The Things You See At 2am

Heh..

You know how people don’t expect certain people in one place or another .. or to be traveling the streets at oh.. say 2am?

Ok..

This is so ridiculous.. honestly, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

So I ran out of cigarettes, right.. so I check on Chief’s nightstand and he’s out too. Since I’m no where near tired, I figured I’d drive over to the local convenience store and while I’m out, swing on over by the Dunkin’ Donuts. He’s usually up around 430 and I figured this would be a nice surprise.

I hit the convenience store first and then hit DD’s drive through. I get the coffee and for whatever reason, instead of turning right out of the drive way to take the normal route home, I turn left.

Turning left means driving through the really dark part of their parking lot and hitting three traffic lights before I get home so I really have no clue why I did that.

Must have been divine intervention because as I’m making the turn left and then making another short left my headlights swing across those big trash dumpsters and shine themselves on the Crack Whore giving one of the borough’s finest police officers a blow job.

Uh-huh.

You read that right!

Honestly though, it did catch me a little off guard. I mean, I heard the rumors and have been told stuff from other people but yknow.. I’m not going to say I DIDN’T believe them but it’s some something more credible when you actually see it for yourself.

And so I stopped the car.. with the headlights on them. It didn’t dawn on me then that they wouldn’t be able to see who was in the car because of the head lights.

She jumps up all wiping her mouth with the back of her hand while Dudley DooRight is all jittery trying to get his shit zipped up.

If only my cell phone camera had a flash!

She takes off like a wildabeast being chased by a Cheetah and he.. well, what can he do? Arrest me?? LOL!! Give me a fucking citation?? ROFLMAO!!!

And actually, I don’t know what to do… If I say something to him will he give me a perpetual pass for rolling through stop signs or will he be perpetually ON my ass? Could go either way and it’s not like every cop in this town doesn’t know who I am.. between Weed getting arrested and the time Chief got arrested and me getting into a fight yesterday and owning the only deli in town .. we’re like a warped rock stars..

So I just keep going without saying anything to him. He probably was thanking his higher being at the SAME time I was thinking, “.. yea. We’ll just going to tuck this one up my sleeve until it become necessary”

I drive out of the parking lot and turned right onto the main road up to my house. Now there’s only one or two street lights on this road because the whole right side is a cemetery. A cemetery that has a gate that’s always open and that people cut through all the time. And guess who I see walking up this road?

Yep.. the Wildebeast Crack Whore..

There’s no shoulder for me to pull over on and so I drive up to where the gate is and pulled into it just a minute or so before she would have gotten there.

I saw here flinch.. which, yknow.. I would have done also if I was walking down a dark road and a car pulls into the gate I was going to use to cut through the cemetery after being busted for blowing a cop behind the DD ..

Anyway.. so I I turn the over head lights on in the car so that she would at least know it was me and roll down the passenger side window.

ME: ( all cheery and shit ) HEY! What are you doing walking up here at this time in the morning? Did your car break down or something?

Yes. I am a bitch. A cunt, even. I keep telling people that and they never believe me!!! LOL!!

HER: (stuttering) Oh. No. Um. No. I. Um. <looking behind her> No. I. Um. Where are you going?

ME: (so loving this) I went over to get cigarettes and then swung by Dunkin’.. need a ride home?

HER: (cartoon eyes) When? Just now?

ME: Uh huh

HER: Just now this very second?

ME: Yea. Just now. Need a tissue?

HER: What?

ME: Do. You. Need. A. Tissue? You got something on your face.

And with that last statement she used her hands to wipe her face and said she had to go and took off around the car and into the cemetery.

And all I could say was OMG .. because really, as sad as it should be… it was fucking hysterical. Ahh.. life’s little moments!

Good Stuff: Dunkin’ Donuts Cheddar Bagel Twist

.. Ok

Is it ME or is the universe out to get me and my hips??

I mean come on…

CHEDDAR? BAGELS? .. I’m so fucking there!!

