Knock.. Knock… Guess Who’s Back!!!

… and boy has it been a while!!

So where do I begin? I guess I should start with where I’m at now and work back to how I got here and if that in itself isn’t a testament to what faith does for one, then honestly I don’t know what would.

Ok.

RIGHT NOW:

We moved into a new house this weekend. Same area but better town. This is the kind of place we were looking all over Pennsyl-tuckey and West Virginia to find. Small secluded house.. wood burning fireplace.. long drive way.. large, fenced in yard.. way cheaper rent.

It looks bigger on Google Earth but this kind of gives you a rough idea:

Red Line = the entire property

Blue Line = the house (front porch, enclosed back porch and florida room)

Yellow Line = the driveway

Green Line = the in-ground pool and deck

Now don’t let the green eyed monster start to attack. We’ve been going through hell and high water since April and after a lot.. and I mean A LOT of prayer.. this place kind of fell in our laps.

The owner is moving to another state to be near her daughter and turns out that she wasn’t going to be able to take her dog with her. And like our prayer was answered when we found her house, HER prayers were answered when we told her we’d keep her dog .. a beautiful lab/setter/coon hound mix who is so laid back, gentle and quiet you don’t even know he’s around. Pics of him to come later.

BACK THEN:

If you read the last few posts you know that I was having issues with powers that be in the old town we lived in. I realize now that there issue wasn’t so much that we had had a generator but that we were sustaining on our own. We didn’t need anyone and weren’t looking for hand outs and that bothered them.

When we couldn’t have the generator anymore, we started using car batteries for electricity. I know how that sounds and I’ll have to elaborate at a later time but basically we had car batteries that kept our lives fairly normal.

NOTE: Fairly normal meaning fairly normal for us. We are SO not traditionally normal!!

We had internet.. could charge the laptop, cell phone, ipods, etc.. we even watched tv although not for long stretches. We had light via rechargable camping lanterns or oil lamps.. cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner on a camping stove and took hot showers daily by using propane. We food shopped daily and what we could store for short periods, we did so using coolers.

And look.. yes, it was frustrating at times especially during the summer when the heat index hit 104.. but we cooled the house down the old fashioned way and used 12v fans connected to car batteries at night and on those days when we thought the dogs health was in jeopardy, we got a hotel room and snuck them in for the night.

But it is one thing to try and stay cool during the summer and another to keep warm during the winter. We knew we would have to move before the cold weather started and thanks to God, we were able to.

Now we have electricity and I can’t begin to tell you the joy of buying a gallon of milk again.. or frozen vegetables!!

The whole electricity issue wasn’t the only reason why we moved.. the house we were in was literally falling apart. The roof has so many leaks.. the basement still floods.. and the landlord still isn’t doing anything about it. Mind you, we were paying 1400.00 a month and the junkies in the ghetto were living better. So yea.. time to move on.

A few other things going on with the usual suspects:

Chief has some kind of health thing going on. He was hospitalized for a week over Memorial Day weekend but after every single test known to man, they couldn’t find out what was wrong with him. He’s still having issues and was back in the ER yesterday morning in more pain then I’ve ever seen him in. Luckily.. if there is such a thing.. it was only a kidney stone trying to pass through his system. I’ll save the whole “size” jokes until after he feels a little better.

Spaz shot up a few inches and isn’t shaped like a beach ball any longer. He turned 13 over the summer and seems to have matured a little. That or he’s away from the influence of his two older brothers. I have to say that he did take not having electricity better then I thought he would. He got frustrated at times.. but we all did. He likes the new house and so far he’s been diligent on keeping his room clean and not leaving dishes in the sink. Ok.. so we’ve only been here TWO days. I can be delusional, can’t I?

Haven’t seen or heard anything from Bubba since he walked out of the house back in February because he didn’t want to go back to school. Nothing. Not a word, song or dance. Father’s day came and went.. Chief’s birthday came and went.. nada. Funny thing is about 2 weeks before Chief went into the hospital, the Crack Whore told him Bubba would have to come back and live at Chateau Ghetto for a while because she *cough cough* had to move into her pimp’s boyfriend’s mother’s house and there was no room for him.

Heh. Yea. That was NOT going to happen.

I basically told Chief that I wasn’t going to stand in the way BUT I reminded him of everything Bubba did and I was not going to be housed under the same roof as him. I’d gladly go stay at Cousin Bird’s for the duration. I wasn’t being manipulative. I was being honest.

Just so happened that Chief was in the hospital when she was beating her rent and moving into Momma Pimps’ house and I oh so gladly snipped that little plan. And, of course, the first time the boyfriend flexed his pimp hand all the text messages started about how Bubba needed to stay at our place.. he was homeless.. blah blah blah. The reality was that the Crack Whore’s parents would have gladly taken her and Bubba in but they required her to NOT run the streets and stay home and parent her son.

Heh. Yea. Right.

Of course I know that all her over-elaborated stories were just figments of a drug riddled mind and Bubba stayed out of my house.

Weed is another story all together.

After completely disrespecting me and his father at one of my family member’s July 4th BBQ’s, Chief finally kicked him to the curb for good. Guess being called a fucking cock sucker in front of people he admired and respected was Chief’s breaking point. So Weed slithered back to the crack den he had been staying when he previously disappeared for weeks at a time and about a month after that called Chief’s twin brother Sarge asking if he can stay there.  Sarge agreed. Mainly because he always tries to shove in Chief’s face that he can provide better for his kids then Chief can.

