Posts Tagged ‘Coffee’

I haven’t felt like posting lately …

No reason ..

Well.. there was an issue involving coffee and my laptop but that’s been fixed..

I’ve been trying to get my sleep schedule back to something relatively normal .. not that I’ve been successful but being on the laptop all night doesn’t help any ..

But anyway..

Nothing major is going on .. nothing major has changed .. just going with the flow and almost managing the damage!! LoL!!

The situation with Baby Faith is still the same .. the original lawyer said that getting custody of her was going to be an up hill battle but didn’t seem to want to fight the good fight .. so another lawyer has been approached.

Let me tell you something tho .. Faith is one sweet, sweet baby. Yesterday I babysat for her for a few hours and she’s such a sweetheart and I swear she was giggling at my feeble attempts to change her diaper!

There was also a minor issue with Chief’s twin brother Sarge.

I’m not particularly fond of him because I can see right through him. He isn’t interested because he’s interested, he’s interested to get gossip. He doesn’t do anything unless it gives him some kind of leverage. He also has to have the latest and greatest and biggest and better. It’s stupid. It’s pathetic.

He also lies. A lot. About nothing..

Last week, him and his wife went to see Baby Faith. They didn’t go because they were excited to have her in the family, they wanted to go because Bird posted Faith’s picture and a fairly cryptic message on Facebook. He wanted to leave almost as soon as he got there.

Anyway.. Sarge’s stepdaughter is getting married this summer. Something her mother is over the moon about because she never thought her daughter would get married. Not going to go into the reason why but if you saw her, you’d understand why her mother was so excited.

Before I go further.. let’s get a time line here.

Last time I saw the bride to be? Never. Never met her. Never met her fiance. Although we are “friends” on FB, she never responded to any message I ever sent her congratulating her on her engagement or the sympathy note I sent when her aunt died. Her fiance is actually very nice. We post back and forth on FB.

Last time I saw or spoke Sarge’s wife? Last Christmas. Not the 2010 Christmas.. the 2009 Christmas. BEFORE her daughter got engaged.  I did send her a message after I found out her sister in law had died and she did respond thanking me. That’s it.

Last time I saw Sarge? A few months ago.. way before we closed the shop. I did wish them a Merry Christmas and  Happy New Year but never got a response back.

So imagine my surprise when Sarge pulled out his violin and started whining to Bird that me and Chief were mad at him and he has no idea why we were mad at him..

So imagine my surprise when Bird tells me that while they were discussing the upcoming wedding and it dawns on Bird that they are getting married on my birthday. Sarge’s wife insists that I told her that I definitely confirmed that I was going to the wedding.

Now.. let me make something even clearer here..

Since I don’t know this girl.. and have never met her.. I wasn’t under the assumption that we were even going to get invited. What started out as the swanky dreams of a newly engaged bride to be who wanted THE best of everything turned into a reception in a fire hall so.. yknow.. who knew if we were going to get invited or not.

So for me to say that I was I definitely going was a lie. For me to say that to someone I haven’t spoken to in over a year is a lie.

And I don’t like liars.

Liars and Thieves.. two things I despise the most and he’s both.

So ..

I happen to tell Chief that we are going away that weekend for my birthday. He was fine with it.. he doesn’t like his brother anymore then I do .. I will still send something to the bride because it’s the only right thing to do and I would have gone to the wedding if I was invited .. but not after now.

Am I wrong?

So .. around 3 this afternoon, this woman comes into the shop to pick up her 5lbs of Roast Beef .. Gravy and 2lbs of Provolone cheese.

Only one problem..

We didn’t have it..

Oh.. we had the order slip.

The order slip that was tacked up where the order slips should be tacked up with PICK UP: 01/22/10 @ 3pm written across the top in RED Sharpie.

Do you know how much red sharpie writing stands out on white paper??

Anyway.. the woman comes in and Chief is like, “.. OMG! Is it 3 already?”

