Posts Tagged ‘Drive Thru’

… I can feel it

… Way down deep in my solar plexus

And even though one might say that I’m just being paranoid, I don’t think I am.

Yes, things are finally.. FINALLY.. going good. The shop turned a higher profit this month.. The kids are going back to school next week and they’re getting better at doing the things that they’re suppose to do. Of course, taking away the PS3 and computer access when they fuck up helps but all in all I really don’t have too much to complain about.

Heh.. well, hell I do but not something that’s getting in the way of everything else.

But here’s the thing…

Tonight Chief was later then usual getting home from the shop. When he DID get home, he had walked instead of taking the truck and stopping by the Dunkin’ Donuts drive thru. Highly unusual for him because he can’t get through the night without coffee and since our “real” coffee maker :: read as the one that you put on the stove to perc :: melted because he forget that it was perking away and he would rather DIE then drink auto-drip :: which really doesn’t make sense because like Dunkin’ Donuts doesn’t auto-drip? :: he always stops on the way home from work.

So I asked him about it and he just shrugged it off and said that he felt like walking… but I knew that that really wasn’t the case. I figured he didn’t want to say anything because Spaz was seated at the dining room table so I went into the kitchen and sure enough, he followed.

He told me that he walked home because there were two cop cars passing in front of the store as he was getting ready to leave… Now rewind a little because for the last few days, I’ve been noticing that the police are driving down my block way more then usual. There are only something like 4 cop cars in my borough so to see them as often as I have is kind of strange.

He told me that last night when he drove home he saw one car circling the block from the left and the other circling the block on the right and got the feeling that they were wanting to catch him driving.

Last week or so, he got a notification in the mail from the state that his driver’s license has been suspended because of the outcome of his court case and he believes that the police department has just received their copy. This is a small borough and because of the shop.. because of his arrest..  because of the crack whore.. because of Weed.. it’s not like they don’t know who he is.

He seems to think that they’re just waiting to catch him driving and so they’re driving around the store at closing.. and the house during the time he would usually arrive home.

It felt like there was an elephant on my chest and the only think I could say was “…. why can’t they just leave us alone.”

I can’t understand with all the bullshit that goes on in this town, they have a bullseye on his back. It’s like they are pissed off because they weren’t able to get that big headline they were looking for when they arrested him and because they know that HE knows that they lied, they’re looking for something to throw on him.

NOTE: For those who haven’t read about that whole ordeal with him being arrested, read the posts under the TRAVESTY category

Chief seems to think that they’ll move on to other people to harrass in a few weeks and everything will be back to normal and until then, he’s just going to not drive.

But I’m not so sure.

I’m worried because I’m still PTS-ing over what happened in January. If they can lie and get away with everything then, what are they going to do next? There’s no one to give me answers. There’s no one who I trust to tell me the truth about what’s really going on. And to be perfectly honest, I’m scared of getting sucked into all this.

I’m trying to think of every damn base to cover.. to anticipate what they might do and it’s making me crazy.

Of course, it’s 2:15am and he’s snoring away while my mind can’t stop racing.

I’m making mental check lists of things that I want to get done tomorrow.. like make sure this house doesn’t have one spec of dust or puddle of dog piss anywhere in case they decide to “revisit” the living conditions that are on record from January.

I need to change the burned out bulb on my rear brake light so that they don’t have a reason to stop my car when I’m driving it.

I need to cover the cracked lens with that red transparent tape so that they don’t have a reason to stop mycar when I’m driving it.

I need to fucking insure both the car and the truck. I don’t normally drive without insurance but since I was laid off and wasn’t really driving much anymore, I wanted to catch up on some outstanding bills so I let the policies lapse.

I need to tell him that I don’t think it’s such a good idea for Weed to keep coming around the store. That’s going to be a hard one to convince him to do because of that whole “father/son” thing going on but I get goose flesh everytime he walks in… and because I know he still does what he does, I don’t want him anywhere near me or Chief…

I already told him that I don’t think it’s a good idea that he carries anything on him… they may not be able to stop a person for just walking down the street without cause but again, I don’t trust them to not think of SOMETHING to stop him for.