Sarge has NO clue.

The day after.. or maybe two days after Weed went to live with him.. we were at an engagement party where Sarge and his wife showed up. She brought up the fact that Weed called them for help and I gave her the whole entire lowdown. Not the sob story she had been told. Her eyes got a little wider and you could see the wheels spinning but she’s too self absorbed being righteous to admit they had made a mistake. She insisted they were going to make him get a job. Yea. Good luck on that.

But Weed, being Weed, it didn’t take long for him to find himself back in the pokey for stealing a lipstick from a local drug store chain. In fact, the Crack Whore (ever the optimist .. snort.. ) remarked that it was “only” lipstick and he was just trying to impress his girlfriend.

Considering that the girlfriend also resides in the town we just moved out of, I’m assuming she would not have been impressed had Weed had a job and actually BOUGHT her lipstick.

At any rate.. no one posted the 500.00 bail and he spent a month in county jail. He’s out now, camped out on the Crack Whore’s sofa until the next time he gets arrested.

In better news.. I was finally able to find a job in May. The company I work for is BEYOND awesome. It’s doing what I’ve done before and I kicked ass from day one. The pay is great.. the bonus’ are awesome and I couldn’t be happier. Except .. it’s me we’re talking about here.. I just found out last week that the company was sold to a bigger company based down south so I may not have a job again.

Sucks. I know. I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights I’ve had. Well… yes I can.. every damn night since I found out.

What else?

Oh.

OMG!

How could I forget!!

We finally got our RV back from where we left her in West Virginia in January. Not that it was any easier getting her back here. We drove out there on a Friday and reached her at around 3am. Nobody touched her.. she started right up.. and no four legged creatures had made her it’s home. She did have more water damage from sitting in the snow and rain but we were able to catch a few hours sleep. About 20 miles into the ride to the campsite we were going to stay over at, the brakes seized and she wound up having to go to a mechanic. Very long story short for right now. We left her.. spent the night in a cabin at the campsite anyway and returned the 7 hours to our end of Pennsylvania on Sunday… only to do the whole trip over again the following weekend.

The first time we took the RV west, we drove through two blizzards. This time driving her east, we traveled through 3 torrential thunderstorms.

And you wonder why my hair is grey?

But now she’s parked safely in a storage yard around the corner from our house so all is good for her.

We also added an additional to the existing zoo that lives under our roof. Back in May, Al the cat we thought was a boy that turned out to be a girl became a woman when she had kittens. Six to be exact. We wound up keeping one, named Retard, because if you watched her you’d know that she just fits right in with this dysfunctional family! She is adorable though. Pics of her coming along with a Pages update.

So that’s what’s been going on here.. I apologize for skipping out for a while but it was unavoidable.. Now that I’m back to living like a normal person, I’ll be posting more..

What have y’all been up to and catch me up on things I’ve missed!!

Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy Lives THE Life

My little baby boy isn’t a baby anymore!

Ernie turned 3 on December 26th so he’s no longer a puppy but he IS still a terrorist.. especially when it comes to my pillows or anything with stuffing.

But he’s very much Mommy’s baby..

In fact, the only thing I have to say is “… whoooo’s thhheee BAAAAYYYbeeee” and he jumps up in my arms, throws himself backwards like he’s an infant.

Doesn’t matter how rambunctious he is.. as soon as I say it BAM! And you can just hear his little cartoon voice saying, “.. I AM the Baby!! I AM!!”

Yes, we do have cartoon voices for our dogs.  Ernie’s is a high pitched little boy’s voice and Bella’s sounds like Queen Elizabeth. No lie. We’re weird.

I wasn’t in the market for another dog that day 3 January’s ago when I walked into the kitchen, half groggy, and Chief whispered “PUPPIES!” in my ear!

Yes! Yes! PUPPIES!! PUPPIES!! PUPPIES!!

It takes sooooo little to make me loose my mind!

Chief wanted Spaz to have a dog.. one that would be his best friend.. who would give him unconditional love.

That didn’t happen because Spaz didn’t want to put the time in to bond with Ernie. As soon as it became inconvenient, Spaz didn’t want anything to do with them. One reason why people should really think long and hard before getting a puppy. Hmph.

But Ernie wasn’t going to lack in the love department.. between ME the queen of dogs and Chief, who melts faster then butter in heat when it comes to the dogs, Ernie became well.. THE BAAAAYYYBBBBEEEE.

My fault.

I own it.

But look at that face!! How can you resist?

And yes, he’s a vocal, neurotic mess. But he’ll never have to worry about some one else trying to understand him and his language.

Because make no mistake.. this dog TALKS.

He also HAS to sleep under the covers. He’s never figured out that he can’t get under the covers when he stands on them.. but that’s when he gets obnoxious and tells us that he wants under.

And then does the 3 turn ritual before finally laying down behind the crook of either of our knees. Waits 5 minutes and then crawls out because he’s hot. This goes on about 4 or 5 times before Chief yells at him and he dives under the bed with his ears back.

Why am I posting about Ernie?

Sleep deprivation?

Lack of caffeine?

Boredom?

All of the above?

LOL .. I have no idea. He’s such a cuddle monkey that when he came in from the freezing rain he couldn’t wait to get all warm and cozy next to Mommy.

And just so you know…

I’m not one of those in people that think their dogs are kids. I’m fully aware that my dogs are dogs and treat them like dogs… I don’t put clothes on them.. don’t put bows in their hair or paint their nails.