He went on to explain to her that since she was picking it up today but her function wasn’t until tomorrow, he was waiting until the last minute to slice the roast beef and then time had gotten away from him because I had gone to the wholesaler and he got swamped.

All that was true except for the part that he was waiting for the last minute.

He wasn’t WAITING for shit because he thought the order was for tomorrow.

She says she doesn’t mind and said that she can come back right before we close but he was like NO.. NO.. Just give me about 15 minutes. She said that she had some errands to run and would be back in an hour.

I had walked in the middle of this, carrying an arm full of ham, bologna and cheese so I wasn’t really paying too much attention until she leaves and he says, “OH FUCK”.

I ask him what’s up and he tells me…

ME: Um…
CHIEF: What?
ME: Yea.. heh.. um…
CHIEF: You’re scaring me..
ME: Yea.. well.. you don’t have any roast beef.. well, not 5lbs of it anyway

I think he dented the floor when he fainted.

See.. today must have been Secret Roast Beef Hoagie Day ( or Sub .. if that’s what you call it ) .. because I swear to got I must have taken orders for at least 8 large ones and a dozen small ones.

Considering that our larges have a pound ( Yes, POUND) of meat on them and the small ones have half a pound.. that a FUCKING LOT OF ROAST BEEF.

He hadn’t realized it because I was the one doing all the slicing..

The wholesaler’s is about a half hour away .. so driving down there :: at almost rush hour :: running around the warehouse.. getting through the check out lines :: ALWAYS the wild card when it comes to time :: and then driving back wasn’t an option. No time.

So he puts his hands on my shoulders.. bends down to look me in the eye.. and says, “.. you know what you have to do, right?”

I gulp. “Do I have to?”

He nods. “You do.”

“This is going to SUCK”, I moan.

“It’s taking one for the team, babe”

So I start to drive down to the OTHER deli a few miles up the road.

I can’t really say that they’re a competitor because they aren’t really close to us.. and they’re in the part of the county where people still work so they can charge real prices. You know, the prices that generate a profit? They make the dollars.. we make the dimes.

Now.. I have a pretty neat little deli .. you can ask Goober because he’s been by.. it’s just that our store is in an area where most people are on food stamps and there isn’t the traffic that the OTHER place gets.

It just is what it is.

Anyway.. so now I have to go up to the Mecca of Deli’s to get three pounds of Roast Beef and 4 dozen catering kaiser rolls.

I have never been inside the Mecca before and thought that maybe I should stop somewhere and get prayer beads or something .. maybe tie a red string around my wrist .. but I didn’t have the time to do anything cute or quirky.

Anyway.. so I’m driving.. driving.. driving.. and I get to this major intersection and I’m like.. Um.. Hmm.. where the FUCK is this place?

So I call Chief and ask him if the Mecca is before the intersection or after.. he says after.. I thought it was before but ok. He grew up here, he should know. So I’m driving.. driving.. driving.. and I’m almost on the fucking interstate before I was like, “.. nah. I think I past it.”

Who says I don’t have the power of observation??

By this time, it’s almost 20 after 3 and I’m panicking because now I have to drive all the way back in the opposite direction and who knew how crazy busy the Mecca would be on a Friday afternoon.

I finally find it and snort that they need to do something because you can SO see it jumping out at you coming from the opposite direction!!

Anyway.. their parking is on the side of the store.. right off a side street. A side street that’s two ways for like.. a half a block. Wonderful.. backing out of the spot onto a narrow two way street in a station wagon is going to a chore. Hope I don’t run over the crossing guard.

So I walk into the Mecca and the clouds parted and the angels started singing monk chants.

I act all yknow.. whatever.. when I order the Roast Beef but secretly I’m drooling. The had 7 slicers. SEVEN!! That’s like.. well.. it’s kind of like you have to figure each slicer needs to bring in around 200.0o bucks a day to be worth their keep .. they had SEVEN!!!

