I’m Suing The WPCA, SPCA, ASPCA and PETA for Emotional Extortion!

Ok.. I’m done.

I’m in bed with Chief snoring next to me.. Moan-ah at the foot of the bed.. and Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy doing his neurotic OMG I HAVE TO GET UNDER THE COVERS routine and doesn’t stop until he’s all wrapped up like a burrito.

The dog’s an idiot.

The internet is not offering anything stimulating so I figured I’ll turn on the tv because that will put me to sleep in like.. 5 minutes.

I switch the channel to Discover I.D. or something like that..

So I’m watching this show and then THE commercial comes on..

The sad music..

The voice over saying, “… she watched her mother get shot and now she lives in a wooden box.”

The video showing a baby monkey in a crate..

No! NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!

The voice over saying, “.. he watched his mother get beaten to death”

The video showing a baby bear cub.. patches of hair missing.. iron collar around his neck chained to a post..

The voice over saying, “.. now he gets beaten unless he dances”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I start humming out loud, desperately trying to find the remote that’s all twisted up in the Ernie burrito..

The voice overs keep coming, “.. she saw her sisters be drown” … “he saw his mother worked to death”..

And I’m afraid to even THINK about looking at the television screen because if there’s anything.. ANYTHING.. I’m a sucker for it’s animals and seeing pictures like that.. or hearing stories like that.. or even THINKING about things happening like that make me a big puddle of weepy jello ..

I go to jump out of bed and manually change the channel but I forgot Bella is sleeping on the floor next to the bed so when I put my feet on the floor, I accidentally step on her.. and of COURSE it would be on the side where she has really bad arthritis on her hip.. so she yelps and gets up and starts hobbling..

Now I’m devastated and I’m trying NOT to step on her again as I try to get around her and her black coat in a dark room when I catch a picture of the baby donkey with it’s front leg tied to it’s back leg trying to walk and then I just LOST IT.

LOST IT!

I start the whole silent sob thing because of what’s been lasered into my brain and because of hurting Bella and of course, I’m not really silent doing anything so it wakes Chief up.

He gets all panicky because I’m crying and he’s trying to get me to tell him what’s wrong and I can’t get the words out so all I can do it point at the tv and then he gets it.

Because if there is only one thing this man knows.. he knows how I am and how I get when animals are involved.

It’s the sole reason why I’m not allowed to name the fish.

So he does his whole boo-boo face “awwww” thing and while I’m crying on his shoulder about all the cruelty in the world he tells me I’m adorable and this.. THIS.. THIS COMPASSION is the reason why he loves me so much.

And here I thought it was my hot, rockin’ body!!

I start to get over myself and apologize for waking him up and he tells me it’s fine.. and then goes on this litany of why these organizations make these commercials just to get reactions like this from pathetic people like me.

ME: Um.. wait? I’m pathetic? Didn’t you just say I was adorable?

HIM: Well.. um.. your adorable BECAUSE you’re pathetic.

ME: You’re an asshole.

HIM: I know..

ME: Good night, honey.

HIM: ‘Night, baby.

‘Cause that’s just how we roll!

You’re Kidding Me… Right?

So it’s 1am .. I just got back from the laundromat a little bit ago.

I came into the bedroom and obviously, Chief was watching Heroes On Demand because it was on and he was sleeping.

I don’t bother with the tv ’cause I jumped on my laptop but once Heroes finished.. the On Demand thingy timed out and went back to the regular cable. I don’t remember exactly what I heard that made me look at the screen but I did and saw the Animal Planet logo.

I don’t do Animal Planet because whenever I try to.. they’re either always showing something traumatic to my psyche.. or I can’t get to the remote fast enough to change the channel from the commercial that will be showing something traumatic to my psyche..

Hello?? Did you ever SEE the ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLaughlin sing about the arms of the angel or Willie Nelson singing about maybe how you didn’t love me?

I’m tearing up now..

Anyway.. The show that happens to be on is called The Haunted.

You know, that show about people living in haunted houses that’s usually on A&E or some other station other then the Animal Planet?

Yea.. well they got one on the Animal Planet ‘cuase.. yknow.. pets can sense ghosts and stuff.

But come on…

Really…

Is there not ANYTHING else to show on the Animal Planet??