But they have my heart..

We think that the reason why Ernie is SO OBNOXIOUSLY attached is because he was taken from his mama too young.. make sense.. he was sort of like a duckling imprinting on the first thing he sees.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.. because Ernie (and Bella!!) are to me what he was suppose to be for Spaz.

An ear to vent to.. cuddles for comfort.. company when lonely.. and goofy giggles.

Two days before Christmas, Ernie and Bella got out of the house while me and Chief were food shopping.

The front door hadn’t been closed properly and when the high winds blew open the screen door, the front door opened also.

Ernie, being Ernie darted out.

Bella, being Bella, followed.

We didn’t know how long they were missing and had no clue which direction they went.

I was literally heart sick for two very different reasons.

Bella is old.. almost 15 and gimpy. She wouldn’t be able to get far physically but I was worried that trying to keep up with Ernie she would collapse.. maybe get hit by a car.. or the trolley .. or have a heart attack.

Ernie, being young and spy could have been in Oregon for all I knew.

The fear was crippling.. I understand how parents feel when their kid doesn’t come home. We literally ran all over the town looking for them.

Spaz finally found them, literally across the street in the cemetery. When I got the call that they were home, I sat on the one of the neighborhood curbs and thanked God with everything I had in me.

And I have absolutely no clue why I’m going into all this.. exhaustion I guess.. and maybe because both dogs are loudly snoring next to my bed and it’s the most comforting sound.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle DumbAss Go To Washington!

You guys may need to grab a pot of coffee or energy bar or something because this might be a long one!!

So back in February when I booked our hotel, I thought that the rally was going to start late morning and finish in the early afternoon .. or I thought it was going to be an all day thing.. or I thought something. I don’t actually remember because it was back in February but I KNOW I didn’t KNOW that the rally was only from 10am to 1pm..

I also didn’t know THEN that Chief wanted to leave on Friday night after I close the shop.

He’s worse then a kid at Christmas because when he gets excited about something his tail wags worse then a puppy’s.

There was no living with him if we didn’t drive down Friday night so fine.. it didn’t matter that we didn’t have a room for Friday and even if there happened to be one little room available ( which there wasn’t ) we wouldn’t have been able to afford it anyway.. But being the industrious man that he is *cough* he figured we would just pack a cooler and sleep in the back of the wagon.

Not as bad as it sounds.. We’ve done that before when we used to do flea markets so ok. I was down with that. It’s an adventure right? A one in a lifetime kinda thing? RIGHT???

So he packs a cooler with waters and juices and stuff to eat and snack on and is bouncy off the walls to CAN. WE. JUST. GET. GOING. ALREADY??? so much so that we forgot his better sneakers and my other sandals and a few other things that really did turn out to be minor but we did remember the toilet paper!!

We had been scrambling all day so you know.. we forgot to eat again and wound up driving through McDonald’s at around 8pm and then we were on our way to DC.

One thing I should tell you about Chief .. you know that saying WWJD? What Would Jesus Do? Yea.. well.. I say WWCS .. What Would Chief Spend? .. because he doesn’t like  paying one penny more then what he thinks something is worth. It’s a pain in the ass for someone who is just like “… just pay it already!!!!”

That would be me.

So when setting the TomTom, there is a question that comes up asking if you want to avoid toll roads. It’s preset to AVOID TOLL ROADS because the cheap son of a bitch I’m married too can’t part with the 15 cent or 40 cent or OH! MY! GOD! NOT 1.10!!!!!! to get on and off the turnpike!

I really DON’T  mind most times because MOST times I’m not driving at night. I hate driving anywhere at night where I’m not familiar because things look differently at night and I don’t see that well. Nice, right?

The first time we got off 95 it wasn’t so bad. We were basically put on a pike that was well lit and I only had two turns to make before getting back on the highway.

But the second time… OMG.. the SECOND time had us driving thru some of the seediest sections of Baltimore late on a Friday night. Now, I’m from Philly originally so there are very few things that will make my chin hit my knees but let me tell you.. yea.. I got re-educated!!

Next time I’m definitely digging under the seat for change to stay on the highway!!

We’re only not even 3 hours outside of Washington so the idea (I refuse to say plan) was to get there around 11, find a place to park the car.. sleep for a few hours.. eat something and then head to The Mall for the rally. Even with the little detour we were on target but that what? Where were we going to park? The hotel we had reservations at charged 42.00 to park even IF you were a guest so that left that out and EVERYTHING in DC is grossly expensive.

Chief wanted to just park on the street but I told him he was out of his fucking mind because there was NO WAY in HELL that I was going to sleep in the car on a street in another city where I didn’t know if it was legal or not.. just wasn’t going to happen. So we drove around and drove around and drove around until we finally found a parking garage that was not only OPEN but had a sign that said $10 Flat Rate.

So we drive in and guess what?

It was an UNDERGROUND parking garage.. I’m thinking it was definitely the third level of Dante’s Inferno because it was soooo freakin’ hot so add that to the exhaustion setting in and it wasn’t a good recipe. So Chief suggests we take a walk down to The Mall.. check things out and maybe find an open air garage where we can move the car to.

I should have known then that he wouldn’t waste the 10 bucks he paid for parking .. but I really wasn’t thinking.. so I set the TomTom to take us to the Lincoln Memorial. One thing that I didn’t consider… the route that popped up was the route we would need to DRIVE to get to the Memorial.. not WALK.

