Posts Tagged ‘Innocent’

… I can feel it

… Way down deep in my solar plexus

And even though one might say that I’m just being paranoid, I don’t think I am.

Yes, things are finally.. FINALLY.. going good. The shop turned a higher profit this month.. The kids are going back to school next week and they’re getting better at doing the things that they’re suppose to do. Of course, taking away the PS3 and computer access when they fuck up helps but all in all I really don’t have too much to complain about.

Heh.. well, hell I do but not something that’s getting in the way of everything else.

But here’s the thing…

Tonight Chief was later then usual getting home from the shop. When he DID get home, he had walked instead of taking the truck and stopping by the Dunkin’ Donuts drive thru. Highly unusual for him because he can’t get through the night without coffee and since our “real” coffee maker :: read as the one that you put on the stove to perc :: melted because he forget that it was perking away and he would rather DIE then drink auto-drip :: which really doesn’t make sense because like Dunkin’ Donuts doesn’t auto-drip? :: he always stops on the way home from work.

So I asked him about it and he just shrugged it off and said that he felt like walking… but I knew that that really wasn’t the case. I figured he didn’t want to say anything because Spaz was seated at the dining room table so I went into the kitchen and sure enough, he followed.

He told me that he walked home because there were two cop cars passing in front of the store as he was getting ready to leave… Now rewind a little because for the last few days, I’ve been noticing that the police are driving down my block way more then usual. There are only something like 4 cop cars in my borough so to see them as often as I have is kind of strange.

He told me that last night when he drove home he saw one car circling the block from the left and the other circling the block on the right and got the feeling that they were wanting to catch him driving.

Last week or so, he got a notification in the mail from the state that his driver’s license has been suspended because of the outcome of his court case and he believes that the police department has just received their copy. This is a small borough and because of the shop.. because of his arrest..  because of the crack whore.. because of Weed.. it’s not like they don’t know who he is.

He seems to think that they’re just waiting to catch him driving and so they’re driving around the store at closing.. and the house during the time he would usually arrive home.

It felt like there was an elephant on my chest and the only think I could say was “…. why can’t they just leave us alone.”

I can’t understand with all the bullshit that goes on in this town, they have a bullseye on his back. It’s like they are pissed off because they weren’t able to get that big headline they were looking for when they arrested him and because they know that HE knows that they lied, they’re looking for something to throw on him.

NOTE: For those who haven’t read about that whole ordeal with him being arrested, read the posts under the TRAVESTY category

Chief seems to think that they’ll move on to other people to harrass in a few weeks and everything will be back to normal and until then, he’s just going to not drive.

But I’m not so sure.

I’m worried because I’m still PTS-ing over what happened in January. If they can lie and get away with everything then, what are they going to do next? There’s no one to give me answers. There’s no one who I trust to tell me the truth about what’s really going on. And to be perfectly honest, I’m scared of getting sucked into all this.

I’m trying to think of every damn base to cover.. to anticipate what they might do and it’s making me crazy.

Of course, it’s 2:15am and he’s snoring away while my mind can’t stop racing.

I’m making mental check lists of things that I want to get done tomorrow.. like make sure this house doesn’t have one spec of dust or puddle of dog piss anywhere in case they decide to “revisit” the living conditions that are on record from January.

I need to change the burned out bulb on my rear brake light so that they don’t have a reason to stop my car when I’m driving it.

I need to cover the cracked lens with that red transparent tape so that they don’t have a reason to stop mycar when I’m driving it.

I need to fucking insure both the car and the truck. I don’t normally drive without insurance but since I was laid off and wasn’t really driving much anymore, I wanted to catch up on some outstanding bills so I let the policies lapse.

I need to tell him that I don’t think it’s such a good idea for Weed to keep coming around the store. That’s going to be a hard one to convince him to do because of that whole “father/son” thing going on but I get goose flesh everytime he walks in… and because I know he still does what he does, I don’t want him anywhere near me or Chief…

I already told him that I don’t think it’s a good idea that he carries anything on him… they may not be able to stop a person for just walking down the street without cause but again, I don’t trust them to not think of SOMETHING to stop him for.

I’m going to have to get dog’s licenses and start putting the older one on a leash, even though I am not required to have her on a leash if she’s on my property but God forbid if she takes a step on the pavement… are they going to swoop down on us?

I know this sounds ridiculous… that maybe I am being overly cautious at best.. paranoid at worst but if you lived through what I lived through then I think you’d be able to see my point.