Picture stolen from the Dunkin' Donuts site! My bad.. but free advertisement.. right?

Anyone who’s been reading my blog for sometime knows that I used to hit Dunkin’ Donuts at LEAST four times a day.

A few reasons for that..

None of them justifiable, come to think of it. Just laziness, I guess.. but it was too freakin’ expensive to make those runs EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY .. so I did the math for Chief and after he put his eyeballs back in his head, we agreed to ween ourselves off and get used to cheap coffee made at home. So I haven’t been all up in what’s new at the DD.

Once in a while we treat ourselves and when I drove through tonight I saw this picture of this really, really tasty looking treat. So I got one.

It was so warm and .. and.. CHEESY that I sat in the parking lot and ate it in the car. I was afraid that if I drove the THREE MINUTES home, it would lose it’s warmth and wouldn’t be as good.

‘Cause.. like.. yknow.. it would have NOTHING to do with the fact that I was sttaarrrvviiinnggg and I committed to greatly reducing my bread and sugar in take starting on Monday.

Heh. I’m Italian.. I fucking live on bread but I’ll give it a shot.

Anyway.. If you like cheddar cheese.. like bagels.. and like it all warm and gooey :: get your minds out of the gutter please.. it’s still early! :: then I suggest you give it a try.

Lets me know how you likey!!

Black Friday Shopping.. Further Proof That I’m A Masochist

… so hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and that it was everything that you wanted it to be.

Mine was relatively quiet :: for the life that I live anyway :: .. Chief cooked a fabulous turkey, made fresh cranberry preserve, mashed potatoes and that green bean thing that has those crunchy deep fried onions on. My father in law brought over these sweet potatoes that Chief’s brother makes that were SO FUCKING GOOD! There were apples in there and pineapples and OMG.. it was SO FUCKING GOOD!

We ate around 3.. my father in law was out the door by 4:30 :: he can’t see well at night to drive so as soon as the sun moves behind a cloud he’s on his way :: and then the boys went off to the Crack Whore’s.

Beings that we were going to be home alone, I had visions of some porn and pokin’ but the stuff that’s in the turkey that makes you tired kicked in and after the emergency run to get sewer main unblocker :: yes, the sewer backed up into our basement again :: I was down for the count.

NOTE: Yes, we wound up getting a turkey late Wednesday night.. because, yknow, tradition and all. Shame you can’t see the eye roll I just gave right then!

Anyway.. so 4:30AM .. read that again.. 4:30AM.. my cell phone starts ringing. I jump out of bed.. trip over Bella.. slam my knee into the foot board.. step on the cat and drive for the phone in the dining room.

It’s Bird.

YOU UP??? I’M UP! WE STILL GOING SHOPPING??????

Ok.. so earlier on Thanksgiving, I was going through the circulars and one of the department stores had 50.00 flannel shirts for 8.00. So I happen to mention to Bird that I SHOULD get up at be at the store when they open to grab a few since that’s what I was going to get my father in law for Xmas anyway.

The ONE time that the bitch takes me seriously!!

I kind of feel bad because her sleeps schedule is all fucked up so for her to be up at that time either took some serious effort on her part OR some serious meds.

Fine. So I tell her to come pick me up and she said that she was going to wake up her daughter, Peep, to come with. Peep is home from college and I’m sure the last thing she wanted to do is wake up at 430am to go shopping on Black Friday.

Anyway.. so they get to my house by 5 and Bird is WIRED.

I mean W.I.R.E.D

She’s like a bobble head anyway but OMG.. she was all over the map. I asked her if she had had coffee :: because coffee makes her seriously spaz :: but she said she didn’t even take an energy pill. She’s doing fifty things at once.. pulling out all the circulars from the paper and showing me what she needed to get and all I’m telling her is that she BETTER stop at a Dunkin’ Donuts because I can’t get through this without some serious caffeine.

I should have known what she had issues ordering two large coffees, one with milk and sugar and one with extra sugar and cream that this how adventure was NOT going to be good.