The red arrow is where we were parked.. the blue line is the route we took to get to the Mall. Go ahead. Call us idiots! We deserve it!!

By the time we get to the Memorial we were exhausted and our feet were KILLING us. Neither of us had proper shoes because.. oh.. um.. Tweedle DumbAss couldn’t WAIT to get on the road!!! We plopped ourselves under a tree with the intent of getting some winks. There were maybe about 500 people already there.. WAY more prepared then we were. They  had blankets and pillows and coolers and flashlights and entertainment and coffee!!

We just had a bottle of water and my handbag!!!

I ask Chief if he wants to walk back and get out cooler and stuff and he looked at me like I was NUTS. His feet had started to get really bad blisters.. my feet were feeling the walk too but at least my sneakers were a little bit better then his shoes.

Trying to do ANYTHING even resembling a nap was impossible. Personally, I can’t lay out on grass without thinking of that cable “Monsters Within” and being petrified of Bot Flies laying eggs in my ears. Impossible, I know but did you ever SEE that show??

Chief didn’t have any problems falling asleep but he gave me implicit instructions to wake him up as soon as he started snoring. Which he did.. in the first five minutes.. and every five minutes after he fell back asleep so that was usless.

After a while, a guy named George from California joined us. He came by himself, leaving his wife and kids in Cali because it wasn’t financially possible for them all to come. He was almost as bad off as we were but at least he had the good sense to bring an umbrella!! So we talked and shared and laughed and then we were joined by three ladies from Boston.

THEY were prepared. They had blankets and a cooler and again, we talked and shared and laughed.

Then the four woman from Ohio came.. and then the people from Delaware and Central PA. It was like having a family reunion with strangers.. only they didn’t feel like strangers. Everyone shared what they had with each other and someone even gave us their extra beach blanket to sit on.

Around 4am, we were DYING from caffeine withdrawal. If anything, y’all should know by now that me and Chief ALWAYS have a cup of coffee in our hands and the last cup we had had was like.. six hours prior. So George from Cali pulled out his iphone and used an App to find the nearest Dunkin’ Dounts.

According to his iPhone, the DD was less then a mile away and should only take about 15 minutes to get there.

Oh!! No fucking sweat!!!

Chief was reluctant to go because his feet were hurting so much.. you KNOW the man is hurting if he doI wesn’t want to go for coffee. I told him that I would go on my own.. it wasn’t that far and who cares if it was 4am.. there were so many people milling around the streets of DC that I didn’t think it was an issue. George from Cali didn’t want me to go by myself either but I was like, Please!! I’m from South Philly!!!

In the end, Chief came with. I’m still not sure if he was worried about me OR about getting a hot cup of coffee. I studied George’s iPhone map and knew exactly where we needed to go. Easy, right?

Um..

Have I introduced myself to you yet??

The Black Arrow is where Dunkin Donut's was SUPPOSE to be.. the Star? That's were a vending truck was. The purple path is what we walked going TO and the purple path is coming back

We walked WELL past where the Dunkin’ Donuts was pinned on the iPhone map and nothing.. we walked further.. nothing.. we asked security guards and other people.. NOTHING!!

When we first passed the vending truck, Chief wanted to get coffee there but I was like “… NOOOOOOO!!! I want a CHEDDAR BAGEL TWIST!!!” and so this man who loves me forged ahead on broken feet while I trailed behind swearing that my ass better raise 2 inches with all this uphill walking.

When we figured out that the damn iPhone app was wrong, we made our way back but took another street hoping that maybe the pin had been in the wrong place and we would see the purple and orange glow of their sign.

Nothing.

So we made our way back to the vending truck.. which was deserted when we first passed.. to find a line wrapped half way around the corner.

So we waited and got four cups of coffee ( literally the size of a demi cup).. 2 soft pretzels (which were so hot that it made you believe that they were fresh until you unwrapped the tin foil that was literally STUCK to it and found that they weren’t fresh.. they were stale and just stuck on a steam table to keep them soft until the unsuspecting customer bought it and let the air hit it. I may have broken a tooth trying to gnaw away at it.) .. and 1 skinny grey thing that they SWORE was a hotdog.

Total was 17.50

I kid you not.

We made it back to our spot through hoards of people screaming WHERE DID YOU GET COFFEE?????????????? and settled back in with our new found family.

When I tell you EVERYBODY was friendly… EVERYBODY was polite.. people were sincerely interested in each other.. where they were from.. what they did for a living.. what brought us all here. It was nothing short of amazing.

If you were there, then you know the feeling.. the vibe.. the spirit.. or whatever it is you want to call it that seemed to just hover in the air. I really have no words to describe it.

The people who took buses in started arriving around 7 and they kept on coming.. and coming.. and coming.. we literally watched the whole mall fill up as far as we could see.

By the time the rally started at 10, you could forget about your squatting rights. There was just way too many people with no where to go. And even when our little area became standing room only .. there was no way you could plop on the grass anymore.. and the sun started heating everyone.. people were still mindful of who was standing around them.

One older guy broke through our little group complaining that he felt like he was going to faint. He must have been in his early 80’s. He was there with his daughter who looked to be in her 60’s and she was in a virtual panic. Bottles of water came out from every direction.. someone offered him their lawn chair.. a young guy came through saying that he was studying to be a nurse and how could he help. No one was obnoxious.. no one pushed back.. no one was annoyed even though the rally had already started and people were straining their necks to see the stage or the jumbo-trons.

