Come On.. You Can Do It!

Grrr!! I WILL Always Do The Right Thing

… and seriously? It’s pissing me off.

Guess it does say something about me.. or the way I was raised.. or my firm belief in always trying to live a good life and doing right by people regardless of whether they DESERVE it or not.

So.. you be the judge and let me know whether I went SO beyond the call of duty.

Earlier today at the shop, Chief started suffering a serious migraine. One of the ones where his vision becomes impaired and his stomach lining hangs from his chin. :: Gross, I know but the two seem to go hand in hand ::

Since there was no way in HELL that he would be able to keep working, I literally forced him into the car.. drove him home with the passenger side door opened and kicked him out onto the front lawn.

Well.. that’s an exaggeration but it almost felt like it because he did NOT want to leave and it was a pain in the ass to convince him that he was in no condition .. in fact, it was highly dangerous.. for him to work.

Anyway.. so I’m at the shop by myself. It’s nothing that I can’t handle and since it was a relatively slow day so it gave me a lot of time to straighten things up and clean stuff.

Bubba happened to pop in in late in the afternoon. We started talking and he asked me if either his father or I had spoken to the crack whore.

I told him that I hadn’t.. didn’t know if Chief did.. and what did he do that he’s asking.

He said that HE didn’t do anything.. but Spaz had.

This past Monday, Spaz went to the crack whore’s basically because Chief didn’t want him in the store and told him that he needed to get on his bike and go to the park.. or find some friends to play with.. or something that’s relatively “normal” for an 11 year old boy to do in the summer.

So Spaz rode his bike the block and a half to the crack whore’s house and stayed there. Basically just swapping OUR living room for HER living room. He decided he was going to sleep there.

The following morning, Spaz just happened to be in the shop bright and early. Strange but whatever.

Anyway.. that’s the background. So what Bubba told me was this:

[Crack Whore] told Spaz that he had to go to bed at like 11:00 because Weed’s girlfriend was over and they wanted to be alone. Spaz started to freak out and yelled that he hopes she drops dead so he can shit on her grave. She went after him and he told her to go fuck herself. She was really hurt and told him that he couldn’t come back over until he learned how to behave.

I have to tell you that the crack whore aside, my chin hit the floor. That was SO far over the line.. SO foul.. SO disrespectful.. SO vile.

Regardless of what I personally think of her.. there was no way in HELL that I was going to let that slide.

No. Wasn’t going to let it slide.

Bubba suggested that I talk to her first before saying anything to Spaz. I told him it was a good idea.. but more because I wanted to hear it from her and to give her the heads up that Spaz was going to be punished. There was no question about that.. and she needed to be on the same track because it’s their :: her and Chief’s :: total dysfunction about not wanting to come off as the “bad” parent that allowed this all to fester.

So I called her and left a voice mail.

She didn’t call me back.

A few hours later, I sent her a text message.

She didn’t respond.

So finally on the drive home from dropping Bubba and his friend off at the mall, I called her again and left the following voice mail:

You need to call me and tell me what happened with Spaz. It’s not that I don’t believe Bubba but I can’t talk to Spaz about it without knowing what really happened.

About an hour later she called. I had just gotten home and had given Spaz his dinner. Chief was still in the bedroom trying to beat his migraine.

When she called, she told me that she was at work most of the day and couldn’t call me back :: well, THAT’S news :: Not wanting to talk in front of Spaz, I went outside on the front step and asked her what happened.

She basically told me the same thing.. except also added that Weed and his girlfriend wanted to watch an R rated movie. She told Spaz that it was time for bed and that he could watch a movie in her bedroom or she would order something PG for him.

That’s when he started his tantrum. She said that although she doesn’t believe in hitting, she popped him in the mouth because he was so out of control and she was shocked at the words he was using.

I told her that he didn’t use that kind of language at our house and that he never had spoken to me in that tone before.. but that I was mortified that he would say what he said to her.

I told her that he was going to be punished and that she needed to realize that whatever punishment is issued at OUR house needs to be reinforced in HER house and visa versa… because right now, when one of them wants to get out of anything here.. they go there. And that isn’t right.

