Quiet Time

I haven’t felt like posting lately …

No reason ..

Well.. there was an issue involving coffee and my laptop but that’s been fixed..

I’ve been trying to get my sleep schedule back to something relatively normal .. not that I’ve been successful but being on the laptop all night doesn’t help any ..

But anyway..

Nothing major is going on .. nothing major has changed .. just going with the flow and almost managing the damage!! LoL!!

The situation with Baby Faith is still the same .. the original lawyer said that getting custody of her was going to be an up hill battle but didn’t seem to want to fight the good fight .. so another lawyer has been approached.

Let me tell you something tho .. Faith is one sweet, sweet baby. Yesterday I babysat for her for a few hours and she’s such a sweetheart and I swear she was giggling at my feeble attempts to change her diaper!

There was also a minor issue with Chief’s twin brother Sarge.

I’m not particularly fond of him because I can see right through him. He isn’t interested because he’s interested, he’s interested to get gossip. He doesn’t do anything unless it gives him some kind of leverage. He also has to have the latest and greatest and biggest and better. It’s stupid. It’s pathetic.

He also lies. A lot. About nothing..

Last week, him and his wife went to see Baby Faith. They didn’t go because they were excited to have her in the family, they wanted to go because Bird posted Faith’s picture and a fairly cryptic message on Facebook. He wanted to leave almost as soon as he got there.

Anyway.. Sarge’s stepdaughter is getting married this summer. Something her mother is over the moon about because she never thought her daughter would get married. Not going to go into the reason why but if you saw her, you’d understand why her mother was so excited.

Before I go further.. let’s get a time line here.

Last time I saw the bride to be? Never. Never met her. Never met her fiance. Although we are “friends” on FB, she never responded to any message I ever sent her congratulating her on her engagement or the sympathy note I sent when her aunt died. Her fiance is actually very nice. We post back and forth on FB.

Last time I saw or spoke Sarge’s wife? Last Christmas. Not the 2010 Christmas.. the 2009 Christmas. BEFORE her daughter got engaged.  I did send her a message after I found out her sister in law had died and she did respond thanking me. That’s it.

Last time I saw Sarge? A few months ago.. way before we closed the shop. I did wish them a Merry Christmas and  Happy New Year but never got a response back.

So imagine my surprise when Sarge pulled out his violin and started whining to Bird that me and Chief were mad at him and he has no idea why we were mad at him..

So imagine my surprise when Bird tells me that while they were discussing the upcoming wedding and it dawns on Bird that they are getting married on my birthday. Sarge’s wife insists that I told her that I definitely confirmed that I was going to the wedding.

Now.. let me make something even clearer here..

Since I don’t know this girl.. and have never met her.. I wasn’t under the assumption that we were even going to get invited. What started out as the swanky dreams of a newly engaged bride to be who wanted THE best of everything turned into a reception in a fire hall so.. yknow.. who knew if we were going to get invited or not.

So for me to say that I was I definitely going was a lie. For me to say that to someone I haven’t spoken to in over a year is a lie.

And I don’t like liars.

Liars and Thieves.. two things I despise the most and he’s both.

So ..

I happen to tell Chief that we are going away that weekend for my birthday. He was fine with it.. he doesn’t like his brother anymore then I do .. I will still send something to the bride because it’s the only right thing to do and I would have gone to the wedding if I was invited .. but not after now.

Am I wrong?

Catching Up With The Crazies…!

.. so I’ve been gone a long time.

I mean.. a REALLY long time. And not for any reason. Well.. there was a reason but not a reason like, moving to the middle of Montana with no internet service.

I can blame it on my iPod Touch. I mean.. if you don’t have one, you may want to get one if you’d like to curl up in a ball and play endless hours of Tap Tap Revenge.

OR I can blame it on the fact that I had an opportunity to actually get paid to write. Like in money. Like the kind of money that you can actually spend :: well.. while it’s actually WORTH anything anyway :: and once that opportunity presented itself, I had no desire to write. Not even a check.. which, yknow, I’m not that fond of doing anyway. But yea.. I had an attack of self doubt which completely shut my brain down.

