Grumpy Old Men and The Things They Do To Keep Themselves Entertained

My father-in-law is a trip.

In a good way.

I’ve heard horror stories from both Chief and Bird about how he treated his kids and ex-wife back when he was younger and a drunk.

I never had to live with an abusive alcoholic father :: heh.. I waited until I was older and married one! Late bloomer, I am! :: but he’s not that person anymore. As the story goes, he had a heart attack, almost died, found God and changed his life.

Seems to be working for him because I don’t see a trace of what he once was.

Anyway…

So him and his best friend from childhood Pete spend their days driving around in circles. Literally. They have nothing to do with their time so they drive around. Back and forth. From one place to the other.

They don’t really expand their horizons because Pete has a hard time seeing anything and my father in law can’t really hear. So it’s literally the deaf leading the blind. Plus, my father in law can’t drive in bad weather or once it gets dark because he has some kind of holes in his cornea or whatever.

But, yknow, NEITHER of them will admit to it. If you ask them, they’re still the Lithuanian studs they were 50 years ago.

So the other day both of them came in and Pete happens to mention that they had to go to the supermarket and get stale bread “.. for the birds.”

Now, I know where he lives he has these birds that will eat ANYTHING. And when I mean anything.. I mean A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G.. so Chief tells him he doesn’t have to go to the market.. that he has tons of stale bread in the shop’s kitchen that he was going to use to make bread pudding with.

So Chief goes in the back and grabs him a bag. Pete and my father in law giggle like they were just visited by the lingerie wearing tooth fairy with huge boobs. They take their bread and go on their way.

After they leave, I laughed and told Chief that I hope when I’m their age something a little bit more will make me giggle like that.

CHIEF: You know that breads for the seagulls, right?

ME: Hmmm?

CHIEF: When they said it’s for the birds, they meant the seagulls.

ME: Seagulls?

CHIEF: Yea.. you know how seagulls will battle each other for food?

ME: uuuuuhhhhh-hhhhuuuuhhhhh

CHIEF: They drive around until they find a parking lot with seagulls and then toss bread to watch them go crazy.

ME: Are you fucking kidding me?

CHIEF: (laughing) No.. I’m serious. That’s what they do.

ME: Entertain themselves by watching seagulls fight over bread…….

CHIEF: Yep. I swear. You can ask them

ME: I don’t believe it

CHIEF: I’M SERIOUS!

ME: NO.. I believe it.. but I don’t believe it.

CHIEF: Yep. That’s my dad.

Count ERNULA

… so yesterday Spaz and I had to go to the local Walgreen’s for… for… for? I forget why.. but since one half of the center aisle had Halloween stuff and the other half of the center aisle had Christmas stuff :: yes, I said Christmas. As in the birth of Christ.. as in DECEMBER freakin’ 25th! :: Spaz was on sensory over-load.

So before he had the chance to tell me what on his Christmas list .. or even ASK me if I “… wanna know? Wanna know? Huh? Hey Leese, wanna know what’s on my Christmas list? ” I steered him towards the Halloween part of the aisle and told him to LOOK. FOR. SOMETHING. Not anything I was going to actually BUY, mind you. I figured if I just got him to look it would afford me enough time to get what I needed and pay for it without him being next to me pleading to get something asinine.

Like a cane.

A REAL cane.

We won’t go there.

Anyway.. the plan worked until he found me waving this dog costume.

Yes.. a DOG costume.

Now I am SO not one of those people that dress up their dogs. I don’t carry them around in handbags :: well, considering the size of my dogs that would be impossible but even if I did have a dog that would fit in a handbag I still wouldn’t do it :: .. in fact, I won’t even put a bandanna on them. Just not my gig.

Not like Bird.

Really... are you KIDDING me??

She showed me these and actually had the balls to ask me if I wanted to take them home for Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy.

Like Ernie would look good in pink, Chuck Taylor wanna-bes!

No.. seriously.. I asked her if she was out of her freakin’ mind buying those for her Min-Pin Bella. She just laughed because.. you know.. she’s Bird and as much as we’re alike she gets a kick out of the things that make us different.

Doggie sneakers being one of them.

Back to the story…

So Spaz comes running up to me waving this dog costume saying that we HAVE TO buy it for Ernie..