I told her that they don’t respect either her OR Chief and that I was not going to allow either of them to be disrespectful to ANY adult.

She said that she was worried that Chief was going to hit him. I told her that that was doubtful.. and that I wasn’t a proponent of capital punishment :: seriously doubt that she understood that :: but there was no way he was getting away with that.

She asked me to please tell Spaz that she loves him and that he’s allowed over anytime we allow it. She said that she knew we didn’t have an air conditioner and that it’s been humid out so it was okay with her if they stayed there.

NOTE: Our air conditioner broke and because the way the house is set up, we would need to get one that was going to cost a WHOLE lot of money. IF the kids did what they were suppose to do, the house would stay comfortable.. if not down right cool. But of course, they’re idiots who will sit in a stuffy house because they “forget” to open the windows and turn all the ceiling fans on.

I told her I would tell him that and then went inside.

Spaz was finished with his dinner and I went into the bedroom to talk to Chief. I asked him if he felt any better and he said he really didn’t. I asked him if he would come out into the living room when he finished eating. He asked why and I asked him if Spaz had mentioned anything to him the morning he came to the shop super early.

He said he didn’t.. and I told him everything that I just explained above. I told him that Spaz needed to be punished. He needed to start going to be in his room at 9:30pm. No sleeping out in the living room.. no falling asleep in front of the television. I told him he needed to back me up on this one.

Needless to say, he was as shocked as I had been and we went out to the living room. I called out for Spaz to come sit at the dining room table and when he did, I asked him what had happened at the crack whore’s.

He said “nothing”.

I asked him, “… are you sure?”

He said “yea”

I said, “.. you might want to rethink that answer because I already know”

Chief asked him why he came down to the store early. Spaz said “because I hate her.”

I asked him why and he said he didn’t know.

I said, “… you hate your mother but don’t know why you hate her?”

He said because she made him go to bed at like 10pm.

I said, “No. It was more like 11 and you got pissed because you couldn’t do what YOU wanted to do.”

When he stared to deny it, I said, “No. You’re not going to say ANYTHING because I talked to your mother and I know what you said.”

Then Chief jumped in and reamed him. Verbally laid into him. All kinds of things came out.. but all of it the truth. Like how Spaz doesn’t worry about anybody else’s feelings but his own. How he doesn’t care who’s feelings he hurts. He told him that everything that goes on at the crack whore’s gets back to us and there is no way in HELL that ANYthing he did was acceptable.

All the while, Spaz is looking down and touching one of Chief’s belts that was laying on the table. Chief told him that he better not keep playing with it because he was going to get whipped with it.

I do have to say… because I am a girl, yknow.. that I was a little.. I don’t know what the word is.. “put off”? by the degree in which Chief defended her. I know that’s being ridiculous especially because Chief had told him that if he ever heard him talking to ME that way then he better just dig his grave himself.. but like I said.. I’m a girl and I’m only being honest here. At least give me that.

But anyway.. Chief was getting so wound up because Spaz’s IM THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE AND ALL OTHERS BOW DOWN TO ME attitude has been going on for longer then I’ve been around and is the main reason why he has issues in school and with making friends.

Chief started saying how he wasn’t going to tolerate it any more.. that with school starting soon, he wasn’t going to go through the same bullshit with Spaz acting up in class.. behaving the way he does and talking to his teacher’s the way he’s been.

From now on, Chief told him.. he’s just going to get the belt. No questions asked. He went on and on and before I knew what was happening, Chief leaned over the table to slap him in the arm. Then he grabbed the belt and hit him twice in the arm with it.

To be fair, Chief did not hit him hard. Spaz’ over the top reaction was just that. Over the top. Sort of like when he stubs his toe and wails so loud that China hears him. It was the point that needed to be made and it was.

It was around 8:30 by this time and Chief told him that he had an hour to watch tv before he had to go to his room. Spaz stood at the table with big croc tears and faux hyperventilation. Chief told him to stop crying. Spaz said his arm hurt. I said, “.. imagine how you hurt [the crack whore’s] heart.”