And then there’s that blasted family tree thing I’m doing.. which basically sapped up my brain cells.. time.. and desire to write. Sort of like replacing one addiction with another. Cuz, yknow.. my family’s hobby IS breeding and my over-achieving self had to do BOTH sides of my family at one time.

Honestly, I didn’t really think too much about it until Tosha @ THAT’S WHY left a comment on an old post asking if I was ok and it dawned on me that I miss you guys.. and I miss writing.. and I miss throwing all my shit out there for the world to see… read.. whatever.

So here I am.. sitting on my bed with the good ol’ laptop.. after having to clean up all the wrappers and crumbs from three boxes of cupcakes that the dogs plowed through while I was at work :: I know two little dogs that are going to have the major runs tonight :: bringing everything up to speed.

So the highlights:

VALENTINE’S DAY

We were still dealing with tons of snow and winter weather but on Valentine’s morning, Chief got up early.. walked.. like in putting one foot in front of the other.. roughly three miles THROUGH THE THIGH DEEP SNOW and bought me flowers.. a bag full of SweetTarts and a locket.

Definitely an AWWWWWW!!! moment.

INTERNERNATIONAL FOOD SHOW

On The Way To NYC Via The NJT

On Feb 28, the two morons :: that being me and Chief :: decided to take Manhattan and attend the International Food Show at the Javits Convention Center… an industry thing with a lot of vendors and products and samples.

Gotta love the samples!

It wasn’t so much a LAST minute decision because we had registered like, a month and a half before but because of the weather and because the wagon was inspected and registered :: still isn’t :: and the van was having transmission problems :: still is :: I wasn’t really that confident in getting there and back without incident.

‘Cause.. yknow.. whenever WE do ANYTHING, there’s “incidents”.

International Food Show

But armed with Chief’s confidence that he can fix anything that went wrong with the van, we made our way up the New Jersey Turnpike armed with coffee and a Tom Tom.

Did I tell you the story about the Tom Tom .. how I don’t like them.. don’t trust them.. and didn’t want one but got one for Christmas because Chief wanted one? Yea.. well.. let me tell you something about that fucking Tom Tom. First of all, you can’t help but argue with it when you actually do know where you’re going and it tells you to go in a different direction. But the worse.. is when you DON’T know where you’re going and the fucking thing tells you to make a left onto a FOUR LANE street with traffic going in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION from the way you’re facing.

Like it did in New York City.

Thankfully.. THANKFULLY .. when we turned the wrong way down the street, traffic was stopped at a red light so I was able to pull over IN FRONT OF AN NYC COP CAR.. :: thankfully unoccupied :: .. and turn the car around. We pulled into the first parking garage that we found and on wobbly knees, walked the six blocks to the Javits.

Yes.. that is a pig WITH it's head still on

I had never been to an industry food show before. Chief had been to this particular one before as a seller not a buyer. I can’t tell you how hard they suck your ass. They must give a class on it or something.

I’m not adventurous with food so I wasn’t doing a lot of tasting. He was.. which was good because the only thing I kept thing was “.. did you SEE how much the hot dog vendor was charging????” But we did come away with a few products that we wanted to start carrying in the shop so it served it’s purpose.

FOOD!!!

We had gotten there early and the good thing about that was by the time the place was filled to capacity, we had seen everything and were ready to chug it back home.

So we make our way back to the parking garage and contrary to everything I’ve heard, it really wasn’t too expensive. Notice I said “too” and not “that”! It was around 25 bucks and considering we almost got KILLED by the evil Tom Tom, I could deal with 25 bucks.

More food

Chief tells me he’ll drive back because I’m like FORGET DRIVING THROUGH THE LINCOLN TUNNEL AGAIN and while we’re driving through the tunnel, we lose the satellite connection to the Evil Tom Tom. I guess it didn’t like me cursing it out because when it finally connected again, it directed us to take an exit with was NOT the exit to the Turnpike.. even though I clearly SAW the exit for the Turnpike ahead, Chief was like NO! NO! The Tom Tom said to go THIS way.. which put us in the middle of someplace like Seacacus or something and on a highway with a 2 car red light every 100 feet. Which considering how the transmission REALLY started to act up, may have been a good thing.

But as he promised, he pulled over and did some McGuyver-ing and put us back on the road.