The other thing I’m worried about is that if.. for some unknown reason.. he does get arrested again, there’s no one to turn to for bail.

I was talking to my father-in-law one day last week and he was telling me that he doesn’t like the idea of Weed always coming around the store. I told him I didn’t either and he said that he was afraid that Weed was going to get Chief in trouble again and if he did then “.. there wasn’t going to be anyone to bail him out again.”

I got the message loud and clear and I can’t say that I blame him. If Chief isn’t going to take any precautions to protect himself from the trouble that Weed causes, then why would they bail him out again?

I’m just waiting for other shoe to drop now. Because it is. I know it.

.. so today was Chief’s scheduled pre-trial hearing.

What that means is that both sides show up and the prosecution shows what it has and then they decide what way they’re going to move forward… if it’s going to be thrown out or go to trial.

I thought today was going to be the beginning of the end but it got continued.


Chief said that it’s a good thing. It means that it means that they don’t have anything because if they thought they did, then it wouldn’t have been postponed as many times as it has.

Like I’ve said before, he’s 10000% innocent and if it wasn’t for the fact that the police lied and the “annonymous” informant lied then I wouldn’t be so much on edge.

Next court date is June 16th.

… back on March 20th, Chief had to go to court for a preliminary hearing. At that time, his lawyer told him that the could get him in the ARD program :: Accelerated something-or-other ::, probabtion, community service and some fines but nothing that would stick to his permanent record.

Chief’s response was that he didn’t care about his records .. that he had his own business.. but the lawyer said that he should care because it could following in a negative way if Chief needed to get a business loan or something like that.

The lawyer said that Chief had to make a decision.. either do what needs to be done to end everything and get on with our lives, or keep fighting and spending 1000.00 everytime the lawyer faced a judge.

He said it was harsh to hear but you can’t play fair with an unfair system and it was ultimately up to Chief to decide.

I could feel my eyes welling up with tears and the anger inside of me was unbelievable. I felt like everything I thought to be true about democracy, about our justice system, about police officers was trashed.

Chief did nothing… ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.. but because we can’t afford attorney fees he was going to have to plead to something he didn’t do?

We didn’t even really discuss it.. Chief just went ahead and signed the paper work for the ARD program and waive his rights to a preliminary hearing in the borough so that it would be moved to the county seat.

My stomach hurt.. I felt like throwing up.. but what choice did we really have?

I started thinking about how many other people were in prison because of the same situation.. because they couldn’t afford a lawyer or maybe because their family had already been through enough. It was really too hard to think about and too taxing to come to terms with the fact that this was the way it was going to be .. especially because Weed, the bastard, was still walking the streets dealing pills and pot.

Initially, Chief was told that the new arraignment would be today but that he wouldn’t have to go the arraignment in the county seat.. that the lawyer was going to go. But Sunday when we stopped at the shop, the lawyer had put his business card in the door with a note to call him and that it wasn’t an emergency.

I called and the lawyer said that due to an emergency, he was going to be out of town today and that Chief was going to have to go to court and plead “Not Guilty” himself. He gave the time and other instructions and then he said that he had bad news.

He said that because of a previous gun charge, Chief would not be eligible for the ARD program.

NOTE: He was never convicted of a gun charge. Back when he was 17, his older brother got into a fight or something and there was a gun involved. Nobody was shot or hurt or anything, but because his brother was over 18 at the time and would have really fucked up his life with a gun charge, Chief took the wrap. Nothing ever became of it except a dusty blurb in his record of youthful mischief.

The lawyer went on to say that he didn’t know there was a gun charge and I told him that it was in the original warrant. He mumbled something but it pissed me off because OBVIOUSLY this jerk off didn’t even READ the warrant.

Chief said that he was glad he wasn’t able to get ARD because now he could just do what he wanted and fight the charges and we would do whatever needed to be done to see this thing through… even hire another lawyer because OBVIOUSLY we’re having serious second thoughts on this one!

So today he went up to the court house and was formally arraigned. He was back in about 2 hours :: they take people without lawyers with them first :: and now the pre-trial hearing is set for May 20th (I think).

Chief explained that the pre-trial is when they would probably try to hash a deal leaving him with nothing but a posession charge and a fine.

Hopefully that’s the way it will work but it still turns my stomache.

Oh.. and one other thing…

The Annonymous Informer? The one that we’re almost 100% sure was involved and haven’t seen since this all happened?

