So Mother Fucking Pissed Off…

… I am literally shaking.

I want to punch something.

Really, really hard.

Bubba.. The Crack Whore… Chief…

I can’t FUCKING believe that they all think it’s OK.

Especially Chief.

ESPECIALLY CHIEF.

I can’t FUCKING believe that I’M the only one WHO SEES THIS.

This isn’t for me… it really, really isn’t…

No.. not at all..

I refuse to accept this.. I refuse to live like this.. I REFUSE to be treated this way…

Right now, I can’t go into it. I will literally go fucking ballistic and that no one.. NO ONE wants to be around me when I go ballistic because then all bets are off.. ALL bets..

This isn’t working.. and I’m done trying.

THE GOOBER FILES: Moose Calls

IF ONLY I KNEW HOW TO PUT SOUND ON THIS THING!!

.. I will tell you right off the bat that THIS is one of those things that you really needed to be there for.

I’ll try as hard as I can.. but I seriously doubt I’m going to be able to translate this in a way where you’ll be bent over trying not to pee yourself.

Goober was in the Air Force and one of the places he was stationed was Alaska.

It was there that he met the woman who would 1) become his wife 2) give birth to his daugher :: um.. may not be in that sequence, I don’t remember! :: and 3) became his ex.

Since The Goob lives far, far away from both Alaska AND his daughter.. it is a very rare opportunity that he can afford to fly and see her.

It just so happened that he changed positions in the company that he worked for that involved A LOT of traveling AND as it happened, one of the places he had to travel to was Alaska.

I used to call him all the time when he was on the road.. I just thought that living out of suitcases three weeks out of the month.. staying in hotels.. eating meals :: ahem :: alone… you know, you’d want to hear a friendly voice to pass the time

Anyway.. so Goober was in Alaska and he was telling me that Moose :: Meese? LOL :: roam freely around the area that he was in. I can’t remember if he told me that the local take Moose Poop :: which look like little pebbles :: and paint them gold for tourists.. of if that fact was one of the random things that develop in my imagination!

Anyhoo… so he was telling me that moose have a very, very .. um.. distinct.. mating call and had I ever heard it?

Now, living in the city, the only moose I ever came in contact with was Bullwinkle and I seriously doubted that there was a cartoon episode where Bullwinkle sounded the moose mating call. Well.. MAYBE if he secretly had a “think” for Rocky but.. yknow.. who am I to question.

Anyway.. so The Goob proceeds to make this mating call which sounded like a cross between a very loud cow and a minor character from the movie SCREAM.

I literally got hysterical.

I have a big ol’ belly laugh anyway. In fact, people tell me that THEY laugh just because I laugh… so you can imagine how hard I was laughing. I literally had to cross my legs an do the “pee-pee” dance.

The FUNNIEST part of the whole thing was… Goober was in a McDonald’s drive thru.. at lunchtime.

Now.. imagine this 6’4″ :: a’ight already! 6’2″ :: Paul-Bunyon-esque of a man sitting in a rental car making loud moose mating call noises in a drive thru line.

I kept on asking him to do it … and to his credit, he did. But eventually, the line kept moving along and pretty soon, you guessed it! He was in front of the ordering box!

Honest to God, you had to be there! It was THE funniest damn thing!

So now, of course, ever once in awhile I’ll leave him a voice mail making the moose mating call!

NOTE: If you’ve never heard it.. then PLEASE google it! It’ll all make sense then!

The BUBBA Situation

… where do I start with this kids?

Seriously.

He’s the most laziest.. most unmotivated.. usless 14 year old I ever met. That may sound harsh but if you’ve read my past posts about his, I bet you would wonder “how”?

HOW Leese? HOW do you not take a railroad tie and drive it through his head?

Answer: Because it’s so damn thick that I’d wind up impaling it through my own hand.

There has always been issues with him… not doing what’s asked.. not taking showers.. not doing his school work.. not keeping his room clean.. not sleeping in his bedroom..

And I know you’re thinking that all that is normal 14 year old behavior. And maybe you’re right but doesn’t a 14 year old eventually wind up GETTING THE HINT?

Last year he failed 7th grade. He WOULD have passed if he had done his homework but nope.. too much effort. Cut into HIS time with his friends. The option then was to pay 300.00 to send him to summer school OR let him repeat.

I wanted him to repeat.

Chief wanted to send him to summer school.

