Eyes Wide Shut (a.k.a. Mirror Check)

Ok.

I’ll be the first one to admit that I can be a real stubborn hard ass. Some :: especially those 22 and under :: will probably say that translates into bitch.

But also understand that it’s always with the best of intentions.

I don’t want to see these kids fail. I want them to grow into decent, respectful men with a good work ethic. I want them to think of others before themselves. I want them to have an education that will allow them to do whatever it is they want in life.

And no.. I haven’t dipped into to any of Weed’s pills.

I think that’s what every parent wants for their kid. :: Crack Whore not included :: and I :: unlike their father :: know that it’s not easy.. you won’t be popular.. you’ll be called a bitch :: or worse :: and they are going to fight you every step of the way. But you have to do it because you failing means that they fail.

One thing, I am not is a quitter. One thing I am, is a fighter. And believe me, I fight for these kids.. even against themselves. And maybe I don’t always do things the right way but it’s my way.

Would I do things the same way if these were my own kids? Absolutely. More so, I think, because I know I hold back because they aren’t my bio-kids. And not being their bio-parent makes things that much harder. Especially when their father can’t find it in his being to be tougher then mush. Believe me, he knows as well as they do that he doesn’t have a spine when it comes to discipling them.

The issues and problems I’ve had with these boys has been well documented on this blog. Just click on any of their categories and you’ll see what I’m saying.. but it seems that there’s this << insert grunting noise here>> dynamic with Bubba.

Maybe it’s his age.

He was 12 when I came into his life.. Spaz had just turned 9 and being the youngest with abandonment issues made him the type of kid that would just automatically cling to whatever female came into his life. Weed was 17 so he was already doing his own thing and didn’t really care what female came into his life.

But Bubba, I think, was different. He was old enough to witness the demise of his family. He was old enough to remember their arguing.. their fighting.. his mother’s behavior.. his father sleeping in the car because he didn’t want to be near her..

After they split, the Crack Whore had kept Bubba and Spaz with her. Why, I don’t know.. especially when the reason she wanted out in the first place is because she “.. didn’t feel like being a mother anymore”. I’m going to make the safe bet and say it was for the child support checks.

At any rate, she would put the kids in daycare.. pick them up at 6:30.. throw a plate of mac and cheese or ramaan noodles at them for dinner and then put them to bed. So how much time did she really spend with them?

After their father got custody, he was hardly around either. He did work his ass off to provide for them but at what cost? Time.

Truthfully, I don’t know who many women HE was with that came in and out of the kids life but by the time he met me, I think as much as Bubba wanted to have a “mom”.. he didn’t trust that she would stick around. So he would self-preserve. Get all the good things that he could get.. or wanted.. but wouldn’t give himself over completely and make it a two way street. I don’t think that was willing to give his heart or his emotions or his trust completely fearing that it would one day go away.

Sad, right?

The thing is, me and Bubba are a lot alike. We both like to sleep late.. watch stupid videos on YouTube.. play video games.. hate anything that has to do with fish.. maybe we’re too much alike.

But something happened last night that made me put a check on myself because it was probably the last thing that I would have expected and it literally blew me away.

Last night at dinner, we told the kids that they were going to have to start clearing out their bedroom and get rid of stuff that was broken, didn’t fit, didn’t want, etc. I didn’t want to move a lot of crap to West Virginia, especially because we weren’t going to have a lot of storage space right away.

So Bubba asked me for a container for his sports card collection which made Spaz get his ass in gear because God forbid is Bubba does something that may garner him praise without Spaz wanting the same attention.

While they were cleaning out their room, Bubba came out holding a birthday card and said, “.. I kept this for a reason” and handed it to me.

I looked at it but didn’t necessarily remember it, which is odd in itself because I literally remember every card I give.. where I was when I bought it, etc. So at first I thought that it was a card that he had kept for years. It was one of those mildly humorous generic ones.. something about not being able to afford a gift but picked  a good one anyway and when you opened it up there was a pop-up of a guy picking his nose. “Love Dad” was written in pen and then something in pencil that I couldn’t really focus on because did you ever try to write on a glossy card in pencil?

So I was like, “… oookkk???” because obviously I wasn’t getting why he was showing me the card.

He said said something about the signature and when I looked closer, what was written in pencil was Spaz’s name, the dogs names and the cat’s name.

He said, ‘.. you’re name is missing.”

