Posts Tagged ‘Sex’

Ok..

Before I start saying ANYTHING let me just preface this with:

I THINK SEX OFFENDERS SHOULD ALL BE STRUNG UP ONTO THE NEAREST LIGHTPOST AND SKINNED WITH A DULL SPOON.. AFTER THEY ARE CASTRATED.. WITHOUT BEING NUMBED FIRST.

Does that accurately relay how horrendous I think sex offenders are?

.. and that’s tame.

For me.

Anyway.. the reason I bring this up:

I have a customer who comes in maybe 3 or 4 times a week. I know his wife.. I’ve met his kids.. and his sister is also one of my really good customers. They’re really nice people who are doing what they need to do to provide for their families.

Nothing illegal.. just working hard.. making sacrifices.. etc.

Normal.. everyday.. good people.

So this morning, he comes in and orders a breakfast sandwich. Since Chief cooks everything “made to order” we have a little time to chit-chat.

I ask him how things are going and he proceeds to tell me that his 11 year old son is in trouble.

I ask him what’s going on and he tells me that his son and a bunch of other kids in his class :: some “friends” some just “classmates” :: were hanging around in the school yard after school and boys being boys.. some kids dared the other kids to pee in the parking lot. So my customer’s son did just that.

Pee’d in the middle of the parking lot while all the other kids laughed about it.

A second kid was going to pee also, but the principle happened to be coming out of the school at the time and the kids ran.

It would have probably been just one of those stupid little Ferris Beuller pranks that aggravate the shit out of principles but in this case, there was video tape.

And when the tape was reviewed :: to determine the who the kids were :: and my customer’s son was viewed actually doing the peeing, he got suspended.

End of story, right? And what’s this have to do with sex offenders, right?

Well.. I’m not quite sure how the school board got involved. Not sure if they get involved when their is a suspension or not. But some how, the school board found out and is now pressing charges for indecent exposure on this kid.

Did I mention he is ELEVEN YEARS OLD??

And if that isn’t bad enough, if found guilty, he will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. If found guilty, his family is going to have to move because they live two blocks from the school.

Did I mention he is ELEVEN YEARS OLD??

So now, his parents had to hire an attorney. And if you had been one of the lucky ones :: cough cough :: to have been following Chief’s legal problems last year, you’ll understand when I say that if you can’t afford a good lawyer, it’s no sense hiring a bad one because it’s just a waste of money. An expense that doesn’t quite fit into their already tight budget.

Did I mention that there is video of this incident?

Did I mention that the video shows a bunch of boys egging each other on to pee in the parking lot?

This isn’t an instance where this kid inappropriately touched another child .. it isn’t an instance where this kid took his weener out and waved it at his girl classmates with a Chester The Molester face.

It’s just boys being stupid boys and doing stupid things.

But that seems to be getting lost on everyone who’s so fucking hypersensitive about shit.

Remember, I said I can’t tolerate sex offenders. But is this 11 year old boy REALLY a sex offender?

Is the 19 year old boy who got caught having consensual sex with his 15 year old girlfriend a sex offender because the girl’s parents are pissed that she’s sexually active??

As cut and dry as it SHOULD be, there’s a big, big grey area and when you get into situations like the one’s above, I think it’s only right that you’re very careful on who you slap that tag onto.

So..

Your thoughts?

So I know I’ve been a little out of the loop because of the pig virus and everything but I have to get something off my chest about this whole Tiger Wood’s scandal.

Like.. who really cares?

He may have cheated on his wife with one or more skanks.. may have taken drugs to have sex with one or more skanks.. may have sent suggestive or down right dirty text messages…

Ok.. and SO? Unless your his WIFE :: and really, as freakin’ hot as she is I would suspect that you’d be worried about his mental state instead of his fidelity :: is it really any of our business?

When the “accident” first happened and there were second by second updates on whether or not the he would talk to police and what REALLY happened, I said to Chief that as long as he didn’t kill anyone and had more then enough money to replace the freakin’ fire hydrant this wasn’t “news”.

And when the whole sorid tale was being told, I refused to partake. I just feel like whatever is going on between him and his wife and their relationship isn’t anyone’s business.

And yet, everyone wants to make it there business because people may like to build you up but they just LOVE to tear you down. And that isn’t fair.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors or what evolves in people’s relationships. Who knows why people make the decisions that they do…  as long as it doesn’t have a direct impact on you, you shouldn’t care about it.

I think if more people minded their OWN business instead of other’s then we’d all be in a better spot.

And about this whole “.. well, he’s a public figure” argument. So what. So he’s a highly paid, multi-endorsed golf player. That means he has to live a spotless life?

Did you ever think that having the pressure to live a spotless life will drive someone to make poor decisions?

I just think it’s unfair.. and I certainly would love to see something actually NEWS WORTHY on the news.

