Me
Me?
I’m just as bad as anyone else but better then most. It’s not that I “know” who I am but more that I understand why I am the way I am.
I come from a “good” family… that meaning no abuse, child molestations, drug abuse, alcoholism, domestic situations, etc. There MAY have been all that but I grew up in an age when it wasn’t talked about openly or freely.
I have a big heart and alot of compassion which sometimes causes me to be in situations that I don’t quite know how to get out of without hurting someone in the process. I don’t like to intentionally hurt people and so I wind up hurting myself.
If I was a text book head case, I’m sure there would be discussions about lack of self esteem, anger management, etc. But yknow what? I’m not a head case and not a text book. I’m just me.
I was the extra born after the “Golden Child” :: my brother :: and my need for validation and love and affection led me into an early marriage that had the 4 Horseman of Abuse :: Verbal, Mental, Emotional and Physical :: trampling through on a regular basis. My issue with hurting people’s feelings made me stay for almost 18 years.
Hmm. Maybe I am a head case!!
At any rate.. I finally did leave him :: nothing like a sword pointed at one’s throat by a raging lunatic to get your ass moving :: moved back in with my mom and alittle while later met Chief.
I didn’t have any plans on moving him with him as soon as I did but my ex had been causing problems and eventually was arrested.. landing him in jail for 77 days and his warped used-to-be-a-Christian sister hiding in the bushes of the house waiting for me to go over to feed the dog.
The dog is fine, btw. She’s with me and Chief.
So all that was the catalyst that made me move in. Don’t get me wrong… I wanted to. I was in love with him… still am.. and at the time thought I could really make a difference with the kids and we’d be one happy family. All rose petals and puppie kisses.
Didn’t quite work out that way but you can’s say I didn’t give it the Gipper try.
LIVING ME 101 
Hi,
I’m not really too sure how to start this…I tried to find an email link to send this to your privately but…well, there wasn’t one.
So, I’ll leave this as a comment.
My father once told me, we are all in this together, whether we know a person or not, sometimes we need to hear the truth instead of the pretty little politeness.
With that being said…
I’ve been reading your blog for some time and I should tell you…you should write a book! Your way of writing is engaging and interesting. :)
Half of the time, I feel like giving you a hug for everything that is going on your life. The other half I want to smack you upset your head and ask you what you are thinking.
Yes, your life is hard and things are happening that aren’t fair, but absolutely NOTHING is beyond some measure of your own control. First off, you need to get yourself together.
I was a “step-mom” without being married for some many years (albiet to my fiance’s two much younger brothers so I didn’t even have the control factor of being a parent figure). I had similar problems with those boys except mine was worse…their mother was still in the picture. They wouldn’t go to school and she would make up excuses (wild ones) to support them in this. I fought tooth and nail on this for years. They were messy, they didn’t clean or have any chores and god forbid should they have to do homework of any kind. So, with my resume in hand, here’s the advice I can give to you. You have relinquished your control in the house to those two boys…mainly because you sit and think about how giving up something is going to be a punishment to you or how it’s not fair or better yet…how you shouldn’t HAVE to do this or that. But honey, you are the adult and you are the parent. Here is how I handled some situations.
The boys spent far too much time watching tv or playing games without doing chores or homework first. Ok, so the TV was taken away. And I mean quite literally, the TV was taken away. I moved it into my room and put a lock on my door. Now you have a huge TV and maybe can’t move it. That’s fine, there is always a way around a problem. Remove the cable service. You have internet right? So watch your TV shows on HULU from your computer. Next, remove the game and put it in your room (with the lock on the door). And (this part is important) tell them that it can all come back once they have spent a certain amount of time doing what they are supposed to do. For me, it was a month of them doing their chores and homework before that stuff came back. Yeah it was a pain in the arse for me. Yeah it wasn’t fair, but who said life should be?
