A Long Time Coming…

… so a few days ago at dinner, Bubba asked if we were moving. When Chief said that we were but didn’t exactly know when, he said that he wanted to know because he wanted to get a job but didn’t want to go out looking for one if we were going to move like.. in a month or something.

Chief told him that if he wanted to get a job then to go and get a job :: and take Weed with him so HE can get a job :: because nothing is in stone right now.

He then mentioned that the Crack Whore was suppose to go down to the DMV to pick up the driver’s manual. Chief told him he could download it online but he replied that he didn’t want to read it on the computer.. :: Of course not .. it would interfer with his online game playing ::.

Chief didn’t say anything here or there about the driver’s manual and I haven’t even looked at the kid since the whole argument about school let alone say anything to him.. so I just continued eating dinner but believe me, it was all I could do to hide the smirk on my face because MY time had finally come.

You see.. MY name is on the car’s titled… MY name is on the car’s registration and MY name is on the insurance and there is NO. WAY. IN. BLOODY. HELL that this kid is driving MY car.

Revenge is definitely a sweeter dish served cold.

And Bubba clearing the dishes after dinner that night and not leaving his trash on the computer desk and pulling more then 45 minutes doing school work and going to bed at a decent hour is NOT going to change my mind. Because he’s only doing that because he wants something.

I learned the hard way that doing things that he’s suppose to do in order to get what he wants is him M.O.

After he gets it.. he goes right back to being the way that he is.

So I know that him getting his permit and learning to drive is going to come up again and I’m chopping at the bit to shoot it right down. Think any thing you want.. but I know this kid. Inside and out. Better then his parents because I’m not blinded by the fact that I carry responsibility for him being here.

And BELIEVE ME.. I got the speech all written out in my head and he is going to be told exactly why he’s not getting behind the wheel of my car.. and he’s going to be told that he better get on his knees at night and thank God that he has a mother who will let her drive HER car because she has not clue what it’s like living with him 24/7 .. and he better thank God that he has a father who refuses to see how he is being manipulated and used by him. And then, when he gets older and his parents aren’t around anymore, he better get on his knees and ask God for forgiveness for the way he acted and the way he treated me.

I’m finally done trying to make this group of misfits into a family .. my eyes are open. I’m not getting involved in his school.. I’m not getting involved in his laundry.. or his life.. or his comings and goings.

I’m through being taken advantage of. It’s that simple.

So yea.. I’m eagerly anticipating this square off because this is the ONE thing that I have absolute control over and all I can say to Chief is:

Oh. Fucking. Well!

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle DumbAss Go To Washington!

You guys may need to grab a pot of coffee or energy bar or something because this might be a long one!!

So back in February when I booked our hotel, I thought that the rally was going to start late morning and finish in the early afternoon .. or I thought it was going to be an all day thing.. or I thought something. I don’t actually remember because it was back in February but I KNOW I didn’t KNOW that the rally was only from 10am to 1pm..

I also didn’t know THEN that Chief wanted to leave on Friday night after I close the shop.

He’s worse then a kid at Christmas because when he gets excited about something his tail wags worse then a puppy’s.

There was no living with him if we didn’t drive down Friday night so fine.. it didn’t matter that we didn’t have a room for Friday and even if there happened to be one little room available ( which there wasn’t ) we wouldn’t have been able to afford it anyway.. But being the industrious man that he is *cough* he figured we would just pack a cooler and sleep in the back of the wagon.

Not as bad as it sounds.. We’ve done that before when we used to do flea markets so ok. I was down with that. It’s an adventure right? A one in a lifetime kinda thing? RIGHT???

So he packs a cooler with waters and juices and stuff to eat and snack on and is bouncy off the walls to CAN. WE. JUST. GET. GOING. ALREADY??? so much so that we forgot his better sneakers and my other sandals and a few other things that really did turn out to be minor but we did remember the toilet paper!!

We had been scrambling all day so you know.. we forgot to eat again and wound up driving through McDonald’s at around 8pm and then we were on our way to DC.

