Thinking

Chinese Food nightmares are WAY worse then pepperoni pizza nightmares

Man.

Where I Used To Live

.. I was cleaning out a box that has been sitting in the back of my station wagon since July.

I know.. please don’t get on me about it. I am well aware that as OCD I am about keeping my house clean, my car looks like a homeless person lives there.

Anyway, I happen to come across a flash drive that I forgot I had and when I investigated the content, I found pictures of my old house after I had remodeled it.

So I’m going to post them just to give you some idea on the conditions that I’m USED to living in and why the house I live in know.. and the people I live with now just completely torque my ass.

A few things before I put the pictures up:

The Spawn From Satan’s Ass was no better at not being a slob. He firmly believed that cleaning was a woman’s responsibility even though THIS particular woman worked 16 hours a day, 5 days a week while HE was home doing absolutely nothing but messing the place up. With that said, it was much easier cleaning up after 1 then 3. A point I made to Chief during one of our very first arguments about the condition of the house and how his kids just don’t give a fuck about anything.

The decor will probably make you shiver.. unless you are Italian and raised in an old-school Italian environment :: which both me and the Spawn From Satan’s Ass were :: Everything is grapes and Tuscan. Mind you.. this was about 4 or 5 years ago so cut me some slack!! LOL!! Beside, I had no velvet paintings of Frank Sinatra.. no plastic seat covers and no wall statues of the Boy from Brussels with oil dripping down the sides simulating rain.

The Dining Room.. Still have the chairs that the kids ruined. How the fuck they can ruin iron chairs is beyond me but the suede covers is an easy guess

This glass top table was bought at BJ’s for something ridiculous like 280.00. Mind you, it took me MONTHS to save the money but I adored this table. Sadly, the table was left at the house when I was finally able to move my shit out because Chief never found the time to help me retrieve it.

Everyone laughed when I told them I was painting the walls yellow but what can I say .. it rocked.

I also laid the ceramic tile floor myself after waiting 3 years and getting tired of having 15 boxes of tiles stacked in the middle of the room. The Spawn From Satan’s Ass liked to believe he was “handy” but .. yea.. not in the least!

The Kitchen .. Don't think you'll be able to see all the GRAPE motiff!!

Ok.. so I’m a little embarrassed that this looks so messy but it was taken at the end of the day when the WHOLE DAY was devoted to remodeling so just excuse the mess.

The kitchen was called an Air Light kitchen or something like that. Basically because it was off to the side and doesn’t have a window. My house was a raised ranch meaning that the two story dwelling had two bedrooms, bath, living room, dining room and kitchen on the second floor. The first floor had the family room, garage, laundry room, powder room and office. The dining room was directly across from the kitchen. The cabinets were trashed when I moved in so I had gotten a few cans of that stone speckle paint and new knobs. I have to say it looked WAY better in person then in this picture.

Kitchen Floor

The kitchen floor was also ceramic tile .. it was a really light grey-ish blue and looked like clouds. The kitchen wasn’t suppose to be an “eat in” one, but I had had this table that had benches instead of chairs and it fit perfect. The table had a mock butcher block that was great when I wa rolling out pasta or cookie dough. I used the second bench that came with the set on the outside of the wall.. as you can see on the right side of the picture.

Small Bedroom

The only thing I did to this room was paper it .. which you can’t see.. and tile the floor.. which you really can’t see. It was all in shades of grey, blue and brown.. hence the color of the valance.

The tile I used here was actually tile that’s usually used in gift shops or doctor’s offices. It’s triple something or other .. don’t remember.. but it went down beautifully. I had ripped out the radiator cover thing and hadn’t replaced it when I took this picture. This became the Spawn From Satan’s Ass’ domain after it was so damn obvious that our marriage was over.

Steps coming up from the front door into the living room / dining room area

This is a great idea if you have some steps that need to have something done to it but aren’t used alot.

Since we generally entered the house through the garage, these steps were only used when company came over. Originally carpeted, they looked like shit when the carpet was removed. So basically all I did was put a few coats of paint on the steps and found a border that matched the decor and glued it to the raisers. It looked pretty awesome and was really cheap to do.

God, I loved this room!

This was my living room. And OMG.. I get sooooo sad when I look at this picture because I loved this room sooo much.

