Archive for November 12, 2009

… I think I skipped a week.

Not sure.

But if I did.. I apologize. Too much stuff going on!

Anyway so continuing in the tradition, here’s the next installment of TMI Thursday.

Have to warn you.. this is REALLY TMI so if you THINK you might be the LITTLEST bit offended, then I suggest you stop reading.



I have this friend Big Al.

Big Al is this flaming, rainbow flag waver wrapped up inside a 6’2″ corporate suit body. he’s my oldest friend and he was actually my go-to guy when I needed a Dago Dong made.

Anyway.. more then a few years ago, he tells me that he had gone upstate to get a tattoo and wound up getting his.. um.. err.. well.. he wound up getting the tip of his dick pierced. I think they call it a “Prince Albert” piercing but what the hell do I know.

Big Al tells me that the husband and wife team that owns the tattoo place are really, really cool people and that they’ve become really good friends and that they were traveling down from upstate to spend the weekend with him.. and HEY! WOULDN’T IT BE JUST FANTASTIC IF YOU GOT YOUR HOO-HA PIERCED??

ME: My what?
HIM: Your Hoo-Ha.
ME: My Hoo-WHAT?
HIM: Your “thing?”
ME: My THING??????
HIM: (totally frustrated now) YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU BITCH!
ME: (hysterically laughing) Ohhhhh… you mean my [edited for content]. Why the hell didn’t you just say [edited for content], you asshole?
HIM: BECAUSE! I don’t like that word.
ME: You have your dick pierced but don’t like the word [edited for content]? You’re fucking weird!

Anyway.. I have to tell you that I never thought about getting my [edited for content] pierced. Never crossed my mind and I wasn’t considering it after Big Al’s suggestion.

But he kept on it and on it and on it and the day before this couple was to arrive at his house, I figured “.. why the hell not.” ‘Cuz.. yknow.. y’all should know that I’m more then a little bit left of center!

He got SO freakin’ excited! He tells me that this couple is all about Mother Earth .. and Pele… and how our bodies are temples to be adorned and appreciated and taken care of.

Y’know, the “New Age” crap.

NOTE: Apologies to any New Agers out there reading this.

To be honest, I just let it go in one ear and out the other. Whatever. He tells me that they’ll come to my house because it has my energy and whatever and I told him that I really didn’t care as long as he was there because there was no way in hell that I was going to let a New Age couple from upstate monkey around my HOO HA!

So fast foward to the next day and Big Al arrives with this couple who looked NOTHING like what I thought they would look. Visualize Ken and Barbie meet the Stepford Wives.

So Barbie starts scoping around my house to find JUST THE RIGHT area with the BEST VIBES and settles on a corner in my living room. She moves my chaise lounge into the corner and starts to cover it with this sheet.

Nope. No way. There’s no way I’m putting my butt on a sheet that I didn’t launder myself. I didn’t know if there were any errant pubic hairs lingering around.

Sorry. Just the way I am.

She was a little put off about that.. but Big Al kind of gave her an eye roll that ALL TOO OBVIOUSLY said, “.. yeah, I know she’s strange but just put up with her.”

Which, of course, caused me to eye roll Big Al.

Anyway.. she ALL TOO OBVIOUSLY deals with it and I get my own sheet to cover my chaise.

While this is going on, Ken is setting up all these candles and lighting them. “This is going to be a spiritual experience” he said.

By that point, I’m really starting to regret the whole thing.

Everything gets set up and I lay down on the chaise pretending like I’m getting a gyno exam. Barbie pulls out a wad of something.. lights it.. and starts waving it over me.. chanting all this shit. The dude is coaching me like I’m in some kind of alien lamaze class “.. clear your mind.. think happy thoughts.. breath deeply.. visualize a warm pool or water enveloping you” .. that kind of shit.

Barbie is still waving her smoking whatever around.. chanting and dancing around like some LSD-tripping Woodstock casualty.

And I’m waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting.. and getting all tense because .. you know.. I’m getting my [edited for content] pierced for CHRIST’S SAKE AND WOULD YOU JUST DO IT ALREADY???????

And he does…

And as God is my witness, I have NEVER felt pain like that in my life. I’m talking like.. WHITE HOT pain that kind of blinds you? That makes your face numb? .. and I have a high threshold for pain but OMG just remembering it is making my eyes tear!

I must have screamed. I can’t see me NOT screaming when something hurt that bad! I do know that being the ghetto kid that I am, I jumped off of my chaise lounge and literally knocked Ken on his ass.

Barbie started chanting louder and waving her burning bush :: no pun intended! :: faster and Big Al was holding me by my shoulders trying to calm me down and I’m all like  WHAT.THE.HELL .. yknow? I told Ken and Barbie to knock off the New Age crap like.. NOW.. because everything in their arsenal wasn’t going to do nothing to “cleanse my chi” ..

To their credit .. or maybe their fright :: hard to know :: they stopped and started putting their stuff away. Meanwhile, I went into the bathroom and did my best contortion act over a mirror to try and see actually just how mutilated I was.

‘Cause, yknow.. I SWORE my shit was left back on the chaise lounge!

But it actually didn’t look so bad. I mean, I kinda dug it.. so I go back out to my  living room all.. like.. I’M SO SORRY I FREAKED.. IT LOOKS FANTASTIC .. blah blah blah…

They said it was nothing unusual .. that they had experienced ALOT worse. Big Al “humphed” at that but he can be an ass sometimes.

