I’m REALLY freakin’ bored..
Hanging around with nothing to really do and nobody to really do it with is always tempting the devil to dance in my head. Actually.. I should say that that I’m hanging around because who I want to hang around with isn’t around.. or something like that.
It’s symantics.. and it’s late. What the hell do you want?
At any rate.. so yea. Don’t like when my brain trips the light fandango on it’s own! Too many things I’d rather not think about.. so instead of getting bogged down in details, I started thinking that I had to go grocery shopping and started making the mental list of what I needed.
As the list started to accumulate.. I started thinking that it was probably going to be crowded so I needed to get there early to avoid all the ignorant people that really need a license just to leave the house let alone operate anything with wheels.
Don’t even get me started on how they drive in the parking lot.. in fact, remind me to tell you what happened at the supermarket in Jersey a few months ago.
So then I started thinking about how they should print up rules for being in the supermarket. I mean.. they pass out conduct memos when you go to a baseball game.. why not do the same thing in a market?
Would temper alot of freakin’ aggression, that’s for sure!
So read on.. and pass it along. Maybe even make copies and stick them in the shopping carts and bags of any offender you encounter. I’m sure it’ll go over real big!
1. Although it has 4 wheels.. a shopping cart is NOT a car. You driving an environment destroying Escalade means crap INSIDE the store. Do not drive your shopping cart the way you drive your car. You’re not insured inside the market so running over the back of my ankles could cost you big time!
2) They make the aisles WIDE for a reason. It’s so that more then one cart can maneuver in opposing directions and traffic can flow easy. If your the type of person that has to stand and stare at the TWO choices of DelGiorno pizza on sale, do NOT stand in the middle of the aisle. It blocks the flow.. which causes aggressive shoppers.. which causes riots.. which causes national press coverage and Rodney King asking why we just can’t get along. I’ll buy you the freakin’ pizza if the decision is just too hard for you to make.
3) Do you NOT realize that there are Lysol wipes at the entrance of the store for a reason? And NO.. has nothing to do with free samples. It’s because of the germs. Hands are probably the filthiest part of your body. Think about it.. they’re always touching things that other people touch. Other people who may have not washed their hands after their last bathroom trip.. or who have picked their nose.. picked their teeth.. picked their ass or scratched their balls (from the inside). Which is probably the reason why you don’t want to COVER YOUR MOUTH when you sneeze… which means that when you spray your germ laden snot and spit it lands all over the nectarines I was going to buy. If I wanted your DNA, there are alot of other ways I would request it.
4) If you have to take your kids, remind them and YOURSELF that the supermarket is NOT Sesame Place and that the other shoppers are not volunteer babysitters. Unattended children are free game.
5) Do I really need to go into the meaning of 12 items OR LESS? Come on. Obviously, if you’re doing a full shop then you’re an adult. An adult who :: I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here :: can count pass 12. Do the right thing.. and go to the right check out lane. If you don’t.. AND if you try to pass off 12 containers of yogurt as 1 item.. I will embarrass you. Without a doubt. That’s a promise.
6) Respect the personal space. This includes both waiting in line AND putting your stuff on the conveyer belt. Ramming your cart in my back isn’t going to make things move faster. It will only annoy the hell out of me and force me to ram it back on you. You’ll have plenty of room to put your stuff on the conveyor once my cart is empty and my stuff starts being rung up. If you try to sneak your stuff on, I’ll put more distance between my stuff so that yours slowly tips off the back of the conveyor belt. And.. if the shopping gods are with.. it will be the dozen eggs that drop first.
7) Once your items are bagged and you’re about to pay.. you CANNOT.. under ANY circumstances.. throw out the “.. OOPS!! I forgot the pizza!” You can’t get out of line.. hunt around the aisles.. stand in the center deciding which DelGiorno pizza to buy and keep everyone else waiting. See! This is the exact purpose for 12 items or less lines..!!
You know what.. I can probably think of more but my heads pounding so i’m gonna go pop some Motrin and curl up with my pillows.
LIVING ME 101 