We finally found our way back to the Turnpike :: I had turned the Tom Tom off :: and after almost getting into two.. count them.. TWO car accidents, we pulled into one of the numerous rest stops on the pike and had a wonderful lunch of Burger King nuked by a Mexican who could only say “Whopper”.

Don’t ask.

PROTESTING HEALTH CARE

Chief had this bright idea to drive down to Washington DC on the Sunday that the Health Care bill was going to be voted on. That’s something we’re both passionate about and really, I’m not going to get into a debate with anyone who is for it on here. We will just agree to disagree and leave it at that.

The plan was to get up around 5am.. drive down to DC.. protest.. and then drive home.

That was the PLAN anyway.. we were SO committed to going down there that we didn’t get to bed until 3am :: no kids at home means long hours playing Call Of Duty :: and then the gorgeous day we woke up to mandated that we hit various flea markets.

We’re such bad protesters!!

WEED

Weed turned 21 on March 1st.

Honestly, I have to say that he seems to be coming around. Not only has he been coming to work when he’s suppose to but he’s actually doing work. His attitude has become a little more mature but I know he still does what he does.. he’s just less obvious about it.

For his birthday we got him a cell phone. He had one from when the Crack Whore settled her bogus lawsuit but of course, by the time the first payment came around she had blown threw the money and the service was turned off.

If I had known that he could have just re-activated his old one, I would have saved myself a lot of money and aggravation.

And of course, the aggravation has to do with….

BUBBA

Let me just say that I have not had an actual conversation with Bubba since the day of his birthday when I told him that he wasn’t getting the grossly expensive lap top computer he wanted because he didn’t do anything he promised to do.. that being committed to his school work.

Did I also post before that I finally got my dryer because Bubba complained about not having any clean clothes because he never put them in the hamper?

I’m not going to rehash everything that went on, but I will say that this kid needs to be knocked down a few pegs. He still isn’t doing a damn thing in school.. does not have ANY hygiene at all.. stays out all hours of the day / night / weekend .. and I would be doing the pigs of the world a great disservice by calling him one. He’s beyond that.

And I’m over it.

I’m over his lies.. his manipulations.. him calling me a bitch because I call him out on his lies and manipulations.. his use and abuse.. He’s just an ugly person inside and out.. an unhappy person.. someone who couldn’t give a shit about anything or anybody but himself.

I don’t surround myself with that kind of toxin as a rule.. and the fact that this kid lives under my roof doesn’t change that.

Things kind of came to a head about a month ago when Chief told him that he was grounded because he hasn’t done ONE IOTA of schoolwork. Not that Chief makes sure he does his work.. not that the Crack Whore makes sure he does his work either. But as Chief said, “.. he wasn’t going ANYWHERE” that weekend. I told Chief that he was going to have to be the one to tell him that because I was done with being the one that has to issue the punishment only to have it renigged by the Crack Whore.. or worse, Bubba just not paying any damn attention to anything I say.

So Chief assured me that he was going to tell him when he came home from work. In the meantime, Spaz was had made plans to spend the weekend at the Crack Whore’s but as he was waiting for her to pick him up, Bubba started saying that HE was going to stay over there too. Spaz reacted in pure Spaz fashion.. which was to, well, spaz. He go SO upset and started crying and saying that he wasn’t going to go and that all he wanted was to have a weekend away from Bubba.

I tried to stay out of it but things escalated to a point where I had to get involved and told Spaz that Bubba wasn’t going anywhere.. to just calm down.

Immediately Bubba started saying shit to Spaz and to me so I called Chief and told him what was going on. He told me he wanted to talk to him so I gave Bubba the phone. I don’t know what the conversation was but at one point, Bubba said something about me not letting him use the PS3 head phones :: a long story :: and I called him a “Little Fuck” to which he started whining to his father like a little bitch.

I get back on the phone with Chief and he tells me that I was right to do what I did. I told him that I didn’t give a fuck whether or not he thought I was “right” or not .. he wasn’t here and it isn’t fair to Spaz to be tormented by Bubba the way he is.

I hang up with Chief.

