The Beginning Of The End…

Weed got arrested this morning..

Chief is suppose to sign the lease on the store tonight.

I think we need to re-think the store and how Weed’s arrest and whatever comes along with it is going to affect not only the store but the family as well…

We’re not on the same page and this is as serious an issue as we’re going to face as a couple and I don’t think with this and everything else, we’re going to make it.

 

Some Kind Of Way

One of my bestest friends in the world is a Puerto Rican chick that shares my first name.  She’s cool as hell and doesn’t mind when I imidated her saying, “… CHOO know??”

She has this other thing that she says all the time:

I’M FEELIN’ SOME KIND OF WAY

I know you know what I’m talking about.. it’s when you feel, well, SOME KIND OF WAY. There’s no description for it. You can pinpoint it. You can’t verbalize it. It just is.

That’s how I feel now… actually, I’ve been feeling this way since last night and I’m not really sure why. If I had to guess, I would think that it’s my subsconscience silently wrestling with my conscience.

The life I jumped into barefooted and with blinders on is not what I naively thought it was going to be.. :: maybe more like what I hoped it would be :: and I think I’m starting to feel the strains. Actually, if I’m being truthful, that I’ve been feeling for awhile.

Don’t misunderstand… I love Chief and the boys with all my heart. And I know they love me back just the same. But there are the same issues and struggles and crap that I thought I had done away with when I divorced Satan that I really don’t want to go through a second time.

It’s a cold day … a soaking rain day.. and maybe that’s what’s contributing to how I feel..

I don’t know…

 

And So IT Goes…

Yknow, it’s frustrating dealing with a 9 and 13 year old who aren’t biologically yours and who I didn’t have the advantage of easing into their personalities. I just don’t get the way they think sometimes. Do ALL kids their age act like they do? Did the things they were exposed to damage them to the point where I, personally, can’t see a day where they would be living on their own… and not like barnyard animals either.

Last night was yet ANOTHER episode. Started out good and then progressively went down hill.

When I got home from work, Chief and Spaz were outside with the dogs. I have to admit that I was childishly peeved at Chief. I had tried calling more then a few times on his cell phone with no answer :: while mine is an extension of my right arm, his is usually sitting on the fish tank :: he hasn’t set up his voice mail STILL.. the cordless house phone was never recharged and he didn’t answer back my email or IM.

NOTE: I’m getting pissed again. I’ve told him SO many times the smile I get when he emails or IMs or texts me. As much as I am so NOT “girly” I will admit that I am a romantic, sentimental fool. It’s not that I don’t think he loves me.. I know he does.. it’s just something that makes me feel special that he doesn’t do.

But I digress…

So while we were outside and Spaz was watering the lawn, Chief tells me that he had a conversation with Spaz about The Cunt. He explains to him that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for him to see her for awhile because we both can’t stand the way she disappoints him and makes him promises that she doesn’t keep. He also tells him that if she says anything to him, to put the blame on Chief.. that Chief won’t let him see her this way the pressure if off of Spaz and he won’t have to say that HE doesn’t want to go. Spaz understood where Chief was coming from and everything was good.

Until Bubba came home.

He comes home before his 8:30 curfew while me, Chief and Spaz were busy in the kitchen making soft pretzels. :: It does rock living with a chef! :: Right away, he wants to make a milkshake. Now our kitchen is a nice size but does get alittle crowded with even 2 people in there.. so imagine me and Spaz at the counter rolling dough, Chief at the oven and two dogs getting in everyone’s way. Bubba making a milkshake was not going to happen but the worst part was the attitude he gave when Chief told him to wait a few minutes. That set the tone for the night.

At 9:20p, Chief realizes that Bubba doesn’t have any clean school pants and was going to run to WalMart to exchange the two pairs we had bought him over the weekend that were alittle too tight :: Bubba’s a big kid. At 13 he’s well on his way to passing the 6ft mark and was wearing a size 40 pant :: I told him not to stress about it, I’d run the laundry with just their school clothes. I get the hamper out of the bathrrom… no school pants. I ask Bubba :: who was stretched out on the sofa :: where they were and he said he didn’t know. I asked him where he took them off at and he said he didn’t know. I asked him how could he NOT know where he took his pants off at and Chief came out of the kitchen and told me that he had made them take their laundry down from their rooms earlier. I go through that basket.. no school pants. I go through the hamper in our bedroom.. no school pants. Front porch? No school pants. BACK porch? No school pants.

