Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

Is is me or do all Chinese Buffets look the same..???

So yesterday, I got together with two really, really good friends that I used to work with.

You know how people say, “.. we’ll get together?” or “.. keep in touch!!” or “.. we’re going to misssssssss you!!’ but they you don’t.. and they don’t.. and half the time you can’t remember someone’s name let alone miss them..

But these two gals, Cass and Chica became more then co-workers.. we became really good friends.

And so every once in a while we make it a point to get together for dinner somewhere in the middle between them and me.

Yesterday we made plans to meet a local Chinese Buffet that is WAY more then a Chinese buffet food wise.

It has everything.. and even though they have a more then usual assortment of more then the same old kinds of seafood dishes, there’s always something that I can eat. Seafood makes me blow up like a puffer fish and spasm on the ground.

Ok.

TMI.

I understand.

Anyway.. so yesterday we meet up for dinner and it’s early. Something like 4:30. Hell.. most people aren’t even home from WORK yet. I say that because the place was empty. Only about three other tables were full beside ours.

Now, I don’t know about you.. but buffets make a HUGE profit off of me because I really don’t eat a lot. Generally one place with a sample of six or seven things and then a second plate of fruit. :: I don’t know what that red stuff is they put on their bananas but it’s freakin’ AWESOME ::

This was the first time Cass and Chica were there so I got the stuff I wanted and then sat back down at the table and waited for them. It took them about five or so more minutes for them to sit but when they did, we got to catching up. And you know.. food was secondary on our thoughts.

Chica had recently bought a new truck .. her daughters were in Puerto Rico for the summer with their grandparents and she was making us laugh about this guy that she met.. and that other guy she went out with recently who’s sending her text messages telling her how he couldn’t live without her and wants to move her and her daughters to Texas.

Funny stuff.. especially because Chica has the same attitude and sarcastic wit that I do .. only with a heavy PR accent.

Cass has been fighting breast cancer and horrendous arthritis .. she had a double masectomy.. recently had reconstructive surgery.. both her hair and eyelashes are growing in .. her mom’s Alzheimer’s is getting worse… just a lot of stuff. But Cass handles it with humor and wit and we were rolling over in hysterics trading stories.

But we weren’t eating.

And the two waitress’ that were standing at the station behind our table noticed.

They kept on coming over to the table to see if there were dishes that need to be bussed or drinks that needed to be filled.

We finally figured that we better eat and get more plates so that they would leave us alone.

We did.. and the same thing happened.

But you know me.. I don’t take to that kind of pressure nicely.. ESPECIALLY because there weren’t people waiting for a table. If the place was busy, that’s one thing. In those cases, I usually just down my food and get the hell out of there.

So we’re talking.. laughing.. eating.. and even before we even made a DENT in our second plates, the waitress came over with the check.

Without Fortune Cookies.

Talk about saying “fuck you”.. huh?

No Fortune Cookies???

But we’re talking and eating and nibbling this and nibbling that and before you know it, the food is gone and we’re still sitting there talking.. and talking.. and talking.

The woman at the cash register kept looking over and the waitress’ kept buzzing around and finally we were like, ¬†“.. we better get out of here.”

So we paid and left and honestly, I didn’t remember to leave a tip. I swear it wasn’t intentional.. we we’re just engrossed and it didn’t happen. I don’t have any excuse for that, tho. As much as they were pressuring us to leave, I wouldn’t purposely NOT leave a tip.. especially at some place I like going to.

Now we’re outside sitting on their benches yaking away.. and away.. and away.

Cass is starting to get stomach pains and gets ready to leave because she doesn’t want to have an accident in her pants on the way home.

She was wearing white pants so it’s completely understandable!

But OMG! She left her sun glasses at the table. We start laughing because no one wants to go back in there but finally they both vote for me because.. well.. I really don’t give a shit.

So I go up to the desk and say to Cashier Girl, “.. I left my sunglasses at the table.” making a motion that I was going to go over there and get them because I didn’t want her to think that I was bypassing protocol and seating myself.