The speakers were amazing… the message was inspiring.. and even though I’m not going to go into the whole Martin Luther King, Jr. controversy here, I can tell you from someone who was in the thick of it.. that there was nothing said other then committing ourselves to the core principals of Faith, Hope and Charity.

After it was over, people started to leave and believe me.. if you’ve ever left a sports stadium after a game.. imagine that crowd times 10. But there was no pushing or rushing or shoving. Everybody just.. well.. walked.

Our adrenaline started to deplete.. coupled with sore feet, aching bodies, exhaustion, no food or anything to drink. We felt like shit! But we couldn’t do anything walk (again) to find the garage where our car was.

Do you know who Quasimoto is? The Hunchback of Notre Dame?

That was us.

No lie.

All we needed to do was start yelling SANCTUARY!!! as we walked. We looked like two broken down cowboy hunchbacks after a really bad rodeo.

And of course.. we couldn’t figure out how to get to the damn garage.. because if Washington is anything it’s badly planned!! LOL!!

The path we took to get back to the damn parking garage!

So we walked.. and walked.. and walked.. and walked.

And we walked some more.

I think we only stopped once.. across the street from the White House’s Rose Garden but it wasn’t because we wanted to SEE it.. we just didn’t want to collapse in front of it!!

But starting to walk again only made our feet feel worse so we plugged on and on and on until I saw the blinding glow of the Golden Arches.

I told Chief we should go into McDonald’s and ask them for directions. He said he didn’t realize how hungry he was until I pointeen d out the Mickey Dee’s. So we dragged ourselves in.. ordered food.. and then had to CLIMB A FLIGHT OF STAIRS to the seating area. The looks on our faces when we found that our were probably priceless.

But we forged through and sat.. taking off our shoes so that our feet could rest on the cold ceramic tile.

OMG I know what heaven is now!!!

We finished eating and still had about 8 or 9 long.. long.. LONG blocks to go.

Finally we made it to the car and if you ever hear me make fun of my wagon again, please knock me upside the head!! We sat in the wagon and just melted.

But the journey isn’t over yet.. because NOW we had to drive to the hotel which was about 8 blocks away ( actually it was ohsoclose to the McDonald’s we were at ) and before Chief could even THINK about the 42 bucks to park at the hotel, I told him that there was no way in God’s green earth that I was walking anywhere other then to an elevator.

He had the good sense not to argue.

So we got to the hotel and checked in.. made our way up to the room which had a bed that was made from a cloud.

No.. in all seriousness, it was a really nice room with really, REALLY good sheets and pillows and feather top mattress.

He just peeled off his clothes and fell out.. I wanted to take a shower first but then I did the same damn thing.

I don’t remember anything until about midnight when I woke up to Chief staring at me. “.. I’m hungry” he said jumping up and down like a freakin’ monkey in a cage.

My WTF???? expression made him tell me that it was a hotel room bed so of course you had to jump around on it like a freakin’ monkey in a cage.

I was hungry too.

All the sandwiches, potato salad and lunch meat we had brought didn’t hold up to being in the trunk of a hot car in the basement of a parking garage over night and the one bag of potato chips and Welch’s White Grape Peach bottle wasn’t going to cut it. It was too late for room service and neither of us could even dream of walking anywhere so what to do? Go back to sleep, of course.

One thing I need to mention here is that we stayed at the Capital Hilton. I made the reservation and paid for the room via Obitz so I really didn’t know what I was getting into. First of all.. there was no free WiFi. They charged 15.99 a night to access it. Everything on their menu was OBSCENELY priced. Like.. 9.75 for a bowl of oatmeal. 22.00 for a hamburger. 7.50 for a cup of coffee. I hadn’t realized that this was a dignitary hotel and that generally the people that stay there could care less how much anything was. Plus, it was an international menu.

So back to sleep we went and when we got up the next morning, we decided that it was just better off checking out then waiting.. hungry.. until noon. I did.. at one point.. BEG Chief to order room service because I was beyond starving but even I couldn’t justify spending that much money on something that we weren’t even going to be able to split.

So at 8am we checked out and made our way home.. finding yet another McDonald’s where we had breakfast.

I swear I have NEVER eaten McDonald’s so much in my  life!!!

Because it was early.. we had nothing but time in front of us so we made our way back ( again detouring through the seedier side of Baltimore and even continuing the tradition of turning the wrong way down a one way street because of the TomTom ).. we stopped at a fantastic reststop on I95 that was  ( and had bad coffee ) .. found an unbelievable flea market in Nottingham, PA that was in an old barn and had really neat stuff.. we drove the back roads through Maryland.. over the Conowingo Dam.. may have found a place to move to in Darlington.. wondered at Havre De Grace.. checked out used RVs ( come on.. you have to agree that we need one! ) .. drove through a covered bridge and wound up spending a few hours sitting on a rock and hanging our feet in Brandywine Creek watching people drift by on inner tubes with their dogs swimming along side of them.

We finally made it home feeling that after not really doing anything this summer.. doing EVERYTHING.

It was probably the best weekend I’ve had in a long time.. even with the blisters and aches and everything else doing all that with my best friend was awesome.