So at 9:27, Chief called out to Spaz to go into his bedroom. Spaz’s response was that it “… was ONLY 9:27!” I called out, “.. wrong answer” So he went into his bedroom.

Chief said to me that Spaz had eaten a whole box of mac and cheese.. after he had come home from the eating at the shop. He said he eats because he’s bored …

Um.. HELLO!!!!!!

Anyway.. that’s off track.

The thing is.. that regardless of my feelings towards the crack whore.. what Spaz said and how he acted wasn’t right and I couldn’t let it go un-reprimanded.

I may live to regret it.. in fact, I’m sure I will but it was still the right thing to do.

Dammit.

The Night Sky Has An Extra Star

95 years and 3 months ago, the oldest of 11 children was born to Italian immigrants.

The mother had immigrated to the States and turned her little house into a boarding home and sponsored other immigrants who came to American from her little town in Italy.

One immigrant was a shoemaker by trade and just figured he’d jump the ship to America one day. He didn’t know anyone here.. let alone a woman who gave people from her town a place to sleep and meals to eat. In fact, he didn’t even know anyone on the ship.

When the ship landed and he was told that he wasn’t going to be able to get off of it, one of the men who this woman with the boarding house had already sponsored told him about her.. and then told her about him.

Feeling bad for him.. they concocted this story about being engaged but were too poor at that point to afford to BE married. They figured that no one would be able to turn him away after hearing how he scrimped and saved to buy a ticket to be with his beloved.

They were right.

Over the collective cloud of  Awwwww the ship’s steward’s notified the captain of this poor couple’s plight and he announced that he would marry them.

Right there.

On the ship’s dock.

There really wasn’t much they could do except go along with the charade. So they got married… right there.. on the ship’s dock. I can tell you that this woman was NOT pleased in the beginning and gave the her new husband a hard way to go .. but eventually this man won her over and she fell in love with him.

They had their “marriage” blessed by the church and a year or so later, their first child was born.

A baby girl they called Mary.

Mary grew up helping her mother cook for the boarders, cleaning the house and caring for the 10 children that were to follow her.

When she was 20, a man came to stay with them. He was just into his 40’s and had returned to America to find work as a carpenter. He had never married. Not sure why.. but even HE knew that it was just about time to settle down and so he evaluated his options and figured the 20 year old daughter of the boarding house owner would make a good wife and mother.

So he courted her.. and eventually asked him to marry her.

She agreed and they went on to have three children of their own. The oldest being a girl.

Their first born daughter is my mother.

Mary is my grandmother.

And after 95 years and three odd months, she took her last breath.

My grandmother was an amazing woman. I know that most people say that about their grandmother’s but she honestly was.

Unlike most woman of MY generation, my grandmother lived for her family. Lived for caring for them. That was her job and she reveled in it.

We used to joke that she could feed a Roman Army any time.. night or day.. because her refrigerator was always over flowing. She was mortified if she thought you left her table hungry because for her.. food cured everything.

Depressed about breaking up with your boyfriend? Here.. eat something.

Having problems with your job? Here.. eat something.

There were times when I would stop over after work just to visit and she would INSIST that I eat.

HER: Eat something.

ME: Not hungry, Nonna.

HER: What? Not hungry? How come?

ME: I ate already.

HER: You ate already? How could you eat already? Here.. eat some of [whatever]

ME: But I’m not hungry.

HER: What? I can’t believe it..

That conversation :: or variation of it :: went on all the time. Worse was when her hearing started to go and you literally had to shout I’M. NOT. HUNGRY.

You didn’t know if her “WHAT?” was because she couldn’t hear what you were saying or because she just couldn’t believe that you didn’t want to eat.

She was also very tolerant of the strays I brought to her house.. whether 2 legged or 4 legged..

One time..  long after my grandfather had died and she had moved to a smaller house..  I was living in an apartment with my psychotic ex-husband when we found a stray dog. Cute little thing.. almost like Toto from the Wizard of Oz.

I couldn’t bring him into my apartment and it was too late to take him to the SPCA. My mother already had a dog who was psychotic in it’s own right so the only other place I could bring it was to my grandmothers.