If they won’t clean up their rooms, here are the two things that my mother taught me (because I used to be a room slob and have experienced it first hand). ONE: Anything, anywhere in the house that you find belongs to them, instead of picking it up and cleaning it, pick it up and dump it on their BED. If they want to sleep they will have to dump it on the floor and clean it up. I dumped it on the floor for a few weeks until my room got so bad I couldn’t take it anymore and cleaned it. TWO: If it gets that bad then give them 2 weeks notice to clean it up or YOU will and you WILL be throwing anything and everything away that you choose to do. And then follow through. Get Chief to help you. Get a friend to help you. Hell, hire in a cleaning crew. But make sure that on that two week mark you follow through and don’t waste time wondering if you should throw this away or that away. My mom threw away so much of my stuff that I cried for a week and hated her guts. But I never let my room get dirty again. Sometimes in life, you just have to be the bad guy. It’s not fair but who else is going to teach these kids a lesson? You took this job on, why are you doing it half assed? Why are you complaining and not just DOING? If you bought a dog and it got sick, would you complain and do nothing and let the do die? No, you would deal with it…so deal with these boys.
Next, your relationship with Chief. Sweety, you have no one to blame on that one but yourself. You wrote in one blog about “why can’t he see how upset I am? Why do I always have to make the first move?” And then in another blog, you wrote about how he asked if your were ok because you sounded down. Did you take this opportunity? Did you grasp your chance to talk to the man you love? Nope, you pulled a High School move, made an excuse and changed the subject. THAT was your fault. I’m sorry. I am not trying to be mean or hateful. But I WANT good things to happen for you and only YOU can make those things happen. It’s time for you to act like a grown woman instead of a high school girl, it’s time for you to move past your abusive last relationship and realize that while things are bad, Chief is essentially a good man. But he is still a man and they think and react differently than we do. You wouldn’t go to school and just stop learning because the teacher didn’t teach in a way you didn’t get would you? No, you would find a way to understand. You need to be an adult here, suck up your fears and your “He should just know!!!” and TALK to the man who is your partner in life. If you talk and talk and talk some more until you both learn to talk to each other (and what I mean by that is that neither of you seem to understand how to talk to the other in a productive way…a way that makes sure the other person understands and wants to work on solving things because they want to and not because they feel they have to – this means no fighting, no accusations, no guilt trips, no this is your fault/problem). Yes, you may have to make the first move. So what? If it makes your life and your family’s life better, then who cares who started it? Won’t you be happier in the long run?
Lastly, you need to take some time for yourself. Every week, you need to leave the house and go out to do something that you enjoy. Meet up with friends, join a reading group, go to the movies or a play, who cares what it is as long as you like it and it gets you out of the life that can be frustrating? Every thing on this earth needs some down time and without we always fail. Take some time just for you and when you head home tell yourself that no matter what is wrong in the house, you won’t let it affect the good time you had. If there is crap all over the living room and the kitchen is filthy, whistle a little tune to yourself and leave it for the next day. And then the next day, you cart all that shit up to their rooms and leave it on their beds. :)
I hope you take this in the spirit that it was intended. I want to help you but sometimes we can’t do it the nice way. I don’t want you to feel like you have to leave the man you love. Not because I want you both to have a happy ending (because I do want that) the reason why I want this is because you will begin a cycle that you won’t be able to stop. If you leave him for the wrong reasons, and right now they are wrong because you aren’t doing everything that you can be doing to fix this issue, then you are doomed to repeat it over and over and over and over again. Do you get me? If you walk away after trying EVERYTHING possible AND talking to him for months and still nothing is changing, then that is one thing. But walking away when you haven’t finished the job…well, that’s just being a quitter. Someone who’s too afraid to face things when they are too hard. I don’t get the feeling that’s the person you are. I think you are a fighter. So start fighting intelligently!
My best wishes for you sweety. I’ll keep reading your blog. God, I hope you don’t have me for saying all these things. :)
Take care.
I’ve just spent a good bit of time reading your blog. I think the thing I have the hardest time with is why do you let the dogs shit in the house? If you paid attention to them, and took them for walks or let them out in the yard, they would do their business there.
When I read about “your kids” it makes me sad that they have turned into such reprobates. If I were you, I’d pack a bag and run like hell as far away from that group as possible before they suck you down to their level.