I ask him to go check in his room. He tells me there isn’t anything up there. I tell him that they have to be because they’re no place else. Mind you, I’m not sounding all butterscotch and whipped cream here. He huffs and he puffs and he goes upstairs and comes down with two pairs of school pants.

Wonderful.

But where are the shirts? Again he says he doesn’t know.. that they weren’t upstairs. This time I go up to his room… find them balled up in the hallway and in a pile in his room.

By this time.. I’m frustrated… Chief’s frustrated.. and all Bubba does is care about nothing. I don’t exactly know what the camel’s straw was but all of a sudden I hear Chief yelling at him. I hear the phrases “little prince”, “entitled”, and “lazy fat ass”

NOTE: Considering the current state of my hips and remembering the taunts I received at his age I’m not really that thrilled when he gets mad enough to throw in the weight stuff.

Chief has had enough of him not meeting either of us half way on things that pertain to stuff like his laundry.. his homework.. things that are his responsibility that become our responsibility because he’s too lazy or just don’t care enough to do his part. OR it could be that he’s being the manipulative fuck that he usually is and knows that eventually Chief or I will take care of it anyway so why should he bother.

It was the same thing awhile ago when he had wanted the money that I was holding for him back. It was something like $115.00 that he was saving for a new computer but decided he didn’t want it anymore. So we’re down at the farmer’s market and again, he was being a dick and Chief had to lay him out in the middle of the market for acting like an ass because he wasn’t allowed to buy anything that was sharp (ie: pocket knives) or shoot (ie: bb guns). Chief had told him that he should buy a new bike chain since he had broken the one on his bike. Bubba’s response? He wasn’t going to spend “his” money on that. Read that as he wasn’t going to spend his money on anything he knew his father or I would eventually buy for him.

I joke around and say that the kids got the swampy end of the gene pool. The are the polar opposites of their father.. who lived on his own since he was 15.. worked two jobs to support himself while still in high school and put himself through college and culinary school. Chief isn’t the type of person that waits around for someone to give him something… he either does it or gets it himself.

Bubba and Spaz… not so much. They act just like The Cunt does.

In a way, I feel bad for Bubba because for the last few months he’s been getting yelled at and punished more then he isn’t. And I know that 13 is a rough age to begin with but what bother’s me more is that yell, scream, holler, punish.. whatever he just doesn’t care.

Now I’m starting not to care.

I don’t care if he has homework or not :: I’m not going to keep asking him :: I don’t care if he does his homework :: I’m not going to remind him :: I don’t care if he winds up having to go to summer school or get left back :: probably best if he does :: I’m going to adapt the same attitude that he has. But yknow what? I have a feeling it’s not going to make one bit of difference.

This is going to be a tough one and it isn’t going to go away anytime soon.

 

Hi(Lo)Lights

Since I’ve been watching what I eat and reduced the amount of coffee I drink a day.. I’ve been freakin’ exhausted by 3pm! I hate that… it just makes the day drag and me irritable!!

Until 5pm.

Then I get my second wind because I get to go home and hang with my honey!

Blah, blah, blah right?

Anyway…

So I get home. I have to say that I was still alittle bit on the salty side and wasn’t too shy about it! I knew that Bubba had had homework that was due today and Spaz had two days worth of homework to do because he.. um.. “couldn’t find” his homework folder on Monday. Tuesday is also one of their shower nights .. which is always a hassle.

Anyway.. we ate dinner and had some family time :: Okay! Okay! We were playing Call of Duty! :: and before I knew it, it was almost 8:30. I tell Spaz to finish playing his round and then he had to take a shower and do his homework. He put on a puss face but got up after his round ended and went up to his room to get his pajamas.

Or so we thought..

Turns out that he stayed up there and wound up falling asleep in his play clothes. Chief wasn’t a happy camper about it and neither was I. We both knew that it was more on the intentional side then accidental side. So Chief said he was going to wake him up an hour earlier for school :: 6am instead of 7 :: so that he could shower and do his work.

I actually didn’t expect him to go through with it… but he did. Spaz wasn’t thrilled but I was proud of my man.

Bubba wound up doing his reading assignment and it wasn’t until I came into work today that I checked my email and saw one from his science teacher.

