Posts Tagged ‘Cake’

This Is NOT The Berry Dream Cake

When Chief was running the East Coast’s favorite bakery/eatery for 13 years, he had the opportunity to learn A LOT of stuff from the German bakers that worked there.

He was trained in savory.. baking and pastry is a WHOLE other animal.

But he wanted to learn and he did.

He might suck as a man.. father.. and husband.. but he rocks in the kitchen.


At the start of our relationship, he was telling me about this cake he created that was expensive to make and hella labor intensive but absolutely stunning visually and just as delicious.

He called it something then and I can’t remember it so I’ll just refer to it as a Berry Dream cake.

So the Berry Dream cake kind of became like the Holy Grail. It became like this “thing” between us.. whenever he would bake a cake, I’d ask “.. oh! Is that a Berry Dream?” .. or whenever we were at a bakery I’d say, “gee.. no Berry Dream,  huh?”

When he would ask me what I wanted for my birthday.. Christmas.. Anniversary … I’d say the Berry Dream cake.

It may not “read” funny .. but it is.. we laugh over it all the time.

Earlier today we had to go to the market. I wasn’t talking to him but didn’t want him going alone because we’re tight on money and I don’t trust him not to spend it. He’s suppose to get his income tax return in the next few days so I figured in HIS mind, it would be okay to spend whatever he wanted. In MY mind, I don’t spend anything unless it’s in my hand.

Good call.

As soon as we walked in and started walking through the produce section, he started to grab a container of blueberry.

What’s that for, I asked.

He looked at me like I caught him with his hand in the cookie jar at midnight.. “Um.. um.. well..”

ME: You’re not making the Berry Dream cake.
CHIEF: (like a little kid) It’s Valentine’s Day.. I wanted to surprise you.
ME: Surprise me? Because I’m not standing right next to you when you picked up blueberries that we have absolutely no other reason to buy.
CHIEF: Well, when was I suppose to buy them?
ME: Oh.. I don’t know.. because the market is not OPEN 24 HOURS and I don’t sleep bizarro hours??
CHIEF: True.
ME: Besides, there isn’t money in the budget to make it. End of story.

Now, given what had transpired earlier .. I know the reason for this cake isn’t because he wanted to surprise me for Valentine’s Day .. it’s because he was feeling the shade and I wasn’t going to get into there in the middle of the produce section of the supermarket.

I definitely wasn’t going to get into a little later on in the market when he said something about the Tide detergent I had hidden in my closet and just the THOUGHT of having Tide hidden in my closet made me smile.

I wish I could make you smile like that all the time.

Yea.. me too Bucky. Me too.


This is soooo pathetic that I’m laughing hysterically as I type this!!

So the 15th was Chief’s birthday and because we are so incredibly broke right now and I was DETERMINED that he have a birthday cake, dammit.. I decided to bake one for him.

I’m a relatively good baker.. I mean, I can follow directions on a box for Christ’s sake AND I’m an even better decorator. Especially because Chief has all the decoration tip things and the bags and stuff. For years he ran this cafe/bakery that had old school bakers from Germany so he learned from the best .. he himself even won Best Of.. awards .. so he’s showed me some stuff and I couldn’t wait to surprise him with this cake.

The day of his birthday, I wasn’t feeling too great.. starting to get a cold or something.. so I left the shop early and he told me to just go home, take some Nyquil and go to sleep. Perfect. It was early enough to get the cake baked and cooled down in order to have it all frosted and decorated before he came home from work.

So I dug under the car and found a handful of change and drove over to the reduced price market.

No kidding.. that’s how broke we are.

The cake mix cost 89 cent and the frosting 1.19. Perfect.

I wanted to make a three or four layer cake because I’m a freakin’ over-achiever so I bought two boxes of cake mix and a whole lotta frosting. The whole thing cake to like 8 bucks or something.


I get home and am all excited about this freakin’ cake. I butter the pans and guess what? No flour. Ok. Fuck! But oh! There’s cocoa mix in the cabinet! I pulled a HWCHTKD :: How Would Chief Handle This Kitchen Drama :: and sifted the mini marshmallows and used the cocoa in place of the flour.

Awfully proud of myself for that!!

I mix the first box of cake mix and poured it into the two pans. But it looked really, really low. Like, it didn’t even come up to half the pan. Hmmmm…

So I thought that maybe there’s a reason why this cake mix is in the reduced price market and that reason was that it didn’t make the same amount of batter that a Duncan Hines or name brand would make.


I mixed the other box of batter and poured each mix into one pan.

Ok. So I’ll only have a two layer cake. Big hairy deal, right?

I put both pans on a cookie sheet and popped it in the oven.. setting the time to the instructed 40 minutes.

I started to feel like crap so I went to go lay down and watch some tv.

This was the day that Spaz got punched in the face so when Chief walked home from the shop to get the car and go deal with that situation.. he came in the bedroom and told me what was going on. As he was walking out, he told me that he smelled something burning. I jumped up and went into the kitchen and checked the cake.





The batter had risen and was pouring all over the sides of the pans.. the baking sheet and onto the bottom of the stove. It was all over the freakin’ oven.