Further proof was when she goes speeding the three blocks from the DD to WalMart and is YELLING at the guy at the red light to turn when he had NO intention of turning and then playing chicken with an old lady for a parking spot.

She has this BIG silver truck and between the old lady trying to jockey her little Toyota .. cars trying to get down the row and cars trying to get up the rows and the poor guy just trying to get out of the parking space, I just knew I was going to die and it was the one time that I voluntarily put my seat belt on.

Then the old lady starts yelling at her.. she starts yelling at the old lady and my chin is literally on my knees because as rough and tumble as I am.. I’d rather just park at the farthest end of the parking lot and walk just to avoid all the drama.

So I’m yelling at her to stop acting the way she is.. Peep is yelling at her to stop acting the way she is.. and the evil demon that has possessed poor Bird turned it’s head and spewed green pea soup before telling us both to shut the hell up.

WalMart is usually a mad house but this was even worse then my vivid imagination could conjure. There were cattle shoots sets up with sadistic cops from three counties welding electric prods to keep the masses in line.

And there were masses.

BELIEVE ME .. there were masses.

The majority there to pick up flat screen tv’s at ridiculous prices all with their nickers in a twist because they were sold out. If you ask me, there were never any tv’s to sell out but that’s just my Wal-Mart Conspiracy Theory thought.

Bird was pissed but figured while we were there getting pushed and shoved and prodded, we might as well pick up a paper shredder.

A paper shredder? Are you fucking kidding me?

But a paper shredder she grabbed and then it’s standing and standing and standing and standing in line to purchase it and I swear I should have just walked the five blocks home.

We finally get out of the line and it was on to the next store. Kohls.

I have to say that even thought Kohl’s was crowded, the were organized. To me, WalMart people don’t usually shop at Kohl’s and so the whole experience was completely different. Then again, Kohl’s doesn’t sell tv’s and radios and the like ..

So Bird and Peep go running around grabbing this and that and I’m just wondering when the hell I’m going to be able to just go buy the flannel shirts. Bird keeps telling me to buy things.. do some of my shopping.. but I’m not prepared financially to do that so basically I’m just there to carry bags.

Kohl’s had a great check out set up. You stood in the main line away from the cashiers and when one was free, a Kohl’s person directed you to the open cashier. It made things move along a lot quicker and was less stressful then having all these people rolling their eyes and shifting right behind you in your personal space. We spent around an hour and a half in there but really, it wasn’t so bad.

Then on to Sears. Apparently, Sears was selling flat screen tv’s at a ridiculous price too and Bird was able to scoop up the last one. But that was a WHOLE process in itself and by this time, I really just wanted to go home. But I sucked it up and got through the sale. Next stop, Boscov’s because Bird wanted to buy herself a ring.

I think I have to state for the record that indecisiveness is a huge pet peeve. Especially indecisiveness while shopping. I’m the kind of shopper that scans a store and if nothing jumps out at me, I move on. For Xmas shopping, I have a list. And I stick to my list. And if something on my list isn’t available, I do a quick scan and move on.

Bird buying herself a ring from her husband for Christmas was the epitome of indecisiveness and by this time, I was ready to crack and on the verse of a breakdown.

The funny thing is, a woman also buying a ring asked me how old I was. When I told her 44, she was shocked because she thought I was in my early 30’s. Then she commented that Bird must of had me REALLY early in life.

Bird looked like she was going to blow a gasket and I just chuckled to myself at how sweet revenge really is.

We FINALLY got out of there and FINALLY made our way to JC Penny’s to get my flannel shirts.. which took all of… I dunno.. 15 minutes? Most of that spent in line?

Then back to Sears to pick up the tv and then to the supermarket to pick up clams and clam juice for the New England Clam Chowder that Chief was making.

By the time I got to the store, I had been with Bird and Peep for 5 hours and it was literally the worse 5 hours of my life.

I’ll never do that again…

EVER!!!

SuperMarket Etiquette

Today at the supermarket, I had a not-quite-so-little run in with someone over in the meat department… then then moved to the check out lines.. which then lead into the parking lot.