And then in a flash, it all came back to me.

From October 2009 into his birthday in January 2010.. Bubba and I were like nitro and a tsunami. We clashed big time and at one point, he went to go live with the Crack Whore for 2 weeks at the end of October only to return home in mid-November.. we patched things up and had a good Christmas but then things went haywire again between then and his birthday.

And it was bad. I’m sure it’s been written about on here but the only post I found was THIS one. I really didn’t want to go back and relive that time.

The last thing I wanted to do back then was go shopping for his birthday presents. But I did.. and got the cake.. and made his favorite foods for dinner. Knowing me, I didn’t sign the card because sometimes I’m a stubborn hard ass and I wasn’t digging the fact that this teenager was being trying to roll me and could care less about anything I said or asked or wanted.

He ignored me that whole night.. thanked his father for dinner event though I made it.. thanked his father for his gifts.. even though I bought them.

What I didn’t realize then.. but hit me like a ton of bricks last night.. is that, like me, Bubba keeps everything inside. He was acting the same way I was.. or was reacting in the same way. He doesn’t have heart to hearts when heart to hearts would heal .. he waits and brings it up later.. probably because :: like me :: he needs to digest things and figure out the right words for the right situations.

And it made me think back to a few months ago when his teachers called to discuss enrolling him in Cyber School. They thought it was a good idea.. I was willing to give it a shot since we had already closed the store and his father would be home to keep him on point :: with me pushing behind him, of course ::.. but Chief wasn’t sold on the idea. So I went to bat for him and got Chief to agree.

Bubba didn’t know anything about it and I knew he was going to be stoked to not have to get up and go to school anymore so I sent him a text saying, “… got good news. You’re going to love me for life even if you think I’m a complete bitch”

He texted back saying, “.. Ik u try hard n i appreciate it”

Yes, I saved it.

It wasn’t anything that I was expecting and nothing having to do with anything regarding school.

I realized that I am getting through to this kid.. that he wants me here.. he cares if I’m here or not.. if I’m happy or not.. he just doesn’t know how to show it in a way that doesn’t embarrass his almost 16 year old mentality or how to get past all scarring from his childhood.

And I have to recognize that.. and keep that in the back of my head.. because neither of us are perfect and we’re both going to make mistakes.

He’s been showing a more mature self with this move.. he’s growing up and maybe we’ll both be able to get passed the past and maybe moving will put us in a better place both physically AND mentally.

Chickens Coming Home To Roost

The Crack Whore's TV

This is a picture that Bubba texted with the message:

This is why Weed got thrown out

Certainly looks like he punched it a few times, huh?

So I guess this is going to be yet ANOTHER reason why she isn’t going to pay child support.

BTW, my response was “.. I could care less”

Anyway… so just to keep y’all in the loop, Weed wound up coming back to the house yesterday morning.

He’s like Alfonz, the cat.. stays out all night and then comes in in the morning wanting to eat and sleep.

But anyway.. yesterday he comes in and he’s sitting on the couch moaning and whatever because his tooth hurts. Like, REALLY hurts.

So I come out from my bedroom and ask him what his problem is.

His reply?

I’ve been trying to get to the hospital for three days and nobody will take me because everybody hates me.

My reply?

What are you.. like FIVE?

I made myself a cup of coffee and asked him where he went last night because if MY tooth was hurting THAT bad, I would have spent the 5 bucks and jumped on public transportation … since, it’s like.. a DIRECT ROUTE to the nearest hospital. But that’s just me.

He didn’t reply because HE knows that I know.. y’know what I’m saying??

So I told him we’d drive him to the hospital but we weren’t going to sit there with him. He’s going to be 22. Time to man-up.

Did I mention we had a blizzard? Oh.. well.. we did. 18 inches or something. So the car had to be dug out. Chief and Weed went out while I was putting my snow gear on and as I was walking out, Weed was walking in. I asked him where he was going and he was all huffy saying, “… I have to shovel snow and then read a magazine.”

I laughed because he was referring to being on his father time schedule and not his.

We finally get in the car.. drop him off at the hospital.. and went to the super market to get some things. He was in and out of the ER a lot faster then I thought because as soon as we walked into the kitchen with all the bags, we had to turn right back around and pick him up.

There really wasn’t anything the ER docs could do so they gave him a script for antibiotics and for 10 Percocets.

WONDERFUL!!

Give the junkie his drug of choice.