Yea.. well.. he came into the shop yesterday. I was there and Chief told me to hold my tongue.

Apparently, he had been in earlier and started asking Chief questions about the case and something about Chief fucking up whoever went to the cops or some bullshit like that.

Chief was really calm and said that there was nothing to talk about because he had nothing to worry about and let it go at that.

He explained was ironic that this dude happened to show up the day before his arraignment and that there was every possibility that he was wired to see if Chief would say anything ..  or it could just be that the dude knows how Chief is and wanted to find out if Chief knew he was involved. He also said that if he was the informant and was called to appear, that there would be no way in hell that he would show his face.

This whole thing just makes me head spin.

There was no doubt that I was being put through the wringer with all this. When Chief and I got together, I knew that being a step-mother to three unruly boys was going to be hard and if you ever say the movie “Overboard” with Goldie Hawn then that’s probably as good a comparison as I can give you.

Unfortunately, I’m not a millionairess like she is in the movie.

But this was even harder on Chief. Not only was he the one that was arrested but because it had to do with his son. The son that he let fool him into thinking that he wanted to clean up his act. I can only imagine the hurt he felt. The feelings he had to struggle with. How one half of him loathes him and the other half loves him. I can’t imagine that internal struggle when faced with the fact that the son you held high hopes for fucked you over.

I wanted to keep the store closed Sunday but Chief wanted to open it.. give him something to do, I guess.. or have a sense of normalcy. So we opened. Bubba was with us and at some point during the day, Spaz called him. Chief told him that he was at the store and I expected him to come right over but a few hours went by and he didn’t.

The crack whore had called the store and Chief went off on her. I can’t remember exactly what he said but do remember him telling her that I was going to come over to get both Spazz and all their stuff and if she gave him a problem then he was going to come over with the police and charge her with kidnapping because she has NO custody rights at all to the kids.

I went over and collected Spaz and all the boys clothes. I knew at this point that she was telling the kids that Chief was going to jail and that she was going to get custody of them and that I couldn’t do anything about it.

This got under both of our skins but she’s an idiot and basically she’s counting on him to go to jail because her having the kids means that she gets more welfare and had already put in for emergency housing when she found out Chief got arrested.

But that’s another post for another time.

When me and Spaz were driving back to the shop, we saw flashing police lights. We pulled in front and here’s Weed outside the store. As I walk up, I shrugged my shoulders as if to say, “… what’s going on” and Weed started saying that Chief assaulted him in the store.

I was like, “.. didn’t I tell you to give him space? The he didn’t want to see you or have you come near him? Didn’t I tell you that I would get you the money you earned working?”

He said, “.. I don’t care about the money. I just wanted to talk to him”

I said, “… but I TOLD you he didn’t want to talk to you or come around. Why can’t you just leave him be?”

The cop asked me who I was and I told him and then he told Weed to leave. Weed gave him an attitude and the cop told him that if he didn’t change his attitude, he would take him in for disorderly conduct.

Weed left and I went into the shop where Chief told me that Weed came in and when Chief told him to leave.. that he didn’t have anything to say to him.. Weed got up in his face and Chief lifted him by his shirt and threw him out of the store and called 911.

All day, Chief was fighting his hands shaking. He was fighting his emotions. He was fighting his mind. And by 5:00 it had taken its toll.

We had to go to a local store to pick up latex gloves and on the way back to the store he was telling me that he couldn’t rest. That he wasn’t able to get his mind to stop racing. That he was afraid it wouldn’t stop.

I had asked him about one of the prescriptions that the doctor had given him and he said he refused to take it. That he was on it before and it made him worse.

I asked about it and he was more then reluctant to tell me. I told him that he could tell me anything. That I loved him but I needed to know what was going on.

He said that there are some things that a person just doesn’t want to talk about. I told him that he could trust me.. that I wasn’t going to think any differently of him. He told me about when things were really bad for him. When he would hear voices telling him that nobody loved him… that nobody would miss him if he died.. that he tried to commit suicide.

He tried to hang himself but the rope broke. He put a gun in his mouth but it jammed. He turned the oven on but nothing happened. He tried running a hose from the car’s exhaust but the car ran out of gas.

As trite as it may sound, he said that he realized there was a purpose for him to be here but now that his hand keep shaking he was scared that the same things were going to happen again.