He calls me back about 15 minutes later and asks me if I can pick him up from the shop because it was pouring out. I told him I would then went back to getting ready to go out because I really just wanted to get out of the house.

A few minutes after we hang up for the second time, I hear Bubba leave the house. And I’m like, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

And when Chief calls me about a half hour later to tell me that he was closing the shop early and that I can pick him up at any time, I cut the call short because I was in the bathroom.. almost getting physically sick over this fucking kid.

I go down to the shop and I don’t know what made me say this in the way that I did but when I walked in I said, “… you know that Bubba left the house, right?”

He says, “.. oh yea. He went to stay at his mother’s.”

When I tell you that I have NEVER felt like a bigger asshole in my life. HE was the one who INSISTED that Bubba was NOT to leave the house for the weekend which made ME make an issue out of it earlier when he was tormenting Spaz and then he let him go to his mother’s?

Where’s your fucking balls, man?

So I got torqued beyond ever being torqued before.

And I couldn’t look at him.. be near him.. talk to him.. breath the same air as him.

So I stayed in the living room while he tanked out in the bedroom and remained there until the next day when I had had it SO up to here that if I had a box and some place to go I would have packed all my shit right then and there and left.

We had it out the next day.. big blow out.. and when he tried to blame it on the kids I told him all about himself and told him that it’s HIM. That he says one thing and does another and doesn’t give me a heads up. Like the cell phone.

Remember Weed’s old cell phone? The Crack Whore wanted it back so that she could have it reactivated for Bubba. Chief went on a looooooonnnngggg tirade about how Bubba doesn’t deserve one.. that he can’t have one until he brings his grades up.. blah blah blah. Not five minutes.. FIVE MINUTES after he told me that on the phone, the Crack Whore texted me and told me that she had just left the deli and that Chief said he didn’t have a problem with Bubba having a cell phone as long as he doesn’t have to pay the bill for it.

And I called him out on that. And called him out on a million other things that I’ve been holding down. When I tell you that that was the closest that we’ve come to breaking up.. then that’s the closest we’ve come to breaking up.

I told him that if he still wanted me in the picture then he better prepare himself for me not doing anything for Bubba. That I was going to treat Bubba the way that he treats me. No more driving him to school in the morning.. no more doing his clothes.. no more driving him here or there or to his friends. That I was going to email his teacher’s and inform them that from now on, they would have to contact him and the Crack Whore and when Bubba gets into the trouble he’s on the path to get into, don’t expect me to be sympathetic or supportive. Wasn’t going to happen.

So that’s the way things have been and to be honest, Bubba is rolling off my back by rain on a duck.

SPAZ

He’s still having his issues but nothing worse then normal 11 year old shit. He, at least, understands why I’m hard on him about school.. about being neat.. about brushing his teeth and taking showers. Knowing that I don’t want him turning out like Bubba is his big incentive. And as sick as it sounds, knowing how I feel about Bubba is giving him the cujones to stand up to him.

BUBBA: Dad doesn’t love you.
SPAZ: At least he doesn’t have to by me Comet to scrub my neck with

NOTE: Because Bubba doesn’t take regular showers, his neck and knuckles get BLACK. At one point, Chief told him to use Comet to scrub his neck with to take the dirt off.

I almost pissed myself laughing and was like You Go Spaz!!!

The only thing that I can’t really explain to him is why the Crack Whore will buy Bubba a laptop .. will buy him an iPod Touch.. will get him a cell phone when he does nothing to deserve it but when Spaz asked her to contribute to help pay for the two trips he’s going on with the church group ( one is 400 the other is 65), she started yelling and screaming at him that she isn’t made of money and why am I not paying for it.

So that’s basically what’s been going on.

Now that I got this post over with, I’ll get back to my old routine :: 2800+ words will do that to you! :: so buckle up, I’m sure it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

Raising My Laptop From The Dead!

Ok.. all is right in the world now!!!

I know it seems a little suspicious that I was all torqued over this situation with Bubba and Chief and then didn’t post for a few days but that actually had nothing to do with anything.

After my last post, I left my laptop on the radiator in my bedroom to charge and when I came home later in the afternoon, either Ernie or Moan-AH had gotten tangled up in the wires and knocked it off.