They also told him to get oil of clove. That’s like the OTC Miracle of Miracles for toothaches.

He’s making these remarks under his breath about not having any money to get the scripts filled and I ignored it. I asked Chief where we can get oil of clove and he said at CVS. There was one close by so we pull in and park. I didn’t think Weed was going to go into the store but he did. AND went straight to the pharmacy counter to find out how much the pills were going to cost .

I found the oil of clove and that was like 8 bucks for this really tiny bottle. But Chief agreed with the doctor.. this was the shiznit.

I go to the pharmacy counter where Weed tells me that the Perc were going to cost 12 dollars. I ask him how much the antibiotics were and he said he didn’t ask.

Well OF COURSE NOT!! DUH!! What junkie would want antibiotics???

I tell him that he needs the antibiotics more then he needs to Percs because it’s the infection that causing all the pain.

He tells me he disagrees.

Well OF COURSE HE DOES!! DUH!! What junkie is going to pass up a legal script for Percs??

I don’t think he appreciated how loud I said that.

I ask the pharmacy tech how much the antibiotics were going to cost and she said 20 bucks. I tell Weed that he has really good timing when it comes to him needing prescriptions filled. It ALWAYS happens when I’m close to broke. He apologizes but I know he’s just salivating over the Percs.

I tell the pharmacist to fill both scripts because 1) I have a plan and 2) I’m not as dumb as I look. I also tell Weed that I’m going to hold the pills and will dole them out solely based on the doctor’s order. He’s fine with that but I know he knows that his FATHER never follow through with what HE says and that he thinks he’s going to walk away tonight with a bottle of Perc to either swallow at one time or sell.

Heh. Silly boy.

Because I know that I have arthritis aspirin for my dog that looks JUST LIKE Percocets. I also think that it’s good to have antibiotics in the house since I don’t have health insurance and am prone to flus and virus’ and stuff.

I know.. I know.. I’m bad. Emailing me all you want.

So we get back to the house.. he does his oil of clove thing.. I give him an antibiotic and the Perc placebo and guess what he does?

Puts his jacket on and heads out to God knows where.

Like I said, he’s just like the cat!

He came back at around 10.. slept until around 2 this afternoon.. got up.. wanted more pills.. and then hit the highway again.

He’s back now.. has been back for oh, 3 hours or so.. and guess what? Hasn’t asked me for his “pills”. I’m sure he’s gotten the real stuff from whoever during his travels but I have to admit, I giggle when ever I think about how stupid junkies really are!

Some Things Need To Be Locked Away

Even though I write three other blogs, I’ve kept this one alive for a reason..

1. There’s some pretty funny shit on here

and

2. Sometimes I need to get things off my chest without having everybody know who I’m talking about.

If it was just me and my screwed up antics, that would be one thing. I freely wave my “fucked up” flag with boldness.. but it isn’t just about me, it’s about people in my life with their own family and friends.. and while I would gladly post pictures, names, addresses, phone numbers and license plate numbers of SOME people, I can’t.

And so here I am…

And these are the deeds…

First, to catch up on some stuff, we’re moving.  Loooooooooooooong story here that I’m not going to bore you with but by January 31st, we’re going to be planting out asses 8 hours away from where we’re at now.

That’s good and bad. Bad because I’m going to be so far away from my family and friends and well, my shelters from the storm. Good because we’re going to be that far from the Crack Whore.

She is whom the picture on this post is referring to.

So where to begin with that? Well, there’s the whole child support thing. 43.00 a week for two kids. She didn’t pay July, August or September so the courts sent out a summons to appear. She paid it two days before the court day and told Chief not to show. He went anyway because that’s what you’re suppose to do. She didn’t show. Didn’t look good for her but because she had paid it, oh well.

The she skipped October, November and December. Another summons. Another court date on Dec 8th. Another call telling him not to show. Only this time she didn’t pay anything and on the day of court, he showed up.. she didn’t. The courts called her.. she asked for an extension. They said no way.. she would have until the end of the following day to pay it or else they would issue a bench warrant.. she still hasn’t paid and now there’s another hearing on Feb 28th.

Because her reality is clouded and because she refuses to accept responsibility for her actions, she went around telling the boys that their “… asshole father is trying to put her in jail for missing ONE month”. That’s a direct quote there.

Just to make sure we are absolutely clear here:

HE didn’t call anyone… the courts automatically schedule a date after three months of non-payment

SHE missed more then ONE month.