WARNING: I’m Going On A Major Rant Here

.. I say this because the last time I went on a rant about I vented about my douchebag husband and his blobs of DNA swamp pool spawn, I got a finger wagging and a  lecture from some one :: sorry, Dude.. don’t remember your name and really don’t feel like looking it up :: who said that I was “having a bad day” and taking it out on Chief .. that I was “.. beating him up over his kids” .. that I “.. beat him up for not have good parents” and that I don’t talk to him in the manner I should.

No.. this isn't me. Although I think she might be pretty cute if she wasn't so frustrated!!

So Mr. Why-Don’t-Read-Delve-Alittle-Further-Before-Berating-Me .. you might not want to read any further.

Ok.

So lets back up to last night.

All day yesterday I’ve been chest issues. There was a pain in the center of my chest and it felt like I was having a hard time breathing. It may just be the after math of jumping over the counter last week because believe me.. there’s been aches and pains in places where I haven’t had aches and pains before. Remember.. I’m not as young as I used to be!

So the big question of the day was what were we going to have for dinner. It’s ALWAYS the big question of the day but since it’s been soooo fucking hot and humid where I live, I wasn’t looking forward to turning on the oven or standing in front of the stove. So he decided we’d hit a drive through.

After we closed the store and got into the car, it NOW became the debate of WHICH drive through to go to. I told him I didn’t care because I really didn’t feel like eating anyway.

He HATES when I don’t eat. HATES IT. Like.. he’s my grandmother reincarnated. I told him that I really didn’t feel good.. really shouldn’t even have been driving and just wanted to go home and go to sleep. He asked me if I wanted to go to the doctors, to which I replied he could make an appointment for me when I’m dead.

The usual banter.

So we wound up at Burger King and after ordering value meals for them, I decided to just get a mini burger in case I got hungry later. I hadn’t eaten anything all day and figured that once I wake up feeling better I may have an appetite. So we get everything and we get home and as soon as  I come through the back door and see all the crap in the sink and all the stuff left out on the counters when it should have been in the fridge and all the crumbs and the over flowing trash can.. I walk into the dining room where Bubba was on the computer and Spaz was on the couch and said, “… nobody’s eating until the kitchen it cleaned the way it’s suppose to be.”

Chief was like, “.. yea! What’s this about? Get off your asses and clean up your mess! How many times have I told you to pick up after yourselves…” blah blah blah blah blah.

So Bubba get up and goes into the kitchen and Spaz comes running up to me saying that he told Bubba to do his dishes.. blah blah blah blah blah.

We finally sit at the table..

Wait.

Back up..

Earlier when I doing Weed’s laundry, Bubba had gotten up at 4pm and immediately him and Spaz started arguing over the computer. It was a good thing that I had to bring Weed his clothes then or else I think I would have knifed them both.

Not pretty. But real, none the less.

So when we got back to the house, I figured since both of them were home that Chief needed to address the fighting over the computer issue which is why I sat at the table instead of going to bed.

I should have went to bed.

Trust on that.

We’re sitting there and after Chief asks me why I only got a mini burger and after me telling him because my chest really, really hurts.. I say, “.. we need to have a conversation about the computer and all the fighting that’s going on about because truthfully, I can’t take it anymore.”

Chief was like, “.. yea.. no body is allowed on the computer for more then two hours at a time.”

And then Bubba said something about not liking mayo or steak sauce or something and Spaz said that he liked mayo and Chief just went right down that road discussing the pros and cons of various condiments.

So yea.. nothing accomplished there.

I got done eating half a mini burger.. gave the other half to the dogs.. and when I went into the bedroom I had forgotten that I had started sorting the our laundry earlier. So I got up.. went down the basement.. got the extra laundry hamper.. came back upstairs.. put the whites in one and the darks in the other..

Chief asked me if I was doing laundry now and I told him.. no, my chest is hurting.

As I dragged the hampers out into the dining room, Bubba was playing with Ernie the Terrorist Puppy and he asked me if I saw the sore on his back. When I went to look, I saw what  must have been four or five fleas.

Now I had given both dogs flea baths and used Frontline on them not even a month ago so I was a little put off about that. But seeing the sore on the dogs back, I couldn’t not just let that go.

So I tell Chief that the dogs are going to have to be bathed. He said he would take the out so that Ernie would be on the leash since I had to wash them in the tub and there was NO. WAY. IN. HELL. that Ernie was getting anywhere NEAR the tub.. he dives under the bed whenever you pick up a spray bottle.

Any spray bottle.

So while he’s outside with the dogs, I get the spray thing for the tub faucet and the flea stuff and the towel. He brings Ernie into the bathroom, I lift him up into the tub and start shampooing him. Chief says he’ll be right back and hands me the leash.

Now.. what the FUCK am I suppose to do with that? My hands are all soapy and sudsy and I can’t continue to wash him and told the leash at the same time so I call for Spaz and tell him to hold the leash.

Spaz is talking a mile a minute asking asinine question after asinine question and answering them himself.

I just drowned him out and continued doing what I was doing. But when I finished, my back was killing me .. my chest was hurting more and I knew that there was NO way in hell that I was going to be able to wash Bella in the tub. She’s too big a gal and I wasn’t going to be able to lift her in.. lift her out.. OR manage washing everything on her that needed to be washed.

She’s like a baby seal.

So after Ernie is all finished and running around the house like the Crack Whore on speed, I go into the bedroom and there’s Chief, sitting on the bed playing on the PS3.

You’re kidding me, right?

That important?

Ok.

So I tell him that I’m going to have to wash Bella outside in the kiddie pool because I can’t lift her into the tub.