One thing I should tell you about Chief .. you know that saying WWJD? What Would Jesus Do? Yea.. well.. I say WWCS .. What Would Chief Spend? .. because he doesn’t like  paying one penny more then what he thinks something is worth. It’s a pain in the ass for someone who is just like “… just pay it already!!!!”

That would be me.

So when setting the TomTom, there is a question that comes up asking if you want to avoid toll roads. It’s preset to AVOID TOLL ROADS because the cheap son of a bitch I’m married too can’t part with the 15 cent or 40 cent or OH! MY! GOD! NOT 1.10!!!!!! to get on and off the turnpike!

I really DON’T  mind most times because MOST times I’m not driving at night. I hate driving anywhere at night where I’m not familiar because things look differently at night and I don’t see that well. Nice, right?

The first time we got off 95 it wasn’t so bad. We were basically put on a pike that was well lit and I only had two turns to make before getting back on the highway.

But the second time… OMG.. the SECOND time had us driving thru some of the seediest sections of Baltimore late on a Friday night. Now, I’m from Philly originally so there are very few things that will make my chin hit my knees but let me tell you.. yea.. I got re-educated!!

Next time I’m definitely digging under the seat for change to stay on the highway!!

We’re only not even 3 hours outside of Washington so the idea (I refuse to say plan) was to get there around 11, find a place to park the car.. sleep for a few hours.. eat something and then head to The Mall for the rally. Even with the little detour we were on target but that what? Where were we going to park? The hotel we had reservations at charged 42.00 to park even IF you were a guest so that left that out and EVERYTHING in DC is grossly expensive.

Chief wanted to just park on the street but I told him he was out of his fucking mind because there was NO WAY in HELL that I was going to sleep in the car on a street in another city where I didn’t know if it was legal or not.. just wasn’t going to happen. So we drove around and drove around and drove around until we finally found a parking garage that was not only OPEN but had a sign that said $10 Flat Rate.

So we drive in and guess what?

It was an UNDERGROUND parking garage.. I’m thinking it was definitely the third level of Dante’s Inferno because it was soooo freakin’ hot so add that to the exhaustion setting in and it wasn’t a good recipe. So Chief suggests we take a walk down to The Mall.. check things out and maybe find an open air garage where we can move the car to.

I should have known then that he wouldn’t waste the 10 bucks he paid for parking .. but I really wasn’t thinking.. so I set the TomTom to take us to the Lincoln Memorial. One thing that I didn’t consider… the route that popped up was the route we would need to DRIVE to get to the Memorial.. not WALK.

The red arrow is where we were parked.. the blue line is the route we took to get to the Mall. Go ahead. Call us idiots! We deserve it!!

By the time we get to the Memorial we were exhausted and our feet were KILLING us. Neither of us had proper shoes because.. oh.. um.. Tweedle DumbAss couldn’t WAIT to get on the road!!! We plopped ourselves under a tree with the intent of getting some winks. There were maybe about 500 people already there.. WAY more prepared then we were. They  had blankets and pillows and coolers and flashlights and entertainment and coffee!!

We just had a bottle of water and my handbag!!!

I ask Chief if he wants to walk back and get out cooler and stuff and he looked at me like I was NUTS. His feet had started to get really bad blisters.. my feet were feeling the walk too but at least my sneakers were a little bit better then his shoes.

Trying to do ANYTHING even resembling a nap was impossible. Personally, I can’t lay out on grass without thinking of that cable “Monsters Within” and being petrified of Bot Flies laying eggs in my ears. Impossible, I know but did you ever SEE that show??

Chief didn’t have any problems falling asleep but he gave me implicit instructions to wake him up as soon as he started snoring. Which he did.. in the first five minutes.. and every five minutes after he fell back asleep so that was usless.

After a while, a guy named George from California joined us. He came by himself, leaving his wife and kids in Cali because it wasn’t financially possible for them all to come. He was almost as bad off as we were but at least he had the good sense to bring an umbrella!! So we talked and shared and laughed and then we were joined by three ladies from Boston.

THEY were prepared. They had blankets and a cooler and again, we talked and shared and laughed.

