Spaz: Part I

No.. tis is not Spaz. This is kid is far too small to be him!

… so yesterday afternoon Chief tells met hat we have to pick up more school pants for Spaz.

At the beginning of the school year, the Crack Whore bought him tan linen pants to wear as part of his uniform.

Yes.. I said LINEN.

Who does that??

Anyway.. it’s not like I anticipate her doing anything that will make sense and I’m sure she mentally gave me the middle finger when she bought pants that had to be dry cleaned.

‘Cause like I said.. she doesn’t know what it’s like to be a parent 24/7 so buying pants that he would be wearing 5 days a week.. that had to be dry cleaned.. completely swirled through the void where her brain used to be.

If she ever had a brain in the first place.

At any rate.. so yesterday we went to one of the discount places in the area. I wasn’t looking to spend a lot of money because a) we don’t have it and b) his legs are far to short for the size of his waist so he winds up destroying the hems by walking on them.

The pants that he was wearing were a 34 waist. That’s Chief size. And yes, he’s 12. His weight became an issue the last three years and even though I constantly harp about what he’s eating, the amount of food that he’s eating, when he eats, etc. It’s fallen on deaf ears. I buy “healthy” things when I shop.. but even too much healthy stuff turns unhealthy and then you have the uber-chef who firmly believes that cooking everything in butter is the 11th commandment and that food = happiness, you have a recipe for a morbidly obese kid who is too young to make proper choices and an environment where there are two many un-healthy choices. And you know, there are four other people in the house who like what they like and it’s not fair to deny them because of one person.

More on that later..

Anyway.. so we buy two pairs of pants. One a size 34 and one a size 36. Both are relaxed cut so there is more room around the middle. I didn’t think there would be an issue with them fitting.

Boy was I wrong.. and what a shock it was.

The 36’s “fit”. Spaz complained that they didn’t fit but that was only because he was used to wearing clothes that were too big for him. The last lot of clothes the Crack Whore bought him were 38 pants and 2X shirts. He’s so damn short that the shirts looked like dresses and even if I hemmed the jeans they would have looked like cargo shorts.

The 34’s didn’t even button.

So last night I told Chief that he really needed to be diligent in monitoring Spaz’s food intake without making it obvious to his brother’s. He plates our food in the kitchen before bringing it out to the dining table so he has the opportunity to alter Spaz’s plate without it being obvious.

And look, he used the kitchen of both a hospital and a special needs school. He’s more versed on nutrition and dietary needs then the average person.. you just have to want to do it.

So what does he make him for breakfast? Two eggs, cheese and pork roll on a croissant. My arteries seized just thinking about it.

He knew he screwed up though.. especially after I happened to come across a piece of paper from the school that documented Spaz’ height, weight and BMI.

Guess what? The kid is 62.5 inches tall and a whopping 187.4 lbs.

Really.

All I could say was “wow” when I saw it and I waved it in Chief’s face and said DID YOU SEE THIS?? WHEN DID YOU GET THIS?

Apparently it was sent home in Spaz’ school folder.

And then I went over again how dangerous.. soo dangerous.. this is for the kid. Diabetes run’s in Chief’s family, number one but he’s open to all kinds of health risks.. all types of mental issues.. hygiene issues.. you name it and I pleaded with him to stay keep it in mind when he’s cooking.. when Spaz asks if he can get a soda or chips off the front porch..

We were on our way to the supermarket when I stated AGAIN the need for this kid to eat better.. get more exercise.. there’s no reason why he can’t walk home from school. Granted, mornings are a different story but in the afternoon? Chief said things will be different in West Virginia. I told him that that’s three weeks away.. do you want to give him the opportunity to gain MORE weight in three weeks?

With all that in mind, we made sure we bought more fruit then usual.. more sugar free and no fat snacks.. things that I could take from their container and put in the cookie jar and there would be no evidence that what he was eating wasn’t laden with sugar and fat. Individual containers of apple sauce was a good buy.. even trail mix and nuts. Animal crackers were also surprising low in fat and sugar. Plain oatmeal that we can add bananas or cinnamon to ourselves. We also bought fruit bars instead of ice cream.. Oh… and hummus and pita bread (I cut them up and popped them in the oven to be used for dipping) .. things that are healthier for you tends to be more expensive but you have to do what you have to do.

Spaz eats out of boredom.. I’ve been saying that for years. Plus, he’s food obsessed. He’ll ask what Chief is making him for breakfast right after dinner. The first question out of his mouth when we either walk in the house or he walks in the house is “.. what’s for dinner?”

Tonight, we had chicken for dinner with corn and oven roasted potatoes. About a half hour after dinner, Spaz knocked asked me where the Saltine crackers were. Why, I asked. He said he wanted cheese and crackers. Some how.. he found the can of spray cheese. I hate that stuff. Chief likes it so he hid it behind the cat food. Somehow, Spaz found that but didn’t see the big box of crackers right in front of him.

I told him that we had JUST finished dinner.. he said he was still hungry. I told him there was fresh fruit and dried fruit and all kinds of other things that he could eat as a snack later on.. it was too soon to eat now. He hemmed and hawed and I told him that he could have a snack now or later but then that’s IT. Of course, he wanted it now and so I pulled three crackers out of the sleeve and squirted about a dime size dollop of fake cheese on each one.