Definitely Italian, don’t you think?

The mural was eight big sections of wall paper that was really too big for the wall but me and my mom made it fit without losing any of the feel. My mom rocks. She did a great job! The desk that you really can’t see in the lower right hand corner was from Ikea and sat right against the railing of the steps .. if you’re standing where this picture is taken and turn left, you’d see the dining room so that’s basically how the house was laid out. What wasn’t over the fire place when I took the picture was a huge branch wreath that my mom was busy hot-gluing with flowers and stuff that matched all my colors.

NOTE: I used to have pictures of the master bedroom and bathroom and rest of the house but yknow.. I didn’t leave on the best of terms and a lot of stuff got destroyed or trashed by him so .. it is what it is.

So that’s about it .. after the trip down memory lane, I’m kinda depressed so I’m going to go eat the roll of SweetTarts I found in my handbag!!!

Does God REALLY Hate Me?

.. the kids are off from school AGAIN today..

AND they’re off on Monday

If karma is indeed a bitch, then I must have been a HUGE one in my last life!!

TMI Thursday – Installment 4

Ok.. so I know that I’ve missed a few TMI Thursday. Not for um :: cough cough :: lack of content but simply, I forget it’s Thursday most times.. usually reminded when I find Project Runway on the cable grid fifteen minutes after it started.

HATE missing the first 15 minutes.

And.. yknow.. once Project Runway is over I’m toast so there you go.

Anyhoo…

So today.. since I’m basically snowed in AND it’s Thursday, I figured I’d resurrect the tradition!

At least I know that will make Gary happy and Mark pee himself. Maybe. That’s the goal anyway!

A little while ago, Gary posted posted a question on his blog that made me think of something that happened to me years ago… and was repeated to just about everyone who knew someone who knew what happened to me.

That’s A LOT of people folks.. since I generally laugh at myself and have no filter for embarassing myself.

Ok.. I left you hanging long enough.

CAUTION: The following may leave you with a visual you may not want. It may also leave you really offended or you may wind up spilling hot coffee on your lap. If you do, don’t sue. I have absolutely no money to hire a lawyer for frivilous lawsuits.

A’ight..

So in case you didn’t know, I had my woo-ha pierced. You know what a whoo-ha is, right? It’s a friend of mine’s term for the female part of the body that differentiates them from males. Yknow, the Y? The um.. Mound of Venus? The Va-jay-jay?

OK!!!!!!!!!! Geez!! The Clit.. alright? I had my clit pierced!!

If you didn’t know and want to find out alllllll about it, read HERE.

So maybe a week or so after it was pierced, I was having dinner with a group of friends that I used to work with. I guess about 6 or 7 of us. We went to this pretty upscale restaurant where my friend Gags knew someone who knew someone.

NOTE: I call her Gags NOT for the obvious reasons.

So I did the whole girly thing and got all fancied up. To mentally prepare, I even put on underwear.

Yes.. for those of you who don’t already know, I’m not a big fan of underwear.

WARNING: MEN SKIP OVER

I had.. well.. still have.. this really girly black lace thong / pantie set that makes my boobs look AMAZING!! So amazing that I can actually say that I know what Victoria’s little bitty secret is!

SAFE FOR MEN TO RESUME READING

I really wanted to wear these really awesome pair of heels that I had bought:

Please don't ask me why I have a picture of my shoes!

So since I generally buy shoes without caring if I have something to match them, I dug through my closet and found this really sweet pair of black pants that had this beading deal on them .. and a light tan suede top that wrapped around just the right way to show off a little bit of the black lace bra.

I can do the girly thing when I really.. really want to!

Anyway.. so we meet up at the restaurant and we’re having a good time catching up on this and catching up on that.

Right after the main course is served, I have to go to the bathroom. I drink ALOT of coffee generally and even more fluids were ingested during the wait at the bar for the rest of our group and during dinner so far.. so I really had to go pee.

I’m not a very good “.. I think I may have to tinkle so I’ll go now just in case” person. I’m the “.. wait for the very last nano second before having to race to the nearest bathroom and then unbutton.. unzip.. or pull down along the way” kinda gal.

And that’s exactly what happened.

I race to the bathroom.. bust into the stall.. start pulling down my pants… and OH MY FUCKING GOD THE PAIN.

