Bad Boys.. Bad Boys.. Watcha Gonna Do When They Come For You

“You” meaning “Me”

If you search around this blog, you will find previous posts about the obscene amount of parking tickets I get on Street Sweeping day. That’s because my house is on the point of three intersecting streets and every bloody day is Street Sweeping day and I still.. after three years.. have yet to understand which side gets swept on which day at which times.. especially because apparently, this information is tribal fucking legend with no signs posted for the memory challenged.

On the day the Street Sweeper comes around, the truck is followed by a cop car and if you’re parked where you shouldn’t BE parked, they write you up on a blaze orange envelope and stick it in your windshield.

The cost is 15.00.

I used to pay them as soon as I got them before.. before I was laid off.. before the shop started to tank.. before I somehow became responsible for paying (No Longer.. Maybe) Weed’s criminal fines.

And sometimes I wouldn’t even GET them.. either the wind took them.. or one of the bratty neighborhood kids took them off.. sometimes Chief would take them off and I wouldn’t know about it until I got a summons in the mail.

A few times I put the cash in the blaze orange envelope to be deposited into the special mail box at the courthouse down the street from the store and on the way to Bubba’s school and the Crack Whore’s apartment.. but somehow those little envelopes just never made it in there.

That stopped REAL quick.

So Tuesday, Chief had cut his finger really bad. He couldn’t be around food and since yet another cable/internet tech was due at the house to fix our shit, I told him to just go ahead up to the house and wait for them. It made no sense for him to be at the shop when he couldn’t do anything and it is a very rare day when he isn’t in the store from sun up until well past sun down.

See! That was me being nice.

Anyway.. what I don’t find out until the next morning was not only was the cable guy there, but the constable was there.

To arrest me.

For unpaid Street Sweeping tickets.

In the amount of $228.00.

I had twenty four hours to handle my shit .. well, less by time Chief told me and I freaked out.

I didn’t freak out because the constable was there.. I freaked out because THIS IS NOT ME .. I don’t let shit like this go.. I always paid what I needed to pay when I needed to pay it.

Until I met him.

Did you ever hear of regret breeding contempt?

Yea.

Almost there.

Especially because Chief PROMISED me that he’d have money for me to take up to the courthouse by the end of the day and he didn’t. He had half of it in the store’s bank account and was REAL reluctant to withdraw it for me.. and even though that’s bad enough.. I really saw RED when he said, “.. you’re going to give it to me back, right?”

Lord Jesus how I didn’t murder the man right there.

Instead.. I bitched him out like he’s never been bitched out before and I pulled out every fucking ace from my sleeve regarding how many times I’ve given him money for the store and he’s never given it back to me.

I believe I even though something across the store but in all honesty, I was so white hot angry that I don’t remember.

Because, you see, what I found out about this man over the years is that not only is he not good with money.. but he’ll do whatever it takes to get what he needs. Sound familiar? He’d be the male Crack Whore if it weren’t for the fact that it’s about his “needs” not his “wants”.

That might be a little too harsh but just writing this is getting my blood boiling. So I apologize in advance for sounding pissed off.. especially something that happened a week ago.

The store is behind on the rent .. business has been down.. and my unemployment check can only be stretched so far. I’m not going to NOT pay the house rent because the store has empty shelves. Sorry, not gonna happen.

The last time the electricity got cut, I told him that THAT was never going to happen again.. and either he better call up the electric company and work something out OR get used to living like the olden days because I wasn’t going to borrow money from anybody to take care of a bill that he didn’t take care of because he needed the money for the store.

He is working his ass off to get over the hump .. another deli opened about a block away which is killing business .. even opening up on Sundays again to make extra money.. but he’s just not business savvy. The boy can cook his ass of.. but other then that, he’s virtually useless.

So that whole attitude and OH MY GOD I CAN’T PAY MY FINE BECAUSE I’M PAYING YOUR FUCKING SONS statement didn’t really make for a happy time in the store but you know what? He gave me that check.. I paid the fines and had the warrant lifted.. and now (No Longer.. Maybe) Weed is on his own.. the shop is on it’s own.. it’s either going to sink or swim on it’s own because I’m not putting any of the personal money into it.