No birthday cake tonight.

So I removed the baking pan and waited for the oven to cool down so I could clean it.

Now.. let me tell you something about my oven.

I’ve lived here for three years and it was a disaster. I know he never cleaned it and even though I do wipe it out after I use it, it’s never been CLEANED cleaned.. you know, with like the oven cleaner stuff you spray in? So since I now had this birthday cake mess to take care of, I figured well.. Hell, the oven says it’s a self cleaner and I’m sure that birthday cake over flowed into places I wouldn’t be able to get to so why not use the self cleaner?

So the following morning (I honestly was sick) I closed the latch and put the oven on CLEAN. The digital timer automatically set to 04:20.

4 hours? Hmm.. I don’t think I’d want to leave an oven on for 4 hours cleaning itself when I wasn’t going to be home so I turned it off.. went to work.. and figured that I’d just clean it myself when I got home so that I can bake the damn birthday cake.

But when I got home and tried to clean the oven, it automatically went back to self clean mode. Nothing I did.. no buttons I pushed.. would turn it off.

Great. Nothing to do but let it do what it was going to do, right? It’s not like I was going to be able to surprise him with a cake now anyway.. So the oven went ahead an started self cleaning itself for 4 hours and 20 minutes.

Did I mention that it was like, 95 degrees outside?

Only me.

This was on Thursday.

Now I’m thinking YES! Friday I will be able to make a damn birthday cake!! I had left the oven alone all day Thursday.. didn’t even attempt to open the oven door until Friday afternoon JUST IN CASE!!

Friday afternoon I come home from work .. all psyched to get this cake going.. get everything ready to go.. put the oven on preheat.. and nothing.

Nothing but the CLEAN light blinking.


Absolutely nothing I did got the oven back to being an oven. I called Chief and after explaining to him over and over again that I tried everything there is to try .. even cutting off the circuit breaker for a few minutes because I couldn’t move the oven out to unplug it.. I asked him to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call the guy who owns the appliance store across the street from our store and ask him what the hell I can do..

He called me back and told me that the dude just happened to be walking across the street to come into our store and said that he would come up to the house to check it out at 5:30.

But he never showed.

And the oven still is stuck on clean..

And I never got to make the birthday cake..

Of course, the weekend came and the last thing that anyone was thinking about was the oven..

I tried it again this morning thinking that the birthday cake fairy sprinkled some of her magic dust on it and it would work but still the same thing..

So I’m letting it rip again.. maybe it knows that it’s not as clean as it should be and wanted to clean itself again..


But I’ll give it a shot and see what it does..

In the meantime, if anyone knows ANYTHING about a HotPoint Self Cleaning that refuses to NOT self clean, give me a hollar!!

… so.

Everybody who “knows me” knows me knows that I am a shoe whore. No.. not an AWARD whore :: that would be Gary :: but a shoe whore.

I’ll oooh and aaaahhhh and drool and hyperventilate over shoes the same way some woman oooh and aaaaahhh and drool and hyperventilate over << insert celebrity of your choice here >> and it wasn’t nothing to drop a paycheck on a single pair of shoes.

This, of course, was before the responsibilities of step-children.

At last count :: maybe about 3 years ago :: I had over 300 pairs of shoes.

That number includes everything worn on my feet :: including the 25 or so pairs of Chuck Taylors (Converse All-Stars for you noobs) :: but my shoe of choice is the high strappy stiletto.

AKA: The Fuck Me Shoe

Meaning… they are best veiwed when the heels are pointed at the ceiling!

Ok. but anyway …

The other night when I was poking around the Cake Wrecks site, I came across a picture of a perfectly normal .. if not simply gorgeous.. cake that had me ooooh-ing and aaaaahhh-ing and crawling into that secret place behind the closet and secured by the Maxwell Smart doors to stare lovingly at my most prized possession.

So since like.. my birthday is like.. 7 months away.. I figured that would be more then enough time to surprise me with the cake below.. I mean.. if ya want to and all..

Be Still My Quaking Heart!


You know that you don’t have to feel like OBLIGATED or anything.. but the gesture would be really, really, REALLY nice!!!!

I’m just sayin’!!!


I saw a piece on Cake Wrecks in People.. or US.. or one of those weekly magazines that I buy that either make my life seem mundane or just so much better then it really is.

The article just showed a few pictures and I LOL-ed hysterically because we’ve all been there.. done that… ordered cakes where the words were mis-spelled or written in illegible handwriting.. or just.. just.. well, YKNOW.. just left your chin hanging to your knees and the WHAT THE HELL IS THIS spewing from your mouth!

I have a particular interest in it though because I used to work at a bakery in my late teens and although writing on a cake is “different” then writing with a pencil or pen.. it isn’t incredible hard.

NOTE: I know.. I know.. having perfect Palmer penmanship like I do helps but really … it isn’t all that difficult!

And I have been known to buy a cake at a supermarket and tell the pimply face kid behind the cake writing counter “No.. No.. Let me do it. Seriously.. LET. ME. DO. IT!!!”