Now.. with all that in mind.. two things happened the week of their court date that made me slam the door on anything and everything that even remotely has to do with her.. regardless of whether her kids are involved or not.

The weekend before the court date, we were upstate trying to secure a place to move to. She knew where we were and what we were doing so at the last minute, she tells Spaz that he can’t stay at her place the weekend because she had plans. It was too late for us to cancel what we were doing, so we told Bubba that he was going to have to babysit Spaz.

Not the best situation but we hung a baby sitting fee in front of Bubba and that kid will do anything for cash. The house was stocked with food.. Spaz would probably sit in front of the PS3 until he fell asleep and Bubba would do the same in front of the computer so we really weren’t that worried.

We got a text message from her at 6pm slamming Chief about leaving Spaz home by himself.. how he’s just a little boy.. how it was illegal and she was going to call the police.

I’m not going to go into the whole back and forth thing. I’m just going to say that all attempts to contact Bubba on his cell phone went unanswered… all attempts to get the Crack Whore on the phone went unanswered.. and here we are 4 hours away in a snow storm wondering what the fuck was going on at home. Did Bubba go out and leave Spaz alone? Why wasn’t he answering his cell phone? Why wasn’t SHE answering HER cell phone if she was so worried.. did she pick up Spaz? Was he still home??

The only response we got from her after leaving numerous voice mails and text messages was “… u no ur wrong. leave me be”

That’s a direct quote there.

You know you’re wrong.. leave me be.

So not knowing ANYTHING and not being able to FIND anything out, we drove the 4 hours back, through a snow storm and lost the money we had already put out that we couldn’t afford to lose.

We were NOT happy campers by the time we got home and both kids got yelled at. By me. Because make no mistake about it, they were at fault to.. but not as much as she was. She is supposedly the adult and she knew exactly what she was doing when she did it. If she was really THAT concerned, then why not call? Why not alter your plans?

The truth of the matter is that she had no plans. Spaz was bored because Bubba wouldn’t let him on the computer and he called her to go over to her house. She couldn’t/didn’t want to pick him up.. he didn’t want to walk.. and his attempt at getting what he wanted was to tell her he was by himself.

So. Did this man of mine get in touch with her and ream her for her part in this? No.

Fast forward two days. It’s a Monday night (3 days before court) .. Spaz has homework that he doesn’t want to do. He says he wants to go to the youth group that he hasn’t been to in 5 weeks. When I bring up that he hasn’t been there for 5 weeks, he gets an attitude with me and says something sarcastic about him not knowing that he wasn’t allowed to go to church anymore.

Still reeling from the weekend, I tell him that because of his attitude, I’m not taking him to church. He can call the Crack Whore for all I care. He does and she agrees to take him. Now.. you think that she would pick him up, right?

His group ends at 9. At 9:20, I get a call from him that he needs a ride home. Mind you, it’s freezing out and it’s late. Chief gets up, gets dressed and head out. Within 3 minutes of his leaving (I know this because I was making microwave popcorn at the time).. my cell phone rings and it comes up with the Crack Whore’s number. I answer and it’s Spaz. He asks if his father had already left.. I said he did.. he said that the Crack Whore picked him up. There’s no way to get in touch with Chief so I tell him that they’re going to have to turn around. They were no more then three blocks away. IF that.

Maybe it’ll be easier for you to relate from the picture on the right.

My house is Point A.

The Church is Point B.

Where Spaz was when he called me saying that the Crack Whore has picked him up is the red X.

Not far at all.

So I hang up and within the next five minutes, Spaz comes walking in the door.

I asked him where his father was.

He said that she wouldn’t turn the car around.

Um.

EXCUSE ME?

Knowing that there was no way to get in touch with Chief because he didn’t have the cell phone on him, SHE WOULDN’T TURN AROUND and go back to the church.

Is it me, or was that the ultimate “fuck you”?

So now here’s this guy.. not finding the kid who had JUST CALLED saying that he needed to get picked up not where he was suppose to be.. at night.. in freezing temperatures.. in an empty parking lot.. freaking out because he can’t find his kid.

Why did you call, Spaz? When she showed up, why didn’t you just wait, SPAZ????? I’m asking him these questions while I’m putting on my coat. There was nothing else to do but walk to the church hoping to see Chief somewhere between here and there to tell him that Spaz was home.