A searing white hot lightening of pain that made me forget all about my need to empty my bladder.

What the hell?

I try lowering my pants and underwear again.. slowly this time.. and it won’t budge without my having to suck in my breath so hard to avoid the lightening.

And then it dawns on me. Oh.. son of a BITCH!!! My piercing poked through the lace of the thong and got all twisted up in there. It was so absurd that I started laughing. Not to myself, mind you.. out loud and proud!

I have this really bawdy laugh and when I find something really, really funny.. I laugh. Loud.

So I’m standing in the stall with my back to the door, digging down in my whoo-ha trying to get the little barbell-y thing untangled from my underwear. And the more I couldn’t.. the more I laughed.

Someone happened to come into the bathroom and heard me laughing.. but to her, it sounded like I was crying. I had heard the door opening so I wasn’t jumping out of my skin when I heard someone gently knocking on the stall door asking if I was okay..

Between laughs.. I said that I was fine.

She asked if I was with anyone in the restaurant and I told her again that I was fine, thank you very much.

Obviously, she had a good Samaritan complex and when she left the bathroom she went up to the nearest waitress and told her that there was a woman who was obviously distressed in the ladies’ room.

The waitress happened to be standing right behind Gags. Now.. you might have to “know” Gags to appreciate this but she she hears EVERYTHING. I mean.. EVERYTHING. Put her in a stadium full of people and she will tell you what everyone around her is talking about. Usually it’s funny. Not this time.

She hears the conversation between the woman and the waitress.. puts two and two together and very loudly says “OMG! There’s something wrong with Leese!!!” She jumps up from the table along with two more of my girlfriends and they rush to the ladies room.

While all this is happening, I’m still in the stall diddling my crotch. Trying to do that in 4 inch heels kinda throws off your balance so I figured I would leverage myself by putting one foot on the rim of the toilet seat. Yknow.. give me a little space to work with.

So I’m standing there.. with my foot up on the toilet rim trying to finish what I started and the heel of my foot slips.

Did you see the picture of my favorite shoes?

My favorite SUEDE shoes???

Forgetting all about my tangled underwear, I use sheer will to not have my tan suede shoes dunk in tidy bowl blue water. Grabbing onto the top of the stall walls helped. Alot.

But now I’m laughing even harder.. especially because I am in a very compromised position with pants almost at my ankles and holding myself up by the stall walls.

It’s at this moment that Gags and my other friends bust into the bathroom literally screaming LEESE! LEESE! ARE YOU OK? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?

Which .. yknow.. if I was a normal person, I would have just told her everything was fine but I’m not normal so I bust out laughing louder.

Gags has been my friend a long time and she’s been through a lot of ups and downs with me .. especially with the Spawn From Satan’s Ass.

She hears the laughing.. and I guess it must have sounded like I was bawling.. so with a loud OMG!! she literally dives under the stall door.. all brown and blond spiky hair and designer glasses and on her back.

The look on her face when she saw me hanging from the stall walls with my pants at my ankles and my foot in the air was PRICELESS.

It was one of those moments where it feels like time stops or everything moves in slow motion. It felt like forever but it was probably and instant before she yelled WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU FREAK????

Through laughs, I told her to help me get my balance.

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? IM HALF WAY UNDER THE DOOR ON THIS DISGUSTING FLOOR THAT WILL PROBABLY GIVE ME ECCCCZZZZEEEEMMMMMAAAAA!!!

Gags has this thing with eczema.

She winds up crawling all the way into the stall with me and having no real idea how it happened, I was able to get my balance. And between her yelling at me, I was able to tell her what happened.

And then she laughed.. which made me laugh.. which made our friends who were still in the bathroom wonder what the fuck we were doing.

JUST RIP THEM OFF FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

I told her I couldn’t do that.. that I liked this set.. and she nodded in complete woman understanding.

She then did what only a real BFF would do .. offered to untangle it for me. But that was just too freakin’ weird.. even for me. So Gags unrolled half a roll of toilet paper onto the floor.. made me take my shoes off.. and then I did this whole Houdini trick to step out of my underwear and when I finally did, I was able to do what needed to be done to get untangled.

My other friends had already left the bathroom once they found out what was going on so when me and Gags returned, they all stood up and clapped.