No response.

I say it again.. no response.

Mind you, I’m about two feet away from him.

Mind you, he played PS3 ALL. FUCKING. DAY at the store.

So finally  I was like CHIEF!!!!!!!!!!!

He was like, “.. oh. I’m sorry. What did you say?”

So I told him again and he was like, “ok.”

So I was like, “… you going to help me or what?”

“… oh yea.. yea.. I’ll help you. Just get everything ready.”

I bit my tongue and went down the basement.. connected the hose to the laundry tub sink.. ran the house up the steps and outside.. got the kiddie pool set up.. get the towel .. got the shampoo.. got BELLA.. and waited.

And waited.

While I was waiting, I checked Bella for fleas and OMG did she have them. She has a really, really think undercoat and long Lassie-like hair that I cut back when it gets warm. There always one spot on the back right about her tail that is always balding so when I checked her and saw soooo many fleas, I was literally at a loss. Meanwhile, the mosquitos started hitting so I go in the house and went into the bedroom to see what’s holding Chief up and he’s STILL playing PS3 AND he even started another 10 minutes round.

I was like, “… what are you doing?”

He said, “.. I’m just playing this match”

I said, “.. you were just playing a match before when I came in”

He said, “.. I know but it sucked so I started another one.”

And then he called for Spaz to help me because.. yknow.. playing Call of Duty is SO MUCH MORE important then helping me, right?

Silly fool I am.

So me and Spaz are outside and I’m trying to direct him in actually helping me but he just wants to play with the hose. I literally go in the pool with the dog and sat in the water in order to do what I had to do to get the fleas off her. And then he slapped a mosquito off his leg and said, “.. ok. I’m going in.” and left.

Now.. not only is my chest hurting but add on top of it the frustration.. the anger.. and all the other rainbow of emotions that were going on and I was literally  just on the verge of a breakdown.

I finally get the dog washed and dried off.. go back into the house.. put the hose away.. put the clothes that had been in the washer in the dryer.. put all the dog stuff away.. wash the glasses and utensils that were STILL in the sink :: because LORD KNOWS when you say “.. do the dishes” they only DO THE DISHES :: .. clean up the shit that was still on the dining room table.. go into the bedroom where Chief finally turned off the PS3 but was all engrossed in Bill O’Reilly… changed out of my wet clothes.. then went into the bathroom and scrubbed the tub.

When I was finished.. I went back in the bedroom and said to him, ”.. yknow if I didn’t do anything because it was hard.. or boring.. or because I just don’t want to do it, nothing in this fucking house would get done”

HE said, “.. what did Spaz not help you?”

And I said, “.. YOU didn’t help me. HE didn’t help me. NOBODY helps me’

And with that he clammed up with nothing to say.. put on the History Channel and I just got in bed went to sleep.

This morning he wakes me up at 630am because I have to drive Weed all the way back to the rehab place because he forgot to take home his wallet and GOD FORBID if he didn’t have his ID to buy booze. And I had to go early because.. omg! Can’t leave Chief out on a limb, right?

He goes out into the kitchen and I hear him say, ”.. you’re kidding, right? You’re kidding me, right?”

Because at 630am, Bubba was still up from the night before on the computer. I don’t know what Bubba said but Chief didn’t say anything else and as I got dressed and was walking out of the bedroom I reminded Chief that it was trash day. He takes the bag from the trash can and calls for Bubba.

Who doesn’t answer.

He YELLS for Bubba.

Who doesn’t answer.

He SCREAMS for Bubba .. who doesn’t answer because he has headphones on. Chief goes out into the dining room and tells Bubba to put a trash bag in the trashcan.

Now, I’m still hurting from last night. Emotionally more then anything so I’m not my usual giddy self and was thankful that I had to drive an hour or so up and back with Weed because I really didn’t want to be around Chief so much. But this afternoon, around 3, we’re sitting in the back of the store and Chief says to me, “.. I know you were upset last night but honestly, I started to not feel good around dinner.”

I just said, “.. I didn’t feel good either.”

He was like, “.. I’m sorry.” But not in the remorseful way.. more in the snarky way?

End of conversation.

Of course.

So I leave the store and have to stop at the supermarket to get something for dinner and when I got back.. a replay of what I found last night in the kitchen was before me.

Dishes.. crumbs.. butter left out.. you name it.

So I said something like, “.. you got to be fucking kidding me” and Spaz heard me and came into the kitchen trying to maneuver between me and the sink.

I asked him what he was doing and he was like, “.. oh, I want to help you.”

And I was like, “.. No. You’re not going to come in here at 5 o’clock to “help” me when you had all damn day to “help me” but you didn’t want to then so don’t think you’re going to do it now and act like you’re all great and wonderful because let me tell you Bucky, you’re not.”

I think I might have told him to just leave me alone.

And you know what? I don’t feel one little iota of guilt about it either.

He leaves but then comes back a few minutes later to tell me that the reason why he slept out in the living room was because HIS room is FULL OF FLEAS.

Really?

REALLY?

So I said, ‘.. how could YOUR room be filled with fleas when the dogs aren’t even IN your room but they SLEEP in my room.. SLEEP IN MY BED and OUR room ISN’T FULL OF FLEAS?”

He couldn’t answer that because it wasn’t true. Because if his room was full of fleas, he would have been yelling, screaming and hollaring the night before because he yells, screams and hollars about EVERYTHING that bothers him.