We have three. Well.. two and a reserve.

So I call Chief… “omg! omg! you have to SEE this place! They have SEVEN slicers!”

I think he choked on his tongue!

Anyway.. so I get my order and it comes to $41.14. Which made me almost choke on MY tongue because the woman is only paying like 36 bucks at our store.. so we took a loss.

And you know that an order will never, ever be forgotten again!!

Anyway.. so I rush to the car  because I’m trying to beat the clock and as I’m backing out of the parking spot onto a narrow two way street during rush hour a car that was waiting at the red light on this narrow little street starts honking his horn at me…

I’M NO WHERE NEAR YOUR CAR ASSHOLE!! And I give him the finger. I would have given him the double flip for scaring the crap out of me with his horn but yknow.. I was driving so I couldn’t.

He starts yelling something at me and pointing at me and if I wasn’t pushing the clock I would have jumped out of the car and kicked his door panel.

NOTE: I have mentioned that I have terrible road rage, right??

So I’m able to maneuver the car onto the street without hitting the pole, the crossing guard or the wack job honking at me and proceed on my way.

Not two car lengths up the street, there were these girls walking and they started yelling, “CHRIS!! CHRIS!!” and were looking over to wear Mr. Honk Or I’ll Die was..

Oh fuck! He must have been honking at the girls to get their attention and they were calling his name.

Damn, I felt bad and now I’m mentally chastising myself for mentally getting all up in Honker’s grill.

Did you ever have an epiphany? One of those moments where the lights of Yankee Stadium go off in your head.. so bright that it burns the back of your eyeballs??



JUSTLIKETHAT it dawned on me that I had left my coffee cup on the roof of my car.. the kid honking and pointing was trying to tell me that.. the girls screaming CHRIS were actually screaming MISS.

I told myself how fucked up I was as I stopped the car :: in the middle of the street.. much to the annoyance of an on coming car :: and got out to grab my coffee.

My wonderfully still hot coffee that didn’t have the lid on tight enough so when I squeezed a little to hard getting back in the car, the styrofoam squished causing the lid popped off and spilled out all over my white shirt and puddled onto my lap.

But I make it back in the nick of time and everything is all together about three minutes before the customer walked back in to pick it up.

The worse part is.. at 6.99 a pound, the Mecca’s roast beef is a dollar more then ours but SO NOT AS GOOD .. and I’m not saying that to be biased. Our brand of roast beef rocks.

So lessoned learned.

The hard way… of course!

Today at the supermarket, I had a not-quite-so-little run in with someone over in the meat department… then then moved to the check out lines.. which then lead into the parking lot.

Who knew people would get so damn territorial about the last family pack of chicken breasts on sale for 1.79 a pound?

It all started when a woman was standing in front of the as-fore-mentioned family pack of chicken breasts on sale for 1.79 a pound.. and obviously couldn’t decide if she was going to stick it up her ass in her cart or not. So I.. being the COURTEOUS shopper that I am, passed the meat section and went down a few other aisles to give her time to really REALLY mull over her decision.

I had to be away about a good 10 or 15 minutes. I know it was pretty long because I, myself, was indecisive about buying Nutrisse Garnier Hair Dye #40 or #46.

Hey.. it’s a big decision. SO big that my grey roots are probably about an inch long.

Pressed for time, I decided to deal with the hair later and went back to the meat department.

Chicken lady was still there and I didn’t have much more time to waste :: my Dunkin’ Donuts coffee was getting cold in the car :: so I went there, excused myself with the sweet, little smile I use in situations like this :: and grabbed the last family pack of chicken breasts that were on sale for 1.79.

HER: What do you think your doing?
ME: Excuse me? ( no sarcasm yet )
HER: I was buying that?
ME: What?
HER: You heard me.. I was buying that?