Mind you.. for as good as my grandmother was… for as sympathetic as her heart was.. animals in her house just didn’t happen. My grandmother was beyond meticulous when it came to cleanliness and we used to joke around that she would wait with a can of Pledge cocked and ready for a piece of dust to fall on her furniture!

So even though I didn’t want to.. I felt too sorry for this little fur ball so I called her and asked her if it would be alright if I stayed over JUST ONE NIGHT with the dog and I PROMISE. PROMISE. PROMISE. not to let it get into anything or jump on anything or pee anywhere.

She said okay because I was her granddaughter.. because she loved me.. and because she knew how worried I was about this dog.

So what was the first thing she did when I arrived with it?

Feed it, of course!

I could go on and on.. there are so many stories and so many of her quirks that just make us double over and laugh :: a rite of passage for all her grandchildren and great-grandchildren was dusting the brass tips of the dining room table legs ::

When you reach her age, it’s inevitable that things will start to go wrong beyond the normal aches and pains. Eventually, her heart started to become weak and she would suffer congestive heart failure and wind up in the hospital. This happened a few times over the past few years and each time we held our breath.. waiting.

This time, when she went into the hospital, the doctor told us that there really wasn’t much they could do. She had one leaky valve in her heart.. another was only functioning at 20%.. and at 95 and some odd months.. they couldn’t operate.

It was a waiting game and one that caused my family a lot of stress. No doctor, no matter how talented they are, can give you the exact date of of someone dying. If they could, my grandmother would have died years ago.

I believe she remained with us for as long as she did because she was well loved.. she wasn’t alone.. never lonely.

Out of all my cousin’s, I was the one that always lived close by so I got to see her more often then they did. I’m thankful for that.. I’m thankful that I got to share things with her that they didn’t.

The last day she was here, I told my mom and my aunt that I was going to bring them dinner. All afternoon my grandmother was asking my mother “Where’s Leese? Where’s Leese?” .. and my mother would tell her that I would be there with dinner.

She liked that. For some reason, no matter how many times I told her that whatever culinary delight I brought with me was prepared by Chief, she always thought I cooked it.

When I got there she looked better then she had in the previous two weeks of being in the hospital. She had color.. her voice sounded stronger.. and even though I knew she was never going to be “well” well, I didn’t get the impression that she was as ill as she had been.

We were there for about an hour when she started to fidget in her hospital bed.. complaining she was tired. So an hour earlier then we normally left, we said our goodbyes and I kissed her on the forehead and said, “.. love you” like I always did.

The following morning, my mom called me to tell me that my grandmother had passed.. with no drama or trauma.. in her sleep.

It’s hard knowing she isn’t here anymore. No matter how prepared you are for a loved one’s death.. you’re never really prepared.

It feels like the sun is less brighter.. that the night sky has an extra star.

I have no complaints.. more importantly, I have no regrets. There is no question that I will miss her..  that it will take time for me to get used to her not being near me.

But she is in my heart.. where she will remain until I too, take my last breath.

Te Amo, Nonna.  Lo mancherò

Joel Ostten Told Me To Clean My Windows

So…

Have I mentioned lately that I’ve been having some major mind-confusions regarding me and Chief’s relationship?

Maybe mentioned it in passing? LOL!

Okay.. so anyway.. things had gotten to a point where yesterday was going to be THE day that I was going to have a serious talk to him about what’s been on my mind. I was committed :: to talking to him, that is.. not “committed” as in an institution although that may not have been such a bad thing! :: .. so committed that I didn’t even obsessively rehearse what I was going to say.. or anticipate his answers to what I was going to say.. or anticipate my response to the answers that I anticipated him saying.

Got that?

Glad YOU do!!

However.. as with all things “Leese”.. whenever I thought the moment was right to begin the conversation that I hadn’t planned :: much :: something happened that made me think that it wasn’t the appropriate time.

Maybe it was just me chickening out.. but you’ll see what I mean as this continues.

So the day goes by .. and I leave the shop to go visit my grandmom in the hospital. On the drive home, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he will still be awake enough to talk to him.