Whether he knows it or not.. it’s just the way it’s going to be.

Catching Up…

… sorry for being MIA for awhile.

We switched cable/internet carriers and there was this whole snafu about the wireless router and THEIR customer service telling me it was my laptop and MY customer service ( meaning Chief ) telling them it was THEIR router.. it went on and on and on and after three or four phone calls.. a half dozen techs and one very nasty letter to the CEO of the cable company, I’m back online again.

NOTE: If you ever need to send a very nasty email to a CEO, the put “OUTSTANDING SERVICE” in the subject line and then begin the body of the email with “… so wish I could say that BUT” .. works every time!!

So what you’ve missed in the meantime is:

THE USUAL SAME OLD SHIT

Along with:

• Spaz did get punched in the face by a classmate.
• Bubba may be popping pills.
• A warrent was issued for (No Longer .. but Maybe) Weed’s arrest for missing a court date.
• A warrent for MY arrest for an unpaid parking ticket
• Non-payment of Child Support Drama.
• A visit from one of the crack whore’s johns benefactors.

All of which I’ll post about individually to spare you AND me a long.. drawn out post!! LOL!!

Plus, there’s a few other things I want to write about.. namely, America’s Got Talent and DADT.

But right now, I have to pick up the dead mouse that’s underneath the dining room table.

Yep.. it’s that time again!!

Lucky.. lucky me!!!

Free At Last.. Free At Last.. Great God Almighty I’m Free At Last!!!

… I think that’s how it goes.

Anyway.. so I am not longer a fugitive from the law for an unpaid parking ticket that I didn’t know about.

I called the District Court this morning to find out exactly where they’re at and the woman told me that they only accepted payments until 3:30pm.

Bird came down with some sick, twisted variation of the swine flu so I thought I was going to have to drive out there alone.

I really didn’t want to do that because with me, you never know what might happen :: have you realized that yet? :: so I had a little lip-chewing action going on. Usually, Chief’s dad pops around the shop and hangs out for .. well.. EVER and half the time I’m looking for ways to ditch in the back :: the man thinks I have a serious urinary problem :: but I was hoping today that he would show up. He’s at the age where he will jump at the opportunity to do ANYTHING that breaks up his routine so you know what happens, right?

He’s no where to be found.

Chief’s solution is to over-night the payment and I’m like.. yea. Right. Because YOUR batting a thousand on the idea diamond right, bucky?

Anyway.. I give his dad a call asking why he didn’t show up today and he said he had to run some errands but he’ll stop by. It’s about 1pm.

2.5 hours to deadline.

So I wait.. and wait.. and wait.. and he finally pops in around 1:30pm.

2 hours to deadline.

I ask him if he wants to drive me to where I needed to go and he said sure but he still had one thing to do before we could leave. Would only take him 10 minutes at the most. No problem. Go do what you have to do.

He comes back at 2:30.

1 hour to deadline.

By this point.. with the morning I’ve had.. I think that maybe spending the night in jail would do me good. No kids.. no dogs.. don’t have to worry about making dinner, etc.

But he shows up and he insists on driving. He says it’s because he can drive around if there wasn’t a parking spot but I know it’s really because he had a difficult time getting in and out of my wagon.

He warns me for the 1000th time that I can’t smoke in his Astro but that doesn’t bother me. If I’m somewhere where smoking is prohibited, it doesn’t bother me much.

What he NEEDED to warn me about was his freakin’ driving!

I’ve been driving so long that when I’m a passenger I’m prone to getting car sick. OMG.. I hate being carsick.. Even when I was younger and my father would drive us to .. well.. ANYwhere.. my mother never left the house with a milk jug filled with water.. crackers.. plastic bags to get sick in.. and a box of tissues. It’s not so bad if I’m sitting in the front seat but FORGET the back!

