I’m A Fugitive From The Law

… guess I’ve been a little too vocal about our local law enforcement, eh?

So.. ok..

Earlier today one of the mechanics that work across the street from the shop stopped in and I asked him if he could take a look at my back tail light.

The back tail light that is cracked.

Since February.

When someone drove up my street AND my front lawn and got his front end stuck in my back end.

Wait.

That SO didn’t sound right.

Anyway..

So yea.. I didn’t do anything about it cause apparently, I’m not good with “follow through” .. at least that’s what my mom tells me.

But I noticed that the break light was out so I asked the mechanic to take a gander. I wanted him to do it on HIS time because he’s trying to open up his own place.. and he’s a good customer of mine.. so y’know.

Around 11:30am, he comes in and asks me if I wouldn’t mind driving to the parking lot on the corner because his boss was still at the garage and he didn’t want him to see him working on my car.

No problem, I told him… In fact, why don’t we just drive up to my house? It’s right up the street from the parking lot but not on the main street… this way, there wouldn’t be any chance that his boss would accidentally see him.

Now, picture an L.

My house is at the top of the long part of the L.. the parking lot is at the corner of the L.. and my shop is at the end of the short part of the L.

See my reasoning?

Now the long part of the L is roughly about a mile. So as I’m driving up the street towards my house, I could see a bright, flourescent pink paper stuck in my door.

Hmm..

My electric bill isn’t due.. my cable bill isn’t due.. the rent is not only paid BUT the check cleared.. and I already got the cut off notice for the water service. But that’s blue anyway :: get it? Blue? Water? ::

NOTE: Fret not about my water bill. We go through this every quarter. The inept water company NEVER sends a bill and the only way you know that your bill is due is when they stick the shut off notice in your door. I’ve been going back and forth with them for two years about that so I just accept things for the way they are.

As I get closer, I notice what looks like a municipal seal on the paper.

Great.

Is my grass too long? Are they finally objecting that I STILL have lighted Christmas dear sculptures in front of my house? :: I had hammered the “don’t blow away” pegs in too hard and now I can’t get them out :: or are they getting bitchy because I forgot to remove my trash can from the curb or don’t use their yellow recycle bin for recycling?

I park on the side of my house.. the mechanic pulls up behind me.. he starts working his drill.. and I walk around to the front of the house to find this:

Holy FUCK..

My first thought.. well, I had a few… was either something in Chief’s past caught up with him :: mainly the outstanding disorderly conduct citation he was issued a few years back when he was pulled over and wouldn’t turn over his license and registration until the cop told him what he did to be pulled over for :: OR Weed got himself into trouble again and they didn’t have his updated address.

So IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when I turned it over:

This was for ME!!

ME!!

ME????

ME who doesn’t do ANYTHING bad.. except argue with old ladies in supermarkets and have perfected the “rolling” stop at stop signs? ME???

NOTE: I have to tell you that I fleetingly did think that the Chicken Lady had something to do with this!

THEN I noticed the file number.. or summons number.. or whatever it’s called began with TR.

TR meaning TRAFFIC

And then it all made sense.

And then I wished it was for murder because.. in it all making sense, I was going to kill Chief.

Wouldn’t have been temporary insanity.. would have definitely been pre-meditated.

Let’s flash back .. oh.. about a year.

Chief had had a child support hearing at the county courthouse. He took the car I had then :: a Saturn :: and because he likes to thumb his nose at authority, he parked where he shouldn’t have parked and got a ticket.

NOTE: It’s REAL easy to thumb your nose at authority when your driving a car that isn’t in YOUR name, apparently.

I didn’t find out about this ticket until oh.. about 5 months later when I was putting the winter jackets away and in checking the pockets :: for candy bars, pens, money :: I found a warrant with my name on it.

ME: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
HIM: What?
ME: THIS!! THIS!! :: waving it around in the air :: THIS WARRANT WITH MY NAME ON IT THAT I JUST FOUND IN YOUR JACKET POCKET!!
HIM: Oh that? I paid that.
ME: What do you MEAN you “paid that?” When did you “pay that”? Better yet.. why didn’t I know I had it to begin with?
HIM: It was when I had child support court.. I didn’t want you to worry about it.
ME: So you paid it
HIM: Yep
ME: Are you sure?
HIM: Believe me, it’s all taken care of.

Now.. back to the present.

I asked the mechanic if he needed me because I needed to get back to the store. He said he didn’t so I started walking down.