Turns out, I got home earlier then anticipated and wound up behind him in the Dunkin’ Donuts near our house. He had picked up Chinese for him and Spaz and so having a conversation with him was going to have to wait awhile.

After dinner he took a shower…

Then took the trash out..

Then started looking for some paper or something he needed in the mess of a night stand drawer that he has.

NOTE: Opening that drawer is like opening Pandora’s Box. I sighed. This was going to take HOURS!

So I started flipping through the tv channels and stopped at a commercial because I had to go to the bathroom. When I came back in the bedroom, the Joel Osteen show was on.

NOTE: For those of you who don’t know who Joel Osteen is, just Google him.

I watch Joel every now and again and even though I don’t consider myself affiliated with any “one” religion, I do believe that the “message” is what is most important, regardless of where it came from.

Joel started talking about negativity. How some people perpetuate it and never see anything else but what it wrong. It could be that they are unhappy with themselves.. it could be that they just have that kind of spirit.. but he said that when you foster negativity.. that’s exactly what you get. I think he reference Matthew 7:1.

NOTE: Don’t quote me on that or send me hate mail because I don’t know every chapter and verse of the Bible. Consider it something else to Google.

He started talking about relationships and how some people forget the reasons why the fell in love with their mate. He mentioned how if you’re pissed :: okay, he didn’t use that word :: at your husband because he didn’t mow the lawn then instead of nagging him and bitching about it to him :: okay, he didn’t use THAT word either! :: you should say, “.. hey honey, did I ever tell you how attractive you look when you mow the lawn? How handsome you are when the sweat is dripping down your face and your muscles are all bulgy and stuff?”

THAT he did say.. although not verbatim!

He also offered this:

A husband and wife move into a new house and one Saturday morning, the wife notices her neighbor hanging laundry on a line. She comments to her husband how dingy the laundry looks and wonders how she could possibly let her family wear such things. This went on for a few weeks .. the whole time the woman completely putting her neighbor down for her laundry skills. One morning, she got up and noticed that the neighbors laundry was cleaner then it’s ever been.. the whites whiter.. the sheets cleaner.. She mentions it to her husband and wonders what could have happened to make the neighbor finally do her laundry properly. The husband said, “Oh. I just got up earlier today and cleaned our windows.

That little story had a huge impact on me.

I wasn’t looking at my relationship with Chief through clean windows. I wasn’t seeing HIM through clean windows. I have had disastrous relationships in the past that have really leveled my self esteem.. so much so that I realized that I am more on the defensive then I like to think I am. It isn’t so much what Chief isn’t doing as it is MY thinking of what he’s doing. I was taking everything bad that has ever happened to me at the hands of other people and expecting him to make it right and that isn’t fair to him.

I had forgotten what made me fall in love with him.. forgotten that he isn’t like every other guy I was with. And because he isn’t, why am I treating him like he is?

Another thing that dawned on me is that a person can’t appreciate another person if they’ve never been appreciated before… a person can’t LOVE another person if they’ve never been loved before. They just don’t know how.  Given everything that Chief has been through with his childhood and his first marriage… how can I possibly slam him for being just as on the defense as I was?

As we laid in bed afterwards, he rolled over and snuggled into me. He hasn’t done that in awhile and I started to tear up a bit. He asked me why I was crying in that Oh.My.God.What’s.Wrong tone he has and all I could do what bend my arm back behind me and put my hand on his bald head.

I told him that I know that he’s happy but is he happy BECAUSE of me or just because he is WITH someone?

You could have knocked him over with a feather.

“Leese.. YOU make me happy.” was all he said. A few minutes went by and he whispered, “.. please don’t stop” in my ear.

I didn’t say anything..  I didn’t know what to say :: ok.. ok.. a first, I know! :: but then he asked me, “.. are YOU happy?”

I said that I was.

Because of him.

I did tell him thought that I hate when he doesn’t hold me when we go to sleep.. that I need that. Not that he has to do it all night :: he’s all over the place when he sleeps :: but at least until I fall asleep. I need to feel that connection to him.