Honestly, I can’t tell you how I felt. On one side, I was completely sympathetic and just wanted to hold him and tell him everything was going to be all right but on the other hand, I questioned what I had gotten myself into and if I was going to be able to get through it myself in on piece.

I had already been in a marriage with someone who was mentally damaged and even though there is no comparison between Chief and my ex, I didn’t know whether I would have the strength to go through it all again.

He wasn’t stable.. he couldn’t function right. He had difficulties doing everyday simple things. His mind couldn’t focus on anything and I didn’t know what was down the road for us. I didn’t know if the shop was going to be a casualty.. didn’t know if our relationship was going to be a casualty.

This was, by far, the hardest thing I was about to face.

Saturday started off with me going to the wholesale place. I really didn’t want to spend any money but knew that if I didn’t there wouldn’t be anything to really sell to make money. I kept it as lean as possible but still spent about 90.00.

Weed.. who had been given community service and who NEVER went to community service.. decided that on THIS Saturday, he wanted to go to community service. Jerk off.

But I took him… opened up the store and did the best I could to do things the way Chief does them.

It’s funny, I’m with him every weekend opening up but never realized just how much he did until I had to do it myself.. and remember what to do. The ins and outs.. how many rolls to put aside.. how to cook the bacon so it was just right enough for breakfast sandwiches. I was slow.. but he would have been proud of me and thankfully, I have really good customers’ that understood the situation.

By around 3 o’clock, I had all the bail money. I texted the lawyer to ask how I post it because no one at the police station would tell me and the courts were closed on Sunday.

While I was waiting for him to answer, the phone rang around 5 and it was Chief. I couldn’t believe it. I was so happy to hear from him that I sat on the floor under the slicers and started to cry. He told me what I needed to do with the bail money. That I had to drive up to the county prison after 8 that night and post it and he would be released.

So at 8, me and Bubba made the trip up. It took us about an hour and a half to get there. I knew where it was from when Weed was released and knew that you just basically sat in the parking lot until the prison guards told you want you needed do do.

We sat from 9pm until 12:45am. It wasn’t until then that the guard van had me follow them to the office building where they escorted me to the bail office and I posted bail. Then they escorted me back to the parking lot until around 4:30 when he was finally released.

I couldn’t believe that he was in front of me. I didn’t realize how much I had missed him and how much… even with all the bullshit that’s been going on.. that I loved him.

Understandably, all he wanted to do was smoke a cigarette and have a cup of coffee. He wouldn’t let go of my hand.

We stopped at a convenience store, got coffee and then because he hadn’t eaten anything real since Thursday, we stopped at an all night McDonald’s and had the best burgers we ever had in our lives.

It was on the ride that I found out that he hadn’t seen the warrant. I told him what was in it.. what it said.. who they were basing their summations on. We both knew Weed was somehow involved..

He said that all the uniformed officers were really nice.. that THEY knew he didn’t have anything to with what they were saying.. he said that the guards were really nice and that one of them actually let him use his cell phone. That he tried to gegt a hold of me but he didn’t remember the cell phone number correctly so he called his father. He said that while he was in the holding cell, the head detective came in to talk to him and he told him that he doesn’t sell pot, he smokes it. He asked who he bought from and he told them Harry. The detective came back with Harry’s picture and Chief id’d him. He said he knew Harry had had something to do with it.. that he was the only one hanging around the store that knew that Chief smoked AND he was asshole buddies with Weed AND with Eric, the guy who robbed our house.

It all fit..

The two anonymous informants with the same story COULD NOT be anyone other then Harry and his girlfriend Christine.

Chief reiterated that he didn’t want Weed anywhere near him. I told him that I made sure both Weed and the crack whore knew that.

Funny thing is, once Chief was released from jail and Weed had to stay at the crack whore’s, she completely changed her story and said that Chief WAS doing what they were accusing him of. She even went so far to say that “.. it even says so in the warrant.. that he admitted it to the police.”

Kids: see what drugs and a lack of education does to you?

That’s not what the warrant said.. and she knows it.

When we finally got home, I continued to fill him in on what was going on and whatever. He said that he hated the way they separated us. That one minute we were together and the next I was gone. That he was so worried about me and how I was handling things because he knew that he was okay but knew that I had no clue what was going on.

While he was in the hospital, they told him that he had on-set diabetes.. that he had a lung infection.. that he had high blood pressure and gave him a lot of prescription for a lot of things.

I can’t describe the feeling I had having him home but I also knew that this isn’t something that was going to go away.