MUST Read Of The Day…

… ANY day

As in.. you really NEED to read THIS blog everyday!!

As with most things, everybody else seemed to know about The Sleep Talkin’ Man before I did.

I happen to see a comment on one of my friend’s wall on Facebook and with nothing better to do, I checked it out.

I was LAUGHING SO HARD I WAS CRYING!!

If you haven’t heard about Sleep Talkin Man, you obviously have been under the same rock as I have .. but the deal is that this is just some normal guy who happens to say some pretty bizarre, hilarious things in his sleep.

His wife started writing them down and then recording them mainly for the entertainment of family and friends but like most things on the internet.. somebody shared it with someone who shared it with someone else and the next thing you know this couple is all over the place.

But really .. if you have the same type of sense of humor I have, then this blog really should be one of your daily stops.

Here’s a few of MY favorites:

Oh, my balls are itchy. Have you got the cheese grater?

Being in the same room with you makes me want to suck the pus out of a rancid nasty rectum

Badger tickling. Proceed with caution

Now fuck off and let me bask in the glory of being me

I’d rather peel off my skin and bathe my weeping raw flesh in a bath of vinegar than spend any time with you. But that’s just my opinion. Don’t take it personally.

I haven’t put on weight. You’re eyes are fat

Flap’s on fire. You’re flaps on fire. Chili in the vagiiiiina. I’m a bad bad boy

Ooompa Loompas don’t sing in heaven. They tidy up the clouds

Shhhhhhhhh. shhhhhhhhh. I’m telling you: your voice, my ears. A bad combination.

You’re pretty. pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty…. [long pause] Now fuck off and be pretty somewhere else. I’m bored.

[hand tangled in(wife’s), massaging her scalp] I’m stuck. I’m stuck. Your pubes! You got to shave.

Do you see what I mean???

Fucking hysterical.. and those are just on the first page!!!

You Wanna Know .. But You Don’t REALLY Want To Know

Ok.. so this morning I woke up to torrential downpours. And when I say “torrential” I mean OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. LOOK. AT. THIS. RAIN!!!!

Now, just so you know.. I haven’t been writing about Bubba because I’m indifferent to Bubba. Could care less one way or the other whether or not he lives or breaths. Harsh, maybe.. but that’s how I feel and I’m going with it.

Since last Tuesday when I told him he wasn’t getting the computer and last Wednesday when I was forced to drive him home from the store, I haven’t said one word to him or barely even seen him for that matter.

Thursday was his birthday and it was basically a silent dinner. I did buy him stuff for his birthday .. sneakers, a hoodie and a cheap video camera not because I wanted to.. but I was in robot mode and just did what had to be done because it had to be done.

Now, I’m sure there are those out there who will be all I WOULDN’T HAVE DONE A FREAKIN’ THING but yknow.. it is what it is and contrary to POPULAR belief.. I know what I’m doing.

He made sure to thank his father numerous times and when Chief said, “.. well it was Leese’s idea for the video camera” he didn’t say anything.

Believe me, it doesn’t bother me. Better people then him have said worse things about me and yknow.. because he doesn’t matter to me, nothing he said to or about me matters either.

So.. yknow.. he never came home from school Friday .. stayed out all weekend without a phone call.. and if Chief noticed it or had any thoughts about it then he didn’t share. I think he’s afraid to because I don’t think he wants me reaction to it..

Just goes to show you how OUT of tune he is and how he really doesn’t know me at all.

Anyway.. Bubba didn’t come home last night until after I had already left for the laundromat and he was already asleep by the time I got home so it wasn’t until this morning that I actually had to be anywhere near him.

And yes.. I still drive him to school. Like I said.. “robot mode”. But I have my iPod stuck in my ears so the 5 minute drive to the high school is painless.

Anyway .. so like I said, it’s POURING out so after I drop Spaz off at school, I stop at the shop to get a cup of coffee and Chief says something about making pizza for dinner. We have the pizza dough in so as I’m getting that out of the freezer I mention something about Weed that I’ll post about later and the need to have a little ol’ chat with him.

