… so hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and that it was everything that you wanted it to be.
Mine was relatively quiet :: for the life that I live anyway :: .. Chief cooked a fabulous turkey, made fresh cranberry preserve, mashed potatoes and that green bean thing that has those crunchy deep fried onions on. My father in law brought over these sweet potatoes that Chief’s brother makes that were SO FUCKING GOOD! There were apples in there and pineapples and OMG.. it was SO FUCKING GOOD!
We ate around 3.. my father in law was out the door by 4:30 :: he can’t see well at night to drive so as soon as the sun moves behind a cloud he’s on his way :: and then the boys went off to the Crack Whore’s.
Beings that we were going to be home alone, I had visions of some porn and pokin’ but the stuff that’s in the turkey that makes you tired kicked in and after the emergency run to get sewer main unblocker :: yes, the sewer backed up into our basement again :: I was down for the count.
NOTE: Yes, we wound up getting a turkey late Wednesday night.. because, yknow, tradition and all. Shame you can’t see the eye roll I just gave right then!
Anyway.. so 4:30AM .. read that again.. 4:30AM.. my cell phone starts ringing. I jump out of bed.. trip over Bella.. slam my knee into the foot board.. step on the cat and drive for the phone in the dining room.
It’s Bird.
YOU UP??? I’M UP! WE STILL GOING SHOPPING??????
Ok.. so earlier on Thanksgiving, I was going through the circulars and one of the department stores had 50.00 flannel shirts for 8.00. So I happen to mention to Bird that I SHOULD get up at be at the store when they open to grab a few since that’s what I was going to get my father in law for Xmas anyway.
The ONE time that the bitch takes me seriously!!
I kind of feel bad because her sleeps schedule is all fucked up so for her to be up at that time either took some serious effort on her part OR some serious meds.
Fine. So I tell her to come pick me up and she said that she was going to wake up her daughter, Peep, to come with. Peep is home from college and I’m sure the last thing she wanted to do is wake up at 430am to go shopping on Black Friday.
Anyway.. so they get to my house by 5 and Bird is WIRED.
I mean W.I.R.E.D
She’s like a bobble head anyway but OMG.. she was all over the map. I asked her if she had had coffee :: because coffee makes her seriously spaz :: but she said she didn’t even take an energy pill. She’s doing fifty things at once.. pulling out all the circulars from the paper and showing me what she needed to get and all I’m telling her is that she BETTER stop at a Dunkin’ Donuts because I can’t get through this without some serious caffeine.
I should have known what she had issues ordering two large coffees, one with milk and sugar and one with extra sugar and cream that this how adventure was NOT going to be good.
Further proof was when she goes speeding the three blocks from the DD to WalMart and is YELLING at the guy at the red light to turn when he had NO intention of turning and then playing chicken with an old lady for a parking spot.
She has this BIG silver truck and between the old lady trying to jockey her little Toyota .. cars trying to get down the row and cars trying to get up the rows and the poor guy just trying to get out of the parking space, I just knew I was going to die and it was the one time that I voluntarily put my seat belt on.
Then the old lady starts yelling at her.. she starts yelling at the old lady and my chin is literally on my knees because as rough and tumble as I am.. I’d rather just park at the farthest end of the parking lot and walk just to avoid all the drama.
So I’m yelling at her to stop acting the way she is.. Peep is yelling at her to stop acting the way she is.. and the evil demon that has possessed poor Bird turned it’s head and spewed green pea soup before telling us both to shut the hell up.
WalMart is usually a mad house but this was even worse then my vivid imagination could conjure. There were cattle shoots sets up with sadistic cops from three counties welding electric prods to keep the masses in line.
And there were masses.
BELIEVE ME .. there were masses.
The majority there to pick up flat screen tv’s at ridiculous prices all with their nickers in a twist because they were sold out. If you ask me, there were never any tv’s to sell out but that’s just my Wal-Mart Conspiracy Theory thought.
Bird was pissed but figured while we were there getting pushed and shoved and prodded, we might as well pick up a paper shredder.
A paper shredder? Are you fucking kidding me?
But a paper shredder she grabbed and then it’s standing and standing and standing and standing in line to purchase it and I swear I should have just walked the five blocks home.
We finally get out of the line and it was on to the next store. Kohls.
I have to say that even thought Kohl’s was crowded, the were organized. To me, WalMart people don’t usually shop at Kohl’s and so the whole experience was completely different. Then again, Kohl’s doesn’t sell tv’s and radios and the like ..
So Bird and Peep go running around grabbing this and that and I’m just wondering when the hell I’m going to be able to just go buy the flannel shirts. Bird keeps telling me to buy things.. do some of my shopping.. but I’m not prepared financially to do that so basically I’m just there to carry bags.
Kohl’s had a great check out set up. You stood in the main line away from the cashiers and when one was free, a Kohl’s person directed you to the open cashier. It made things move along a lot quicker and was less stressful then having all these people rolling their eyes and shifting right behind you in your personal space. We spent around an hour and a half in there but really, it wasn’t so bad.
Then on to Sears. Apparently, Sears was selling flat screen tv’s at a ridiculous price too and Bird was able to scoop up the last one. But that was a WHOLE process in itself and by this time, I really just wanted to go home. But I sucked it up and got through the sale. Next stop, Boscov’s because Bird wanted to buy herself a ring.
I think I have to state for the record that indecisiveness is a huge pet peeve. Especially indecisiveness while shopping. I’m the kind of shopper that scans a store and if nothing jumps out at me, I move on. For Xmas shopping, I have a list. And I stick to my list. And if something on my list isn’t available, I do a quick scan and move on.
Bird buying herself a ring from her husband for Christmas was the epitome of indecisiveness and by this time, I was ready to crack and on the verse of a breakdown.
The funny thing is, a woman also buying a ring asked me how old I was. When I told her 44, she was shocked because she thought I was in my early 30’s. Then she commented that Bird must of had me REALLY early in life.
Bird looked like she was going to blow a gasket and I just chuckled to myself at how sweet revenge really is.
We FINALLY got out of there and FINALLY made our way to JC Penny’s to get my flannel shirts.. which took all of… I dunno.. 15 minutes? Most of that spent in line?
Then back to Sears to pick up the tv and then to the supermarket to pick up clams and clam juice for the New England Clam Chowder that Chief was making.
By the time I got to the store, I had been with Bird and Peep for 5 hours and it was literally the worse 5 hours of my life.
I’ll never do that again…
EVER!!!
LIVING ME 101 