Archive for November 18, 2009

… so.

Everybody who “knows me” knows me knows that I am a shoe whore. No.. not an AWARD whore :: that would be Gary :: but a shoe whore.

I’ll oooh and aaaahhhh and drool and hyperventilate over shoes the same way some woman oooh and aaaaahhh and drool and hyperventilate over << insert celebrity of your choice here >> and it wasn’t nothing to drop a paycheck on a single pair of shoes.

This, of course, was before the responsibilities of step-children.

At last count :: maybe about 3 years ago :: I had over 300 pairs of shoes.

That number includes everything worn on my feet :: including the 25 or so pairs of Chuck Taylors (Converse All-Stars for you noobs) :: but my shoe of choice is the high strappy stiletto.

AKA: The Fuck Me Shoe

Meaning… they are best veiwed when the heels are pointed at the ceiling!

Ok. but anyway …

The other night when I was poking around the Cake Wrecks site, I came across a picture of a perfectly normal .. if not simply gorgeous.. cake that had me ooooh-ing and aaaaahhh-ing and crawling into that secret place behind the closet and secured by the Maxwell Smart doors to stare lovingly at my most prized possession.

So since like.. my birthday is like.. 7 months away.. I figured that would be more then enough time to surprise me with the cake below.. I mean.. if ya want to and all..

Be Still My Quaking Heart!

 

You know that you don’t have to feel like OBLIGATED or anything.. but the gesture would be really, really, REALLY nice!!!!

I’m just sayin’!!!

LOL

… Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!

Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy

You remember Ernie, right?

Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy???

Come on.. you know you do!

How could you not?

JUST LOOOOOOK AT THAT FACE!!!

Bleck!

Okay.. so last night I couldn’t sleep. Not at all. So about 1am, Bravo was showing Tabatha’s Salon Take Over and I’m all about the platinum haired, English bitch of all bitches going into hair salons and giving them a piece of her English bitch of all bitches mind.

Problem is.. if it isn’t on the History Channel or Syfy or has ANYTHING to do with aliens, Nostradameous or the end of the world.. Chief hate it and makes watching it so freakin’ miserable because he’ll make fun of everything while the shows on.

It’s one of things that you either conform around or break up about.

I’m not going to be the girl who breaks up a relationship over Tabatha’s Take Over Salon so I figured I would just go into the living room to watch it.

Because.. YOU KNOW!!!!.. no matter how hard he’s snoring he’s going to wake up the minute I put something he doesn’t like on television.

So I go out into the living.. get all settled in with my blanket and coffee and ashtray and start watching.

About 10 minutes go by and Ernie the Terrorist Puppy jumps on the “L” part of the sectional sofa and drops something from his mouth that falls right between the pillows.

Then he starts picking at it.

I look a little closer and OH MY FUCKING GOD it’s a mouse.

Jesus God in Heaven there’s a dead mouse stuck between the pillows ON MY COUCH and the damn dog is picking at it!!!

Now… as disgusted as I was, there is NO WAY in God’s green earth that I’m going to pick it up and dispose of it. No amount of paper towels is NOT going to let me feel it.

So I go into the bedroom and gently wake Chief up:

ME: Hon?………. Hon?……… Hey Babe?…………… Chief?…………… Hey Sweetheart?………….. Cheeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeffffff?? ……… Honey? …… Hey, hon?????…… OMG WOULD YOU JUST WAKE THE FUCK UP??????

CHIEF: huh? wha? huh?

ME: Hey.. I’m sorry to wake you up but can you do me a favor?

CHIEF: huh?

ME: Yea. .um.. there’s a dead mouse on the couch. Could you get rid of it for me?

CHIEF: what?

ME: There. Is. A. Dead. Mouse. ON. Our. Couch. Can. YOU. Get. Rid. Of. It?

CHIEF: ok. ok. I’ll get it.

ME: omg, thank you! I’m so sorry to wake you up.

CHIEF: ‘so kay

So I move away from the bed and then he starts to get up and then he rolls over and goes right back to sleep.

Are you FUCKING kidding me?