Then the four woman from Ohio came.. and then the people from Delaware and Central PA. It was like having a family reunion with strangers.. only they didn’t feel like strangers. Everyone shared what they had with each other and someone even gave us their extra beach blanket to sit on.

Around 4am, we were DYING from caffeine withdrawal. If anything, y’all should know by now that me and Chief ALWAYS have a cup of coffee in our hands and the last cup we had had was like.. six hours prior. So George from Cali pulled out his iphone and used an App to find the nearest Dunkin’ Dounts.

According to his iPhone, the DD was less then a mile away and should only take about 15 minutes to get there.

Oh!! No fucking sweat!!!

Chief was reluctant to go because his feet were hurting so much.. you KNOW the man is hurting if he doI wesn’t want to go for coffee. I told him that I would go on my own.. it wasn’t that far and who cares if it was 4am.. there were so many people milling around the streets of DC that I didn’t think it was an issue. George from Cali didn’t want me to go by myself either but I was like, Please!! I’m from South Philly!!!

In the end, Chief came with. I’m still not sure if he was worried about me OR about getting a hot cup of coffee. I studied George’s iPhone map and knew exactly where we needed to go. Easy, right?

Um..

Have I introduced myself to you yet??

The Black Arrow is where Dunkin Donut's was SUPPOSE to be.. the Star? That's were a vending truck was. The purple path is what we walked going TO and the purple path is coming back

We walked WELL past where the Dunkin’ Donuts was pinned on the iPhone map and nothing.. we walked further.. nothing.. we asked security guards and other people.. NOTHING!!

When we first passed the vending truck, Chief wanted to get coffee there but I was like “… NOOOOOOO!!! I want a CHEDDAR BAGEL TWIST!!!” and so this man who loves me forged ahead on broken feet while I trailed behind swearing that my ass better raise 2 inches with all this uphill walking.

When we figured out that the damn iPhone app was wrong, we made our way back but took another street hoping that maybe the pin had been in the wrong place and we would see the purple and orange glow of their sign.

Nothing.

So we made our way back to the vending truck.. which was deserted when we first passed.. to find a line wrapped half way around the corner.

So we waited and got four cups of coffee ( literally the size of a demi cup).. 2 soft pretzels (which were so hot that it made you believe that they were fresh until you unwrapped the tin foil that was literally STUCK to it and found that they weren’t fresh.. they were stale and just stuck on a steam table to keep them soft until the unsuspecting customer bought it and let the air hit it. I may have broken a tooth trying to gnaw away at it.) .. and 1 skinny grey thing that they SWORE was a hotdog.

Total was 17.50

I kid you not.

We made it back to our spot through hoards of people screaming WHERE DID YOU GET COFFEE?????????????? and settled back in with our new found family.

When I tell you EVERYBODY was friendly… EVERYBODY was polite.. people were sincerely interested in each other.. where they were from.. what they did for a living.. what brought us all here. It was nothing short of amazing.

If you were there, then you know the feeling.. the vibe.. the spirit.. or whatever it is you want to call it that seemed to just hover in the air. I really have no words to describe it.

The people who took buses in started arriving around 7 and they kept on coming.. and coming.. and coming.. we literally watched the whole mall fill up as far as we could see.

By the time the rally started at 10, you could forget about your squatting rights. There was just way too many people with no where to go. And even when our little area became standing room only .. there was no way you could plop on the grass anymore.. and the sun started heating everyone.. people were still mindful of who was standing around them.

One older guy broke through our little group complaining that he felt like he was going to faint. He must have been in his early 80’s. He was there with his daughter who looked to be in her 60’s and she was in a virtual panic. Bottles of water came out from every direction.. someone offered him their lawn chair.. a young guy came through saying that he was studying to be a nurse and how could he help. No one was obnoxious.. no one pushed back.. no one was annoyed even though the rally had already started and people were straining their necks to see the stage or the jumbo-trons.