So it didn’t work and I had to bring it down to the local computer hospital for fixin’.. which they did for like 20 bucks.

He’s a good guy, that computer doctor.

I tried a few times to post from my iPod Touch but if you ever had to use an iPod Touch to do anything other then listen to music then you know how freakin’ HARD it is to type on a flat screen with no keyboard. Way too many typos and A LOT of frustration!!!!

iPod Touch’s rock though… so if you happen to get your hands on one, do so.

So I’m back … just in time to have yet ANOTHER twenty inches of snow drop on us :: we had over that drop a few days ago :: so I’m sure being holed up in the snow with no vehicles to drive is going to be priceless!!!

Douchebag

… okay

So a few posts ago, I told you about the whole laptop situation with Bubba.

NOTE: In case you got a horrendous case of narcolepsy and couldn’t make it through the whole obscenely large post the jist of it is that Bubba was not allowed to have a laptop but his crack whore mother bought him one without first consulting with Chief. Since then, Bubba has done everything BUT met the conditions that Chief put in place for him and the laptop.

About a week prior to that, Bubba had asked for a cellphone.

I don’t necessarily think that he DESERVES one, but I thought that he should have one if for only to keep a track of where he was at and to alleviate any excuse he had for not calling us when he was suppose to.

So in my area, there’s this service called CriKet. It’s basically a no contract.. pay monthly service where you buy the phone and get the first month of service free. For unlimited text messaging, phone and internet the cost is around 45.00 a month.

Me and Chief agree to the cell phone but of course.. Bubba has his OWN conditions. He doesn’t want the cheapest phone they have.. he wants a QWERTY keyboard.. etc.

Ok.

Fine.

I was all “… you get what you get boy and be satisfied with it” but then I remembered what it was like to be a freshman in high school .. meeting new friends.. meeting girls.. and I caved and told him that he could get a higher end phone which would run me about 200.00.

NOTE: The crack-whore’s back child support payment had come in so it wasn’t like I was really spending MY money and really, who am I kidding.. I knew that the price of it was going to be something used against him at a later date. Evil, I know.. but come on, you’ve read everything I go through with these kids so let me have my moment, ok?

Anyway.. I’m not certain exactly why the online order didn’t go through but it didn’t. So last night when Bubba asked about the phone, I told him that I would take him after school today.

I wasn’t in the greatest of moods this morning… Spaz was giving me major attitude about having to do his homework this morning :: he “forgot” to do it yesterday when he came directly home from school because the crack whore wasn’t going to be home after school :: and his “… I never get to have fun in the morning” comment would have landed a pan of scrambled eggs on his head had I felt like cleaning up the mess afterwards. Which I didn’t.. Ernie, the terrorist puppy had already knocked over the trash can after I left to take Bubba to school.

Whenever I don’t feel like dealing with anything having to do with them or the crack whore… or Chief for that matter.. I practice the age-old art of retail therapy.

NOTE: That experience is a WHOLE. OTHER. STORY that I’ll post about later. Just how does a store stock their shelves with products that they’re computer says they cannot sell??

While I was out and about.. I figured I would stop at the Cricket store and get Bubba’s cell phone since I really didn’t want to take HIM after school. I really just wanted to go home and hang the curtains that I bought. So I get to the store and buy him this phone:

It’s a pretty bad ass phone that is wide enough for his baseball mitt sized hand.

In fact.. it is SO bad ass, that I wanted it for myself.

Anyway.. so fast forward to this afternoon and Bubba comes into the shop after school.

Immediately, Chief starts talking to him about what happened last night. THAT being the fact that he was on the laptop longer then he was suppose to be and stayed up later then his bedtime.

I’m not going to go into the age old argument again about how Chief needs to be more on top of them and really shouldn’t go into our bedroom and conk out after dinner.. regardless of how tired he is or how many hours he worked. In fact, MY argument is that we shouldn’t go to bed before they do. It’s because of that that I’m the one who usually catches them doing what they’re not suppose to do.

Right away Bubba gets that OMG I’M SUCH A TORMENTED SOUL IM SO DEPRESSED I SHOULD LABEL MYSELF EMO face on. His life is really, really horrible, huh?