At the time of registration, we didn’t have 300.00. The shop was in it’s final stages of being opened and any “extra” money we DID have had gone to the rent, paint, etc.

By August, though, things were ALITTLE better so what was the biggest hairbrained idea that Chief came up with? Sending him to Sylvan Learning Center.

Sylvan is suppose to be THE best in tutoring problem kids. And they should be for 100.00 an hour + the 150.00 assessment fee. Because they have a payment plan, the 940.00 A MONTH was.. well.. not “do-able”… not even “realistic” .. but if we didn’t pay our rent and of course, one month fell when I received 3 paychecks.. then it could be a go.

And it was a go.

3 nights a week I had to take him and pick him up. 3 nights a week he bitched and complained about going and how “stupid” the tutors were.

Heads Up, Bubba.. if you used the brain got gave you wouldn’t even be IN this situation.

Chief kept drumming it in his head that we’re putting ourselves in a financial hole because we believed in him.. that “maybe” the only thing he needed to learn was HOW to learn.. and Bubba kept promising NOT to let the same thing happen again in 8th grade.

NOTE: The school had agreed to accept any learning plan from Sylvan as proof that he had put his time in academically over the summer and would pass him into 8th Grade.

Well guess what.. 8th grade rolls around and while the first.. oh.. I don’t know.. 3 weeks were good.. it’s been a fight with him ever since.

And now, yesterday, I got an email from his teacher saying this:

Hi,

Bubba has taken a turn for the worse. I did contact his father last

week. He has not handed in any assignments and sits in class idle.

Missing Assignments:

Camp Harmony Questions.. Literature Book pp. 399-476 question p. 477

Jonas Characterization sheet (The Giver)

Letter to the Elders (The Giver)

Notecards (15 notecards on topic for research paper.)

Outline (organization for research paper)

Research Paper (due today) 3-5 pags on topic on the Holocaust

Giver Take Home Test (due Monday) Will be sent home on Thursday

I spoke briefly to Ms. xxxxx and Ms. xxxxxxxx. Matt is failing both

science and social studies.

This with only something like 2 weeks left of school.

But… that was only part of it yesterday.

Bubba has a habit of sleeping on the couch. Chief hates it.. I despise it… it’s one of the reasons why we had to get another living room set. I really can’t say too much when we had a heat wave because his room gets like an oven. But we snapped out of the heat wave and so either I or Chief will force him to go upstairs.

NOTE: Bubba is the only one with a bedroom upstairs. Initially both Spaz and Bubba were up there with Weed occupying the fourth bedroom downstairs. When Weed got out of rehab last year, we moved him upstairs because the downstairs bedroom had too much opportunity for access by his friends. Since Weed got thrown out, that bedroom was suppose to go back to Spaz but I haven’t had the time :: or energy, frankly :: to re-paint it and switch Spaz’ stuff.

Since Bubba IS the only one upstairs, there really isn’t a need for anyone else to go up there. Sure, I know what your saying:

LEESE, IF THE KID IS NOTORIOUS FOR LIVING IN FILTH AND ITS YOUR HOUSE THEN YOU SHOULD BE UP THERE CONSTANTLY.

And your right. I agree. The thing is :: and I KNOW it sounds like an excuse :: is that by the time we each get off work.. and do laundry.. and eat dinner.. and all that other stuff, his room falls by the wayside. Is it right? No. It isn’t. And should we be more diligent? Absolutely. But that’s the reality of it all.

Also, yknow, for the amount of time he’s been grounded about it.. and had things taken away.. and been beaten with a belt becaues of it.. you think HE’D get it? You think that when we say to him, “… clean up your room right after school?” He’ll DO IT? Or at least not mess it up to beging with?

Nope.

The other thing is that Chief needs to be the disciplinarian here. Unfortunately, I hold NO weight with Bubba… Spaz neither but he’s starting to “get” it.. And if Chief isn’t going to make an issue out of it, why should they pay attention to me? Not that THAT is either right or wrong, but I have the gut feeling that that’s the gist of it.

Chief is a cream puff when it comes to them. Yea, he can yell, scream, hollar and weld a belt but then he gets all concerned that they think he’s an asshole. Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass if they think I am or not. There were plenty of times I thought that my parents were asses but you know what? I did what I was told and grew to understand why they did the things they did. It made me into the person I am today.

But yesterday, Chief happened to be home when it was time to wake the kids up for school and when he saw Bubba’s room, he went ape shit.