The speakers were amazing… the message was inspiring.. and even though I’m not going to go into the whole Martin Luther King, Jr. controversy here, I can tell you from someone who was in the thick of it.. that there was nothing said other then committing ourselves to the core principals of Faith, Hope and Charity.

After it was over, people started to leave and believe me.. if you’ve ever left a sports stadium after a game.. imagine that crowd times 10. But there was no pushing or rushing or shoving. Everybody just.. well.. walked.

Our adrenaline started to deplete.. coupled with sore feet, aching bodies, exhaustion, no food or anything to drink. We felt like shit! But we couldn’t do anything walk (again) to find the garage where our car was.

Do you know who Quasimoto is? The Hunchback of Notre Dame?

That was us.

No lie.

All we needed to do was start yelling SANCTUARY!!! as we walked. We looked like two broken down cowboy hunchbacks after a really bad rodeo.

And of course.. we couldn’t figure out how to get to the damn garage.. because if Washington is anything it’s badly planned!! LOL!!

The path we took to get back to the damn parking garage!

So we walked.. and walked.. and walked.. and walked.

And we walked some more.

I think we only stopped once.. across the street from the White House’s Rose Garden but it wasn’t because we wanted to SEE it.. we just didn’t want to collapse in front of it!!

But starting to walk again only made our feet feel worse so we plugged on and on and on until I saw the blinding glow of the Golden Arches.

I told Chief we should go into McDonald’s and ask them for directions. He said he didn’t realize how hungry he was until I pointeen d out the Mickey Dee’s. So we dragged ourselves in.. ordered food.. and then had to CLIMB A FLIGHT OF STAIRS to the seating area. The looks on our faces when we found that our were probably priceless.

But we forged through and sat.. taking off our shoes so that our feet could rest on the cold ceramic tile.

OMG I know what heaven is now!!!

We finished eating and still had about 8 or 9 long.. long.. LONG blocks to go.

Finally we made it to the car and if you ever hear me make fun of my wagon again, please knock me upside the head!! We sat in the wagon and just melted.

But the journey isn’t over yet.. because NOW we had to drive to the hotel which was about 8 blocks away ( actually it was ohsoclose to the McDonald’s we were at ) and before Chief could even THINK about the 42 bucks to park at the hotel, I told him that there was no way in God’s green earth that I was walking anywhere other then to an elevator.

He had the good sense not to argue.

So we got to the hotel and checked in.. made our way up to the room which had a bed that was made from a cloud.

No.. in all seriousness, it was a really nice room with really, REALLY good sheets and pillows and feather top mattress.

He just peeled off his clothes and fell out.. I wanted to take a shower first but then I did the same damn thing.

I don’t remember anything until about midnight when I woke up to Chief staring at me. “.. I’m hungry” he said jumping up and down like a freakin’ monkey in a cage.

My WTF???? expression made him tell me that it was a hotel room bed so of course you had to jump around on it like a freakin’ monkey in a cage.

I was hungry too.

All the sandwiches, potato salad and lunch meat we had brought didn’t hold up to being in the trunk of a hot car in the basement of a parking garage over night and the one bag of potato chips and Welch’s White Grape Peach bottle wasn’t going to cut it. It was too late for room service and neither of us could even dream of walking anywhere so what to do? Go back to sleep, of course.

One thing I need to mention here is that we stayed at the Capital Hilton. I made the reservation and paid for the room via Obitz so I really didn’t know what I was getting into. First of all.. there was no free WiFi. They charged 15.99 a night to access it. Everything on their menu was OBSCENELY priced. Like.. 9.75 for a bowl of oatmeal. 22.00 for a hamburger. 7.50 for a cup of coffee. I hadn’t realized that this was a dignitary hotel and that generally the people that stay there could care less how much anything was. Plus, it was an international menu.

So back to sleep we went and when we got up the next morning, we decided that it was just better off checking out then waiting.. hungry.. until noon. I did.. at one point.. BEG Chief to order room service because I was beyond starving but even I couldn’t justify spending that much money on something that we weren’t even going to be able to split.

So at 8am we checked out and made our way home.. finding yet another McDonald’s where we had breakfast.