NOTE: Bubba is sothisclose to failing science. If he does, we either have to pay 300.00 for him to go to summer school OR he repeats 7^thgrade. Of course, Bubba doesn’t WANT to go to summer school but he isn’t doing a damn thing about his grades either so I personally think that him going would snap something in his tangerine brain and get him serious about school. The point is, I approached his science teacher explaining that I was willing to help Bubba anyway I could to help him bring up his grade so every time they have homework, I get an email. He knows I get them too so it’s not like I’m doing something underhanded.

So last night he had science homework which he didn’t tell me he had and naturally, didn’t get done. I know his excuse was going to be that he didn’t hear that he had an assignment but we went through this last week. Personally, if it was me, I’d make sure I knew what my assignment was. Personally, if it was me, and I KNEW that my science teacher was emailing my stepmom with my homework I would take my books home every night.

I forwarded the email to Chief and when we talked to each other later in the day he was PISSED.

That kid just don’t get it.

In other news… I had asked Chief if he had heard from The Cunt and he said he hasn’t. Y’all do remember that Mother’s Day is Sunday, right? Yea. Ok. Remember that. So later on in the night, Chief was out watering the lawn and me and Bubba where in the dining room. He had been on the phone and when he hung up he said that the caller had been his mother. Apparently, she made a comment about how she guessed she wasn’t going to get to see them for awhile :: Wait! Listen! Here the violins??? :: and Bubba told her that she really had pissed Chief off this time. She asked him how long he thought it would be and he said he guessed about a weekend or two.

Now.. this pissed me off on SO many levels and Bubba’s at an age where he needs to understand things that Spaz is still to little to comprehend.

I told Bubba that I knew she does nothing but bullshit.. and everything that comes out of her mouth is bullshit. I told him what I thought the reasons were that she all of a sudden wanted to take Spaz every weekend and I also told him that the conversation he just had with her? She should have had that conversation with his father.

Because this is what she does… she calls Spaz and makes up some excuse about why she fucked him over and then promises to make it up to him by taking him to the movies or to a carnival or something that is out of the norm and gets him all excited. If Chief where to tell him that he couldn’t go because of all these other instances where she screwed him over, Spaz would get mad and defend her.. repeating whatever trash she fed him and then Chief would get pissed off and The Cunt would be “.. see! I WANTEDto pick you up but your FATHER wouldn’t let me”. Because ultimately, she could care less about anyone but her self.. even her kids.

When talking about it last night.. Chief had said that he wished there were a way to get a restraining order against her. He doesn’t need one. All he has to do is say no but I think he has a problem doing that for a lot of reasons that I don’t have the room or years to post…

It’s not impossible to get an order.. but Spaz would have to go through a psych eval :: not that would be a bad thing :: but what do you do? Subject him to that or continue to have The Cunt damage his psyche? Doesn’t seem like it but it is a tough call especially when you think that yea, he may grow up to see her for who she really is. OR, he may not. He could be 45 and still waiting for her to pick him up on the corner. Which is sadder?

There was something special that did happen last night though..

While playing COD, Bubba asked me what I wanted for Mothers Day. He said that he wanted to get me something before actual Mother’s Day because it would be “Almost” Mother’s Day and I’m “almost” his step mom. I thought that was the sweetest thing. And then he said, “… that’s what you said, right Dad?”

I busted out laughing and Chief shot him such a look that was priceless. Regardless of whatever.. that’s really one of the best moments I’ve had!

 

OOPS! She Did It Again..

… but are we REALLY surprised?? Nah.

Not in the least.. in fact, I would be WAY more surprised if she DIDN’T pull the same crap all the time.

So here’s the deal… get a cup of coffee :: or a pot :: put on your favorite pair of slippers or pj’s and settle in.. this is going to take some time.

First of all… you know who I’m talking about, right? The Cunt? The Crack Whore? The boy’s mother? Yea. And I’m being kind.

So anyway :: I really do need to keep this updated daily because these dramas tend to be long :: everything started on Friday morning. The low down is that The Cunt’s brother / half-brother / step-brother :: whatever weird family dynamic he is :: got married for like the 4^th or 5^th time or whatever and there was going to be some type of family shindig. Bubba was already staying over the uncle’s house because there’s a cousin there his age or whatever and The Cunt was taking Spaz for the weekend so me and Chief were going to be kid-less for the weekend. A PAY weekend at that!

Talking to Chief during the day, he tells me that before the kids left for school in the morning The Cunt called Bubba’s sidekick.. I don’t remember the whole conversation or what started it or what  ended it but I do remember something about her asking him why he won’t talk to her on the phone :: his response was that she’s never coherent:: and then he laid into her again about not paying child support :: her response was that she’s “trying” :: and about the fact that she was leaving Spaz with her boyfriend instead of taking him to the party. Needless to say THAT really set Chief off.