Honestly, I was half dazed when I said that. Snuggling against him, my eyes started to get heavy and before I knew it, I was asleep.

This morning… I got some pretty devastating news and not know what to do with myself, I went down to the shop. Chief had gone to the wholesalers and wasn’t back yet so I made myself busy cleaning up and whatever.

When he finally arrived, he was surprised to see me there and I told him about the news I had received. He pulled me close to him.. said how sorry he was and I started crying some.

NOTE: I’ll post about it later. I don’t have all the info yet so it doesn’t make sense to do it now.

After he let me go, he went out to the van to bring some boxes in and when he set them down he said:

This probably isn’t the right time and I don’t know how else to say this so I’ll just say it the way I know it. I’ve been with a lot of woman. Some I couldn’t stand being around because of their personalities.. some I couldn’t stand being around because they were idiots.. some I couldn’t stand being around because they were just ugly on the inside. I’m with you because of YOU. Not who you think you should be or who you think I want you to be. I’ve never been this happy before. You’re everything I ever wanted all wrapped up into one. You’re my best friend. So next time you think any different.. well.. just don’t.

My windows are clean now.

Thanks Joel

PS- I know.. I know, Aurora! You’ve been telling me this for months!!!

Succumbing To TWILIGHT

.. so it’s been A LONG LONG time since I was a “tween” .. or had posters hanging on my bedroom wall and bought Tiger Beat magazine.

Long Time!!

Given that, I really wasn’t much interested in the whole TWILIGHT thing. Could care less about Bella and Edward and Jacob and vampires and werewolves and carpal tunnel has really prevented me from lugging around 600+ page books.

NOTE: Although it’s probably the lugging around of 600+ page books that gave me carpal tunnel to begin with. If you don’t believe me, just check out the girth of Diana Gabaldon’s saga of Jamie and Claire in the “Outlander” series.

Anyway…

Not actually sure what made me do it.. maybe because I was laid off and have more time on my hands to read :: sometimes it gets dead in the shop and really, how much Call of Duty can someone who ISN’T 11 years old play? :: but I happen to come across the first book :: aptly named “Twlight” :: for the ridiculously low price of 2.99.

So I bought it.. and started to read it.

I was “eh” about it. Not a difficult read at all and when Chief saw what I was reading and raised his eyebrows in surprise, I was like “.. blah. I can write better then this.”

“You’re not a 12 year old girl” was his response.

And he was right. I’m used to reading books geared towards adults and this definitely isn’t. I have to say that that comment put a change on things and I started to enjoy the book instead of picking it apart.

And guess what?

I couldn’t put the damn thing down!

NOTE: I eventually did watch the movie.. which in my opinion SUCKED!. Books are always better then the movies they are turned in to but really. This SUCKED!. I’m really not going to slam either Kristen Stewart or Robert Patterson but.. you know.. this movie SUCKED!

The following day, I happened to be in Wal-Mart and saw that they carried the whole series. I immediately loaded my cart with Book 2: New Moon, Book 3: Eclipse and Book 4: Breaking Dawn

At something like 14 bucks a pop, I literally had to call myself out and was like, “… come the fuck on, Leese! You’re an adult. With bills. Go ahead.. justify spending 46.00 on books!”

Sometimes being an adult blows!

So I only bought New Moon.

Which I finished reading at 3am.

The following morning, I bought Eclipse.

Which I finished reading at around 2:30am

The following morning, I bought Breaking Dawn.

Since it’s Sunday and I really don’t have anything else do to, I’ll probably finish that at a reasonable time tonight!!!

I don’t know what it is … because as the series progresses it gets more and more OH! COME! ON! –ish. But I’m committed now and want to see how this all ends.

I have to say I’m glad that it’s summer and the shop has it’s Tween customer base! There’s a lot of Twilight discussions going on between me and the 12 year old girls coming in for water ice!! LOL!

But in all seriousness… if you’re above the age of consent and have read the books or are reading the books, give me a shout. I’d love to get your POV on some things.

Because I think I’m in the minority when I say that Bella SO belongs with Jacob!! LOL!!

Am I right? Come on.. admit it!! Forget Edward!!