I swear I have NEVER eaten McDonald’s so much in my  life!!!

Because it was early.. we had nothing but time in front of us so we made our way back ( again detouring through the seedier side of Baltimore and even continuing the tradition of turning the wrong way down a one way street because of the TomTom ).. we stopped at a fantastic reststop on I95 that was  ( and had bad coffee ) .. found an unbelievable flea market in Nottingham, PA that was in an old barn and had really neat stuff.. we drove the back roads through Maryland.. over the Conowingo Dam.. may have found a place to move to in Darlington.. wondered at Havre De Grace.. checked out used RVs ( come on.. you have to agree that we need one! ) .. drove through a covered bridge and wound up spending a few hours sitting on a rock and hanging our feet in Brandywine Creek watching people drift by on inner tubes with their dogs swimming along side of them.

We finally made it home feeling that after not really doing anything this summer.. doing EVERYTHING.

It was probably the best weekend I’ve had in a long time.. even with the blisters and aches and everything else doing all that with my best friend was awesome.

This Would Be REALLY Funny If It Wasn’t Going To Be An Excuse To Shuck Your Parental Responsibilities

Ok..

So you know that (No Longer) Weed has really taken cleaning up his act seriously. He’s been avoiding all his druggie / drinking friends except for one.. Harry Potter.

No.. not the books.

His one friend looks exactly  like Harry Potter except he has long hair. I know him and his family and they are really good people. Harry’s younger two brothers are complete fuck ups but Harry has his shit together.. works a third shift job.. is always reading something and has always been quiet and respectful.

Why him and (No Longer) Weed are still friends is beyond me but they are..

Anyway.. so Harry Potter likes to smoke pot every once in a while and (No Longer) Weed has been talking to him about stopping and even invited him to a NA meeting.. which Harry Potter went to.

Yesterday (No Longer) Weed was telling me that the Crack Whore FINALLY gave her consent for Harry Potter to use her car so him and (No Longer) Weed can go to the movies or book store or whatever when they got into an accident.

Apparently, Harry was switching lanes and there was a 2010 Black Cadillac in his blind spot. Harry is used to driving his mom’s mini van so I guess it was easy for him to miss a big black Caddy…

(No Longer) Weed said that they guy was cool about it and didn’t even want to call the cops. I thought that was a HUGE mistake but either the Caddy guy didn’t have insurance.

This is the second accident the Crack Whore’s car has been in in as many months so when he told me, I was like “.. yea, her insurance is going to go through the ROOF.”

Chief was like, “.. I said the same thing!!”

That is… if she even has insurance. Not sure of that either but although I did get a little giggle.. I’m sure this is going to yet another excuse for not paying her child support.

AND I’m wondering if she’s going to hound Harry Potter to pay for the damage. It WAS his fault and I’m sure he will want to pay for the damage but she also has to understand that he’s a kid, living at home and not making a shit load of money.. I know how she can be and I’m wondering if she’s going to cause a problem between Harry and (No Longer) Weed…

Something Wicked This Way Comes

… I can feel it

… Way down deep in my solar plexus

And even though one might say that I’m just being paranoid, I don’t think I am.

Yes, things are finally.. FINALLY.. going good. The shop turned a higher profit this month.. The kids are going back to school next week and they’re getting better at doing the things that they’re suppose to do. Of course, taking away the PS3 and computer access when they fuck up helps but all in all I really don’t have too much to complain about.

Heh.. well, hell I do but not something that’s getting in the way of everything else.

But here’s the thing…

Tonight Chief was later then usual getting home from the shop. When he DID get home, he had walked instead of taking the truck and stopping by the Dunkin’ Donuts drive thru. Highly unusual for him because he can’t get through the night without coffee and since our “real” coffee maker :: read as the one that you put on the stove to perc :: melted because he forget that it was perking away and he would rather DIE then drink auto-drip :: which really doesn’t make sense because like Dunkin’ Donuts doesn’t auto-drip? :: he always stops on the way home from work.