And let me tell you something.. I don’t know how REAL criminals do it. I don’t know how they just go about living life knowing that they’re wanted for arrest because me? I was almost ducking into thorny rose bushes every time I heard a car driving up behind me. My heart was beating a million miles a minute and really, the only think I kept thinking was, ‘… OMG! I didn’t shave my legs. If I get arrested with hairy legs then some Prisoner From Cell Block H is going to think I’m down with the program and want to snuggle in that cold, concrete cell.”

Don’t throw stones, ok.. you never know what you’re going to think in situations like these!

I really just want to wait until I get to the shop to tell Chief in person.. I want to see his face when I question him about paying that parking ticket months ago.. but I was also scared that I would be arrested on the walk down there and figured he at least needed a heads up and scramble for bail money.

So I call him:

ME: Hey, remember that ticket you got when you went to the child support court thing?
HIM: Yea
ME: And.. um.. remember when you told me you paid it after I found the summons in your pocket?
HIM: (pause.. pause.. pause) Yea
ME: You paid it right?
HIM: Yea
ME: You sure?
HIM: Yea
ME: Then.. um.. why did the county come to the house to arrest me and left a bright pink piece of paper saying that?
HIM: What?
ME: Yea.. they came to arrest me FOR THE TICKET YOU GOT YOU SAID YOU PAID!
HIM: But I did pay it?
ME: :: In my best Law & Order impersonation :: When?
HIM: I don’t remember
ME: How? How did you pay it?
HIM: In cash
ME: Where’s the receipt?
HIM: In. The Saturn.

The Saturn that we sold about 4 months ago.

I had to hang up on him because I think he was bullshitting me.

I got to the store and showed him that paper. He said that maybe THAT wasn’t the one he paid.. but another one. I told him that he only took the car once and he said that he took the car like 3 or 4 times but he KNOWS he paid something the one time he went up there.

WHAT

THE

FUCK?

He said he didn’t want me to worry about it and I was like, “.. oh, like I’m worrying about it NOW, bucky?”

And I couldn’t look at him anymore.. I couldn’t stand being in the same room with him anymore… because from then and even until now, he never said he was sorry. Sorry that I was worrying.. sorry that I was going to be ARRESTED for HIS FUCKING TICKET!

Contrary to popular belief, when I get that angry.. I get quiet. And cold. It’s not that I want to ignore you.. it’s that I want you to FEEL the “pissed off” emanating from my pores.

We ran out of latex gloves and so I told him that I would walk to go get them.. it’s not that far.. maybe a 15 minute walk.. so I told him :: as I was leaving :: that I would be back shortly … IF I didn’t get arrested along the way.

The look on his face was priceless.. and one that will probably replay itself over and over again when the Prisoner From Cell Block H admires my hairy legs.

Up until I left the store.. around an hour ago.. I was an iceberg.. his attempts to try and hug me and kiss me were meant with twisting away moves that would make a Chinese gymnast proud.

And then I left and came home.

Where I’m at now.. obviously still enjoying my freedom but jumping out of my skin whenever there’s a knock at the door because you know.. of all days that social butterfly that is Bubba has to be home is today.

I called Chief’s cousin Bird and told her what happened.

She’s going to drive me up to the court house Monday morning to pay what I owe.. AND take her credit card in case there are MORE that I don’t know about.

Until then I think I’m going to take a few Tylenol PMs and just sleep the rest of the weekend away.

Family Secrets – Part Two: In Laws and Ex Girlfriends

… wasn’t really busy in the shop today. The last few days were killer so actually being able to stand behind the counter and read all the drama surrounding Michael Jackson and his kids in this weeks US Magazine was really a welcome relief.

Out of the corner of my eye, I happen to notice Sarge getting out of a black car. Normally, when he does pop around the shop, he’s in his work van so I kind of figured something was a little beyond unusual.

He just doesn’t come around for no reason.

I actually was waiting on a customer when Sarge, his wife and another woman walked into the store asking for Chief.

I told Sarge that he was in the back taking a nap and why doesn’t he go back there and wake him up. The other woman introduces her self to me and I shake her hand, apologizing for smelling like lunch meat.

Sarge’s wife, the Sea Hag, says dryly that that’s what I’m suppose to smell like. She meant because I was working in a deli but you have to know her to understand the context.

The Sea Hag .. for no reason and certainly no basis .. looks down on everyone and so I think even standing in our store was giving her hives.

At any rate..  Sarge returns from the kitchen soon followed by Chief who gives an OMG!! when he sees the other woman.

The Sea Hag immediately starts talking to me about my mother in law and the phone call I had received from her. Again reiterating that they weren’t the one’s giving out my phone number and that it had markings of something that the other brother would do.

She made it sound sinister and I told her that even though I never met the other brother, I can see how he would think that my cell number was the house number and really, there was no harm.. no foul.