I’m going to have to get dog’s licenses and start putting the older one on a leash, even though I am not required to have her on a leash if she’s on my property but God forbid if she takes a step on the pavement… are they going to swoop down on us?

I know this sounds ridiculous… that maybe I am being overly cautious at best.. paranoid at worst but if you lived through what I lived through then I think you’d be able to see my point.

The other thing I’m worried about is that if.. for some unknown reason.. he does get arrested again, there’s no one to turn to for bail.

I was talking to my father-in-law one day last week and he was telling me that he doesn’t like the idea of Weed always coming around the store. I told him I didn’t either and he said that he was afraid that Weed was going to get Chief in trouble again and if he did then “.. there wasn’t going to be anyone to bail him out again.”

I got the message loud and clear and I can’t say that I blame him. If Chief isn’t going to take any precautions to protect himself from the trouble that Weed causes, then why would they bail him out again?

I’m just waiting for other shoe to drop now. Because it is. I know it.

We sleep in. Believe me, THAT’S a novelty.

He suggests going to the flea market we had taken Spaz to the day he was being an obnoxious fuck and ruined everything.

It was going to be perfect weather for hanging out at a flea market so I get ready and we go.. getting there around 10am. We do what you do at flea markets and came away with something for the shop and bones for the dogs. We had seen everything there was to see by noon so I suggested we drive to the flea market that we always go to in the opposite state.

He thinks it’s a great idea so we head down there.

Now mind you.. I :: in no way :: forgot about everything that happened on Friday night. There were moments that I was overcome with such saddness but I was really trying hard to enjoy being able to do what we wanted without having to even think about the kids.

In fact, we had seen a really beautiful chest that someone was selling:

CHIEF: Wow. Look at that hope chest.

ME: Yea.. it’s really nice.

CHIEF: If we had a place to put it I’d get it for you.

ME: But I have no hope.

He let out this hearty laugh that he does when I say something that he doesn’t see coming but he had no clue that I was just being honest and didn’t say it as just a smart ass remark.

We get to the second flea market and while we’re walking around he gave an “OH WOW” at this one spot. I thought he was referring to the telescope the guy was selling but he was actually being sarcastic, referring to the coffee maker with a duct taped wire.

He started to walk away and I asked him if he saw the telescope. He said he didn’t and turned around to took look and then gave an “OH WOW” for real.

The thing was one of the ones that you can hook up to your computer and you can punch in coordinates and the telescope will automatically move there.

NOTE: Chief is REALLY into all things space. The first Christmas we spent together, I bought him a telescope. It was better then most but not one of the ones that cost the same as a mortgage payment. He loved it but never used it and is currently propped up between the desk and dresser in our bedroom with about 7 inches of dust on it. I also bought him a star from the National Star Registry.

He asks the guy how much he wants for it and the guy says 100.00. It is painfully clear to me that he wants it but the miser in him would never buy it. I ask him if he has a hundred on him and he said he did so I told him if he wanted it, then to get it and I would give him the money back if he felt some kind of way about spending it.

Considering everything that was going on, I started to get a knot in my stomach because he was obviously salvating over this thing and yet the one I gave him he never touched.

That may seem childish.. way immature.. and oh-so-girly but I’m only being honest. It’s no secret to anyone that knows me that for the most part I put out this I-AM-WOMAN-HEAR-ME-ROAR vibe but the truth is.. when it comes to him.. I never really feel on solid ground.

It wasn’t alway like that.. in the beginning I had too much confidence because I wasn’t emotionally attached. Now that my guard is down and I’ve given him my heart I’m always afraid of getting hurt. Cause this one would be devastating.

Even though he has more then enough money on him, he tells the guy he only has 80.00 and they guy takes it. He asks him if he could hold it until we finish lunch and the guy was like “sure”. As we’re walking towards the Farmer’s Market, he was like, “.. oh my God, what did we just do?”

Chief does NOT like spending money. At all.

So I said “..well, sometimes you just have to do it.” and continued walking.

Then.. just to see … well, I don’t know what I “just wanted to see” but I said, “I guess Spaz can have your other telescope.”

