Okay..
Heh…
I actually debated whether I would tell this or not. Only two people know about it and it reveals something about me that only really Chief knows.
But it’s waaaaaaayy funny so I figured what the hell.
NOTE: This is going to contain adult content so if your underage OR have take offense to anything containing adult content STOP READING RIGHT NOW
Alright… let me get a sip of coffee here.
So I’ve never been a “frigid” kind of gal … I’ll be the first one to admit that I’m a freak that has some slack in her leash.
The Spawn from Satan’s Ass was strictly a pump-pump-release missionary guy so yknow… sex was kind of boring for 18 years. Well, replace “kinda” with REALLY.
So when I met Chief.. I was in this whole FREE TO BE ME mentality. Inevitably with adults, the whole sex conversation came up. I can remember if I asked him what his fantasy was or if he volunteered the information.. although I can’t actually imagine a guy being dumb enough to OFFER this up to a women that he really didn’t know yet but that’s beside the point.
He tells me that his fantasy has always been to be with two woman at the same time. Real original there Chief!!
And I respond that since I’m more into lesbian porn the regular porn :: I thought I heard the boner pop up over the phone with that statement :: and that I have this little bi-curiousity vein running through me I wouldn’t dismiss the possibility.
I think that’s when he asked me to marry him right then. LOL.
Anyway… a month or so into dating, his birthday was coming up and I was struggling to figure out what to get him. You know the whole new relationship – big impact gift. And the thought hit me that making his fantasy come true was an AWESOME gift.
So I call my friend Biker Boy Bob who’s all into glory holes and swinging because if ANYBODY would know how to set this up, it would be him. The problem is that I used to date Biker Boy Bob and the reason why we stopped dating was because of the whole glory hole and swinging thing.
I know, I’m a study in contradictions… right?
Anyway.. Biker Boy Bob was ALL into helping me except HE wanted to be involved. Um.. NO.. that would make it an ORGY and this gal just doesn’t do ORGIES ..
He tells me that orgies are like having multiple pets. Once you go past two, it really doesn’t matter.
Um.. yyyyeeeeaaaaaaa…. ok.
So Biker Boy Bob gets a knickers in a twist and won’t help me.
FINE!! I have the internet!!!
So I go online and start popping in and out of different forums and the one thing that kept coming up is the whole mental part of it. What seems like a good idea can turn emotionally disastrous for the woman who wasn’t the second woman.. in other words, the wife.. girlfriend.. ect.
And even though I’m really not a jealous person.. I do have self esteem issues and body issues and issues that every other normal woman has. Well.. normal like me at least.
But none of that mattered because.. honestly? It was too new of a relationship to have any type of those deep seated emotional ties. You know what I’m saying, right? I mean … yeah, I really really dug him but that whole OMG I CANT WAIT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU AND YOUR MORONIC KIDS AND CRACK WHORE EX WIFE feeling hadn’t started to tingle yet.
So, to me, it really didn’t matter. I wanted to have the experience and if it turned out that he was more into the OTHER woman after then so what. I knew that if that DID happen, I would be crushed and hurt and all that other stuff but I also knew I’d get over it and move on.
Alright.. so the more I looked online the more safety became an issue. Because, lets face it, there are A LOT of skanks on the internet. And the one thing I didn’t want to take away from the experience was an STD.
Going along with the whole “… you get what you pay for” philosophy, I figured that my health was worth paying for. So I dug into the local yellow pages :: I’m thisclose to a large, urban city so finding a (( cough cough )) service wasn’t going to be difficult :: and found exactly what I was looking for.
Big Ads = Expensive Ads = as reputable a bordello as you can legally get away with!!
So I call the number and this woman answers. I tell her that it’s my boyfriend’s birthday and I would like to gift him with a night “out on the town” but wanted to have some “company” just in case.. yknow.. we ran out of things to talk about.
The woman definitely caught the WINK WINK … but really, ANYBODY would have caught on. Cause, yknow, the more you try to hide something the more apparent it is!!!!
WOMAN: Well, I have three girls available that night but I don’t think Diamond and Crystal :: I swear! :: are what you’re looking for. I think (P)Earl would fit your needs.
ME: Ok.. it has to be a female.
WOMAN: Yes, I know.
ME: UM.. Ok.. no. I mean it has to be a “female” female.
WOMAN: Yes, I understand that.
ME: Ok.. (giggle) Look, I never did this before so I’m not sure I’m saying the right thing.
WOMAN: (laughs) No, I understand exactly what you need.
ME: Ahhh. So… why exactly can’t I hire Diamond or Crystal?
WOMAN: Their availablity is limited time wise.
ME: Uh-huh. Ok. But.. um.. see.. I just know……
WOMAN: You won’t be disappointed with (P)Earl
ME: Well.. I’m sure Earl is very nice and all but I’m sure my boyfriend will NOT appreciate a girl who really isn’t a girl.
WOMAN: (soooo confused) What?
ME: My boyfriend isn’t going to go for a transvestite.
WOMAN: WHAT?
ME: I said…
WOMAN: No.. no.. I HEARD what you said. (P)Earl isn’t a transvestite. What are you talking about???
ME: OMG.. I’m sorry! I thought that’s what you called them.
WOMAN: Call WHO?
ME: People like Earl.
WOMAN: What???????
ME: You know…
WOMAN: Obviously, I don’t know.
ME: Guys dressing like girls… Chicks with dicks???
WOMAN: (obviously annoyed) What??? Is this a joke?
ME: No! No! It’s not a joke.. Listen, all I’m trying to do is get a girl for my boyfriend’s birthday. Not someone like Earl.
WOMAN: (P)Earl is a girl…
ME: (defensive and really getting pissed off) THEN WHY IS HIS NAME EARL??
WOMAN: (Waaaaay more pissed off then I am now) PEARL!!! PEARL!!! HER NAME IS PEARL!!! NOT EARL!! I think you need to call another service.
ME: oh.
And then she hung up on me.
I swear to God that whole time I thought she was saying Earl and I remember thinking that she had misunderstood what I was looking for. I guess I hear with a lisp, I don’t know… but after the phone call I got HYSTERICAL … because yknow… if this was going to happen, OF COURSE it would happen to me!!!!
I immediately called Chief and told him the conversation. It was just too damn funny to keep to myself. He laughed just as hard but then turned all serious on me.
CHIEF: I appreciate you wanting to do that and all…
ME: Why do I hear a “but” coming
CHIEF: Well, it’s just that I don’t think our relationship would stand it
ME: Huh?
CHIEF: I’m just saying that maybe it isn’t such a good idea
ME: I’m not catching what your saying
CHIEF: Look.. It’s just that.. yknow.. I love the fact that you would want to do this for me but let’s just leave the fantasy the fantasy, ok?
And then I got it. His feelings were deeper for me then mine were for him at that point in our relationship. The emotional feelings I had read about on the internet applied to him more then they would have applied to me then. And I also thought that having a fantasy and going through with the fantasy are two very different things and maybe he wasn’t as confident as he had first made himself out to be.
Dunno..
Just something else to put in my “… me and Dick Tracy” box!!! LOL
LIVING ME 101 