NOTE:

Before I continue, let me clarify a few things… and excuse me while I get REAL up close and personal

1. Their marriage :: albeit because of a surprise pregnancy :: ended when Spaz was an infant because she didn’t “.. want to be a mother” anymore and because of the fact that she was literally having one-night stands, stripping, prostituting herself out to his friends and working a web cam for profit :: eh-hem :: while he was working 20 hour days and 24 hour weekends building a business. So basically she was sucking and fucking everything in the county.
2. She has way too many DUIs to count and also a nasty little addiction to they types of chemical that come in pretty different colors and shapes.
3. Did I mention that she had been in jail on felony burglary charges and was only released last June? Oh, I didn’t? Yea.. well… then there it goes.
4. Up until February, she was NEVER ordered to pay child support :: regardless of how many times they stood before a judge ::and even now, with 43.00 a week payment order :: for three kids!!:: she’s not paying that.

So basically, we’re not dealing with a real pillar of society here… and like Satan :: my ex :: she has lived her life with a sense of entitlement and the knowledge that she can get away with just about anything :: except felony burglary, ‘natch ::

The thing is :: and this is where I tend to go sideways because I don’t know what I would personally do if they were my kids :: is that Chief doesn’t want them not to have some kind of relationship with her. She’s immature, not responsible and a whole laundry list of other things but his feeling is that when she just tells Spaz that she’s picking him up without consulting with Chief first then Chief looks like the bad guy in saying no. Eventually, he rationalizes, as they get older they will see what she is and then make up their own minds.

Weed is already there. Bubba? He’s getting there. But Spaz… a whole other story. He, I believe, is the one with the most residual issues :: from anger to abandonment :: and there is no question that she has completely fucked up this 9 year old.. maybe for his lifetime.

But you be the judge.. because this is what happened:

So I had had this conversation with Chief regarding the babble session he had had with her in the morning and he tells me that The Cunt is picking up Spaz at 6pm. He tells me this because that’s the time I usually get home from work and I guess he wants to not have me surprised to see her boyfriend’s beat up, primer grey and rust colored 1980 Benz with Tennessee tags parked outside our house. I tell him as long as she isn’t IN the house, we’re cool. So no problem.

I get home from work and Spaz is still home. His school bag is packed with clothes for the weekend and he’s playing a video game. Our plan had been to go to the diner and grab dinner and my first thought was that I’m glad she hadn’t picked him up yet because I really wasn’t that hungry.

So Chief gets me in the kitchen and tells me that she called and said that she “.. had to work late” and wasn’t going to be able to pick him up until 9pm.

Now.. I know that the only job she had :: and probably could get :: was cleaning houses. No offense to the people that clean houses but she has like a 7^th grade education and not even McDonald’s would hire her. Hmm.. plus that nasty little felony burglary charge… I also know that house cleaners don’t work until 9pm. Especially on a Friday night.

Anyway… so Chief tells me this and the first words out of my mouth are “.. she’s not coming for him.” He says he thought that too but the look on his face tells me that he doesn’t want to believe it.

He goes on to tell me at one point in the conversation, she wanted him to drive Spaz down to the apartment that she shares with her boyfriend. The one that is 4 blocks from my mom’s and owned by one of my relatives :: small, twisted world huh? :: Chief’s response is a resounding “.. are you fucking crazy?” for a number of reasons. One, he wasn’t going to drop his kid off at her apartment when she wasn’t there… Two, our house is one the way home from her “supposed” job and Three, gas is 3.65 a gallon here. :: Not that it was about the gas, but it was just another point to throw at her :: . We both knew :: me consciously, him subconsciously :: that her only intent was getting trashed and she didn’t want the responsibility of Spaz and that by having him already at her place she could make up whatever story she wanted and Spaz would believe her.

Still.. yknow.. she still had three hours so maybe there would be a miracle.

Right.

So now all three of us were going out to the diner. As we were getting ready, Chief tells me that he packed a pair of dress pants for Spaz but he couldn’t find the one button down shirt the kid has. I tell him in no uncertain terms that Josh was NOT wearing that shirt because he outgrew it and that we would stop and pick him up a new one.