And WHY the hell would you see a ghost with black eyes in your bedroom that causes your two black labs to go high tailing out of the house AND NOT TELL ANYONE?????

Are you fucking DENSE???

Must really be time for sleep!!!

Bleeding Green Does NOT Compare To Bleeding Red or How The Eagles Destroyed My Loyality By Signing Michael Vick

… long title, I know.

Forgive for that but I’m more then a little pissed at the Eagles for signing CONVICTED FELON Michael Vick.

A few things you need to know:

• I have absolutely NO clue on the details of what happened to the poor dogs that had the misfortune of being in CONVICTED FELON Michael Vick’s dog fighting ring. Honestly, I can’t bear any type of animal abuse and I will literally break down in tears and get severely depressed if I did. Even now, the mere thought of Sarah McLaughlin’s song “Angel” gets me teary because it was used in a ASPCA commercial. Dogs played an important roll in my life growing up and I hold the deepest compassion for them and their loyalty.
• My family and I are were die hard Eagle’s fans. Well.. they might still be, I don’t know.
• While I do believe in second chances, the very nature of being sorry for your wrong deeds means that you accept the consequences of those deeds. No excuses.. no passes :: no pun intended ::

Yesterday, I found out that the Eagles’ had signed CONVICTED FELON Michael Vick and I thought I was going to go through the roof. What happened to keeping the team and the players respectable? How do you expect me :: or anyone else who feels the way I do :: to honor the OTHER charities that you endorse? What about your responsibility to THEM? Does it mean nothing what this man did? Yes, he was served his time… yes, he DOES deserve a second chance. But that second chance should be to become a more decent human being not to sign a mega contract to play football. How did HIS life really change then because of his misdeeds?

When I texted a fellow Eagle’s die-hard saying that I couldn’t possibly stand behind them anymore, I got more then a cold response. The reason being is that it’s FOOTBALL and they were just thinking strategy.

‘Cause.. .like.. I’m sure the dogs that were hanged in a tree and electrocuted with jumper cables are okay with that. It being “just football” and everything.

So here’s the other thing…

Everyone who knows me knows that I am SO not a fan of Donovan McNabb. Never was. To me, he was just a prima donna. Same thing with coach Andy Nobody-Knows-The-Troubles-I’ve-Seen Reid.

Everyone who knows me also knows that I firmly believe that Jeff Garcia did as well as he did that half season that he started because the universe just happened to be tilted in his favor and .. let’s face it.. the Eagle’s had a hell of a line then.

Never was a fan of AJ Feeley… who needed a GPS and a bread crumb trail to find his helmet during games where he was given a nod to replace McNabb.

But the thing is.. when the Eagles sand-bagged Garcia, their reasoning was their blind faith in Kevin Kolb. HE was suppose to be THE. NEXT. BEST. THING.

Of course, he came along with his own “Mama McNabb” :: that being his father :: but hey.. whatever.

The thing is.. they never game his a serious opportunity to get his game feet together. Practices and the whatnot is NOT real live game play regardless of what anybody says.

So in all of Andy Reid’s wisdom, he relied .. and relied heavily.. on the ACL injured McNabb.

Come the fuck on. I never, EVER pretend to know anything about football other then what I read and what I watch and it’s so blatantly apparent that Reid and McNabb are joined at the hip or have naked pictures of each other doing things that would SO revoke Reid’s Morman Membership Card.

Of course now… Kolb is having problems with his left knee :: anyone seen Tonya Harding around practice? Hmm? :: and I’m sure the QB position is going to be reduce significantly to make CONVICTED FELON Michael Vick signing seem like a brilliant fucking idea.

Because that’s what the Eagle’s organization has become… just smoke and mirrors.

So much for football strategy huh? This makes the whole Terrell “TO” Owens fiasco look like a picnic.

At any rate, I’m pretty peeved at this whole thing and actually will cheer on the Eagle’s two biggest rivals, the Dallas Cowboys and the New York Giants with one ounce of guilt or regret.

Right now, there are a lot of people who agree with me. But Philadelphia fans are notoriously fickle. Let CONVICTED FELON Michael Vick start winning games and you’ll start seeing a whole lot of jersey’s being bought up and worn with pride.

But not me…

Never..

Ever..

Me.

Fuck you, Eagles.. I hope you lose every fucking game as long as he’s on your roster.