<< end rant >>

Okay..

Heh…

I actually debated whether I would tell this or not. Only two people know about it and it reveals something about me that only really Chief knows.

But it’s waaaaaaayy funny so I figured what the hell.

NOTE: This is going to contain adult content so if your underage OR have take offense to anything containing adult content STOP READING RIGHT NOW

Alright… let me get a sip of coffee here.

So I’ve never been a “frigid” kind of gal … I’ll be the first one to admit that I’m a freak that has some slack in her leash.

The Spawn from Satan’s Ass was strictly a pump-pump-release missionary guy so yknow… sex was kind of boring for 18 years. Well, replace “kinda” with REALLY.

So when I met Chief.. I was in this whole FREE TO BE ME mentality. Inevitably with adults, the whole sex conversation came up. I can remember if I asked him what his fantasy was or if he volunteered the information.. although I can’t actually imagine a guy being dumb enough to OFFER this up to a women that he really didn’t know yet but that’s beside the point.

He tells me that his fantasy has always been to be with two woman at the same time. Real original there Chief!!

And I respond that since I’m more into lesbian porn the regular porn :: I thought I heard the boner pop up over the phone with that statement :: and that I have this little bi-curiousity vein running through me I wouldn’t dismiss the possibility.

I think that’s when he asked me to marry him right then. LOL.

Anyway… a month or so into dating, his birthday was coming up and I was struggling to figure out what to get him. You know the whole new relationship – big impact gift. And the thought hit me that making his fantasy come true was an AWESOME gift.

So I call my friend Biker Boy Bob who’s all into glory holes and swinging because if ANYBODY would know how to set this up, it would be him. The problem is that I used to date Biker Boy Bob and the reason why we stopped dating was because of the whole glory hole and swinging thing.

I know, I’m a study in contradictions… right?

Anyway.. Biker Boy Bob was ALL into helping me except HE wanted to be involved. Um.. NO.. that would make it an ORGY and this gal just doesn’t do ORGIES ..

He tells me that orgies are like having multiple pets. Once you go past two, it really doesn’t matter.

Um.. yyyyeeeeaaaaaaa…. ok.

So Biker Boy Bob gets a knickers in a twist and won’t help me.

FINE!! I have the internet!!!

So I go online and start popping in and out of different forums and the one thing that kept coming up is the whole mental part of it. What seems like a good idea can turn emotionally disastrous for the woman who wasn’t the second woman.. in other words, the wife.. girlfriend.. ect.

And even though I’m really not a jealous person.. I do have self esteem issues and body issues and issues that every other normal woman has. Well.. normal like me at least.

But none of that mattered because.. honestly? It was too new of a relationship to have any type of those deep seated emotional ties. You know what I’m saying, right? I mean … yeah, I really really dug him but that whole OMG I CANT WAIT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU AND YOUR MORONIC KIDS AND CRACK WHORE EX WIFE feeling hadn’t started to tingle yet.

So, to me, it really didn’t matter. I wanted to have the experience and if it turned out that he was more into the OTHER woman after then so what. I knew that if that DID happen, I would be crushed and hurt and all that other stuff but I also knew I’d get over it and move on.

Alright.. so the more I looked online the more safety became an issue. Because, lets face it, there are A LOT of skanks on the internet. And the one thing I didn’t want to take away from the experience was an STD.

Going along with the whole “… you get what you pay for” philosophy, I figured that my health was worth paying for. So I dug into the local yellow pages :: I’m thisclose to a large, urban city so finding a (( cough cough )) service wasn’t going to be difficult :: and found exactly what I was looking for.

Big Ads = Expensive Ads = as reputable a bordello as you can legally get away with!!

So I call the number and this woman answers. I tell her that it’s my boyfriend’s birthday and I would like to gift him with a night “out on the town” but wanted to have some “company” just in case.. yknow.. we ran out of things to talk about.

The woman definitely caught the WINK  WINK … but really, ANYBODY would have caught on. Cause, yknow, the more you try to hide something the more apparent it is!!!!

WOMAN: Well, I have three girls available that night but I don’t think Diamond and Crystal :: I swear! :: are what you’re looking for. I think (P)Earl would fit your needs.

ME: Ok.. it has to be a female.

WOMAN: Yes, I know.

ME: UM.. Ok.. no. I mean it has to be a “female” female.

WOMAN: Yes, I understand that.

ME: Ok.. (giggle) Look, I never did this before so I’m not sure I’m saying the right thing.

WOMAN: (laughs) No, I understand exactly what you need.

ME: Ahhh. So… why exactly can’t I hire Diamond or Crystal?

WOMAN: Their availablity is limited time wise.

ME: Uh-huh. Ok. But.. um.. see.. I just know……

WOMAN: You won’t be disappointed with (P)Earl

ME: Well.. I’m sure Earl is very nice and all but I’m sure my boyfriend will NOT appreciate a girl who really isn’t a girl.