Who knew people would get so damn territorial about the last family pack of chicken breasts on sale for 1.79 a pound?

It all started when a woman was standing in front of the as-fore-mentioned family pack of chicken breasts on sale for 1.79 a pound.. and obviously couldn’t decide if she was going to stick it up her ass in her cart or not. So I.. being the COURTEOUS shopper that I am, passed the meat section and went down a few other aisles to give her time to really REALLY mull over her decision.

I had to be away about a good 10 or 15 minutes. I know it was pretty long because I, myself, was indecisive about buying Nutrisse Garnier Hair Dye #40 or #46.

Hey.. it’s a big decision. SO big that my grey roots are probably about an inch long.

Pressed for time, I decided to deal with the hair later and went back to the meat department.

Chicken lady was still there and I didn’t have much more time to waste :: my Dunkin’ Donuts coffee was getting cold in the car :: so I went there, excused myself with the sweet, little smile I use in situations like this :: and grabbed the last family pack of chicken breasts that were on sale for 1.79.

HER: What do you think your doing?
ME: Excuse me? ( no sarcasm yet )
HER: I was buying that?
ME: What?
HER: You heard me.. I was buying that?

<< this is where the sarcasm starts >>

ME: You were WHAT?
HER: I was buying that
ME: You were not..
HER: I was so..
ME: Ma’am.. You’ve been standing here for God knows how long. If you were going to buy it, you would have put it in your cart by now
HER: How do you know what I was going to do. Do you know what I’m making for dinner tonight?
ME: Clearly not chicken.. because I’M making chicken and I INTENDED to make chicken which is why the chicken is in MY cart.
HER: ( getting really loud ) YOU! YOU OWN THAT STORE DOWN THE ROAD! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE???
ME: I don’t sell chicken.

And then I just walked away because OBVIOUSLY this woman had been tweeking with her medication.

So I go up to the check out lines and you know.. it’s a Friday.. so it’s kind of crowded.. I grab the latest edition of People Magazine and start reading it. Secretly hoping that I’ll finish it before it’s my turn so I don’t have to actually buy it.

A few minutes goes buy and out of the corner of my ear I hear:

Well, I was GOING to buy the last pack of chicken breasts but SHE almost grabbed it right out of my hands and wouldn’t give it back.

I wasn’t going to turn around.. I really wasn’t. I know my momma raised me better then that.

But you know, my father didn’t.

So I turn around and tell her that she just needs to give it up. If you can’t decide to buy that last family pack of chicken breasts at a 1.79 a pound in FIFTEEN minutes then the laws of the super market say it’s fair game. Or something like that.

She then says that she is on a fixed income.. and why the HELL should I buy chicken at 1.79 a pound when I own a store and CLEARLY can afford to pay full price.

My response?

.. because I need to afford the fuel to my private jet so that I can fly to my Hawaiian getaway and watch the sunset every other night.

While this was going on, my stuff was being checked out so it wasn’t very long before I paid my bill and started to my car.

I was literally laughing out loud at the whole thing while walking to my car.. and while loading the stuff into my car.

You can’t tell me that God doesn’t have a sense of humor because guess who was parked in the row behind me, two cars over…

Yep.

Chicken Lady..

Still calling me out about the damn chicken.

I felt like getting the chicken out of the car… ripping open the package and slathering myself with it.. but then I wouldn’t have anything to cook for dinner tonight so I appeased myself by just giving another variety of bird.

All that made me think of a post that I read a long time ago by The Jenni.

It took me hella long to find it but I’m copying it here because.. really.. it’s just too good not to read:

There should be a contract that all people of the earth should have to sign before grocery shopping. Grocery store etiquette has gotten way out of control lately people! Todays grocery shopping experience was enough to make me want to hire a personal shopper so I don’t have to deal with the madness. Here are a few things on my personal grocery store etiquette list:

-Just because you drive a Hummer, doesn’t mean your shopping cart is bigger and better than mine. I have shopping to do also, and I drive my shopping cart nicely. Drive friendly people! Its only groceries not a race to the finish!