Thanks for commenting Wow… I always appreciate anyone who takes the time to comment.
About the dogs shit… it’s beyond disgusting and not something that is acceptable to me on ANY level but to say that I they don’t get enough attention is a little off.
I may not post about it :: I guess I’m going to have to just to present a clearer picture :: but Chief takes both dogs out for a long walk before he goes to the shop :: usually around 5am :: .. before I was laid off, I would take them for a walk when I got home from the office. Now that I also work in our store.. which is literally a block from our house.. I come home during the day and take them out again. Our property isn’t fenced so I cannot just let them out in the back yard unattended. We wanted to put a fence up but because we rent and our landlord won’t allow it I can’t just open up the back door to let them out. Also, now that the weather is getting nicer, one of the things Chief and I do for “unwinding time” is take a walk with the dogs.
So they do get walked.. it’s just the time when they are left either with the boys or by themselves that they use my house as a toilet.
As far as the kids go… there have been many times that I wanted to pack up and get the hell out of here. I’ve posted that many times. MANY times.. but that’s what they’re used to. Whether they purposely do things to push my buttons or whether it’s just their way of life, I can’t say but I am determined not to be just someone that breezed in and then out of their lives. That there is the problem. For right or wrong, I love them and understand why they are the way they are. They haven’t been dealt the best cards in life and even though it may be a huge burden that I put upon myself to alter, I accepted the job. Right now, I’m strong enough to go nose to nose with them and with Chief and I have to say that things are finally turning a corner some. They were 9 and 12 when I came into their lives I realistically can’t expect their bad habits to change as quickly as I want them to. But again.. it’s getting better.
No one’s life is perfect and I guess mine is a lot less then some but this is my life for right now… what the future holds remains to be seen
Thanks again for taking the time to write. I hope you continue reading and commenting!
~ Leese
Hi Leese its first time I am visiting your blog and found your story actually very touching…. I read it full but I can’t comment on anything as I feel i would be too young for that ,.. :0 anyway wish you a very happy life ahead.. :)
Song of your Life! http://www.3smartcubes.com/pages/tests/theme_song/theme_song_instructions.asp
Thanks for stopping by Tasneem! It is much appreciated! I don’t know how old you are but please comment when you feel like it! I’d love to hear a younger point of view!! Love your blog, also.. the yoga lady really made me laugh!!
Well Leese I’m not that young too lol! I’m 21!
Also glad you got a laugh out of that yoga post!
May GOD Bless!!!
Gurl, you are hilarious!!! Ive found a new place to hang out.
Keep it comin’!
Thanks!! Humor is the only way to deal!!! LOL
AND u on the blogroll!~
Thx so much.. will add you on mine
I happen to be one of the honored and blessed few who know Leese personally. I cannot think anyone who is more real then her. She is truly a beautiful woman has a heart of solid gold and a very beautiful soul. Simply this woman is AMAZING!
Awww (( blush!! no, not really )) thanks Goob!!! I’ll mail your check out once I get my UC benefits back!! LOL
check ya email!~
shud b gud!~
Leese, you don’t owe me a dang dime! Its cuz I loves you!
You have a very nice blog keep up the great work.
And might I add I just love the design of the pages as well its freaking awesome lol
thanks so much Amy!!
From what I read so far on your blog, you’re living the life.
Good for you!!!
Iam having fun thats for sure gotta do it while the gettin is good lol
I hear ya, girl!!! Get all the livin’ in while you can!!
Leese, hunnn…just put u on my BLOGROLL…xo Cindy.
Have you heard about the book Have A New Kid By Friday?
I think it’s what you are looking for.
Read one of your blog posts about the pat-look-a-like customer. Is your store in Virginia because I swear this could be the same lunatic woman I know (from your description). She was living in Roanoke at the time of your post. X-)
Hahaha, Jerry!! There’s TWO Pats?
No.. my store wasn’t in Virginia.. it was in Pennsylvania.. but who knows, nut cases like her/him tend to migrate often so you never know!!
Thanks for commenting! Much appreciated!