So I asked him about it and he just shrugged it off and said that he felt like walking… but I knew that that really wasn’t the case. I figured he didn’t want to say anything because Spaz was seated at the dining room table so I went into the kitchen and sure enough, he followed.

He told me that he walked home because there were two cop cars passing in front of the store as he was getting ready to leave… Now rewind a little because for the last few days, I’ve been noticing that the police are driving down my block way more then usual. There are only something like 4 cop cars in my borough so to see them as often as I have is kind of strange.

He told me that last night when he drove home he saw one car circling the block from the left and the other circling the block on the right and got the feeling that they were wanting to catch him driving.

Last week or so, he got a notification in the mail from the state that his driver’s license has been suspended because of the outcome of his court case and he believes that the police department has just received their copy. This is a small borough and because of the shop.. because of his arrest..  because of the crack whore.. because of Weed.. it’s not like they don’t know who he is.

He seems to think that they’re just waiting to catch him driving and so they’re driving around the store at closing.. and the house during the time he would usually arrive home.

It felt like there was an elephant on my chest and the only think I could say was “…. why can’t they just leave us alone.”

I can’t understand with all the bullshit that goes on in this town, they have a bullseye on his back. It’s like they are pissed off because they weren’t able to get that big headline they were looking for when they arrested him and because they know that HE knows that they lied, they’re looking for something to throw on him.

NOTE: For those who haven’t read about that whole ordeal with him being arrested, read the posts under the TRAVESTY category

Chief seems to think that they’ll move on to other people to harrass in a few weeks and everything will be back to normal and until then, he’s just going to not drive.

But I’m not so sure.

I’m worried because I’m still PTS-ing over what happened in January. If they can lie and get away with everything then, what are they going to do next? There’s no one to give me answers. There’s no one who I trust to tell me the truth about what’s really going on. And to be perfectly honest, I’m scared of getting sucked into all this.

I’m trying to think of every damn base to cover.. to anticipate what they might do and it’s making me crazy.

Of course, it’s 2:15am and he’s snoring away while my mind can’t stop racing.

I’m making mental check lists of things that I want to get done tomorrow.. like make sure this house doesn’t have one spec of dust or puddle of dog piss anywhere in case they decide to “revisit” the living conditions that are on record from January.

I need to change the burned out bulb on my rear brake light so that they don’t have a reason to stop my car when I’m driving it.

I need to cover the cracked lens with that red transparent tape so that they don’t have a reason to stop mycar when I’m driving it.

I need to fucking insure both the car and the truck. I don’t normally drive without insurance but since I was laid off and wasn’t really driving much anymore, I wanted to catch up on some outstanding bills so I let the policies lapse.

I need to tell him that I don’t think it’s such a good idea for Weed to keep coming around the store. That’s going to be a hard one to convince him to do because of that whole “father/son” thing going on but I get goose flesh everytime he walks in… and because I know he still does what he does, I don’t want him anywhere near me or Chief…

I already told him that I don’t think it’s a good idea that he carries anything on him… they may not be able to stop a person for just walking down the street without cause but again, I don’t trust them to not think of SOMETHING to stop him for.

I’m going to have to get dog’s licenses and start putting the older one on a leash, even though I am not required to have her on a leash if she’s on my property but God forbid if she takes a step on the pavement… are they going to swoop down on us?

I know this sounds ridiculous… that maybe I am being overly cautious at best.. paranoid at worst but if you lived through what I lived through then I think you’d be able to see my point.

The other thing I’m worried about is that if.. for some unknown reason.. he does get arrested again, there’s no one to turn to for bail.

I was talking to my father-in-law one day last week and he was telling me that he doesn’t like the idea of Weed always coming around the store. I told him I didn’t either and he said that he was afraid that Weed was going to get Chief in trouble again and if he did then “.. there wasn’t going to be anyone to bail him out again.”

I got the message loud and clear and I can’t say that I blame him. If Chief isn’t going to take any precautions to protect himself from the trouble that Weed causes, then why would they bail him out again?

I’m just waiting for other shoe to drop now. Because it is. I know it.