-If you decide you need to ponder which macaroni is really the cheesiest, make sure your cart is not parked in the CENTER of the isle. No one can get around you either way, and we don’t feel like watching you slowly sprout roots where you are standing. Park to one side or the other, preferably on the same side that your roots have sprouted so other people can pass you without having to bump into your cart or your bootie.

-When shopping in the produce department and have a sudden allergy attack, please at least cover your mouth, or a great idea- flee the area. I do not feel like watching your saliva and snot fly through the air and onto the grapes I wanted to buy before you contaminated them. And please use the hand you didn’t just cover with germs to squeeze the tomatoes, Id like to go home without your DNA if at all possible.

-If you bring your children, please pay attention to them. I don’t feel like chasing your four year old because he is threatening to eat the raw meat he snagged from my cart. I am not Captain Salmonella, but that can’t be healthy. If you decide to drive them around in the giant green car shaped cart, please be aware that people have ankles, and they do not enjoy having them run over. Once again, just because your cart is bigger and greener and shaped like a race car or a truck, doesn’t mean it is better than mine. See rule #1.

-If I am walking in the isles and you are following behind me, make sure you have ample room in case I decide to actually stop my cart and grab something. I do not enjoy being rear ended. Please pass to the left if you feel I am walking too slowly. Do not tailgate, it’s just not nice, and it makes me feel rushed.

-If I have ten items or less I use the checkout that is labeled quite clearly “10 items of less”. If you have 45 items, you need to go to a different checkout. I will be happy to help you count, but if I’m in that lane, I only count to ten sorry.

-Tapping me in the butt with your cart will not speed up the checkout line. Plainly there are other people in front of us, and it is not your turn yet. Be patient, or things could start to get ugly. Your warning will be a dirty look, after that I can’t promise there won’t be condiments thrown at you.

-If I am loading my items onto the conveyer belt, please wait until I have emptied my cart before loading your items in behind mine. I will signal you when I am finished by politely placing a plastic divider on the conveyer after my last item. If I have not placed the plastic divider yet, and I am still bending to grab items from my cart- that means I am NOT DONE YET. Please wait for me to empty my cart.

-If you are in front of me at checkout, and are about to sign your check, you are not allowed to go grab “just one more thing” before you pay. I don’t feel like waiting for you to find the panty liners you forgot. That is not my fault and I shouldn’t be punished for it. If you forgot something- too bad, go back to start, do not pass go-do not collect $200.

-And finally, just because you are a soccer mom and drive a Hummer does not mean that driving through the parking lot against the arrows is permissible. I don’t care how many kids you have and how many stickers you have for their teams on the back window of your SUV, the arrows are there for a reason.

It’s all about patience and politeness people! What happened to being polite and following the rules?

Dammit I forgot to buy Midol.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

… I can feel it

… Way down deep in my solar plexus

And even though one might say that I’m just being paranoid, I don’t think I am.

Yes, things are finally.. FINALLY.. going good. The shop turned a higher profit this month.. The kids are going back to school next week and they’re getting better at doing the things that they’re suppose to do. Of course, taking away the PS3 and computer access when they fuck up helps but all in all I really don’t have too much to complain about.

Heh.. well, hell I do but not something that’s getting in the way of everything else.

But here’s the thing…

Tonight Chief was later then usual getting home from the shop. When he DID get home, he had walked instead of taking the truck and stopping by the Dunkin’ Donuts drive thru. Highly unusual for him because he can’t get through the night without coffee and since our “real” coffee maker :: read as the one that you put on the stove to perc :: melted because he forget that it was perking away and he would rather DIE then drink auto-drip :: which really doesn’t make sense because like Dunkin’ Donuts doesn’t auto-drip? :: he always stops on the way home from work.

