Archive for November 24, 2009


Chief is known to get the munchies early in the morning. We all know WHY he gets the munchies so lecturing him on laying off the chocolate or how diabetes runs in his family and his sugar is probably in the 40,000 range means nothing.

And because we all know why he gets the munchies, I told him that he had to keep his munchie-stash out of the kitchen. There is NO reasons for the kids to get the munchies other then their kids and munch. So if we want to prevent Spaz from getting so big that he can’t fit through the door, then the candy and the cookies and the mini pies can’t be in their reach.

So Chief keeps them in his night table drawer.

Yesterday, our really cool vendor that gives us really cool stuff at a really cool.. ridiculously low price delivered about four cases of Keebler Peanut Butter Chunk Chocolate Chip cookies.

I swear that Chief’s eyes rolled back into his head and his body quivered like a rookie actress in one of those low low low budgeted porno flicks. So I rolled my eyes “FINE” and grabbed a pack for home.

I smuggled them into the bedroom before the kids could see them and promptly forgot about them.

I’m not a cookie / cake / pie / ice cream person so once they left my hands they also left my conscienceness.

Fast forward to this morning.

Chief usually wakes up first :: rather, I usually kick him awake because he NEVER hears the alarm :: .. gets dressed.. takes the dogs out.. and promptly gives them a treat when they come back in.

Then he wakes me up.. leaves for work.. and I spend the next 20 minutes yelling at the dogs that are weaving themselves in and out of my legs that NO MORE! ALL GONE! GO LAY DOWN! JESUS CHRIST YOU ALREADY HAD A TREAT!

The funny thing is, Bella knows what the word “treat” is so when I say it, she tries to get up on her hind legs and dance in circles but she’s too fat and usually just tips over like a weeble.. all the while making this WHOO WHOO WHOO sound.

So the whole cycle starts all over again..

Anyway.. THIS morning, they kept on prancing around the night table. I didn’t think anything about it because in between yelling at them, I’m yelling at Bubba to get his ass out of bed and doing some serious clock watching.

He finally gets up .. I wake up Spaz.. We leave.. I return.. Walk into my bedroom and what do I find?

The night stand drawer is open.. the wrapper from the cookie package is shredded on the bedroom rug so it looked like a tinsel factory exploded and there’s and the empty plastic tray that USUALLY holds cookies is sticking out of the drawer.

Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy IMMEDIATELY dives under the bed for cover. Bella TRIES to do something but she’s too wide so she basically attempts to put the Sad-Dog face on and telepathically convince me that is was ALL ERNIE.. even though she had crumbs stuck to the fur under her chin.

So.. taking a deep breath.. I call Chief

ME: Hey.. um.. yknow those cookies I brought home last night?

CHIEF: Yea..

ME: You had them in your nightstand, didn’t you?

CHIEF: Whhhyyyy????

ME: You had them there, right?


ME: OMG! I’m not accusing you of anything I’m only asking if that’s where they were

CHIEF: Well, I don’t know.. I hate when you ask me questions that you already know the answers to because it’s like you’re going to holler at me or something


CHIEF: Yes you do.. you get all like “Uh huh” “Uh huh” “yea, right”

ME: Tsk! Whatever.. that’s not the point.

CHIEF: Then what is the point? That I can’t keep stuff in my night table?


CHIEF: What?

ME: You didn’t hear me?

CHIEF: No. . I heard you but I had the drawer closed. They actually opened the drawer?

ME: Yep.. the knobs are loose

CHIEF: OMG.. they actually opened the drawer. It was Ernie, right? Ernie did it? I guess so because Bella’s teeth would probably fall out

ME: I doesn’t matter which one did it.. THEY ATE A WHOLE THING OF COOKIES

CHIEF: Um. It wasn’t a whole pack. We were up at 2:30 eating them.

ME: We?

CHIEF: Um.. yeeaaaa.. me and the dogs

ME: Oh my fucking God. You ate cookies WITH them.

CHIEF: So that would explain it…

ME: Well.. you can do all that explaining when you have to clean up all the diarrhea and vomit that’s sure to happen.

CHIEF: They’ll be fine

ME: Yeeaahhh… guess you forgot about the time they ate a whole case of Reese cups huh?

CHIEF: shit

ME: Exactly

My father-in-law is a trip.

In a good way.

I’ve heard horror stories from both Chief and Bird about how he treated his kids and ex-wife back when he was younger and a drunk.

I never had to live with an abusive alcoholic father :: heh.. I waited until I was older and married one! Late bloomer, I am! :: but he’s not that person anymore. As the story goes, he had a heart attack, almost died, found God and changed his life.

Seems to be working for him because I don’t see a trace of what he once was.


So him and his best friend from childhood Pete spend their days driving around in circles. Literally. They have nothing to do with their time so they drive around. Back and forth. From one place to the other.

They don’t really expand their horizons because Pete has a hard time seeing anything and my father in law can’t really hear. So it’s literally the deaf leading the blind. Plus, my father in law can’t drive in bad weather or once it gets dark because he has some kind of holes in his cornea or whatever.

But, yknow, NEITHER of them will admit to it. If you ask them, they’re still the Lithuanian studs they were 50 years ago.

So the other day both of them came in and Pete happens to mention that they had to go to the supermarket and get stale bread “.. for the birds.”

Now, I know where he lives he has these birds that will eat ANYTHING. And when I mean anything.. I mean A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G.. so Chief tells him he doesn’t have to go to the market.. that he has tons of stale bread in the shop’s kitchen that he was going to use to make bread pudding with.

So Chief goes in the back and grabs him a bag. Pete and my father in law giggle like they were just visited by the lingerie wearing tooth fairy with huge boobs. They take their bread and go on their way.

After they leave, I laughed and told Chief that I hope when I’m their age something a little bit more will make me giggle like that.

CHIEF: You know that breads for the seagulls, right?

ME: Hmmm?

CHIEF: When they said it’s for the birds, they meant the seagulls.

ME: Seagulls?

CHIEF: Yea.. you know how seagulls will battle each other for food?

ME: uuuuuhhhhh-hhhhuuuuhhhhh

CHIEF: They drive around until they find a parking lot with seagulls and then toss bread to watch them go crazy.

ME: Are you fucking kidding me?

CHIEF: (laughing) No.. I’m serious. That’s what they do.

ME: Entertain themselves by watching seagulls fight over bread…….

CHIEF: Yep. I swear. You can ask them

ME: I don’t believe it


ME: NO.. I believe it.. but I don’t believe it.

CHIEF: Yep. That’s my dad.