She started telling me all these things about what her and Sarge had done for the mother and how the mother completely trashed them. How they spent a hundred dollars on food for her when Sarge was out of work :: making it seem like a hardship :: but that the mother turned her nose up to it.

I told her that I felt bad for the mother.. that having worked for a hospital that had owned a nursing home and required me to train their staff there, it was hard for me emotionally to come across people that were just casted off. I told her that I :: before the vile voice mail :: wanted to go visit her and that I had wanted :: before the vile voice mail :: to send her clothes and personal items annoymously :: which, of course, she said SHE wanted to do too :: but that I had to honor and respect Chief’s wishes.

She said that maybe we could do something for her together.. go visit her together but not get her involved in our lives :: contradictory to what she had said earlier about not having ANYTHING to do with her, mind you :: but again, I told her that I had to abide by Chief.

That it was about the whole “love… honor.. and obey” vow.

What I believe.. and you have every right not to go along with me here .. is that at some point in a relationship, a decision has to be made where both sides are at an impasse. And it is at such a point where someone needs to defer to the other. It could be Chief deferring to me or me deferring to him but someone is going to have to take the lead and it’s in those cases where I honor the “obey” part of my marriage vows. It’s trusting the other person enough to say, “.. ok. I don’t necessarily agree with you but if you believe as strongly as you do then I’m not going to keep [something] from progressing because I think I’m right”

It’s basically the art of picking and choosing your battles!!

At any rate.. she was going on and on about how Chief should go visit her. And I mean, really.. the way she said it and pointed her finger at him I literally wanted to jump over the counter and punch her nose through to the back of her head.

But that’s the kind of people they are…

Only SHE AND SARGE were the one’s that had to deal with her.. Only SHE AND SARGE were the “good” and “faithful” children who went to visit her etc, etc, etc.

It’s a crock of simmering shit is all that is.

So I told her what I had posted before… I did not grow up they way they did.. did not see.. hear.. feel.. or bear the scars of their childhood. Everybody has their own story.. their own version .. and then there is the truth. I am not going to judge anyone.. am not going to feel annimosity towards anyone else based on something I didn’t see.. hear.. or experience.

I am going on Chief’s word because he is my husband and my duty is to him. If  he.. as he said.. doesn’t want me to open the Pandora’s box, then I’m not. Regardless of my emotions or sentiments. He doesn not want his mother in his life.. in his kids lives.. in our life.. and that’s the way it’s going to stay until HE tells me other wise.

She got a little indignent but I couldn’t care less.

Apparently, our conversation was over because she said something to Sarge about leaving. The whole time me and the Sea Hag were talking.. Chief, Sarge and the other woman were having their own conversation and as everyone started to say their goodbyes, I heard Chief say something about emailing him and then tearing a piece of register tape.

I assumed he was writing down his email address :: which he never checks anyway :: and then we said our goodbyes and everyone left.

After they were gone, Chief said to me “.. well that was awkward” and I asked him why. He told me the other woman was his old girlfriend from when he was like 17 or something and that he was kind of pissed that Sarge just had thrown that on him.

I told him that considering the way Sarge is, he probably had a chubby just thinking about how Chief was going to react when they walked in.

On my part, I didn’t think anything of it. I knew that all the brothers had tons of friends :: both guys and girls :: growing up and that Sarge had become such a Facebook geek that he had reconnected with a lot of them.

Chief had told me about this particular girl before.. how her mother was crazy about his long-haired, motorcycle, bad-boy ass and that she [the mother] was the one responsible for talking him into going to culinary school.

I asked him if he thought that bringing her to the deli was the reason why the Sea Hag was so interested in monopolizing my attention and he said probably and then when he first saw her his first thought was, “.. omg, how am I going to explain this to Leese.”

Which I thought was a typical male response.

And I can’t say I’m bothered by it.. :: maybe a little by Chief’s assertion that he could tell she was thinking that he looked damn good :: because everybody has a past and I learned long ago that I can’t battle memories. But the masochistic side of me wonders what he was really thinking when he saw her. You know, how everybody gets the “What If” syndrome?

Make no mistake.. I know Chief loves me.. I know he knows what his life would be like without me. I am not a jealous person.. I am not an un-confident person :: for the most part :: but I am still a girl and sometimes there is a dose of competition that surfaces when you happen to be thrown into a situation where your brother in law brings your husband’s old girlfriend to your store! LOL!

Actually, I just think it was a shitty thing to do. Not so much for the sadistic-ness is seeing Chief’s reaction.. but for not at least thinking about how I would feel about it. How did he know that I wouldn’t just get all bent out of the shape or have it become an issue between me and Chief?

