UPDATE PART SIX – Secrets

Posted: March 4, 2009 in Drama, Travesty
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

There was no doubt that I was being put through the wringer with all this. When Chief and I got together, I knew that being a step-mother to three unruly boys was going to be hard and if you ever say the movie “Overboard” with Goldie Hawn then that’s probably as good a comparison as I can give you.

Unfortunately, I’m not a millionairess like she is in the movie.

But this was even harder on Chief. Not only was he the one that was arrested but because it had to do with his son. The son that he let fool him into thinking that he wanted to clean up his act. I can only imagine the hurt he felt. The feelings he had to struggle with. How one half of him loathes him and the other half loves him. I can’t imagine that internal struggle when faced with the fact that the son you held high hopes for fucked you over.

I wanted to keep the store closed Sunday but Chief wanted to open it.. give him something to do, I guess.. or have a sense of normalcy. So we opened. Bubba was with us and at some point during the day, Spaz called him. Chief told him that he was at the store and I expected him to come right over but a few hours went by and he didn’t.

The crack whore had called the store and Chief went off on her. I can’t remember exactly what he said but do remember him telling her that I was going to come over to get both Spazz and all their stuff and if she gave him a problem then he was going to come over with the police and charge her with kidnapping because she has NO custody rights at all to the kids.

I went over and collected Spaz and all the boys clothes. I knew at this point that she was telling the kids that Chief was going to jail and that she was going to get custody of them and that I couldn’t do anything about it.

This got under both of our skins but she’s an idiot and basically she’s counting on him to go to jail because her having the kids means that she gets more welfare and had already put in for emergency housing when she found out Chief got arrested.

But that’s another post for another time.

When me and Spaz were driving back to the shop, we saw flashing police lights. We pulled in front and here’s Weed outside the store. As I walk up, I shrugged my shoulders as if to say, “… what’s going on” and Weed started saying that Chief assaulted him in the store.

I was like, “.. didn’t I tell you to give him space? The he didn’t want to see you or have you come near him? Didn’t I tell you that I would get you the money you earned working?”

He said, “.. I don’t care about the money. I just wanted to talk to him”

I said, “… but I TOLD you he didn’t want to talk to you or come around. Why can’t you just leave him be?”

The cop asked me who I was and I told him and then he told Weed to leave. Weed gave him an attitude and the cop told him that if he didn’t change his attitude, he would take him in for disorderly conduct.

Weed left and I went into the shop where Chief told me that Weed came in and when Chief told him to leave.. that he didn’t have anything to say to him.. Weed got up in his face and Chief lifted him by his shirt and threw him out of the store and called 911.

All day, Chief was fighting his hands shaking. He was fighting his emotions. He was fighting his mind. And by 5:00 it had taken its toll.

We had to go to a local store to pick up latex gloves and on the way back to the store he was telling me that he couldn’t rest. That he wasn’t able to get his mind to stop racing. That he was afraid it wouldn’t stop.

I had asked him about one of the prescriptions that the doctor had given him and he said he refused to take it. That he was on it before and it made him worse.

I asked about it and he was more then reluctant to tell me. I told him that he could tell me anything. That I loved him but I needed to know what was going on.

He said that there are some things that a person just doesn’t want to talk about. I told him that he could trust me.. that I wasn’t going to think any differently of him. He told me about when things were really bad for him. When he would hear voices telling him that nobody loved him… that nobody would miss him if he died.. that he tried to commit suicide.

He tried to hang himself but the rope broke. He put a gun in his mouth but it jammed. He turned the oven on but nothing happened. He tried running a hose from the car’s exhaust but the car ran out of gas.

As trite as it may sound, he said that he realized there was a purpose for him to be here but now that his hand keep shaking he was scared that the same things were going to happen again.

Honestly, I can’t tell you how I felt. On one side, I was completely sympathetic and just wanted to hold him and tell him everything was going to be all right but on the other hand, I questioned what I had gotten myself into and if I was going to be able to get through it myself in on piece.

I had already been in a marriage with someone who was mentally damaged and even though there is no comparison between Chief and my ex, I didn’t know whether I would have the strength to go through it all again.

He wasn’t stable.. he couldn’t function right. He had difficulties doing everyday simple things. His mind couldn’t focus on anything and I didn’t know what was down the road for us. I didn’t know if the shop was going to be a casualty.. didn’t know if our relationship was going to be a casualty.

This was, by far, the hardest thing I was about to face.

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