And while I’m washing the dishes and scrubbing the counter, Bubba comes in and says that their room IS full of fleas.. at least TEN.. and I told him the same thing AND asked him why he didn’t put the trash bag in the trash can like his father asked him to and he said he didn’t hear him.. he said that Chief told him to do the dishes and I wearily said, No.. he did not.. but even IF he did.. YOU STILL DIDN”T DO THE DISHES.

He walks out of the kitchen because there’s nothing he can say either and so I continue to clean their mess and when I got to the stove where there was dried up egg and melted cheese and bits of ham all over it AND the wall.. I went to move a pot that’s been sitting on the back burner with a little frying pan on top of it :: I have limited space for my pots and pans :: and..

And..

OH MY FUCKING GOD I ALMOST THREW THE FUCK UP.

Because in that pot that’s been sitting on the back burner for a few weeks because I haven’t been cooking the way I normally so because it’s been ungodly hot and humid .. was a ring of sausage that Chief started to cook a few Sundays ago. Apparently, he finished boiling it.. changed his mind on what he was going to do with it.. and put the little frying pan on top of it as a lid.. and forgot about it.

The STENCH alone was vomit inducing.

The maggots.. well, I won’t tell you what happened when I saw the maggots.

Yes. You read that right.

And believe me.. I am so mortally embarrassed to have to even write that. I am mortified that I have to tell ANY of this but THIS is what I’m dealing with.. THIS is what I have to put up with.. THIS is what Mr. Berate Me For Not Being More Sympathetic To The Douche Bag needs to know.

So I call Chief up.

“.. remember that sausage you made a while ago?”

“yea”

“.. do you know what happened to it?”

“um…. silence… silence.. silence.. oh.”

So I tell him that you thought not having a trash bag in the trash can like you told your son to do this morning is bad? You think all the dishes and shit on the counter is bad? Yea.. nothing compares to a pot full of maggots.

He kept saying “I’m sorry” and when I didn’t respond.. I mean, really.. how are you suppose to respond to that???? .. he was did the PLEADING Im sorry.

When I told him that I had to hang up and de-stench-ify the kitchen, he had the BALLS to ask what was for dinner.

I told him whatever I could cook that didn’t make me want to throw the fuck up in the process.

So right now I’m SO WAY BEYOND pissed and I know how I am when I get like this and I really should just get up and go out until he’s asleep because this is not going to be pretty.

At all.

I’m Suing The WPCA, SPCA, ASPCA and PETA for Emotional Extortion!

Ok.. I’m done.

I’m in bed with Chief snoring next to me.. Moan-ah at the foot of the bed.. and Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy doing his neurotic OMG I HAVE TO GET UNDER THE COVERS routine and doesn’t stop until he’s all wrapped up like a burrito.

The dog’s an idiot.

The internet is not offering anything stimulating so I figured I’ll turn on the tv because that will put me to sleep in like.. 5 minutes.

I switch the channel to Discover I.D. or something like that..

So I’m watching this show and then THE commercial comes on..

The sad music..

The voice over saying, “… she watched her mother get shot and now she lives in a wooden box.”

The video showing a baby monkey in a crate..

No! NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!

The voice over saying, “.. he watched his mother get beaten to death”

The video showing a baby bear cub.. patches of hair missing.. iron collar around his neck chained to a post..

The voice over saying, “.. now he gets beaten unless he dances”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I start humming out loud, desperately trying to find the remote that’s all twisted up in the Ernie burrito..

The voice overs keep coming, “.. she saw her sisters be drown” … “he saw his mother worked to death”..

And I’m afraid to even THINK about looking at the television screen because if there’s anything.. ANYTHING.. I’m a sucker for it’s animals and seeing pictures like that.. or hearing stories like that.. or even THINKING about things happening like that make me a big puddle of weepy jello ..

I go to jump out of bed and manually change the channel but I forgot Bella is sleeping on the floor next to the bed so when I put my feet on the floor, I accidentally step on her.. and of COURSE it would be on the side where she has really bad arthritis on her hip.. so she yelps and gets up and starts hobbling..

Now I’m devastated and I’m trying NOT to step on her again as I try to get around her and her black coat in a dark room when I catch a picture of the baby donkey with it’s front leg tied to it’s back leg trying to walk and then I just LOST IT.

LOST IT!

I start the whole silent sob thing because of what’s been lasered into my brain and because of hurting Bella and of course, I’m not really silent doing anything so it wakes Chief up.

He gets all panicky because I’m crying and he’s trying to get me to tell him what’s wrong and I can’t get the words out so all I can do it point at the tv and then he gets it.

Because if there is only one thing this man knows.. he knows how I am and how I get when animals are involved.

It’s the sole reason why I’m not allowed to name the fish.

So he does his whole boo-boo face “awwww” thing and while I’m crying on his shoulder about all the cruelty in the world he tells me I’m adorable and this.. THIS.. THIS COMPASSION is the reason why he loves me so much.

And here I thought it was my hot, rockin’ body!!

I start to get over myself and apologize for waking him up and he tells me it’s fine.. and then goes on this litany of why these organizations make these commercials just to get reactions like this from pathetic people like me.

ME: Um.. wait? I’m pathetic? Didn’t you just say I was adorable?

HIM: Well.. um.. your adorable BECAUSE you’re pathetic.

ME: You’re an asshole.

HIM: I know..

ME: Good night, honey.

HIM: ‘Night, baby.

‘Cause that’s just how we roll!