The Things You See At 2am

Posted: July 26, 2010 in Just Livin'
Tags: , , , , , ,


You know how people don’t expect certain people in one place or another .. or to be traveling the streets at oh.. say 2am?


This is so ridiculous.. honestly, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

So I ran out of cigarettes, right.. so I check on Chief’s nightstand and he’s out too. Since I’m no where near tired, I figured I’d drive over to the local convenience store and while I’m out, swing on over by the Dunkin’ Donuts. He’s usually up around 430 and I figured this would be a nice surprise.

I hit the convenience store first and then hit DD’s drive through. I get the coffee and for whatever reason, instead of turning right out of the drive way to take the normal route home, I turn left.

Turning left means driving through the really dark part of their parking lot and hitting three traffic lights before I get home so I really have no clue why I did that.

Must have been divine intervention because as I’m making the turn left and then making another short left my headlights swing across those big trash dumpsters and shine themselves on the Crack Whore giving one of the borough’s finest police officers a blow job.


You read that right!

Honestly though, it did catch me a little off guard. I mean, I heard the rumors and have been told stuff from other people but yknow.. I’m not going to say I DIDN’T believe them but it’s some something more credible when you actually see it for yourself.

And so I stopped the car.. with the headlights on them. It didn’t dawn on me then that they wouldn’t be able to see who was in the car because of the head lights.

She jumps up all wiping her mouth with the back of her hand while Dudley DooRight is all jittery trying to get his shit zipped up.

If only my cell phone camera had a flash!

She takes off like a wildabeast being chased by a Cheetah and he.. well, what can he do? Arrest me?? LOL!! Give me a fucking citation?? ROFLMAO!!!

And actually, I don’t know what to do… If I say something to him will he give me a perpetual pass for rolling through stop signs or will he be perpetually ON my ass? Could go either way and it’s not like every cop in this town doesn’t know who I am.. between Weed getting arrested and the time Chief got arrested and me getting into a fight yesterday and owning the only deli in town .. we’re like a warped rock stars..

So I just keep going without saying anything to him. He probably was thanking his higher being at the SAME time I was thinking, “.. yea. We’ll just going to tuck this one up my sleeve until it become necessary”

I drive out of the parking lot and turned right onto the main road up to my house. Now there’s only one or two street lights on this road because the whole right side is a cemetery. A cemetery that has a gate that’s always open and that people cut through all the time. And guess who I see walking up this road?

Yep.. the Wildebeast Crack Whore..

There’s no shoulder for me to pull over on and so I drive up to where the gate is and pulled into it just a minute or so before she would have gotten there.

I saw here flinch.. which, yknow.. I would have done also if I was walking down a dark road and a car pulls into the gate I was going to use to cut through the cemetery after being busted for blowing a cop behind the DD ..

Anyway.. so I I turn the over head lights on in the car so that she would at least know it was me and roll down the passenger side window.

ME: ( all cheery and shit ) HEY! What are you doing walking up here at this time in the morning? Did your car break down or something?

Yes. I am a bitch. A cunt, even. I keep telling people that and they never believe me!!! LOL!!

HER: (stuttering) Oh. No. Um. No. I. Um. <looking behind her> No. I. Um. Where are you going?

ME: (so loving this) I went over to get cigarettes and then swung by Dunkin’.. need a ride home?

HER: (cartoon eyes) When? Just now?

ME: Uh huh

HER: Just now this very second?

ME: Yea. Just now. Need a tissue?

HER: What?

ME: Do. You. Need. A. Tissue? You got something on your face.

And with that last statement she used her hands to wipe her face and said she had to go and took off around the car and into the cemetery.

And all I could say was OMG .. because really, as sad as it should be… it was fucking hysterical. Ahh.. life’s little moments!

  1. Questions! I have em!
    Was that the same Dudley DooRight that busted your chops for letting your dog pee in the middle of the night?!
    You talked to a Crack Whore?!
    I’m so behind. I haven’t read how you slapped a bitch.

    • Leese says:

      Ok Jean.. I know this gets a little complicated so you may just want to throw back a martini before reading any further!!

      The Crack Whore in question is Cheif’s ex wife .. the boy’s biological mother.. let’s just say she has a “reputation” for doing what needs to get done to get what she needs. For you and ME, that might mean computer skills or PhotoShop skills or analytical skills…

      For her it’s a mattress back and no gag reflex.

      So I’m assuming.. based on previous examples.. she was picked up for something and this was her way of getting out of it.

      It was NOT the same Dudley Dooright.. if it was I probably would have said some smart ass remark to him that would have gotten me arrested!!

      Now.. got an extra martini for me??

  2. datGurl! says:

    BWAHAHAHA!!! This is priceless.
    You are sooo much better than me Leese. I woulda said somethin stupid like, “you really shouldnt hang out behind dumpsters at 2 AM with strange men who cant keep their zippers up. Whats that white stuff on your face?” Need a ride?

    she so nasty…
    did u tell Chief?

    • Leese says:

      Hey DG!!
      I don’t know how much better I am then you.. I’m tucking this info away for a later date so yknow.. good old manipulative me, I guess!!!

      She’s beyond nasty .. BUT it just goes to prove that men aren’t too choosy about who they let polish their knob!!

      And no.. I didn’t tell Chief. For a variety of reasons but manly because he probably would have just said “oh” .. he was used to her doing shit like that when they were married.

      BTW .. can’t find you on facebook girlfriend!

  3. Trip X says:

    Leese, this is priceless. I like your style.

  4. Trip X says:

    Leese, just gotta know, was Dudley DoRight’s mug on TV (CBS-3) last night talking about the hold-up and beating of the 50-something clerk at the A-plus mart in Darby?

  5. Leese says:

    I’m not 100% sure Trip but I don’t think so. We don’t share Darby’s police unless.. of course.. someone gets pulled over for speeding and then 50 cops from 15 different towns show up!!!

    I’ll search it and find out for sure, tho…

    Why? Do you think he looks like someone who would get a blow job by the Crack Whore at 2am behind Dunkin’ Donuts’ trash cans?????

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