Me and Dick Tracy

… years ago I had a friend Billy :: aka Midnight Rider :: who was like THE MAN.

He was 15 years older then me but had “way” about him.. is the only way I can describe it. Cool Cat.

He was into motorcycles.. 50’s doo wop music.. and just livin’ life. We got along great.. TRIED to date once but realized it was much better to play Scrabble while answering Jeaopardy questions then trying to make something that wasn’t there.

Well.. it WAS there but maybe in another life or at a different space in time. He was the PRE-Goober. The first man in my life that really made me understand that what was INSIDE my head was far superior then all the blue eyeliner, bubble gum pink lipstick and aqua net was on the outside.

NOTE: Look.. this was the 80’s and I ROCKED the bubble gum pink lipstick and blue eyeliner!!!

At any rate.. Billy used say to me “… everything happens to you and Dick Tracy”. Meaning, if it COULD happen to anyone.. it would happen to me. Whether it was funny.. sad.. adventurous or heartbreaking.. I had the target on my back.

Today was one of those Dick Tracy days.

It’s been raining here long enough to be a few days short of going to Home Depot and getting stuff to build an ark… needless to say that work today was humdrum and all I really wanted to do was stay in bed and listen to the rain.

It was a long day.. full of nothing but arts and crafts :: read that as compiling reports on spreadsheets.. sorting and color coding :: and the endless drone of babble coming from my fellow cube-gophers. Plus, I had to pay the house rent after work so THAT tagged on another half hour to the hour that it takes for me to drive home.

Anyway… All of a sudden… as I’m making my way to the rental office in a torrential rainstorm… I hear this CRASH BAM BOOM SCRAPE and watch as my right wiper blade flies off the whatever it is that holds it and wildly starts whipping around on my windshield.

OMG.. OMG.. OMG.. O. M. FRACKIN’ G!!

I.. thankfully :: thank you Jesus! :: was driving under a train rail so I quickly turned off my wipers and tried to figure out what the hell happened.

NOTE: Did you ever wonder why people just HAVE to look at something IMMEDIATELY even though you know.. and they know.. that there will be plenty of time to look at it once they were in a safer place to do so? I can talk because I do it all the time!

I get to the intersection where I have to turn. I can already tell that there’s plenty of places to pull over but didn’t count on JUST HOW DISORTED one’s vision is during a torrential rain storm.

AND just how panicky one gets when not only can’t one see out a distorted windshield in a torrential downpour.. but let’s not forget to include the two fire trucks and one police car blaring their lights and sirens to get around traffic on a three lane street during rush hour traffic.

Oh.. and did I forget to mention that people were using an unusual amount of retardedness trying to cross the street?

Oh.. OH!!.. and did I forget to mention that my car insurance has lapsed. Like.. two months ago?

NOTE: I normally do NOT drive without insurance but with the whole bail situation for Chief I had to make the choice between keeping my house and driving without insurance for alittle bit.

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT promote driving without insurance.. especially in torrential rainstorms with broken windshield wipers, retarded pedestrians and a police car in too close a proximity!

Sorry.. I’m just shaking my head at the absurdity of all this.

SO..

I was able to pull over safely and without hitting anything animate or inanimate .. got out of the car and checked out the situation.

Apparently, not only did the right blade lose the little clippy thing that holds it on BUT the way it was flapping around wildly caused it to bind underneath the plastic thing that kind of does nothing but make the body work look nice, pretty and steamlined.

Assessing the situation with a … how the FUCK did that happen? .. what does this fairly intelligent :: on a good day :: logical woman do?

Turns the wipers back on, of course!

Now.. what do you think happens? I’ll tell you what! The stuck wiper tries to force itself out and cracks the plastic piece it was stuck under and sends a section about 4 inches long flying into the air and onto the umbrella of a passing woman.

Told ya.. me and Dick Tracy.

The woman starts YELLING at me. I mean YELLING. Unfortunately :: or maybe fortunately :: I really couldn’t understand what she was saying partly because I was either trying to hold in a fit of tears or a fit of laughter but mostly because she didn’t have any teeth and was obviously making her way to where ever from the bar on the corner.