I took pictures of it :: that because I am all prepared to email them to the crack whore when Bubba goes weeping to her that we’re being unfair and always pick on him :: and even though it will be completely and utterly mortifying to do so, I’ll post them.

Right now, the camera is in my car and I really don’t feel like getting it but I will post them.

So between his room.. and his grades.. Chief was beside himself. Although I shouldn’t, there are times when I don’t say too much about it because sometimes I don’t feel like I have a right to. That’s a whole OTHER issue but right now this is about Bubba.

Chief told him that he had to come home right after school and clean his room. That he’s grounded and that he’s going to be up there supervising when he gets home.

Fast foward to that afternoon.

He wasn’t home when I got home to start dinner. I had to call Chief about something and when I did, he asked about Bubba. I told him he wasn’t home and you could have heard the steam coming out of his ears.

Spaz overheard the conversation and said that when Bubba came home after school, he told Spaz that he had cleaned his room and was allowed out.

Chief wasn’t pleased. At all. And I thought that THIS would be the incident that would have Bubba be on the receiving end of a can of Whoop Ass.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t look forward to him getting in trouble.. don’t look forward to him getting yelled at because Chief can seriously make you cry with his words. But like I said to Chief :: this regarding Bubba’s grades but also applies here :: Bubba is so used to getting away with everything that in his mind, if he waits it out long enough, it’ll pass and things will go back to the way they were.

So far.. he isn’t wrong because :: for as much as I love him :: Chief has a habit of not following through or easing up.

And the same thing happened last night.

Although Bubba’s room was slightly better then it had been, he never brought down the trashbags from his room OR all the dirty laundry OR the vacuum cleaner. PLUS, he didn’t pick up the dog poop in the hallway.

NOTE: There is a baby gate at the bottom of the stairs to keep the dogs from going up there when no one is home. Bubba REFUSES to put the gate up. Too much effort, I guess. Subsequently, the dogs go up there and poop. Bubba tends to walk right over it.

ALSO NOTE: The vacuum is a thorn in my side. They aren’t allowed to use it because when they did? They would try to pick EVERYTHING up. Stickers, Pencils, Dog Shit… yes, Dog Shit.. because yknow.. GOD FORBID if they bent at the waist.

Chief came home from the shop and while dinner was still cooking, he started to take care of the hallway. He gathered everything in a pile for Bubba to take care of when he got home.

… and he did. Around 8:30. He came in soaking wet from being in the creek with his friends. Chief called out to him :: we were in the bedroom going over business stuff :: and he told him he had to go upstairs and take care of everything. Or he was grounded. I added “… in his room” and Chief repeated that. Although I get the feeling he did so reluctantly.

About a half hour later, I told Chief that he should go up there and check up on him :: I didn’t add “.. to make sure he isn’t sleeping or watching tv” ::. He did and he said that he was doing what he was suppose to do.

I haven’t been up there. And you know what? I’m not going to. All day today I felt … defeated? Like, why should I keep playing a game where I’m not scoring any points?

Around 4pm, I had gone down to the shop to get money off of Chief. I told him that since I was home, I would make dinner and since the market was having a gross sale on pork chops.. and pork chops are one thing I KNOW I can’t screw up.. :: it’s a bitch living with a chef sometimes :: I planned on making them for dinner.

Bubba happened to walk in saying that he needed money to pay off his library dues so that he could use their computer lab. Apparenlty, his teacher gave him an extension on handing in the paper that had been due today. Chief gave him the 2 or 3 bucks but within a half hour, he was back saying that he had used the time allotted and still didn’t finish the paper. He only had like.. 3 paragraphs. The assignment is 3 to 5 PAGES.

They have internet and email addresses at his school so Chief told him to go home.. use the PS3 and email it to himself.  Since emails don’t use a word processor, Bubba asked me how many paragraphs would fit on a page. I told him that it depended on the size of the paragraph. He said, “.. like 5 sentences.”

I told him a random number.. like 8 or 9.. and he put that Eeyore face on again. So told him to go to the crack whore’s. He said that Weed is always on the computer and won’t get off for nothing. Chief said to tell Weed that it was homework and was failing and he was sure Weed would let him on it.

Chief also suggested that Bubba hand write it out and Chief would have it typed.

The bottom line was that Bubba was making ALL kinds of excuses because what he really wanted to to was use my laptop.

He knew better then to ask me.. figuring I’d offer.. but there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to do that. When it finally dawned on him that I wasn’t going to offer, he started saying something about getting the report done and Chief flipped on him again.