Finally they all left … leaving me with instructions on what I needed to do to promote healing :: sorry, but I wasn’t going to boil a rock dug up from my yard and then drinking the water :: and I was left alone with my new addition.

It’s been a few years since I wore “gential jewlery” .. for a variety of reasons.. Some where good reasons :: omg! wink! wink! :: .. some were bad :: how about getting so stuck in lace underwear when trying to use a public toilet that your $850.00 suede stilettos slide off the toilet rim and into the water :: .. some where .. um.. awkward :: crossing legs during a business meeting :: ..

But at any rate .. it was an experience and DEFINITELY qualifies for TMI Thursday!!




Bubba’s back.

That’s kinda horrible, right?

The fact that I’m not all blowing rainbow farts because Bubba decided that he didn’t want to live with the Crack Whore anymore?

Funny that the day he came to the shop and told Chief that he wanted to move back in was THE SAME DAY that Call Of Duty: Modern Warefar 2 was released, huh?

Funny that he knew we had pre-ordered it and was catering the release party at the local Game Stop and would have our copy at 12:01am.

Oh.. but then, I have a suspicious mind, right? And I’m not SUPPOSE to call him out on his manipulating mind, right? Oh.. and .. and.. because people can CHANGE, right?

The can’t change the fact that they leave wet towels on the floor or leave their dirty clothes within INCHES of the hamper… but they can change their manipulating behavior.


You know… it must be hard being a parent who wants to believe SO FUCKING BAD that their kid isn’t the way they really are. I would think that… at some point.. the blinders would start to itch and irritate your skin.

But at any rate…

So Tuesday, me and Chief decided to close the store early. We had been non-stop for 2 days getting the house ready for the borough inspection. Ok.. let me rephrase.. I WAS NON-STOP for 2 days. He put one late night in on Monday and then stayed up until 3am playing the new Call Of Duty game.

Once the milk order was delivered, Chief was loading it into the fridges and I was in the back… playing the new Call of Duty game. I hear a second voice and when I peeked out, I saw Bubba.

I went back to playing my round because I really had nothing to say to him.

A few minutes went by and he came into the back of the store and said that he was sorry.

I didn’t say anything for awhile.. didn’t even look at him.. but I knew. I knew at 12:02am that he would show up at some point after school.

So I had a decision to make. Either I try to move things forward or I just foster negativity and resentment.

I was ALL FOR the negativity and resentment but once again, I have to be the adult.

So I told him that I wasn’t going to hold a grudge against him because he’s a kid but that I hoped he learned something out of all this. He said he did.. that it was a dick thing to do :: now.. I’m not sure if he meant the way he acted was the dick thing or whether me taking the cell phone was a dick thing :: I told him that regardless of how much he thinks that we’re trying to ruin his life his father and I are only trying to teach him to be a responsible person because we’re the adults and that’s our job. I also told him that he caused a lot of bad feelings.

He said he knew and then he went back out into the shop to talk to Chief. I heard Chief tell him that he [Bubba] would have to talk to the Crack Whore .. that he couldn’t just go and get his clothes without talking to her.

So Bubba left and Chief told me that he told Bubba that coming back to our house was going to hurt the Crack Whore’s feeling :: um.. noooooo… having to keep paying 43.00 a week for two kids is going to hurt the Crack Whore’s feelings :: but he would have to deal with it because he caused it.

Then he said, “.. I told you he’d be back in 2 weeks.”

Then I said, “.. I told you he’d be back as soon as Call Of Duty was released.”

The he said, “.. oh.”

I told him that he really didn’t believe that the reason why Bubba wanted to come back had anything to do with their living conditions there or the fact that he was completely unsupervised.. or went to school when he wanted to or stayed home whenever he felt like it.. or didn’t have a curfew DID HE?

Chief had the good sense not to try and argue the point with me because he knew he’d lose. But I told him that he had better be damn sure that whatever conversation he had with him included the fact that he wasn’t going to live the same way he was living.. he wasn’t going to torment Spaz the way he was and he sure as hell wasn’t going to live like a pig in my house.

He promised that he told him all that but .. yknow.. he’s fucking delusional too.

So that afternoon, Bubba comes back to the house with his clothes in a white trash bag.

Spaz isn’t too happy about it and I can’t blame him. I’m not happy about it either. Because in the two days that he’s been back, his clothes are still in the trash bag.. only now the trash bag is ripped open so that he could pull out clothes to wear.. he still leaves his shit all over the bathroom.. still leaves piss on the floor… STILL hasn’t had any homework.. still tries to stay up past his bedtime.. still has that fucking mouth on him.. and has just disrupted my house again.

He’s like the fucking pink elephant in the room that won’t go away.

Spaz… who had been doing SO good mentally and behaviorally.. has started to revert back to being angry all the time and talking non-stop and lying about the stupidest things..

And Chief noticed.

The night Bubba came back, we had gone to bed and I forget what we were talking about but I said to him, “.. yknow, Spaz has been really trying hard to do the right things.” and Chief was like, “.. I know. Ever since Bubba went to live with the Crack Whore.”

So today.. when Bubba gets home from school, I’m going to walk him into his room and watch him as he puts his clothes away. I’m going to dog him about cleaning up after himself and will stand outside the bathroom door if I have to inspect the floor for piss after he’s finished.

Let the games begin…

… and bring on the Motrin.

55 gallon drums of it, please!