Don’t get me wrong… he’s a good driver. Until he has to stop. Then it’s the last minute jam on the brakes that lurches you just forward enough so that you don’t go through the windshield but far enough so that your stomach flips.

Imagine that on a highway that is all peaks and valleys.

We finally get there and I understand my mom’s obsession with water, crackers and plastic bags. But I will myself to not blow chunks and I’m impressed with myself because it worked.

So I go in the courthouse and ask the lady at the window if this was the right place to pay a fine. She asks me what kind of fine and I pull out the bright pink piece of paper.

THAT’S AN ARREST WARRANT she says so loud that the other people waiting in the office all turned and looked.

FOR A PARKING TICKET I DIDN’T KNOW I HAD I had to say just as loud.. or louder. Just so .. like.. these people know that I’m not involved in any drug cartels :: well, there is Weed and the Crack Whore :: or up for murder or something.

She makes this little sarcastic “hmph” noise and goes somewhere behind the window. I’m assuming that she’s processing something to make my fugitive status go away but she comes back to the window with a handful of papers that she rifles through until she finds the Post Office’s green return receipt card.

She literally slams it down in front of me and says “.. so you’re saying you never got this?” pointing to the signature.

NO.. I said.. not only didn’t I SIGN it.. it’s not even MY NAME.

She gives me a look and I start thinking that maybe this is opening up a can of worms that I don’t want to see the light of day so I put on my most sincerest fake smile and tell her that I just want to pay the fine. Obviously someone in my house :: Chief :: signed it but I’m not worried about it. I just want to pay what I owe.

She then gives me what I believe to be HER most sincerest fake smile .. complete with little head tilt .. and put her hand out for the money. It was 119 and change so I give her 120. She asks if I have the change because they’re really low on coinage and I tell her that I don’t but it’s fine. They can keep it.

Nope. No can do. They have to give me the change so everyone in the room is digging through their pockets and handbags to come up with change for a buck. I offer to go out to the Astro and see if Chief’s dad has change and she said :: omg, I still can’t believe it :: She said:

IF YOU LEAVE THIS ROOM BEFORE THE TRANSACTION IS COMPLETE, YOU WILL BE ARRESTED.

Are you fucking kidding me? YOU owe ME change.

I said that.

I shouldn’t have.

She went on this little tirade behind the glass that completely captured the attention of her co-workers and sent me their evil glares.

But somebody came up with the change and I had to sign a piece of paper stating that I was guilty. I contemplated signing the Not Guilty line but figured I had pushed the envelope as far as I could and I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

I was quite relieved when I got back to the Astro.

The ride home seemed a lot longer then the ride up but that was because Chief’s dad had that brake thing going on again and I just barely made it back to the shop before I heaved up everything that had been in my stomach for the past few days.

So it’s over..

Thank GOD!!!

How A Road Scale Almost Killed Me At 1:30am

Do you know what road scales are?

I’ve lived in this county for two YEARS and I had no clue what they were until a little while ago.

If you DON’T know what they are, I’ll tell you.. because my adrenaline is UP.TO.HERE from having spent the better part of 3 hours with the laundromat’s underbelly and WAY too much caffeine.

Apparently, a road scale is a scale under a road that controls the traffic light. If you are the only car / truck / van / vespa on the road and are NOT stopped on the scale :: designated by two thin strips of metal about 3ft long :: , the light won’t change to green. And you’ll sit and sit and sit and curse and curse and sit some more until the traffic light literally laughs at you.. calls you a loser and changes to green.

In my case, it took about 10 minutes of mockery before my heart almost burst from my chest in fright.

So what happened?

Ok..

So my make a left coming out of the laundromat’s parking lot onto the Pike and then make a right at the first traffic light. This puts me on a road.. lane.. whatever.. that has been there forever but has evolved into one of the most heavily traveled roads that cuts through the county. I go through the first light and then am SUPPOSE to make a right at the second light that will put me a hop-skip-jump from my house.