The fact is that he didn’t because he doesn’t care. All Sarge cares about is himself and the hell with everyone else.

Nice guy, huh?

The Things You Find Out By Accident

Whoa.

Hmmm.

Spaz was at the shop this afternoon when I got there after work. He didn’t have a particularly good day at school and told me his teacher was going to email me.. he then asked me if  he could tell me something in the back.

So we go back there and he tells me that Bubba was being a real bastard :: my word :: this morning.

NOTE: Bubba and Spaz CANNOT be in the same room together without a fight breaking out. It’s to the point where Bubba is only home when he really has to be and Spaz can’t say a sentence without trying to blame Bubba for the ills of the world. It gets very tense.. very frustrating.. and makes it impossible to take them anywhere together or even be near them.

It got so bad that both of them couldn’t be at the store in the morning without fighting and bickering and baiting each other. So for the last few months, Bubba has been leaving for school from the house and I would bring Spaz to the shop.

Before we got the van :: did I mention we got a van? No? Oh.. we got a van :: Chief would sometimes have to take my Mom-Mobile to the wholesalers before the store opened which meant, inevitably, I would be late for work.

Now, with the van, he can do what he needs to do and I can still be out of the house by 7 and get to work on time. The only problem was WHAT TO DO WITH SPAZ?

The answer was simple.. they were going to have to grow the hell up.. act like they are 11 and 14 and leave for school on time. I did it when I was their age. Younger, actually.

So we tried it one morning and Bubba wound up staying in his room until it was time to leave so there was no drama.

The SECOND time Bubba pulled an attitude and said that he will THIS WAS THE LAST TIME that Spaz was going to leave from the house.

Like.. yea.. he has just SO much say.. the little prince.

So today, Spaz asked Chief if he could leave from home and Chief said sure. Bubba went off again and Chief ripped into him. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth so I didn’t hear what was said but when Chief hollars.. he HOLLARS.

So the day didn’t start off well… so when Spaz said he wanted to talk to me, I kind of figured it was about something that happened this morning.

He told me that Bubba kept saying the “F” word.

Right or wrong, FUCK is used alot in our house. And although it really isn’t a justification, it was already being used frequently by Chief and Weed when I moved in and I use it more then my mother would like so it isn’t unrealistic to think that Bubba would say it to. He doesn’t say it in front of me or Chief but I believed Spaz 100% when he said that Bubba told him to “… get the fuck out of the house” or called him “.. a fat fuck”.

What I do take an issue with is that he told Spaz that nobody loves him.. which is Spaz’s achille’s heel.

But worse then that, supposedly, Bubba told Spaz that their crack whore mother wanted to get an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with him.

THAT.. THAT.. was a low blow.. even for Bubba. I know he meant to be hurtful but I don’t think he knows just how deep Spaz’s baggage is when it comes to his mother leaving. It’s bad enough that she never makes time for him and it always seems like he has to beg for her attention. So hearing that was NOT going to help his self esteem any.

Right away, I got defensive for him and said, “… what does he know? He was like 3.”

Chief asked me what was going on and I told him.

He.. very non-chalently.. said, “.. Oh, she wanted to abort Bubba too.”

I gave him a look like .. SHUT UP!!. and rolled my eyes towards Spaz.

I was shocked. Maybe not really “surprised” given that there are times when Chief admits that Bubba and Spaz may not really be his.. and given the fact that she did nothing but .. well.. “run” I don’t think is an accurate description since she was stripping, prostituing and had a web-sex cam gig all while he was working his ass off providing for her and the kids.

Yea.. deep, right?

I told you she was a cunt.

I know how Chief feels about abortion. Being raised in the Pentecostal church, he is definately Pro-Life.. but he told me when we first met that he couldn’t tell a woman what to ultimately do with her body.

I guess he feels differently towards it when the woman in question is his wife but whatever… it just confirmed, for me, that maybe these kids aren’t his and that was the reason why she wanted to abort them.

Maybe it’s just … I don’t know.. the universe just feels a little off kilter right now.

I’m not going to bring it up.. I really have no reason to and what happened in their marrige really isn’t any of my concern or business.

It just makes me think.

Secrets

… panties help curb camel toe

Secrets

I’m sure that most public restroom now have the paper toilet seat liners so if you ever realize too late that there isn’t any toilet paper, use one of the liners.

They’re not as comfy as the regular stuff but it beats straddling the toilet and drip drying for a hour.

And in case you have to poop and don’t want anyone to hear the “kurplunk” toss a liner in the toilet water and that will prevent the noise of your composted food hitting the tide!

Now the smell? Well, you’re on your own with that.