Spaz :: God love him :: chimes in that we don’t have to buy him one.. that his mom said that SHE was going to take him out to get one. Neither of us had to even look at each other to know what we were thinking. Chief said we’d get him one anyway and I said that no, she could buy it for him and that I didn’t want to take away her joy of buying him a shirt.

9 is a little too young for my brand of sarcasm.

So we go to the diner :: an experience in itself that I would have been more then glad to post if all this other shit didn’t happen :: then we head home and hang around playing Call of Duty online.

At 8:59pm, Spaz gets up and goes to the front porch saying to himself :: aloud :: that she has 1 minute to get there. He goes out onto the step and starts waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

Chief tells him to come in after about 20 minutes by telling him it’s getting cold outside and that she would beep the horn or call his cell phone when she got there.

Personally, I knew exactly what was going to unfold and I really didn’t want to bear witness to it. I kissed Spaz goodnight.. told him that I probably wasn’t going to be up when he left and hoped he had a great weekend. He told me he loved me.. I told him I loved him and I went to sleep.

I wake up at around 1:30a. Chief is sitting on the lounge chair with Ernie the Terrorist puppy on his lap.. staring at the fish tank. Spaz is asleep on the couch.

I motioned towards Spaz asking what happened but already knowing the answer. Chief told me that she obviously never came to get him.. never called.. and the poor kid cried himself to sleep on the couch.

We go to sleep and the next morning I wake up and see Spaz in the kitchen. I act surprised and he tells me that his mom didn’t come for him and that he was angry. I just gave him a big hug and told him we’d do something fun or whatever.

He shrugs his shoulders. About an hour or so later, he calls his mother’s cell phone for like the hundredth time :: that I know of at least :::. Apparently someone answered because I heard him say, “Mom? Mom?” .. turns out it was her boyfriend. Spaz asked him why she didn’t come for him and he told him that she “disappeared” all day Friday :: so much for that, uh, “job” :: and that she’s crashed on the couch. Nice.

By this time, Chief had gone into the shower because we decided to take Josh out for the day. Josh turns around and asks me why his mother wouldn’t pick him up. I tell him the truth. I didn’t know why. He says he hates her. I tell him he’s allowed to feel anyway he needs to feel. He says to me, “… you don’t like when anyone hurts me, do you?” I tell him no.. I don’t like it. Don’t like it at all and it makes me angry. He asks if I hate his mother. I can’t tell him the truth so I tell him that I hate how she disappoints him all the time and doesn’t follow through on her word. He asks me if I had a kid around his age, would I not pick him up when I said I would.

This time I tell him the truth. I tell him that if I was in his mother’s situation :: meaning not having custody of my kids :: then I would see him every chance I got.

And yes. For the record. I do hate her. More so after having that conversation with him.

I try to occupy his time.. and I guess another hour or so goes by when she texts his phone. I don’t know what she messaged but I know his only response was “.. why didn’t you come for me?”.

She never texted back.

He mentioned something about that when his father came back in the room and I told said, “.. look. Your mother has issues. Serious issues. The only thing you need to keep remembering is that I love you and your dad loves you.”

I think Chief got alittle misty eyed. The thing with Spaz though, is that he craves his mother’s attention so much that when stuff like this happens it beats him into the ground. But come next week or whenever, she’ll pop up and take him to McDonald’s and in his eyes she just hung the moon and he believes whatever nonsense she gives him… because he needs to believe it. And she knows it.

Later on in the night she texted him again saying that “.. I don’t blame you if you hate me.”

Great. Now throw some guilt onto your fucked up 9 year old.

This is why she is referred to as The Cunt.

She never did call… she never did take him to his uncle’s shindig.. although SHE went.  So she got her way. Again. At Spaz’s expense. Again.

We wound up having a great weekend anyway. Spaz had fun and we did things as a family so it kinda.. sorta.. maybe worked out but the other night when I was outside with the dogs a few things popped into this overworked brain of mine..

Her boyfriend has a daughter Spaz’s age that he gets every weekend. It’s no surprise to me that she now has an interest in taking Spaz because that means he’ll be there to occupy the girl and that means both of them will be out of her way. But wouldn’t you think her boyfriend would say.. yknow.. why the hell did you ditch your kid? Wouldn’t you think that a father wouldn’t want her behavior around his daughter? Maybe he has. Maybe he’s just like her. I dunno.

Chief  had said that he hopes God forgives him but he wishes she would just overdose and be done with. I can see why. I don’t know how all this is going to unfold… or what more damage she’s going to wind up doing to that boy.