Now, I’ve driven on this road a million times.. and even at 1:30am, there’s always more then just ME on the road.

Until tonight.

I guess everybody ELSE in the county and it’s surroundings had better things to do. Like sleep.

So I approach the light .. which is red .. and stop.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

I know that it’s a long light to begin with and in all honesty, I had to go pee really, really bad :: too much caffeine :: and you know how time never moves when you need to run to the bathroom, right?

So while I’m contemplating whether or not I should make a illegal turn on red.. I hear that familiar chirp come up behind me blinking those pretty red and blue lights.

HOLY CRAP, BATMAN!! IT’S THE FUZZ!!

HOLY CRAP, BATMAN!! IT’S THE FUZZ AND YOUR HANDBAG IS IN THE OTHER CAR!!

My other car being parked at my house… about a block away on the right.. that big, white, monster of a refuge with wooden railings :: my land lord is a dick :: ..

My heart starts beating out of my chest and I’m trying not to look in my rear view mirror as he pulls up behind me and gets of the Crown Vic :: so cliche’ ::

My whole body is getting tight and I’m doing the “omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg” mantra one does when you realize that your freedom’s will be lost because of an unpaid traffic ticket.

I swear everything was moving in slow motion.. HA! Copper was doing this ON PURPOSE! Sure! Make me sweat! Then I just might roll over on the evil doer who’s not picking up after their dog on the cemetary side of the rode! I read that 3 column article in the paper! I know you’re looking for him!

So I may be exaggerating a little about my nerves.. well, maybe not but all I can tell you is that THIS was it. My keen awareness of my surroundings and spot on spider senses kept me as a fugitive this long.. and now I was being brought down by a red light.. at 1:30am.

As the cop is walking towards my car, I figure that my best course of action was to put the car in reverse and leave tire tracks on his chest tell the truth.. OR pray for the green light to that I can take off and legally make a right turn to my house! No.. that isn’t going to work. I’d have to tell the truth.

He was within 2 feet of my driver’s side window when I did a very.. very.. girl thing.

I started to cry.

No the sobbing.. bawling.. wailing reserved for the unexpected death of a loved one.. but the quiet bottom pouting boo-boo lip tears usually reserved for when you get arrested for an unpaid parking ticket that wasn’t yours that your idiot man told you he paid and you can’t pay it to avoid arrest because of a stupid federal holiday that nobody really celebrates anymore.

That kind of crying.

He gets to my window and by now I can’t breath.. my hearts pounding and I’m all IKNOWYOURGOINGTOARRESTMEBECAUSEIHAVEAWARRANTBUTCOULDI
PLEASEUSEYOURCELLPHONEFIRSTTOCALLHOMEANDLETTHEMKNOWFIRST
BECAUSEIFORGOTMINEANDIEVENFORGOTMYHANDBAGWITHMYDRIVERS
LICENSEINITANDSTUFFSOYOUCANJUSTGIVEMEATICKETFORTHATTOO
BUTsobsobNOBODYISGOINGTOKNOWWHEREIMATANDIJUSTWANTTHEMTO
KNOWSOTHATTHEKIDSCANGETTOSCHOOLONTIMEANDTHEYLLHAVECLEAN
SCHOOLCLOTHESBECAUSEIMJUSTGETTINGDONEATTHELAUNDRAMAT
sobsobANDISWEARIWASGOINGTOTAKECAREOFTHISIEVENSTILLHAVEEVERY
THINGINMYPOCKETBUTTODAYWASAHOLIDAYSOTHEREWASNTANYTHING
ICANDOABOUTITANDIKNOWTHATEVERYBODYALWAYSSAYSTHATBUTI
SWEARICANSHOWYOUTHEBRIGHTPINKPIECEOFPAPERWITHTHEMONEY
PAPERCLIPPEDTOIT

He was all WHAT?

And I started the whole spiel all over again :: probably verbatim because that’s how I roll :: and he shined his flashlight into my car and said, “… you have an outstanding warrant for your arrest, ma’am?” AND THEN PUT HIS HAND ON HIS GUN.