She gets ballistic on me NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YOU NO LEAF NO THING!! TABLE CLEARED! TABLED CLEARED!

I have expected Ninja’s to drop from the ceiling the way she was acting.

So I was like, “.. No. Really. The glasses are at the table.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FIND NO THING. TABLE CLEARED!! TABLE CLEARED!!

Find.. whatever.. I’ll buy Cass another pair of freakin’ sunglasses.

So I go back outside and tell Cass. She wanted to let it go but because her eyelashes are still growing in and it was the time of day when driving in the sun is brutal, she was afraid that her eyes would tear too much and she’d cause a 980 car pile up on the highway.

So she goes back in and a few minutes later, she came out with her sunglasses. She tells me that they did have a pair behind the counter that were actually, nicer then hers but she went over to the table and found hers on the floor underneath.

We all got a good laugh out of it but it got me wondering… are ALL chinese buffets that way or just mine?

Probably just mine, huh?

Heh..

You know how people don’t expect certain people in one place or another .. or to be traveling the streets at oh.. say 2am?

Ok..

This is so ridiculous.. honestly, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

So I ran out of cigarettes, right.. so I check on Chief’s nightstand and he’s out too. Since I’m no where near tired, I figured I’d drive over to the local convenience store and while I’m out, swing on over by the Dunkin’ Donuts. He’s usually up around 430 and I figured this would be a nice surprise.

I hit the convenience store first and then hit DD’s drive through. I get the coffee and for whatever reason, instead of turning right out of the drive way to take the normal route home, I turn left.

Turning left means driving through the really dark part of their parking lot and hitting three traffic lights before I get home so I really have no clue why I did that.

Must have been divine intervention because as I’m making the turn left and then making another short left my headlights swing across those big trash dumpsters and shine themselves on the Crack Whore giving one of the borough’s finest police officers a blow job.

Uh-huh.

You read that right!

Honestly though, it did catch me a little off guard. I mean, I heard the rumors and have been told stuff from other people but yknow.. I’m not going to say I DIDN’T believe them but it’s some something more credible when you actually see it for yourself.

And so I stopped the car.. with the headlights on them. It didn’t dawn on me then that they wouldn’t be able to see who was in the car because of the head lights.

She jumps up all wiping her mouth with the back of her hand while Dudley DooRight is all jittery trying to get his shit zipped up.

If only my cell phone camera had a flash!

She takes off like a wildabeast being chased by a Cheetah and he.. well, what can he do? Arrest me?? LOL!! Give me a fucking citation?? ROFLMAO!!!

And actually, I don’t know what to do… If I say something to him will he give me a perpetual pass for rolling through stop signs or will he be perpetually ON my ass? Could go either way and it’s not like every cop in this town doesn’t know who I am.. between Weed getting arrested and the time Chief got arrested and me getting into a fight yesterday and owning the only deli in town .. we’re like a warped rock stars..

So I just keep going without saying anything to him. He probably was thanking his higher being at the SAME time I was thinking, “.. yea. We’ll just going to tuck this one up my sleeve until it become necessary”

I drive out of the parking lot and turned right onto the main road up to my house. Now there’s only one or two street lights on this road because the whole right side is a cemetery. A cemetery that has a gate that’s always open and that people cut through all the time. And guess who I see walking up this road?

Yep.. the Wildebeast Crack Whore..

There’s no shoulder for me to pull over on and so I drive up to where the gate is and pulled into it just a minute or so before she would have gotten there.

I saw here flinch.. which, yknow.. I would have done also if I was walking down a dark road and a car pulls into the gate I was going to use to cut through the cemetery after being busted for blowing a cop behind the DD ..

Anyway.. so I I turn the over head lights on in the car so that she would at least know it was me and roll down the passenger side window.

ME: ( all cheery and shit ) HEY! What are you doing walking up here at this time in the morning? Did your car break down or something?

