Posts Tagged ‘Friends’

Ok..

So you know that (No Longer) Weed has really taken cleaning up his act seriously. He’s been avoiding all his druggie / drinking friends except for one.. Harry Potter.

No.. not the books.

His one friend looks exactly  like Harry Potter except he has long hair. I know him and his family and they are really good people. Harry’s younger two brothers are complete fuck ups but Harry has his shit together.. works a third shift job.. is always reading something and has always been quiet and respectful.

Why him and (No Longer) Weed are still friends is beyond me but they are..

Anyway.. so Harry Potter likes to smoke pot every once in a while and (No Longer) Weed has been talking to him about stopping and even invited him to a NA meeting.. which Harry Potter went to.

Yesterday (No Longer) Weed was telling me that the Crack Whore FINALLY gave her consent for Harry Potter to use her car so him and (No Longer) Weed can go to the movies or book store or whatever when they got into an accident.

Apparently, Harry was switching lanes and there was a 2010 Black Cadillac in his blind spot. Harry is used to driving his mom’s mini van so I guess it was easy for him to miss a big black Caddy…

(No Longer) Weed said that they guy was cool about it and didn’t even want to call the cops. I thought that was a HUGE mistake but either the Caddy guy didn’t have insurance.

This is the second accident the Crack Whore’s car has been in in as many months so when he told me, I was like “.. yea, her insurance is going to go through the ROOF.”

Chief was like, “.. I said the same thing!!”

That is… if she even has insurance. Not sure of that either but although I did get a little giggle.. I’m sure this is going to yet another excuse for not paying her child support.

AND I’m wondering if she’s going to hound Harry Potter to pay for the damage. It WAS his fault and I’m sure he will want to pay for the damage but she also has to understand that he’s a kid, living at home and not making a shit load of money.. I know how she can be and I’m wondering if she’s going to cause a problem between Harry and (No Longer) Weed…

Is is me or do all Chinese Buffets look the same..???

So yesterday, I got together with two really, really good friends that I used to work with.

You know how people say, “.. we’ll get together?” or “.. keep in touch!!” or “.. we’re going to misssssssss you!!’ but they you don’t.. and they don’t.. and half the time you can’t remember someone’s name let alone miss them..

But these two gals, Cass and Chica became more then co-workers.. we became really good friends.

And so every once in a while we make it a point to get together for dinner somewhere in the middle between them and me.

Yesterday we made plans to meet a local Chinese Buffet that is WAY more then a Chinese buffet food wise.

It has everything.. and even though they have a more then usual assortment of more then the same old kinds of seafood dishes, there’s always something that I can eat. Seafood makes me blow up like a puffer fish and spasm on the ground.

Ok.

TMI.

I understand.

Anyway.. so yesterday we meet up for dinner and it’s early. Something like 4:30. Hell.. most people aren’t even home from WORK yet. I say that because the place was empty. Only about three other tables were full beside ours.

Now, I don’t know about you.. but buffets make a HUGE profit off of me because I really don’t eat a lot. Generally one place with a sample of six or seven things and then a second plate of fruit. :: I don’t know what that red stuff is they put on their bananas but it’s freakin’ AWESOME ::

This was the first time Cass and Chica were there so I got the stuff I wanted and then sat back down at the table and waited for them. It took them about five or so more minutes for them to sit but when they did, we got to catching up. And you know.. food was secondary on our thoughts.

Chica had recently bought a new truck .. her daughters were in Puerto Rico for the summer with their grandparents and she was making us laugh about this guy that she met.. and that other guy she went out with recently who’s sending her text messages telling her how he couldn’t live without her and wants to move her and her daughters to Texas.

Funny stuff.. especially because Chica has the same attitude and sarcastic wit that I do .. only with a heavy PR accent.

Cass has been fighting breast cancer and horrendous arthritis .. she had a double masectomy.. recently had reconstructive surgery.. both her hair and eyelashes are growing in .. her mom’s Alzheimer’s is getting worse… just a lot of stuff. But Cass handles it with humor and wit and we were rolling over in hysterics trading stories.

But we weren’t eating.

And the two waitress’ that were standing at the station behind our table noticed.

They kept on coming over to the table to see if there were dishes that need to be bussed or drinks that needed to be filled.

We finally figured that we better eat and get more plates so that they would leave us alone.

We did.. and the same thing happened.

