Posts Tagged ‘Poop’

… Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!

Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy

You remember Ernie, right?

Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy???

Come on.. you know you do!

How could you not?

JUST LOOOOOOK AT THAT FACE!!!

Bleck!

Okay.. so last night I couldn’t sleep. Not at all. So about 1am, Bravo was showing Tabatha’s Salon Take Over and I’m all about the platinum haired, English bitch of all bitches going into hair salons and giving them a piece of her English bitch of all bitches mind.

Problem is.. if it isn’t on the History Channel or Syfy or has ANYTHING to do with aliens, Nostradameous or the end of the world.. Chief hate it and makes watching it so freakin’ miserable because he’ll make fun of everything while the shows on.

It’s one of things that you either conform around or break up about.

I’m not going to be the girl who breaks up a relationship over Tabatha’s Take Over Salon so I figured I would just go into the living room to watch it.

Because.. YOU KNOW!!!!.. no matter how hard he’s snoring he’s going to wake up the minute I put something he doesn’t like on television.

So I go out into the living.. get all settled in with my blanket and coffee and ashtray and start watching.

About 10 minutes go by and Ernie the Terrorist Puppy jumps on the “L” part of the sectional sofa and drops something from his mouth that falls right between the pillows.

Then he starts picking at it.

I look a little closer and OH MY FUCKING GOD it’s a mouse.

Jesus God in Heaven there’s a dead mouse stuck between the pillows ON MY COUCH and the damn dog is picking at it!!!

Now… as disgusted as I was, there is NO WAY in God’s green earth that I’m going to pick it up and dispose of it. No amount of paper towels is NOT going to let me feel it.

So I go into the bedroom and gently wake Chief up:

ME: Hon?………. Hon?……… Hey Babe?…………… Chief?…………… Hey Sweetheart?………….. Cheeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeffffff?? ……… Honey? …… Hey, hon?????…… OMG WOULD YOU JUST WAKE THE FUCK UP??????

CHIEF: huh? wha? huh?

ME: Hey.. I’m sorry to wake you up but can you do me a favor?

CHIEF: huh?

ME: Yea. .um.. there’s a dead mouse on the couch. Could you get rid of it for me?

CHIEF: what?

ME: There. Is. A. Dead. Mouse. ON. Our. Couch. Can. YOU. Get. Rid. Of. It?

CHIEF: ok. ok. I’ll get it.

ME: omg, thank you! I’m so sorry to wake you up.

CHIEF: ‘so kay

So I move away from the bed and then he starts to get up and then he rolls over and goes right back to sleep.

Are you FUCKING kidding me?

I go out into the dining room getting really, really PISSED OFF that he didn’t just jump out of bed and get rid of the mouse RIGHT THE HELL AWAY like I would have it he woke me up to pick up a dead mouse of the couch.

NOTE: And before y’all poo-poo that, let me tell you that he HAS woken me up in the middle of the night to kill a spider. So his spider is my mouse, okay?

So half my brain is really pissed and the other half of my brain is trying to figure out a way to be brave enough to do it my self and the other half of my brain is saying “… just go wake up Spaz. He’ll do it.”

Wait…

Half.. Half.. Half… Oh! Sorry. Not “half” of my brain… I meant the VOICES in my brain!! LOL

I was just about to get Spaz when Chief stirred and Mummy-walked out into the living room.. all wearing nothing but jersey knit shorts.

So he asks me where it’s at and I point to it and he tells me to get some toilet paper. Which was so unbelievable handy that when I handed it to him, he looked at me like I had some kind of HERO type powers of light and speed.

He turns on the living room light and goes over to the couch and says:

CHIEF: That’s not a mouse

ME: Of course it is

CHIEF: No. It isn’t.

ME: Then what the hell is it?

CHIEF: It’s dog shit.

ME: THERE’S DOG SHIT ON MY FUCKING COUCH?????????

CHIEF: Yep. Dog shit.

There are things worse then a dead mouse on my couch.. and dog shit would be one of them.

I start ranting and raving about where he could have POSSIBLY gotten dog shit because I had cleaned and scrubbed the basement and front porch earlier.. they can’t get upstairs anymore and there was nothing laying around anywhere else.

CHIEF: You may not want to hear this….

ME: It gets worse?

CHIEF: Um. yeah. Well.. the GOOD news is that you won’t have to worry about staining or smelling..

ME: …. and this would be beeeccccaaaauuuussseeeee?????

CHIEF: It’s.. um… stale?

ME: STALE?

CHIEF: Yea.. as in old.

ME: As in….?????

CHIEF: As in Ernie is a hoarder. He hoards poop. Obviously he has a stash of it somewhere in case he wants a midnight snack or something because this right here? Yea.. not fresh at all.

ME: OMG.. my dog hoards poop.

CHIEF: Call “INTERVENTION”. He needs rehab and we can’t afford it. The show will pay for it!

ME: Asshole