And believe me.. I was NOT quiet about having to do it and with Bubba and Spaz sitting there wide eyed I told them ALL about their vaginal incubator. I can’t even stomach calling her their “mother” because “mother’s” don’t do shit like this. Mother’s don’t say things to their kids that shouldn’t be said (the doozy of all examples coming up in a sec)..

Cousin Bird, who lives right near the church wasn’t answering her phone. I had hoped that she could drive over there. Bubba asked me if I wanted him to call the Crack Whore. I told him that as sure as I was standing there, I would drop her on her simple ass. He volunteered to walk with me but I didn’t want to be around anyone that shared her DNA.

I got half way to the church when Bubba called telling me that his father had come home. He didn’t have to say anything, because I heard him screaming at the top of his lungs at Spaz.

I hoofed it home to find Spaz crying in his bedroom and Chief in our bedroom. I tell him that what she did was the ultimate in “fuck you’s”. He agreed. But did he yell at HER as bad as he yelled at Spaz? Nope. Never even confronted her.

That was when it all ended for me. HE might allow her to pull HIS puppet strings but she wasn’t pulling mine anymore. I could give a rat’s ass about her or anything having to do with her. I blocked her phone on my cell and blocked her email address.

Oh.. but it gets better.

When we made the decision to move to another state, Chief’s father had come over and we were discussing it with him while Bubba was on the phone with the Crack Whore. That wasn’t on purpose. We were already talking when she called and I guess she asked who was over and what we were talking about and Bubba told her. When she found out where we were moving and how far it was, she flipped out.

This is what I heard Bubba saying:

“.. he has full custody”

“.. that’s going to piss him off”

“.. that’s a mortar shell”

When he hung up with her, he tells us that she said that he wasn’t going to take Spaz. That Spaz wasn’t his son.

You read that right. SHE said to BUBBA that SPAZ was NOT Chief’s SON.

She said she was going to go to court and have a DNA test done to prove it.

Chief’s response was that he didn’t care.. Spaz was his son. He raised him. He was his. Then he took the dogs outside because I don’t think he wanted Bubba to witness any other kind of emotion from him then confidence.

Bubba wanted to talk to me about it. All I said was “.. oh, that’s real nice” but then explained to him that if she did go to court and Spaz wasn’t his, then he had every right to sue her for 12 years of support. And she would have Spaz.. what was she going to do, try to remember every guy she fucked behind a dumpster and sue them for child support? Because SHE was going to look SO GOOD in front of a judge… right?

Bubba said she had the mentality of a 5 year old.. I told him I had the intelligence of a 45 year old. Who did he think would win?

And did Chief ever say anything to her? Anything at ALL about saying that shit to their 15 year old son? Nope.

Because he had the opportunity to… had it when she called him asking when we were moving and if we were taking Weed with us because SHE was moving and she wasn’t taking Weed. Nope.

And speaking of Weed.. who got picked up for a failure to appear warrant that they both blamed on us for not paying his fines. Um.. ok.. because how exactly does a failure to appear warrant have anything to do with fines?

And speaking of Weed.. who called up earlier to say that she had stolen the money he got for Christmas so she could get fucked up on pills so he broke her flat screen tv.. and then she started sending messages from her pimp’s boyfriend’s phone saying that she threw all his clothes out on the street and called the police because he broke her tv.

Because you’re going to call the police even though your fucked up on pills with the money you stole from your son. I told Weed, who was just as fucked up on something, that he should call the police on her for theft.. since, you know, she has a felony burglary rap already.

Chief told him he had no right to bust her tv.

I wanted to bust HIM in his bald head.

Puppet strings. See what I’m saying?

Weed wound up leaving the house after he had slept off whatever he was on.. Not sure where he went.. he didn’t even say anything when he left the house. I’m sure it was to get trashed again. We’re his clothes outside? Who knows? Did she call the cops? Who knows.

Chief said to me that he felt horrible thinking it, but he thought it would be a burden lifted if Weed and the Crack Whore got into one of their fights and he accidentally killed her. She’d be dead and he’d being doing life in prison and we’d be 8 hours away. Bold talk but did he mean it? Fuck no.

Because a puppet can’t move without a puppet master.

My plan.. not that anyone has ever asked me but I’ll share anyway.. is to move, get him and the boys settled.. make sure he can afford it and then leave. Come back to my family, my friends and my sanity.