He said he didn’t care how he got it done as long as he did.. WE were not going to bail him out again :: like the 2am run to Kinko’s to get an essay printed :: and Bubba was NOT going to twist it around like it was our fault.

That was my cue to leave and I did.

As I was walking out of the store, Bubba called the crack whore. I heard him tell his father that she said she was on her way home from her pimp boyfriends :: what exactly happened to that full time job that ended at 5pm? :: in a half hour and that she would help :: cough cough :: with his homework.

So that’s where it stands.

I don’t know what he’s doing.. if he’s doing it.. when he’ll be home.. the only thing I DO know is that I refuse to take an interest in it anymore.

Can’t I Have It All?

.. yesterday was a bad day on a variety of levels.

I’ll post about all that later on because I don’t have the energy to relive everything :: Emails from both the kids teachers, seeing Weed, the house, etc. :: . I’ve had a lot on my mind lately that has just been tucked away deep in my brain.

Last night, there was enough residual drama with Bubba that Chief was actually awake later then 9pm. I was doing something on the laptopn and I guess I had some kind of look on my face. I don’t hide my feelings very well. I might not express them verbally but there’s no mistaken that I’m feeling some kind of way.

Deep down, I want Chief to press me to tell him what’s bothering me. That’s the kind of person I am.. if I know someone is bothered by something but isn’t talking about it, I’ll try to get them to open up. Maybe because I don’t open up right away makes me sensitive to other’s that don’t. Dunno.

But Chief doesn’t do that. He kind of likes to bury his head in the sand sometimes. But to be fair, he’s under the mindset that if I wanted to talk about things then find. If not, then I guess I really don’t need to talk about them.

For instance, after the S.A.F.E meeting I went to he never asked me anything about it.. never asked me what went on.. never asked me what was going on to make me feel like I had to even go.. never asked me why I felt like I needed to start cutting myself again.

He used to be in a 12-step program so maybe that’s part of it, I don’t know.

All I know is that it hurt. But I accepted things for what they were and either understood him and his perspective OR made excuses for the way he didn’t react.

But last night, I thought that I had to try to let Chief know how I felt about the whole Weed situation.

I had been harvesting my cabbages on Farm Town and he said something about me hating to harvest the cabbage.. and I was like “… no, I just have something on my mind that I want to talk to you about but I don’t know how to.”

He said to just say it and I replied that I was afraid that it was going to come out not sounding the right way. Again he said to just tell him.

So I basically told him that whatever is going to happen between him and Weed is what’s going to happen but whenever I see him I just go back to the time he was arrested..  the house being robbed..  me losing things I could never get back.. the stress.. the worry.. everything I wrote about in a previous post.

I told him that I was trying to not harbor things :: not for Weed’s benefit but for mine :: but it’s hard because I have so much animosity and so much GRRR!!

He said that he didn’t trust Weed and that he a douchbag and but there was nothing he could do about that and to just give it time.

Then he went back to watching the History channel.

Needless to say.. that didn’t leave me feeling to great but I just didn’t have the energy to persue it and frankly, I don’t think he was too upset that I didn’t either.

So all night, I couldn’t sleep thinking about where I am at.. what my expectations were.. what I’m giving up and what I’m actually gaining.

And here’s the thing…

I think I wanted it all.. the I wanted to be happy with myself, happy with my job, have a nice house, have a wonderful functional family, have love.

I never did expect things to be perfect.. nobody, no relationship is but after almost two years I thought I would everyone would find their niches and things would get better..

But the only thing that really happened is that I gained an understanding of THEM but they don’t have one of me.

And that’s a harsh reality.

What is my “role” here.. What “really”  is this relationship…

And even though all relationships take work… I am under the firm belief that if you’re ALWAYS working at it then it really ISN’T working and all your doing is trying to shove a round peg in a square hole.

My having it all is unrealistic.. but shouldn’t you try to get at least as close as possible?

Today I didn’t go to work. I needed a day alone… without kids.. not at the store.. not without Chief.

This morning I acted like any other morning but I didn’t think it was fair for me to NOT tell him that I wasn’t at work. I didn’t want it to seem like I was starting to keep secrets or whatever AND he needed to know that I needed to be by myself.

So about 9, I called him at the store and told him. He was surprised but said that he had a feeling I wasn’t going to go in. I told him I just needed to be by myself and he said he understood. He asked if everything :: or if I :: was okay and I said I was.. just needed “nothing” time.