But you know me.. I don’t take to that kind of pressure nicely.. ESPECIALLY because there weren’t people waiting for a table. If the place was busy, that’s one thing. In those cases, I usually just down my food and get the hell out of there.

So we’re talking.. laughing.. eating.. and even before we even made a DENT in our second plates, the waitress came over with the check.

Without Fortune Cookies.

Talk about saying “fuck you”.. huh?

No Fortune Cookies???

But we’re talking and eating and nibbling this and nibbling that and before you know it, the food is gone and we’re still sitting there talking.. and talking.. and talking.

The woman at the cash register kept looking over and the waitress’ kept buzzing around and finally we were like,  “.. we better get out of here.”

So we paid and left and honestly, I didn’t remember to leave a tip. I swear it wasn’t intentional.. we we’re just engrossed and it didn’t happen. I don’t have any excuse for that, tho. As much as they were pressuring us to leave, I wouldn’t purposely NOT leave a tip.. especially at some place I like going to.

Now we’re outside sitting on their benches yaking away.. and away.. and away.

Cass is starting to get stomach pains and gets ready to leave because she doesn’t want to have an accident in her pants on the way home.

She was wearing white pants so it’s completely understandable!

But OMG! She left her sun glasses at the table. We start laughing because no one wants to go back in there but finally they both vote for me because.. well.. I really don’t give a shit.

So I go up to the desk and say to Cashier Girl, “.. I left my sunglasses at the table.” making a motion that I was going to go over there and get them because I didn’t want her to think that I was bypassing protocol and seating myself.

She gets ballistic on me NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YOU NO LEAF NO THING!! TABLE CLEARED! TABLED CLEARED!

I have expected Ninja’s to drop from the ceiling the way she was acting.

So I was like, “.. No. Really. The glasses are at the table.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FIND NO THING. TABLE CLEARED!! TABLE CLEARED!!

Find.. whatever.. I’ll buy Cass another pair of freakin’ sunglasses.

So I go back outside and tell Cass. She wanted to let it go but because her eyelashes are still growing in and it was the time of day when driving in the sun is brutal, she was afraid that her eyes would tear too much and she’d cause a 980 car pile up on the highway.

So she goes back in and a few minutes later, she came out with her sunglasses. She tells me that they did have a pair behind the counter that were actually, nicer then hers but she went over to the table and found hers on the floor underneath.

We all got a good laugh out of it but it got me wondering… are ALL chinese buffets that way or just mine?

Probably just mine, huh?

Ok.. so I know that I’ve missed a few TMI Thursday. Not for um :: cough cough :: lack of content but simply, I forget it’s Thursday most times.. usually reminded when I find Project Runway on the cable grid fifteen minutes after it started.

HATE missing the first 15 minutes.

And.. yknow.. once Project Runway is over I’m toast so there you go.

Anyhoo…

So today.. since I’m basically snowed in AND it’s Thursday, I figured I’d resurrect the tradition!

At least I know that will make Gary happy and Mark pee himself. Maybe. That’s the goal anyway!

A little while ago, Gary posted posted a question on his blog that made me think of something that happened to me years ago… and was repeated to just about everyone who knew someone who knew what happened to me.

That’s A LOT of people folks.. since I generally laugh at myself and have no filter for embarassing myself.

Ok.. I left you hanging long enough.

CAUTION: The following may leave you with a visual you may not want. It may also leave you really offended or you may wind up spilling hot coffee on your lap. If you do, don’t sue. I have absolutely no money to hire a lawyer for frivilous lawsuits.

A’ight..

So in case you didn’t know, I had my woo-ha pierced. You know what a whoo-ha is, right? It’s a friend of mine’s term for the female part of the body that differentiates them from males. Yknow, the Y? The um.. Mound of Venus? The Va-jay-jay?

OK!!!!!!!!!! Geez!! The Clit.. alright? I had my clit pierced!!

If you didn’t know and want to find out alllllll about it, read HERE.

So maybe a week or so after it was pierced, I was having dinner with a group of friends that I used to work with. I guess about 6 or 7 of us. We went to this pretty upscale restaurant where my friend Gags knew someone who knew someone.

NOTE: I call her Gags NOT for the obvious reasons.

So I did the whole girly thing and got all fancied up. To mentally prepare, I even put on underwear.

Yes.. for those of you who don’t already know, I’m not a big fan of underwear.

WARNING: MEN SKIP OVER

I had.. well.. still have.. this really girly black lace thong / pantie set that makes my boobs look AMAZING!! So amazing that I can actually say that I know what Victoria’s little bitty secret is!

