexual thing, yknow what I’m saying? And heads over to her place to pick her up.

He knocks at the door and this older woman answers.. I think it was the chick’s mother or something.. and she tells him to come in.

He goes in and he sees the tramp woman sitting on a couch next to this other dude.

And he tells me, “… Leese, you know the size of my nose right? I swear.. and you’re going to think I’m crazy.. but I SWEAR I SMELLED SEX! You know what sex smells like, right? You know what I mean, RIGHT???”

I know what ever I was drinking :: because I’m always drinking something :: shot out my nose because I was laughing so hard.

I asked him what he did… and he said he made up some excuse that he ate a bad hotdog on the way over and had to go home.

So he left.

I remember asking him if.. maybe… possibly the “aroma” was coming from the Old Lady’s “Y:: there goes the ice tea again! ::

But he was like NO! NO! IT WAS SEX! I SMELLED SEX!!!

OMG.. I have to go pee.. that’s how much I’m laughing right now

NOTE: None of the above is Goober’s fault. He did nothing but try to escort a young woman to the moving picture show! Make fun of him and I will shoot a spit ball at you!