I almost rolled out of the car and assumed my own position!

I took a deep breath.. two, I think.. and got a grip on myself and explained to him in a calm voice that in the console of my car he would find the impending arrest notice with the money owed paper clipped to it. I received the notice on Saturday.. was going to pay it today but since the courts were closed, I wasn’t able to.

He told me to slowly… SLOWLY.. open my console and show him. Which I did. VERY SLOWLY.

He was all like “oh. Traffic?”

Like the last three days of my hell meant nothing to him.

I nodded my head and he asked me where I lived and what I was doing out this late. I told him and he shined the light in my eye asking me if I had been drinking or “.. indulging in illegal substances”. I told him only coffee. A lot of coffee.

I asked him if he was going to arrest me and he said he wasn’t.

OMG.. you might have thought that someone handed me a check for a billion dollars. I was so relieved I actually felt weak. Like I was going to melt into the car seat.

He asked me if I knew why he approached the car and I said that I had no. I was just sitting here waiting for the light to change.

HIM: You’re off the scale.
ME: (laughing) Well, I usually get that I’m off the chain
HIM: No. You’re off the road scale.
ME: What?
HIM: The road scale.. THE ROAD SCALE

You could have so told that he wanted to add “.. you dumb bitch” at the end!

ME: I don’t know what a road scale is
HIM: THE. ROAD. SCALE

He yelled that and shined his light onto the thin metal strips that were about a foot in front of my car.

When he realized that I really didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, he told me what it was and what it did and said that he was sitting in the parking lot of the drug store down the street and noticed that the light wasn’t changing and only drove up to tell me that I had to move my car up to get the light to change.

He told me that I should really know that.

I told him I didn’t remember reading it in the state’s driver’s manual.

He told me that he could still arrest me.

I told him that I was going to move my car up so that the light could change and that I could get my simple ass home.

He said that was a good idea.

And that’s what I did.. obeying the speed limit and coming to a complete stop at the two stop signs that delayed me from getting to my bed.

When I got out of the car, my knees were literally like noodles. My heart was pound and I swear my hands were shaking but I can’t confirm or deny that.

All I know is that that damn ticket is getting paid ASAP .. and I’ll be sure to look out for the thin metal strips of road scales!

Still A Fugitive..

So.. heh.. remember a few posts back when I said that God likes to fuck with me?

Well… maybe I didn’t say it QUITE like that but you get the point.

Anyway..

So since I found out that I was a fugitive from the law because of a parking ticket that I DIDN’T get and one that Chief SWORE he paid, I’ve been waiting for this morning so that Bird can drive me to the District Courthouse so that I can pay all 119.24 of it.

I completely IGNORED Chief’s suggestion that I go directly to the county courthouse because if I go to the address of the District Courthouse that was on the BRIGHT. PINK. NOTIFICATION. OF. IMPENDING. ARREST. it’ll will cost me 119.24 … BUT if I go to the County Courthouse.. it’ll only cost me 63.70 because then I wouldn’t have to pay the additional money the constables charge for the bright pink paper, printer ink and the gas it took to drive to my house.

I calmly told him that I wasn’t paying anything… HE was paying for it.. and I would rather pay the source with an additional 55.54 then to go on faith that the County and District talk to each other about important matters.

Important matters being MY freedom!

Anyway.. getting back to God and His sense of humor..

Today is Columbus Day .. a day that I ordinarily celebrate due to my Italian heritage.

A day that I always looked forward to because I got the day off from work.

A DAY WHEN THE COURTHOUSES ARE CLOSED!!!

So I couldn’t pay the fine.. I’m still a fugitive.. and I still have to dive in thorny rose bushes when walking down the street because .. yknow.. FUGITIVES AREN’T GIVEN A HOLIDAY FROM THE LAW..

But I did shave my legs.. so at least I’m good there.

Anyway.. so Thelma and Louise me and Bird are going to take care of this thing tomorrow.