<< this is where the sarcasm starts >>

ME: You were WHAT?
HER: I was buying that
ME: You were not..
HER: I was so..
ME: Ma’am.. You’ve been standing here for God knows how long. If you were going to buy it, you would have put it in your cart by now
HER: How do you know what I was going to do. Do you know what I’m making for dinner tonight?
ME: Clearly not chicken.. because I’M making chicken and I INTENDED to make chicken which is why the chicken is in MY cart.
ME: I don’t sell chicken.

And then I just walked away because OBVIOUSLY this woman had been tweeking with her medication.

So I go up to the check out lines and you know.. it’s a Friday.. so it’s kind of crowded.. I grab the latest edition of People Magazine and start reading it. Secretly hoping that I’ll finish it before it’s my turn so I don’t have to actually buy it.

A few minutes goes buy and out of the corner of my ear I hear:

Well, I was GOING to buy the last pack of chicken breasts but SHE almost grabbed it right out of my hands and wouldn’t give it back.

I wasn’t going to turn around.. I really wasn’t. I know my momma raised me better then that.

But you know, my father didn’t.

So I turn around and tell her that she just needs to give it up. If you can’t decide to buy that last family pack of chicken breasts at a 1.79 a pound in FIFTEEN minutes then the laws of the super market say it’s fair game. Or something like that.

She then says that she is on a fixed income.. and why the HELL should I buy chicken at 1.79 a pound when I own a store and CLEARLY can afford to pay full price.

My response?

.. because I need to afford the fuel to my private jet so that I can fly to my Hawaiian getaway and watch the sunset every other night.

While this was going on, my stuff was being checked out so it wasn’t very long before I paid my bill and started to my car.

I was literally laughing out loud at the whole thing while walking to my car.. and while loading the stuff into my car.

You can’t tell me that God doesn’t have a sense of humor because guess who was parked in the row behind me, two cars over…


Chicken Lady..

Still calling me out about the damn chicken.

I felt like getting the chicken out of the car… ripping open the package and slathering myself with it.. but then I wouldn’t have anything to cook for dinner tonight so I appeased myself by just giving another variety of bird.

All that made me think of a post that I read a long time ago by The Jenni.

It took me hella long to find it but I’m copying it here because.. really.. it’s just too good not to read:

There should be a contract that all people of the earth should have to sign before grocery shopping. Grocery store etiquette has gotten way out of control lately people! Todays grocery shopping experience was enough to make me want to hire a personal shopper so I don’t have to deal with the madness. Here are a few things on my personal grocery store etiquette list:

-Just because you drive a Hummer, doesn’t mean your shopping cart is bigger and better than mine. I have shopping to do also, and I drive my shopping cart nicely. Drive friendly people! Its only groceries not a race to the finish!

-If you decide you need to ponder which macaroni is really the cheesiest, make sure your cart is not parked in the CENTER of the isle. No one can get around you either way, and we don’t feel like watching you slowly sprout roots where you are standing. Park to one side or the other, preferably on the same side that your roots have sprouted so other people can pass you without having to bump into your cart or your bootie.

-When shopping in the produce department and have a sudden allergy attack, please at least cover your mouth, or a great idea- flee the area. I do not feel like watching your saliva and snot fly through the air and onto the grapes I wanted to buy before you contaminated them. And please use the hand you didn’t just cover with germs to squeeze the tomatoes, Id like to go home without your DNA if at all possible.

-If you bring your children, please pay attention to them. I don’t feel like chasing your four year old because he is threatening to eat the raw meat he snagged from my cart. I am not Captain Salmonella, but that can’t be healthy. If you decide to drive them around in the giant green car shaped cart, please be aware that people have ankles, and they do not enjoy having them run over. Once again, just because your cart is bigger and greener and shaped like a race car or a truck, doesn’t mean it is better than mine. See rule #1.