He did mention about having to go to the wholesalers and I did say that if he needed me to watch the store while he went that to just call me.

Ordinarily, I would have either went down there or called by now but I’m not going to. I can’t feel guilty. I’ve come to the realization that I’m the only one who is going to look out for me and my needs.

If that changes the way things are between us :: for better OR for worse :: then there isn’t anything I can do about it because ultimately, I’m responsible for my own happiness.

The Things You Find Out By Accident

Whoa.

Hmmm.

Spaz was at the shop this afternoon when I got there after work. He didn’t have a particularly good day at school and told me his teacher was going to email me.. he then asked me if  he could tell me something in the back.

So we go back there and he tells me that Bubba was being a real bastard :: my word :: this morning.

NOTE: Bubba and Spaz CANNOT be in the same room together without a fight breaking out. It’s to the point where Bubba is only home when he really has to be and Spaz can’t say a sentence without trying to blame Bubba for the ills of the world. It gets very tense.. very frustrating.. and makes it impossible to take them anywhere together or even be near them.

It got so bad that both of them couldn’t be at the store in the morning without fighting and bickering and baiting each other. So for the last few months, Bubba has been leaving for school from the house and I would bring Spaz to the shop.

Before we got the van :: did I mention we got a van? No? Oh.. we got a van :: Chief would sometimes have to take my Mom-Mobile to the wholesalers before the store opened which meant, inevitably, I would be late for work.

Now, with the van, he can do what he needs to do and I can still be out of the house by 7 and get to work on time. The only problem was WHAT TO DO WITH SPAZ?

The answer was simple.. they were going to have to grow the hell up.. act like they are 11 and 14 and leave for school on time. I did it when I was their age. Younger, actually.

So we tried it one morning and Bubba wound up staying in his room until it was time to leave so there was no drama.

The SECOND time Bubba pulled an attitude and said that he will THIS WAS THE LAST TIME that Spaz was going to leave from the house.

Like.. yea.. he has just SO much say.. the little prince.

So today, Spaz asked Chief if he could leave from home and Chief said sure. Bubba went off again and Chief ripped into him. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth so I didn’t hear what was said but when Chief hollars.. he HOLLARS.

So the day didn’t start off well… so when Spaz said he wanted to talk to me, I kind of figured it was about something that happened this morning.

He told me that Bubba kept saying the “F” word.

Right or wrong, FUCK is used alot in our house. And although it really isn’t a justification, it was already being used frequently by Chief and Weed when I moved in and I use it more then my mother would like so it isn’t unrealistic to think that Bubba would say it to. He doesn’t say it in front of me or Chief but I believed Spaz 100% when he said that Bubba told him to “… get the fuck out of the house” or called him “.. a fat fuck”.

What I do take an issue with is that he told Spaz that nobody loves him.. which is Spaz’s achille’s heel.

But worse then that, supposedly, Bubba told Spaz that their crack whore mother wanted to get an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with him.

THAT.. THAT.. was a low blow.. even for Bubba. I know he meant to be hurtful but I don’t think he knows just how deep Spaz’s baggage is when it comes to his mother leaving. It’s bad enough that she never makes time for him and it always seems like he has to beg for her attention. So hearing that was NOT going to help his self esteem any.

Right away, I got defensive for him and said, “… what does he know? He was like 3.”

Chief asked me what was going on and I told him.

He.. very non-chalently.. said, “.. Oh, she wanted to abort Bubba too.”

I gave him a look like .. SHUT UP!!. and rolled my eyes towards Spaz.

I was shocked. Maybe not really “surprised” given that there are times when Chief admits that Bubba and Spaz may not really be his.. and given the fact that she did nothing but .. well.. “run” I don’t think is an accurate description since she was stripping, prostituing and had a web-sex cam gig all while he was working his ass off providing for her and the kids.

Yea.. deep, right?

I told you she was a cunt.

I know how Chief feels about abortion. Being raised in the Pentecostal church, he is definately Pro-Life.. but he told me when we first met that he couldn’t tell a woman what to ultimately do with her body.

I guess he feels differently towards it when the woman in question is his wife but whatever… it just confirmed, for me, that maybe these kids aren’t his and that was the reason why she wanted to abort them.

Maybe it’s just … I don’t know.. the universe just feels a little off kilter right now.

I’m not going to bring it up.. I really have no reason to and what happened in their marrige really isn’t any of my concern or business.

It just makes me think.