That’s it, he whined.

Take it or leave it, I said.

He took it.

He didn’t like.. but it is the way it is and he needs to get used to it.

I also mentioned to Weed on the sly to keep an eye out on Spaz after we go to sleep in case he sneaks out into the kitchen. His bedtime is 10.. ours isn’t much later.. but Weed is usually up to the wee hours.

Look.. I know how hard it is to be an overweight child. I know how hard it is to be an over weight adult. But I also know that if he doesn’t learn how to eat properly now, he’s leaving himself open for a lot of hardship later on.

If any of you have any suggestions, they’d greatly be appreciated!!

My Man’s Meat..

Smoked Pork .. Nummy Nums!!

Oh.. get you’re mind out of the gutter!!!

Those pictures are on my other blog!! LoL!! Just joking!

I was cleaning out my camera and found these pictures of pork butts that Chief was smoking.

We had a catering order back in November for a country line dance night at the local fire hall.

When we catered it last year, they wanted the standard stuff :: roast beef, meat balls, stuffed shells :: which were all good but when they came in this year, he talked them into a menu that was kind of related to country music more then stuffed shells were.

So he came up with Carolina Pulled Pork, Chili Braised Beef Brisket, Black Bean and Corn salad, Smokey Baked Beans, Spanish Rice and Home Made Corn Bread.

Oh. And salad.

Not having a real smoker didn’t stop him. He used our charcoal grill and some of the huckleberry wood from our tree out back.

NOTE: You can use any fruit tree to smoke but DO. NOT. USE. PINE. WOOD. like I had suggested because DUH! Where do you think Pine Sol comes from?? LoL!! THIS is why HE is the chef and I’m not!!

He let it smoke for something like a day.. going out every hour or so to flip them over and to baste them with a mixture of  cider vinegar, crushed red pepper, salt and water.

Oh.. before he even started to smoke it, he rubbed the meat down with brown sugar, cayenne pepper, salt and chili powder.. wrapped it up tight in plastic wrap and let it sit in the fridge for two days.

Let me tell you something, the aroma was AMAZING and everyone in our neighborhood was salavating!

Too bad it was for a catering gig, huh?

No worries, he had made another one for us!!

But seriously, it was really.. really easy to do and the meat just split right off of it with a fork.

I never had anything soooo good in my life!

So if you get the ambition to give it a try, let me know how you make out.

No.. in fact, invite me over for dinner and I’ll let you know myself!!

Favorite App: My Fitness Pal

Ok.. first I have to admit that I am SO ADDICTED to my iPhone that it almost never leaves my hand and…. I don’t even have the PHONE SERVICE for it!!! I wasn’t into paying the bill when I knew I was getting laid off so I cancelled the phone and got one of those unlimited text / unlimited call phones for 39 bucks a month.

But anyway… so I’m always downloading new apps and stuff like.. ALL the time.. and OMG!! This app is so. freakin’. awesome!!

It’s called My Fitness Pal and while it’s basically a calorie counter / diet tracker.. it is SO MUCH MORE!!!

I think everyone probably knows that I’m a size 16 by now and even though I’m kinda okay with that, the fact that my uber-chef husband will die believing that EVERYTHING tastes better with butter, bacon and deep fried means that I have to really be careful to not gain anymore weight.

I used to be a size 24 and got down to a size 14 by watching what I ate and walking.. walking.. walking. It took about 2 years but if you understand that it’s healthier to lose the weight at the same pace you put the weight on,  it’ll keep you clear of “quick fix” diet pills or starvation or unhealthy stuff like that.

So really, going up one size isn’t so bad considering the meals he used to make us ( since I’m in control of dinner now, we eat a lot healthier ) but I noticed that a pair a shorts I haven’t worn since last year were tighter then I remembered them, I said to myself, “.. Self! There has to be an App for that!!”

So I found MFP and when you first sign into it, it asks you your current weight.. height..  how active you currently are.. how much time you want to devote to exercising and how much weight you’d like to lose in a weeks time.. and then it does it’s magic and tells you what your projected calorie count is per day.

So you start logging what you eat .. they have a HUGE database of almost everything you can think of.. and then you enter the type of exercise you’ve done and for how long (.. that is, if you even get around to doing it) and the app keeps a running tally of how many calories you have left to consume.

It also starts accumulating the foods you routinely eat for easy finding!

The funniest thing is that KNOWING I’m going to log what I eat made me more selective and careful about what goes in my mouth and how much..

And I’m now drinking more damn water then a water buffalo instead of the usual coffee cup glued to my left hand!!

So maybe I should warn you know of potential caffeine withdrawal!!

The other think I like about this app is that it’s synced with MFP’s website so you can track your stuff and log your stuff online without having to use our iPhone… or your iPod Touch ( it’s compatible with both! )

And it’s free!!!!

It doesn’t cost anything to download or utilize the web site.

So if this is something that you can use :: if you don’t need it then I hate you!! LOL!! :: then give it a try and let me know how  you like it!