Chief asks me if I’m going to be at the shop around 4 when Weed comes in and I mention that I told Spaz that I would pick him up from school because of the nasty weather.

CHIEF: What about Bubba?

ME: What about him?

CHIEF: You’re not going to pick him up?

ME: No.

CHIEF: You’re going to let him walk home in the rain?

ME: He has a mother with a car, doesn’t he?

CHIEF: What do you hate him or something all of a sudden?

ME: Hate? No. I don’t hate him. I’m indifferent to him. Hate is the opposite of love and therefore an emotion. I have no emotion for him.

CHIEF: << says something but I don’t remember what it is >>

ME: Look. I’m done with him treating me like shit.. disrespecting me.. giving me an attitude and being called a bitch because he doesn’t get what he wants.

CHIEF: I can understand that

ME: .. because there’s only one constant here. Me always keeping MY word and him always breaking his.

CHIEF: << starting to get uncomfortable >>

ME: .. so it was “Oh.. he’s only 12” and then it was “Oh.. he’s only 13” and “Oh.. he’s only 14” … so what’s it going to be? “Oh.. he’s only 30”?

CHIEF: << really starting to regret even bringing it up >>

ME: .. and I’m done with being the excuse why he’s never home. I’m never even in the same room with him so he uses me as his out to do whatever the fuck he wants to do.

CHIEF: I can understand that

CHIEF: You know what depresses me?

ME: What..

CHIEF: Rainy days and Mondays

ME: You want MY list???

Thinking

Old people on electric wheelchairs at the edge of the Grand Canyon is so not a good idea!!

Have you seen that commercial??

I mean, really .. could there be anything MORE bizarre??

You’re Kidding Me… Right?

So it’s 1am .. I just got back from the laundromat a little bit ago.

I came into the bedroom and obviously, Chief was watching Heroes On Demand because it was on and he was sleeping.

I don’t bother with the tv ’cause I jumped on my laptop but once Heroes finished.. the On Demand thingy timed out and went back to the regular cable. I don’t remember exactly what I heard that made me look at the screen but I did and saw the Animal Planet logo.

I don’t do Animal Planet because whenever I try to.. they’re either always showing something traumatic to my psyche.. or I can’t get to the remote fast enough to change the channel from the commercial that will be showing something traumatic to my psyche..

Hello?? Did you ever SEE the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLaughlin sing about the arms of the angel or Willie Nelson singing about maybe how you didn’t love me?

I’m tearing up now..

Anyway.. The show that happens to be on is called The Haunted.

You know, that show about people living in haunted houses that’s usually on A&E or some other station other then the Animal Planet?

Yea.. well they got one on the Animal Planet ‘cuase.. yknow.. pets can sense ghosts and stuff.

But come on…

Really…

Is there not ANYTHING else to show on the Animal Planet??

And WHY the hell would you see a ghost with black eyes in your bedroom that causes your two black labs to go high tailing out of the house AND NOT TELL ANYONE?????

Are you fucking DENSE???

Must really be time for sleep!!!

Just What Is It With THE GOOD SHEPHERD???

Ok…

So I don’t really  know what the deal is with me and trying to watch The Good Shepherd.

That being the movie starting Matt Damon and Angelina Jolie.

I’ve tried like 4 different times to watch it and every single time I fall asleep.

It’s not that it’s a sucky movie.. because what I HAVE seen of it.. it kept my interest as anything staring Angelina Jolie does.. but something happens when it’s on and I just tank out.

The first time I started watching it was a couple of months ago when it was On Demand.

Fell asleep about 40 minutes in.

I tried watching it again TWICE a few nights ago.. and yep.. tanked out.

So okay .. maybe I was too tired or it was too late or my bed was too comfortable.. dunno

So this afternoon, I came home from doing a catering gig at a church.. took a shower.. put the tv on in the living room and PURPOSELY sat on the uncomfortable part of the couch just to make sure I wouldn’t fall asleep.

And guess what?

Fell asleep.

I’m chalking this one in the NOT MEANT TO BE category but if anyone was able to stay awake and watch it.. can yout ell me what the hell happened???