SAFE FOR MEN TO RESUME READING

I really wanted to wear these really awesome pair of heels that I had bought:

Please don't ask me why I have a picture of my shoes!

So since I generally buy shoes without caring if I have something to match them, I dug through my closet and found this really sweet pair of black pants that had this beading deal on them .. and a light tan suede top that wrapped around just the right way to show off a little bit of the black lace bra.

I can do the girly thing when I really.. really want to!

Anyway.. so we meet up at the restaurant and we’re having a good time catching up on this and catching up on that.

Right after the main course is served, I have to go to the bathroom. I drink ALOT of coffee generally and even more fluids were ingested during the wait at the bar for the rest of our group and during dinner so far.. so I really had to go pee.

I’m not a very good “.. I think I may have to tinkle so I’ll go now just in case” person. I’m the “.. wait for the very last nano second before having to race to the nearest bathroom and then unbutton.. unzip.. or pull down along the way” kinda gal.

And that’s exactly what happened.

I race to the bathroom.. bust into the stall.. start pulling down my pants… and OH MY FUCKING GOD THE PAIN.

A searing white hot lightening of pain that made me forget all about my need to empty my bladder.

What the hell?

I try lowering my pants and underwear again.. slowly this time.. and it won’t budge without my having to suck in my breath so hard to avoid the lightening.

And then it dawns on me. Oh.. son of a BITCH!!! My piercing poked through the lace of the thong and got all twisted up in there. It was so absurd that I started laughing. Not to myself, mind you.. out loud and proud!

I have this really bawdy laugh and when I find something really, really funny.. I laugh. Loud.

So I’m standing in the stall with my back to the door, digging down in my whoo-ha trying to get the little barbell-y thing untangled from my underwear. And the more I couldn’t.. the more I laughed.

Someone happened to come into the bathroom and heard me laughing.. but to her, it sounded like I was crying. I had heard the door opening so I wasn’t jumping out of my skin when I heard someone gently knocking on the stall door asking if I was okay..

Between laughs.. I said that I was fine.

She asked if I was with anyone in the restaurant and I told her again that I was fine, thank you very much.

Obviously, she had a good Samaritan complex and when she left the bathroom she went up to the nearest waitress and told her that there was a woman who was obviously distressed in the ladies’ room.

The waitress happened to be standing right behind Gags. Now.. you might have to “know” Gags to appreciate this but she she hears EVERYTHING. I mean.. EVERYTHING. Put her in a stadium full of people and she will tell you what everyone around her is talking about. Usually it’s funny. Not this time.

She hears the conversation between the woman and the waitress.. puts two and two together and very loudly says “OMG! There’s something wrong with Leese!!!” She jumps up from the table along with two more of my girlfriends and they rush to the ladies room.

While all this is happening, I’m still in the stall diddling my crotch. Trying to do that in 4 inch heels kinda throws off your balance so I figured I would leverage myself by putting one foot on the rim of the toilet seat. Yknow.. give me a little space to work with.

So I’m standing there.. with my foot up on the toilet rim trying to finish what I started and the heel of my foot slips.

Did you see the picture of my favorite shoes?

My favorite SUEDE shoes???

Forgetting all about my tangled underwear, I use sheer will to not have my tan suede shoes dunk in tidy bowl blue water. Grabbing onto the top of the stall walls helped. Alot.

But now I’m laughing even harder.. especially because I am in a very compromised position with pants almost at my ankles and holding myself up by the stall walls.

It’s at this moment that Gags and my other friends bust into the bathroom literally screaming LEESE! LEESE! ARE YOU OK? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?

Which .. yknow.. if I was a normal person, I would have just told her everything was fine but I’m not normal so I bust out laughing louder.

Gags has been my friend a long time and she’s been through a lot of ups and downs with me .. especially with the Spawn From Satan’s Ass.

She hears the laughing.. and I guess it must have sounded like I was bawling.. so with a loud OMG!! she literally dives under the stall door.. all brown and blond spiky hair and designer glasses and on her back.

The look on her face when she saw me hanging from the stall walls with my pants at my ankles and my foot in the air was PRICELESS.

It was one of those moments where it feels like time stops or everything moves in slow motion. It felt like forever but it was probably and instant before she yelled WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU FREAK????

Through laughs, I told her to help me get my balance.