I go out into the dining room getting really, really PISSED OFF that he didn’t just jump out of bed and get rid of the mouse RIGHT THE HELL AWAY like I would have it he woke me up to pick up a dead mouse of the couch.

NOTE: And before y’all poo-poo that, let me tell you that he HAS woken me up in the middle of the night to kill a spider. So his spider is my mouse, okay?

So half my brain is really pissed and the other half of my brain is trying to figure out a way to be brave enough to do it my self and the other half of my brain is saying “… just go wake up Spaz. He’ll do it.”

Wait…

Half.. Half.. Half… Oh! Sorry. Not “half” of my brain… I meant the VOICES in my brain!! LOL

I was just about to get Spaz when Chief stirred and Mummy-walked out into the living room.. all wearing nothing but jersey knit shorts.

So he asks me where it’s at and I point to it and he tells me to get some toilet paper. Which was so unbelievable handy that when I handed it to him, he looked at me like I had some kind of HERO type powers of light and speed.

He turns on the living room light and goes over to the couch and says:

CHIEF: That’s not a mouse

ME: Of course it is

CHIEF: No. It isn’t.

ME: Then what the hell is it?

CHIEF: It’s dog shit.

ME: THERE’S DOG SHIT ON MY FUCKING COUCH?????????

CHIEF: Yep. Dog shit.

There are things worse then a dead mouse on my couch.. and dog shit would be one of them.

I start ranting and raving about where he could have POSSIBLY gotten dog shit because I had cleaned and scrubbed the basement and front porch earlier.. they can’t get upstairs anymore and there was nothing laying around anywhere else.

CHIEF: You may not want to hear this….

ME: It gets worse?

CHIEF: Um. yeah. Well.. the GOOD news is that you won’t have to worry about staining or smelling..

ME: …. and this would be beeeccccaaaauuuussseeeee?????

CHIEF: It’s.. um… stale?

ME: STALE?

CHIEF: Yea.. as in old.

ME: As in….?????

CHIEF: As in Ernie is a hoarder. He hoards poop. Obviously he has a stash of it somewhere in case he wants a midnight snack or something because this right here? Yea.. not fresh at all.

ME: OMG.. my dog hoards poop.

CHIEF: Call “INTERVENTION”. He needs rehab and we can’t afford it. The show will pay for it!

ME: Asshole

I saw a piece on Cake Wrecks in People.. or US.. or one of those weekly magazines that I buy that either make my life seem mundane or just so much better then it really is.

The article just showed a few pictures and I LOL-ed hysterically because we’ve all been there.. done that… ordered cakes where the words were mis-spelled or written in illegible handwriting.. or just.. just.. well, YKNOW.. just left your chin hanging to your knees and the WHAT THE HELL IS THIS spewing from your mouth!

I have a particular interest in it though because I used to work at a bakery in my late teens and although writing on a cake is “different” then writing with a pencil or pen.. it isn’t incredible hard.

NOTE: I know.. I know.. having perfect Palmer penmanship like I do helps but really … it isn’t all that difficult!

And I have been known to buy a cake at a supermarket and tell the pimply face kid behind the cake writing counter “No.. No.. Let me do it. Seriously.. LET. ME. DO. IT!!!”

The other thing is that the uber-chef that is my moron man used to run a well-known bakery/eatery for a dozen or so years and has created some amazing cakes. It’s always interesting to get his take on a design … well, sometimes he’s too fucking obnoxious about it with the whole “… they should have done this or that” which, of course, I THEN say .. ” yea, because you have cake designs all over the internet” which, of course he THEN says, “.. HEY! I’ve won this award and that award and the OTHER award.. THREE TIME!!” which, of course, I THEN say, “.. yea? Who cares.. you own a DELI NOW!!!”

Actually, that same conversation goes on and on so I’ll spare you the obscene length of it!

But getting back to Cake Wrecks … the best apart about it :: aside for the LOL-ing cake pictures :: is the commentary. You want to talk about fucking hilarious?? OMG..¬† too too funny and SOOO left of center!!!

So check it out.. I know you’ll love it!