The other thing is that the uber-chef that is my moron man used to run a well-known bakery/eatery for a dozen or so years and has created some amazing cakes. It’s always interesting to get his take on a design … well, sometimes he’s too fucking obnoxious about it with the whole “… they should have done this or that” which, of course, I THEN say .. ” yea, because you have cake designs all over the internet” which, of course he THEN says, “.. HEY! I’ve won this award and that award and the OTHER award.. THREE TIME!!” which, of course, I THEN say, “.. yea? Who cares.. you own a DELI NOW!!!”

Actually, that same conversation goes on and on so I’ll spare you the obscene length of it!

But getting back to Cake Wrecks … the best apart about it :: aside for the LOL-ing cake pictures :: is the commentary. You want to talk about fucking hilarious?? OMG..  too too funny and SOOO left of center!!!

So check it out.. I know you’ll love it!

Just when will my day start off right?

Last night, Chief had to bake a cake for my girlfriend Chica’s birthday. And honestly, it was a simple request that got completely out of hand.

The cake I asked him to make :: sour cream poppy :: really should be in bundt form.. and that’s how I anticipated it being.

But he wanted to decorate it because if was for a birthday … and Chica’s co-workers :: who had asked me if Chief could bake it :: were all up into the icing.

I should have just nixed it right when it started to become a problem but Chica is one of my best-ests friends in the world so I was basically doing it for her.

So last night when the shop closed, Chief made two cakes. One for me and one for the store. The only problem was is that the fell from the vibration of the Kitchen Aide mixer so he had to make one all over again… this being at 11pm by this time.

So he does and says that he will decorate it in the morning.

Fine. He was exhausted.. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was go home and lay down.

We get home around midnight and the boys were in the bedrooms. Personally, I think that they heard us drive up but whatever..

Chief had asked me earlier if Bubba had brought his clothes downstairs and I told him I didn’t know.. I was rushing around too much and didn’t want to get myself aggrevated if he didn’t. Actually, I saw clothes in the bathroom but I didn’t know if they were his or Spaz’s.

Anyway … long story short … the clothes in the bathroom were Bubba’s and Chief said he was going to throw them in the wash. Whatever. I wasn’t going to do it.

So he does and I go to sleep.

Fast foward to 5am. The alarms go off and Chief gets up and puts the clothes in the dryer. I know I’m going to be late for work because he has to still go to the wholesaler and decorate the cake so I’m in no rush to get out of bed. But I do, at 6:40.

I go into Spaz’ room to wake him up and it’s in the same disaster condition that Bubba’s was. I just shake my head.

Then I go upstairs to wake up Bubba. I can’t even describe what was up there except to say that he SO OBVIOUSLY did not do anything in his room except take the small pile of clothes down to the bathroom.

When he comes downstairs, I tell him to get his clothes out of the dryer and went into my bedroom to get ready for work.

Bubba lays down on the couch and goes back to sleep.

Chief walks in around 7:10 and immediately asks Bubba about his grades.

NOTE: Forgot to mention this but I got an email from Bubba’s teacher saying that I didn’t have to pay 40.00 for the extra 8th grade stuff ( dance, t-shirt, etc. ) because he’s pulling a 55 average and he wasn’t eligible to participate.

Don’t quite remember how it happens but while Bubba is in the bathroom, Chief yells through the door that Bubba didn’t pick up the dog mess upstairs did he… Bubba says no and I said that he didn’t do ANYTHING in his room. Chief goes upstairs and comes down hammering at Bubba again.

Meanwhile, Spaz is in the living room saying how he has to clean his room. I told him no, he doesn’t have to clean is room.. he has to take EVERYTHING out of it. And if necessary, I’ll sit in the doorway and WATCH them clean their rooms to make sure they’re done right.

We finally leave and get to the store. Chief goes to decorate the cake and I’m doing what he normally does so that he doesn’t get backed up.

He had all kinds of problems… he had a hard time removing the cake from the pan.. the cream cheese icing wasn’t thick enough to hold it’s shape.. the piping tube broke so he had to improvise…

I understand all that but I have to be honest. I was really disappointed in the way it looked. And I knew that if someone had ordered it from the shop, there was no way that he would let that cake go. But it seems whenever he does something that’s for me, it’s not the best that I know he CAN do and to me, he should pull out all the stops when it’s for me.

This isn’t the first time .. the cake he made for my cousin’s baby shower was the same way .. in fact, he was almost finished decorating it and he didn’t feel ike doing the back so he said, “Fuck it.. this is the way they’re getting it”

And I have to tell you.. that really hurt my feelings in a big way.

So this was the same way but I just shut my mouth and swore to myself that I would NEVER ask him for another cake :: regardless of what the occassion is :: again. I was so embarassed by the way the cake looked that I am going to give the birthday club their money back.

I was talking to my girlfriend about what was going on and she said that I sound completely disgusted. I told her that if I don’t get layed off, I don’t think i can take another summer like last year when all they did was mess up the house and all I did was clean it up. She offered all kinds of advice that I had already tried so right now, I’m basically having all these bad thoughts.

Half of me wants to talk to him and come clean about what I’ve been feeling lately and the other half just wants to forget he exists right now.

Don’t know what to do… suggestions?