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? IM HALF WAY UNDER THE DOOR ON THIS DISGUSTING FLOOR THAT WILL PROBABLY GIVE ME ECCCCZZZZEEEEMMMMMAAAAA!!!

Gags has this thing with eczema.

She winds up crawling all the way into the stall with me and having no real idea how it happened, I was able to get my balance. And between her yelling at me, I was able to tell her what happened.

And then she laughed.. which made me laugh.. which made our friends who were still in the bathroom wonder what the fuck we were doing.

JUST RIP THEM OFF FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

I told her I couldn’t do that.. that I liked this set.. and she nodded in complete woman understanding.

She then did what only a real BFF would do .. offered to untangle it for me. But that was just too freakin’ weird.. even for me. So Gags unrolled half a roll of toilet paper onto the floor.. made me take my shoes off.. and then I did this whole Houdini trick to step out of my underwear and when I finally did, I was able to do what needed to be done to get untangled.

My other friends had already left the bathroom once they found out what was going on so when me and Gags returned, they all stood up and clapped.

There was a large group at the table to the side, asked one of my friends what was going on and she loudly proclaimed THE ONE IN BLACK PANTS GOT HER PIERCING STUCK IN HER UNDERWEAR!!!!

You remember that shampoo commercial for Fabrege? You know that one.. it went something like “.. she told her friend who told her friend who told her friend and so on and so on and so on” ? …

yea.. it was something like that

.. but of course this would be my favorite cartoon!

While I’m thinking about it now, I want to take the time to wish each and every one of you a Happy Thanksgiving.

I had planned on doing it on the actual DAY but y’all know how I am.. my mind is like a sieve something and with everything I have to do up until dinner is over, I may not have the time. So I figured I would do it early .. instead of late.

Usually I’m late so take it for what it’s worth.

I’m trying here, people!!

At any rate, I hope your Thanksgiving is filled with love, happiness, family, friends and of course, thanks for the things you have in life and not getting all pissy about the thinks you don’t.

Everyday we wake up IS truly a blessing.

So Happy Thanks from me to you …

And don’t each too much dinner .. the holiday season has just begun!

My father-in-law is a trip.

In a good way.

I’ve heard horror stories from both Chief and Bird about how he treated his kids and ex-wife back when he was younger and a drunk.

I never had to live with an abusive alcoholic father :: heh.. I waited until I was older and married one! Late bloomer, I am! :: but he’s not that person anymore. As the story goes, he had a heart attack, almost died, found God and changed his life.

Seems to be working for him because I don’t see a trace of what he once was.

Anyway…

So him and his best friend from childhood Pete spend their days driving around in circles. Literally. They have nothing to do with their time so they drive around. Back and forth. From one place to the other.

They don’t really expand their horizons because Pete has a hard time seeing anything and my father in law can’t really hear. So it’s literally the deaf leading the blind. Plus, my father in law can’t drive in bad weather or once it gets dark because he has some kind of holes in his cornea or whatever.

But, yknow, NEITHER of them will admit to it. If you ask them, they’re still the Lithuanian studs they were 50 years ago.

So the other day both of them came in and Pete happens to mention that they had to go to the supermarket and get stale bread “.. for the birds.”

Now, I know where he lives he has these birds that will eat ANYTHING. And when I mean anything.. I mean A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G.. so Chief tells him he doesn’t have to go to the market.. that he has tons of stale bread in the shop’s kitchen that he was going to use to make bread pudding with.

So Chief goes in the back and grabs him a bag. Pete and my father in law giggle like they were just visited by the lingerie wearing tooth fairy with huge boobs. They take their bread and go on their way.

After they leave, I laughed and told Chief that I hope when I’m their age something a little bit more will make me giggle like that.

CHIEF: You know that breads for the seagulls, right?

ME: Hmmm?

CHIEF: When they said it’s for the birds, they meant the seagulls.

ME: Seagulls?

CHIEF: Yea.. you know how seagulls will battle each other for food?

ME: uuuuuhhhhh-hhhhuuuuhhhhh

CHIEF: They drive around until they find a parking lot with seagulls and then toss bread to watch them go crazy.

ME: Are you fucking kidding me?

CHIEF: (laughing) No.. I’m serious. That’s what they do.

ME: Entertain themselves by watching seagulls fight over bread…….

CHIEF: Yep. I swear. You can ask them

ME: I don’t believe it

CHIEF: I’M SERIOUS!

ME: NO.. I believe it.. but I don’t believe it.

CHIEF: Yep. That’s my dad.