-If I am walking in the isles and you are following behind me, make sure you have ample room in case I decide to actually stop my cart and grab something. I do not enjoy being rear ended. Please pass to the left if you feel I am walking too slowly. Do not tailgate, it’s just not nice, and it makes me feel rushed.

-If I have ten items or less I use the checkout that is labeled quite clearly “10 items of less”. If you have 45 items, you need to go to a different checkout. I will be happy to help you count, but if I’m in that lane, I only count to ten sorry.

-Tapping me in the butt with your cart will not speed up the checkout line. Plainly there are other people in front of us, and it is not your turn yet. Be patient, or things could start to get ugly. Your warning will be a dirty look, after that I can’t promise there won’t be condiments thrown at you.

-If I am loading my items onto the conveyer belt, please wait until I have emptied my cart before loading your items in behind mine. I will signal you when I am finished by politely placing a plastic divider on the conveyer after my last item. If I have not placed the plastic divider yet, and I am still bending to grab items from my cart- that means I am NOT DONE YET. Please wait for me to empty my cart.

-If you are in front of me at checkout, and are about to sign your check, you are not allowed to go grab “just one more thing” before you pay. I don’t feel like waiting for you to find the panty liners you forgot. That is not my fault and I shouldn’t be punished for it. If you forgot something- too bad, go back to start, do not pass go-do not collect $200.

-And finally, just because you are a soccer mom and drive a Hummer does not mean that driving through the parking lot against the arrows is permissible. I don’t care how many kids you have and how many stickers you have for their teams on the back window of your SUV, the arrows are there for a reason.

It’s all about patience and politeness people! What happened to being polite and following the rules?

Dammit I forgot to buy Midol.

  • … in guns, God and the constituion
  • … I just pissed off about 90% of Americans! LOL!
  • … in that nasty three letter word :: no, not S-E-X :: G-O-D
  • … that given the choice, most people would do the right thing
  • … if I don’t get a pedicure soon the Sisterhood is going to revoke my membership card
  • … there is nothing wrong with freaky sex and vibrators
  • … people with piercings, body stretchers and full on tattoos are inhabiiting a “lifestyle” and won’t be stealing your corporate job!
  • … bald men are the sexiest thing in the world
  • … there is no justification for putting ketchup on scrambled eggs
  • … everyone is entitled to their opinions. Even when they’re wrong.
  • … that Abby is the killer on Harper’s Island
  • … white chocolate is far superior to milk / dark chocolate
  • … in lots and lots of pillows on my bed
  • … if people took a deep breath everything would be ok
  • … there has to be a scientific explaination for belly button funk
  • … you don’t appreciate what you have unless you work for it
  • … the US will fuck Israel big time
  • … this country is going to fail big time and those without common sense or work ethic will perish
  • … “labels” pigeon hole people into boxes they don’t necessarily fit in to
  • … the devil created fudge caramel swirl ice cream, shrink wrap plastic and Jack Russell Mixed puppies named Ernie
  • … that nothing feels nicer then getting into a bed with clean sheets right after a shower.
  • … the only thing better then getting into bed with cleans sheets right after a shower is getting all them all twisted and sweaty with Chief!
  • … pictures of naked men will ONLY freeze my computer :: with the 19in monitor :: when my boss is walking by my cube
  • … in love over hate.. tolerance over prejudice… lifting up instead of tearing down
  • … it is our moral obligation to help those when we can
  • … ignorance and complacency is far more dangerous then radical Islam
  • … people have a right to live their lives the way they see fit as long as it isn’t a detriment to me and mine
  • … marijuana should be legalized. Really. Do you know how fast this country would get out of debt with a tax on the 420?
  • … a good book is better then any Oscar winning movie or documentary
  • … that if I ever tried to Bible Thump somebody they would thump me back harder
  • … that there is no role for Tripe in the 21st century
  • … laughing at yourself is far better then laughing at someone else
  • … I better get a cup of coffee RIGHT NOW if I want to stay awake past 2pm