Yes. I am a bitch. A cunt, even. I keep telling people that and they never believe me!!! LOL!!

HER: (stuttering) Oh. No. Um. No. I. Um. <looking behind her> No. I. Um. Where are you going?

ME: (so loving this) I went over to get cigarettes and then swung by Dunkin’.. need a ride home?

HER: (cartoon eyes) When? Just now?

ME: Uh huh

HER: Just now this very second?

ME: Yea. Just now. Need a tissue?

HER: What?

ME: Do. You. Need. A. Tissue? You got something on your face.

And with that last statement she used her hands to wipe her face and said she had to go and took off around the car and into the cemetery.

And all I could say was OMG .. because really, as sad as it should be… it was fucking hysterical. Ahh.. life’s little moments!

Ok.. I know you’re waiting for the main event but I have to throw this in first because I happened to mention it to Chief a few weeks ago and earlier today he brought it up so I’m throwing it out there for y’all..

Google toilet seat images.. you'll be AMAZED at how many really cool toilet seats there are. Who knew?

This thought had popped into my head that I will put my bare ass on a toilet seat, but if I had to sit on one with my pants up, I get all skeeved out.

Why?

Wouldn’t you think that because my ass is protected from the toilet seat by a layer of denim that it wouldn’t bother me?

It’s like I’m favoring my jeans from getting some type of demin-eating-disease over my skin and ass?

How can that possibly make any sense?

Well.. in my world it does but you know what I’m saying..

The other thing is that I will sit on the toilet lid with my pants up .. but NEVER EVEN CONCEIVE of the idea if my pants are down.

Isn’t that like a double standard?

Because wouldn’t you think a CLOSED toilet lid is CLEANER then the seat since ours is always up anyway and there are any number of bare asses that sit on the seat beside mine?

Which is why.. yknow.. I always spray mine down with the handy bottle of Clorox Clean-Up I keep on the bathroom window sill.

So I randomly mention this to Chief a few days ago and he is all.. yknow.. why didn’t I find out her real name was Abby Normal before I married her.. until this morning when he tells me that he realized that HE just can’t sit on the toilet seat with his pants up.. even for a few minutes.. he tried and just can’t do it either.

So I’m putting this out there for you, Blog-O-Sphere…

Can YOU sit on a toilet seat with your pants up??

Wanna know what I did??

Really?

You REALLY want to know??

Ok..

I did THIS:

You know.. I can appreciate being frugal.

I might even appreciate being “cheap” in certain circumstances.

But this right here??

That there.. to the left?

That’s just being a douche bag.

I know you’re confused.. so let me explain.

You know that WWJD: What Would Jesus Do? thing?

I mess with Chief by saying WWCS: What Would Chief Spend?

‘Cause he HATES spending anything over a dollar.

Now.. pepper.. well, pepper isn’t really as inexpensive as you would think it is and he uses a lot of pepper in the deli.

So he ran out of it and when we went to the supermarket last night, refused.. REFUSED.. to spend the $2.25 or something like that on a bottle of pepper.

It was like “.. buy the pepper.”.. NO! “.. just buy the pepper!” NOO! “.. would you just buy the GODDAMN PEPPER!!!!” NOO!! “.. BUY the FUCKING pepper ASSHOLE!!” NO!!!!

I slam dunked the pepper bottle into the cart but somewhere between the pepper aisle and the check out line he ditched it.

So this morning when he NEEDED the fucking pepper to make the potato salad and cole slaw and macaroni salad and tuna salad and chicken salad.. guess what? He needed pepper.

So guess what I had to do??

I had to tear open about a THOUSAND itsy bitsy teeny weeny pepper packs that we have laying around for customers that want pepper on the side.

And yes.. I cursed under my breath :: and sometimes out loud :: while doing this and when I was half way through and he took the pepper that I had already accumulated, I dumped a few packs in my palm.. stood behind him.. called his name and when he turned around blew it on him.

I don’t think he stopped sneezing yet!!

Told him he should have bought the pepper!!!

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