Anyway.. he asks me about going to the cell phone store and I give him the phone. Not only is he NOT excited about it.. but when he leaves the store and doesn’t ever say “Thank You”.

Let me tell you.. if this kid is not THE biggest fucking douchebag, I don’t know who is… and I’ve known some douchebags in my time. So I tell Chief. His response?

He was upset about the whole laptop thing..

I guess when he saw the steam coming out of my ears he realized what he just fucking said so he tried cleaning it up with “… but that’s not an excuse”

No.

That’s not a fucking excuse you goddamn moron!

And so tonight.. when we’re all sitting around at dinner.. I’m going to tell these kids a few things:

• I don’t have to drive you to school every morning.. but I do
• I don’t have to make you breakfast every morning.. but I do
• I don’t have to make you lunch.. but I do
• I don’t to tolerate your little attitudes and hissy fits and lies and brattiness.. but I do

And because I spent 200.00 on a cell phone, I can’t get a dryer that I need AND have to lower MY cell phone plan to afford YOURS but I did…

And it’s all going to stop.

RIGHT

THIS

FUCKING

MINUTE

I don’t care if you hate me.. I don’t care if you think I’m a bitch.. I don’t even care if it breaks me and your father up.. I am not your bitch.. I am not your whipping post.. I am not the one who’s going to continue to watch you treat your father and I like shit because you think you’re owed something in life..

I’ll let you know how it goes…

Ok! OK!! YES! Nonna DID Indeed See My Snatch!

Yknow… sometimes I just forget that I’m not writing a personal email!!

I have literally gotten tons of emails asking about this particular post .. and the comment I made in response to The Goob about my grandmother ( Nonna ) seeing an up close and more then personal picture of my Va-jay-jay ( snatch ).

Here’s the story:

A few years ago, I feeling some kind of lump? Bump? SOMETHING down in the nether regions. No matter how I contorted myself over a mirror :: um, you get the idea, right? :: I wasn’t able to get a satisfying view of whatever it was that I was feeling.

Since necessity IS the mother of all inventions.. or in this case.. curiosity seeking.. I grabbed my digital camera and started taking pictures in the attempt to SEE what was down there.

NOTE: Contrary to those who wink and nod when told this story, I was NOT taking pictures of the Va-jay-jay for ANY. OTHER. PURPOSE!! Dammit!

I upload them to my laptop and FINALLY get to see what the issue is. Turns out, it was just an ingrown hair that FELT a lot bigger then it actually is.

Satisfied that I wasn’t secretly implanted with something from an alien abduction, I closed the laptop and went about my business. That being a date with a guy that was SO going to include naked fun.

Hence the urgency to find out what the HELL was down there.

Anyway… so fast forward a week? A month? I don’t remember.. but it had been awhile. My relatives in Italy had emailed me some pictures of my grandfather’s ancestors and I took my laptop down with me to my grandmother’s to show her.

My mom had something she needed to do that night so I had to sit with my gradmother because she wasn’t well enough to stay by herself.

Anyway… so I tell her about the pictures from the family and fire up the laptop to show her.

My laptop at the time had a 17″ screen :: I believe. Don’t know for sure but it was a bigger one then I have now :: So I pop open Picasso and started a slide show of my families pictures. Not really paying attention :: there are so many oohs and aahs that I can appear interested in :: my mind drifted off until I heard my grandmother say, “.. what’s that?”

I turn to look at the screen and

OH.

MY.

FUCKING.

GOD.

There.. filling the WHOLE screen is my Vagina. Since the laptop was sitting on my grandmother’s lap, I just started hitting the finger pad to move the mouse and close the goddamn window.

Not that simple.. because.. THE DAMN COMPUTER FREEZES

Meanwhile, my grandmother keeps asking what it is and I keep telling her I don’t know.. just some random picture.. until finally I rip the laptop off her lap and snap the lid down.

I was somewhere between mortification and hysterical laughter when I called Goober and told him what happened.

His immediate response?

NONNA SAAAAWWW YOUR SNAH-ATCH!

NONNA SAAAWWW YOUR SNAH-ATCH!

In this sickening sing-songy voice!

Very rare has an opportunity gone by where Goob teases me about it.

So that’s it.

The whole story.