So I asked him about it and he just shrugged it off and said that he felt like walking… but I knew that that really wasn’t the case. I figured he didn’t want to say anything because Spaz was seated at the dining room table so I went into the kitchen and sure enough, he followed.

He told me that he walked home because there were two cop cars passing in front of the store as he was getting ready to leave… Now rewind a little because for the last few days, I’ve been noticing that the police are driving down my block way more then usual. There are only something like 4 cop cars in my borough so to see them as often as I have is kind of strange.

He told me that last night when he drove home he saw one car circling the block from the left and the other circling the block on the right and got the feeling that they were wanting to catch him driving.

Last week or so, he got a notification in the mail from the state that his driver’s license has been suspended because of the outcome of his court case and he believes that the police department has just received their copy. This is a small borough and because of the shop.. because of his arrest..  because of the crack whore.. because of Weed.. it’s not like they don’t know who he is.

He seems to think that they’re just waiting to catch him driving and so they’re driving around the store at closing.. and the house during the time he would usually arrive home.

It felt like there was an elephant on my chest and the only think I could say was “…. why can’t they just leave us alone.”

I can’t understand with all the bullshit that goes on in this town, they have a bullseye on his back. It’s like they are pissed off because they weren’t able to get that big headline they were looking for when they arrested him and because they know that HE knows that they lied, they’re looking for something to throw on him.

NOTE: For those who haven’t read about that whole ordeal with him being arrested, read the posts under the TRAVESTY category

Chief seems to think that they’ll move on to other people to harrass in a few weeks and everything will be back to normal and until then, he’s just going to not drive.

But I’m not so sure.

I’m worried because I’m still PTS-ing over what happened in January. If they can lie and get away with everything then, what are they going to do next? There’s no one to give me answers. There’s no one who I trust to tell me the truth about what’s really going on. And to be perfectly honest, I’m scared of getting sucked into all this.

I’m trying to think of every damn base to cover.. to anticipate what they might do and it’s making me crazy.

Of course, it’s 2:15am and he’s snoring away while my mind can’t stop racing.

I’m making mental check lists of things that I want to get done tomorrow.. like make sure this house doesn’t have one spec of dust or puddle of dog piss anywhere in case they decide to “revisit” the living conditions that are on record from January.

I need to change the burned out bulb on my rear brake light so that they don’t have a reason to stop my car when I’m driving it.

I need to cover the cracked lens with that red transparent tape so that they don’t have a reason to stop mycar when I’m driving it.

I need to fucking insure both the car and the truck. I don’t normally drive without insurance but since I was laid off and wasn’t really driving much anymore, I wanted to catch up on some outstanding bills so I let the policies lapse.

I need to tell him that I don’t think it’s such a good idea for Weed to keep coming around the store. That’s going to be a hard one to convince him to do because of that whole “father/son” thing going on but I get goose flesh everytime he walks in… and because I know he still does what he does, I don’t want him anywhere near me or Chief…

I already told him that I don’t think it’s a good idea that he carries anything on him… they may not be able to stop a person for just walking down the street without cause but again, I don’t trust them to not think of SOMETHING to stop him for.

I’m going to have to get dog’s licenses and start putting the older one on a leash, even though I am not required to have her on a leash if she’s on my property but God forbid if she takes a step on the pavement… are they going to swoop down on us?

I know this sounds ridiculous… that maybe I am being overly cautious at best.. paranoid at worst but if you lived through what I lived through then I think you’d be able to see my point.

The other thing I’m worried about is that if.. for some unknown reason.. he does get arrested again, there’s no one to turn to for bail.

I was talking to my father-in-law one day last week and he was telling me that he doesn’t like the idea of Weed always coming around the store. I told him I didn’t either and he said that he was afraid that Weed was going to get Chief in trouble again and if he did then “.. there wasn’t going to be anyone to bail him out again.”

I got the message loud and clear and I can’t say that I blame him. If Chief isn’t going to take any precautions to protect himself from the trouble that Weed causes, then why would they bail him out again?

I’m just waiting for other shoe to drop now. Because it is. I know it.