I WANTED him to say… was HOPING he would say, “… oh no, you gave me that telescope.”

Instead he said nothing and I was fighting harder then I ever did not to let the tears fall.

We go into the buffet place and he’s all blahblahblahblah about this stupid telescope and I can bearly eat. For me, the rest of the day was trashed. I just wanted to go home.

So we drive around to where the guy was and he puts the telescope in the back of my wagon.

As we drive the hour back to our house, I’m not saying nothing. In fact, all I did was drive. He wasn’t saying anything either but here, he fell asleep.

We get back to the house and I tell him I’m going to take a nap. He was like, “.. oh, thank God! I wanted to take on too but thought you’d think I was wussing out.”

I just took my glasses off and put the pillow over my head.

About an hour or so later, Spaz comes home. He knocks on the door and says that the Crack Whore wants to talk to Chief. Chief says that he’s sleeping so Spaz asks for me. Chief tells him that I’m sleeping too and whatever she has to say can wait.

Spaz says something like, “… well, that’s exactly what I’m going to tell her.”

I really don’t care at this point. Or at any point for that matter.

Chief winds up getting up and going out to the kitchen and I think I hear some kind of conversation about the telescope from the flea market that he set down in the dining room.

He gets back into bed and I roll over.. making a human burrito out of the blankets but I can’t fall back to sleep.

He had put the tv on and was flipping though the stations when Spaz knocks on the door again. He asks if he can have the telescope.

So.. obviously.. Chief heard me at the flea market and OBVIOUSLY he had already told Spaz.

I ask Spaz why he lied to me. Both of them looked at me like “.. wha???” and I said, “I asked you if you took a shower yesterday and you said you did. And I know for a fact that you didn’t.”

He put on the face he puts on when you catch him in a lie and he’s scrambling to get out of it. He said he DID take a shower.

I told him that the bathroom was the same way I left if after MY shower :: washcloth hanging on the hook, bottles with their caps on in the hanging shower holder thing, towel hanging on the rack, etc. ::

He doesn’t do anything but starts to lie again but I stopped him. I said, ‘.. you’re not getting the telescope today. I’ll give it to you tomorrow.”

He said that was fair and when he closed my bedroom door and noticed Chief looking at me, I was like “.. you got a problem with that?”

He was like “.. absolutely not” or something like that.

He was still flipping through the cable channels and stopped at the movie P.S. I LOVE YOU with Hilary Swank and Gerald Butler.

NOTE: Fantastic movie! Well.. anything with Gerald Butler is fantastic but this one is really really good.

As we’re watching it, Chief says to me, “.. I bet I know what you’re thinking ‘why doesn’t HE [Chief]die so he can send me love letter afterwards.”

I put on my thinking face and after a couple beats said, “Nah.. you’re not going to do something after your dead that you don’t do when your alive.”

He was like HEY!!!

I said, “.. “HEY” what? It’s the truth right?”

After the movie was done, I had to take a ride down to DeeDee’s mom’s house to drop off groceries. He says he’ll take a ride with me. So we go and it doesn’t take that long but I’m still feeling some type of way.

The boys had already had dinner so he suggest we grab something and eat somewhere outside by the river. He said it was too nice out to go back to the house.

I agree.. because I really want to talk to him about how I feel.. and I have to do it before I chicken out.

So we go through McDonald’s drive thru and park down by the river. We eat silently for awhile and then he says something like, “… wonderful view, wonderful company, wonderful night” and I was like, “uh huh”.

Sorry.. but I can’t turn my emotions on and off like a light switch.

He started telling me stories from when he was a kid and I didn’t have the heart to bring up anything to flip the script.

So we drove home.

Bubba was there when we walked in and he started in about giving Spaz the telescope so right away I said, “.. what do you care?” and he said, “.. but he’s only 9.”

I said, “.. one, it’s none of your business and two, he’s 11 you idiot”.

Then I went into my bedroom and started playing on the laptop. The boys kept bickering and Chief kept yelling at them but thankfully, I was able to fall asleep rather quickly because I don’t think my body could keep up with another night of tossing and turning.