WOMAN: (soooo confused) What?

ME: My boyfriend isn’t going to go for a transvestite.

WOMAN: WHAT?

ME: I said…

WOMAN: No.. no.. I HEARD what you said. (P)Earl isn’t a transvestite. What are you talking about???

ME: OMG.. I’m sorry! I thought that’s what you called them.

WOMAN: Call WHO?

ME: People like Earl.

WOMAN: What???????

ME: You know…

WOMAN: Obviously, I don’t know.

ME: Guys dressing like girls… Chicks with dicks???

WOMAN: (obviously annoyed) What??? Is this a joke?

ME: No! No! It’s not a joke.. Listen, all I’m trying to do is get a girl for my boyfriend’s birthday. Not someone like Earl.

WOMAN: (P)Earl is a girl…

ME: (defensive and really getting pissed off) THEN WHY IS HIS NAME EARL??

WOMAN: (Waaaaay more pissed off then I am now) PEARL!!! PEARL!!! HER NAME IS PEARL!!! NOT EARL!! I think you need to call another service.

ME: oh.

And then she hung up on me.

I swear to God that whole time I thought she was saying Earl and I remember thinking that she had misunderstood what I was looking for. I guess I hear with a lisp, I don’t know… but after the phone call I got HYSTERICAL … because yknow… if this was going to happen, OF COURSE it would happen to me!!!!

I immediately called Chief and told him the conversation. It was just too damn funny to keep to myself. He laughed just as hard but then turned all serious on me.

CHIEF: I appreciate you wanting to do that and all…

ME: Why do I hear a “but” coming

CHIEF: Well, it’s just that I don’t think our relationship would stand it

ME: Huh?

CHIEF: I’m just saying that maybe it isn’t such a good idea

ME: I’m not catching what your saying

CHIEF: Look.. It’s just that.. yknow.. I love the fact that you would want to do this for me but let’s just leave the fantasy the fantasy, ok?

And then I got it. His feelings were deeper for me then mine were for him at that point in our relationship. The emotional feelings I had read about on the internet applied to him more then they would have applied to me then. And I also thought that having a fantasy and going through with the fantasy are two very different things and maybe he wasn’t as confident as he had first made himself out to be.

Dunno..

Just something else to put in my “… me and Dick Tracy” box!!! LOL

 

 

Heheh…

DISCLAIMER: There is NO WAY IN HELL that I’m going to be able to convey this with ANY WHERE NEAR the hilarity in which is was originally presented to me!

FULL DISCLOSURE: You have to remember that this happened a few years ago and I can’t for the life of me remember if Goob told me this over the phone or in an email. I want to say email for a variety of reasons so it’s probably long gone by now..

Yep.. went back to November 2006 and couldn’t find it

Anyway… so… heh. You gotta know The Goob.. he’s this 6’4″ mass of Paul Bunyon-ess with tree trunks for arms and the how facial goatee thing going on. In fact, he even said him self that him typing on a keyboard is like gorilla pounding at it.

So.. good looking guy that he is.. he gets interested in one the bar flies patrons at the place where he bounced on the weekends.

AND.. being the guy that he is.. she took complete and utter advantage of him :: my opinion :: and played him like a mandolin. IF she knew what a mandolin was! :: my opinion, again ::

Anyway.. I don’t remember if HE asked her to a movie or SHE mentioned maybe.. possibly.. that she would LIKE to go to a movie.. the memory is fuzzy but the end result is that they made a plan to go to the movies on a Sunday afternoon :: Saturday? Sunday? Saturday? Help me out here Goob ::

So I know he really likes this tramp woman so he does the who metrosexual thing, yknow what I’m saying? And heads over to her place to pick her up.

He knocks at the door and this older woman answers.. I think it was the chick’s mother or something.. and she tells him to come in.

He goes in and he sees the tramp woman sitting on a couch next to this other dude.

And he tells me, “… Leese, you know the size of my nose right? I swear.. and you’re going to think I’m crazy.. but I SWEAR I SMELLED SEX! You know what sex smells like, right? You know what I mean, RIGHT???”

I know what ever I was drinking :: because I’m always drinking something :: shot out my nose because I was laughing so hard.

I asked him what he did… and he said he made up some excuse that he ate a bad hotdog on the way over and had to go home.

So he left.

I remember asking him if.. maybe… possibly the “aroma” was coming from the Old Lady’s “Y:: there goes the ice tea again! ::

But he was like NO! NO! IT WAS SEX! I SMELLED SEX!!!

OMG.. I have to go pee.. that’s how much I’m laughing right now

NOTE: None of the above is Goober’s fault. He did nothing but try to escort a young woman to the moving picture show! Make fun of him and I will shoot a spit ball at you!