It’s a dracula costume.. complete with a head piece that immediately reminded me of Eddie Munster. You know, with the point in the middle of the forehead and all? Except I don’t think that Eddie had holes on the top of his head for his ears.

Maybe he should have.

Anyway.. at 5.99, I really couldn’t resist so I bought it and proceeded to come home and put it on Ernie who was all like “Nooooo!!! Nooooo!! What are you DOING to me!!” in the silly cartoon voice we make whenever he does something insanely crazy or random.

My favorite is:

If I had opposing thumbs I’d BE a boy!

Anyway.. way off track.

So we get the thing home.. catch Ernie.. and put the costume on him.

He didn’t like the head gear.. maybe because his ears are floppy and the damn thing wouldn’t stop sliding onto his face.. or it may have been the string I MAY have tied a little too tight under his snout.

I say “MAY” .. it hasn’t been confirmed so don’t call Peta.

At any rate.. we did manage to get ONE picture of him with the costume on.

HELP! They're trying to KILL me!!

Enjoy it because I don’t think you’ll ever see it on him again. In fact, it mysteriously disappeared. It was there one minute.. and then the next? Gone.

I bet if I had the nerve to look under my bed I think I’d find it!!!

Still A Fugitive..

So.. heh.. remember a few posts back when I said that God likes to fuck with me?

Well… maybe I didn’t say it QUITE like that but you get the point.

Anyway..

So since I found out that I was a fugitive from the law because of a parking ticket that I DIDN’T get and one that Chief SWORE he paid, I’ve been waiting for this morning so that Bird can drive me to the District Courthouse so that I can pay all 119.24 of it.

I completely IGNORED Chief’s suggestion that I go directly to the county courthouse because if I go to the address of the District Courthouse that was on the BRIGHT. PINK. NOTIFICATION. OF. IMPENDING. ARREST. it’ll will cost me 119.24 … BUT if I go to the County Courthouse.. it’ll only cost me 63.70 because then I wouldn’t have to pay the additional money the constables charge for the bright pink paper, printer ink and the gas it took to drive to my house.

I calmly told him that I wasn’t paying anything… HE was paying for it.. and I would rather pay the source with an additional 55.54 then to go on faith that the County and District talk to each other about important matters.

Important matters being MY freedom!

Anyway.. getting back to God and His sense of humor..

Today is Columbus Day .. a day that I ordinarily celebrate due to my Italian heritage.

A day that I always looked forward to because I got the day off from work.

A DAY WHEN THE COURTHOUSES ARE CLOSED!!!

So I couldn’t pay the fine.. I’m still a fugitive.. and I still have to dive in thorny rose bushes when walking down the street because .. yknow.. FUGITIVES AREN’T GIVEN A HOLIDAY FROM THE LAW..

But I did shave my legs.. so at least I’m good there.

Anyway.. so Thelma and Louise me and Bird are going to take care of this thing tomorrow.

Pretty Is As Pretty Does..

So Pretty the Kitten :: no matter how much Chief calls her Katu, her name is still Pretty :: is adjusting quite well.

Her normal routine is hide sleep during the day and then play to her hearts content at night.

Which, you know, considering that I have a mouse TWO mice, is just fine by me!

She’s eating well.. pooping like there’s no tomorrow in her brand spanking new litter box :: thank Jen512 :: and until she tells you she wants to play, is like she isn’t even here.

The scratching post I bought her is working out great.. she hasn’t yet scratched the furniture or tried to climb the curtains.

She’ll let you cuddle with her and and will ball herself in the crook of your legs  or on your chest or the nook of your arm.

She’s fine with the dogs and is just a real sweetheart.

One funny thing..

Her arrival was the catalyst to an new Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy trick.

Now.. when you say WHO’S THE BABY? he jump up in your lap and throw his body backwards so that he’s cradled in your arm like an infant and nuzzles his nose into your neck as if to say ME! ME! I’M THE BABY.. NOT HER!!!

I have to find the video camera.. as annoying as it can get to be, it’s just too damn cute!

Where Sleeping Dogs Lie…

.. when they get cold, I guess

Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy has taken to sleeping BETWEEN my pillows now!

And yes.. the pillow cases DO match the sheets, Mom.. you just can’t tell in this picture!