Told ya.. me and Dick Tracy!

I kept on apologizing to her but she kept on ranting and finally in a very firm voice I usually use with Spaz, I was like NOW LOOK HERE DRAMA QUEEN :: yea, I really said that :: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.. YOUR NOT HURT AND YOUR DAMN TWEETY BIRD :: seriously :: ISNT DAMAGED. SO JUST BE ON YOUR FRACKIN’ WAY BEFORE I TAKE MY BAD DAY OUT ON YOU, A’IGHT?

She looked at me like I was the one who just dripped out of the bar but she shut up and walked away..

So I figure out how to get the wiper back on and even though I couldn’t make them go any faster then the ssslllloooowwweeesssttt intermediate setting, at least I could see.

Life Lesson No. 403: ALWAYS have duct tape in the car!

I finally get to the rental office.. drop in my check and since I wasn’t going to trust driving on the highway, I called Chief to let him know that I was going to be seriously late.

When he answered the phone, I told him that I was in a CUNUNDRUM :: I’m into that word lately :: and he asked what was up. I told him about the wiper and he went into If-Theres-One-Thing-I-Know-Better-Then-Food-It’s- Cars mode. He starts talking SO damn fast .. trying to ask me questions that I couldn’t even understand let alone answer and when I was saying “Wait! Wait! WHAT??” he said, “I have to go make a sandwich. If you can get the car home I’ll fix it”

WTF???

So I just said, “… love ya, bye!” .. and he was like, “.. no, babe.. I have a customer” and I said “.. I know :: you dumbass :: LOVE YOU! BYE!” and hung up.

I’m not a good damsel in distress. When I wanted to learn to drive, my father told me tha tbefore I could get behind the wheel I needed to learn how to fix a flat tire, check the oil, where the antifreeze goes and where the windshield wiper fluid goes.

So unless it’s something dire :: like the time the engine on my red ’84 Datsun 210 blew up with me in it :: I’m okay as long as I can find a Pep Boys or Auto Zone or Advanced Auto.

There was  PB close so I make my way over there.. go in and instead of wandering around the store went up to the Parts desk and asked the guy where the blades were. He asked me what size I needed and I told him I had no clue. He asked me what kind of car I had and I told him a Mercury Sable. He asked me what year and I told him I didn’t know.

He gave me a really strange look and I was like, “Dude.. why do I need to know that off the top of my head when I have it on my registration card.”

In my handbag.

In the car.

Across the parking lot.

Told ya. Me and Dick Tracy.

So I run out thanking God for ponytails and hair bands .. ran back in and told him that it was a 1997.

He punched a few keys on the computer and said, “.. it’s not a wagon, is it?” while make this really contorted face.

“Yea.. I know. I SO do not deserve to be driving a soccor mom car. You should have seen the pick up truck I used to have.”

“Um. No.” he said alittle embarassed FOR ME. ” I just meant that we were out of the wipers for the back windshield.”

I’m too retarded to be embarassed so I told him to just give me what I needed and be on my way.

He got the blades and told me that the service department would install them for free but by this time I just wanted to get the things on and get home.

On the way back to the car, Chief called me and asked me how things were going. I told him I bought new blades :: didn’t tell him that they were 41.oo because I was too embarassed to buy the real cheap ones :: and that I was going to install them.

He asked me if I knew how and I told him it wasn’t rocket science. He agreed. “Yep, they’re pretty easy to figure out because they only go one way”

That is .. of course.. when they aren’t UNIVERSAL and come with enough clips to make the Lego Land desingers in Sweden have an orgasm!

I tried every different way for close to a half hour before I couldn’t stand wet socks and underwear any longer.

Out came the trusty duct tape.. and I was on my way.

When I finally pulled up in front of the shop, Chief came out while I was getting out of the car. I handed him all the little pieces.. PLUS the duct tape and said “YOU FIX” complete with pouty boo-boo lip!

He busted out laughing and the bastard had the damn thing on.. the right way.. in less then three minutes!