There was a large group at the table to the side, asked one of my friends what was going on and she loudly proclaimed THE ONE IN BLACK PANTS GOT HER PIERCING STUCK IN HER UNDERWEAR!!!!

You remember that shampoo commercial for Fabrege? You know that one.. it went something like “.. she told her friend who told her friend who told her friend and so on and so on and so on” ? …

yea.. it was something like that

Can We Get MORE Ghetto??

So… if the wood railings that the landlord had put on the house on the cheap weren’t enough to make us ghetto…

If the fact that we found paint and spackle (sp?) splattered all over the wooden floors when we ripped out the rugs weren’t enough to make us ghetto..

If the fact that the grill outside had the wheel and handle broken off when Bubba tried to use it to bet into the bedroom window when he was locked out wasn’t enough to make us ghetto…

NOTE: There’s more but I don’t want to embarrass myself TOO much!!

Then I present the following:

The other day I noticed that one of the kitchen cabinets was cracked from top to bottom about a half inch away from the edge of the door.. or the side where the hinges are.

This happened because the idiots I live with would swing the door open too hard and it would bang again the knob on the adjacent cabinet. Which is a corner one so it’s know was in JUST THE RIGHT SPOT for it to weaken the door when the idiots.. who not only open the door too hard..  but would then PRESS the damn door open.

In order to fix it, I knew that I needed a a clamp. A size which I didn’t have. I was going to take the door off for Bird’s husband to fix but Chief was all No.. NO.. I can fix it. You don’t need a clamp, you can just use a dresser drawer to hold it into place.

Like I said. Ghetto.

But ok.. if you can do it then do it.

Of course, it took him THREE days to even look at the door and it only happened because we were in the kitchen at the same time and I blocked the way out and frantically pointed at the door. LOOK! LOOK! FIX THE DOOR!

So he looked at it and was all “.. yea.. the only way that’s going to get fixed is to use a piece of luan to glue it to the back for strength.

Uh huh.

If that wasn’t bad enough, he asked me if I knew what luan was. I may not be able to spell it dammit, but I just gave him my “fuck you” eye roll.

I walked out of the kitchen and grabbed a screw driver and handed it to him.

I’ll have you know that I refrained from saying STICK IT UP YOUR ASS when he asked me what I wanted him to do with it and just said to take the door off before the morons break it more.

So this is what I’m left with:

The knob on the right was the aggressor!

So.. like.. how long do you think THAT’S going to take to get fixed? I was going to say NEVER but that’s just being too optimistic for me!!

So after all that.. we were sitting down to dinner.

Awhile ago, someone had given us a wood table with ceramic tile inlets. At the time, I didn’t realize just how destructive these kids were and figured it was sturdy enough to hold us over until we could get the dining room set I wanted.

WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

Putting anything even REMOTELY breakable near these kids just means that it will be broken and over the course of two years, the tiles got cracked and the underneath part had to be reinforced.

I will eternally bow to the plastic table cloth gods.

So last night.. as we’re sitting to dinner.. Spaz who doesn’t know or understand or contemplate the word PATIENCE.. sits at his seat on the side of the table but apparently, the table had been moved closer to the window so he couldn’t squeeze his 11 year old size 34 waist in his seat.

So he pushed.

Hard.

Which.. yknow.. wouldn’t really be any drama but we’re GHETTO .. remember? Meaning that when the rugs were pulled up and the kids were given the responsibility of pulling out all the staples through out the floor they didn’t get them all.

We usually find the ones they missed when we step on them with bare feet and rid 5 of the 7 layers of skin off.

But anyway.. I guess there was one that was still stuck in there. Wait. No guessing about it.. there WAS still one left.. the one that decided to stand up for himself and all the other staples that had been mercilessly pulled out and thrown away..

And that one little staple that was probably manufactured by an ancestor of the dude who stood up to the tanks in Tiananmen Square   in China.. stood up to that table and held it’s ground.

Resulting in this:

We heard this cracking.. crunching sound. Chief’s face turned white and when I moved the table cloth and saw that I just quietly grabbed my plate of home made stromboli and without a work, went into my bedroom.

Chief followed me in and before he even got a word out, I said “.. if you’re not going to fix it then throw it out and they can eat on the floor for all I care”

Nothing was said about it the rest of the night.

But then.. that’s how things usually roll.