All You Can Eat.. But Not Enough Time To Do It

Is is me or do all Chinese Buffets look the same..???

So yesterday, I got together with two really, really good friends that I used to work with.

You know how people say, “.. we’ll get together?” or “.. keep in touch!!” or “.. we’re going to misssssssss you!!’ but they you don’t.. and they don’t.. and half the time you can’t remember someone’s name let alone miss them..

But these two gals, Cass and Chica became more then co-workers.. we became really good friends.

And so every once in a while we make it a point to get together for dinner somewhere in the middle between them and me.

Yesterday we made plans to meet a local Chinese Buffet that is WAY more then a Chinese buffet food wise.

It has everything.. and even though they have a more then usual assortment of more then the same old kinds of seafood dishes, there’s always something that I can eat. Seafood makes me blow up like a puffer fish and spasm on the ground.

Ok.

TMI.

I understand.

Anyway.. so yesterday we meet up for dinner and it’s early. Something like 4:30. Hell.. most people aren’t even home from WORK yet. I say that because the place was empty. Only about three other tables were full beside ours.

Now, I don’t know about you.. but buffets make a HUGE profit off of me because I really don’t eat a lot. Generally one place with a sample of six or seven things and then a second plate of fruit. :: I don’t know what that red stuff is they put on their bananas but it’s freakin’ AWESOME ::

This was the first time Cass and Chica were there so I got the stuff I wanted and then sat back down at the table and waited for them. It took them about five or so more minutes for them to sit but when they did, we got to catching up. And you know.. food was secondary on our thoughts.

Chica had recently bought a new truck .. her daughters were in Puerto Rico for the summer with their grandparents and she was making us laugh about this guy that she met.. and that other guy she went out with recently who’s sending her text messages telling her how he couldn’t live without her and wants to move her and her daughters to Texas.

Funny stuff.. especially because Chica has the same attitude and sarcastic wit that I do .. only with a heavy PR accent.

Cass has been fighting breast cancer and horrendous arthritis .. she had a double masectomy.. recently had reconstructive surgery.. both her hair and eyelashes are growing in .. her mom’s Alzheimer’s is getting worse… just a lot of stuff. But Cass handles it with humor and wit and we were rolling over in hysterics trading stories.

But we weren’t eating.

And the two waitress’ that were standing at the station behind our table noticed.

They kept on coming over to the table to see if there were dishes that need to be bussed or drinks that needed to be filled.

We finally figured that we better eat and get more plates so that they would leave us alone.

We did.. and the same thing happened.

But you know me.. I don’t take to that kind of pressure nicely.. ESPECIALLY because there weren’t people waiting for a table. If the place was busy, that’s one thing. In those cases, I usually just down my food and get the hell out of there.

So we’re talking.. laughing.. eating.. and even before we even made a DENT in our second plates, the waitress came over with the check.

Without Fortune Cookies.

Talk about saying “fuck you”.. huh?

No Fortune Cookies???

But we’re talking and eating and nibbling this and nibbling that and before you know it, the food is gone and we’re still sitting there talking.. and talking.. and talking.

The woman at the cash register kept looking over and the waitress’ kept buzzing around and finally we were like,  “.. we better get out of here.”

So we paid and left and honestly, I didn’t remember to leave a tip. I swear it wasn’t intentional.. we we’re just engrossed and it didn’t happen. I don’t have any excuse for that, tho. As much as they were pressuring us to leave, I wouldn’t purposely NOT leave a tip.. especially at some place I like going to.

Now we’re outside sitting on their benches yaking away.. and away.. and away.

Cass is starting to get stomach pains and gets ready to leave because she doesn’t want to have an accident in her pants on the way home.

She was wearing white pants so it’s completely understandable!

But OMG! She left her sun glasses at the table. We start laughing because no one wants to go back in there but finally they both vote for me because.. well.. I really don’t give a shit.

So I go up to the desk and say to Cashier Girl, “.. I left my sunglasses at the table.” making a motion that I was going to go over there and get them because I didn’t want her to think that I was bypassing protocol and seating myself.

She gets ballistic on me NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YOU NO LEAF NO THING!! TABLE CLEARED! TABLED CLEARED!

I have expected Ninja’s to drop from the ceiling the way she was acting.

So I was like, “.. No. Really. The glasses are at the table.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FIND NO THING. TABLE CLEARED!! TABLE CLEARED!!

Find.. whatever.. I’ll buy Cass another pair of freakin’ sunglasses.

So I go back outside and tell Cass. She wanted to let it go but because her eyelashes are still growing in and it was the time of day when driving in the sun is brutal, she was afraid that her eyes would tear too much and she’d cause a 980 car pile up on the highway.

So she goes back in and a few minutes later, she came out with her sunglasses. She tells me that they did have a pair behind the counter that were actually, nicer then hers but she went over to the table and found hers on the floor underneath.

We all got a good laugh out of it but it got me wondering… are ALL chinese buffets that way or just mine?

Probably just mine, huh?

… And NOW

.. I have to make fried pork chops for dinner.

Can you just FEEL the excitement?

Bleck