Archive for July 19, 2007

Serious Stuff

Posted: July 19, 2007 in Old Blogs

.. so y’know.

99% of the time I’m a silly simple ass who doesn’t take the things I can’t change too seriously… I go with the flow, manage the damage and am fiercy loyal to the people I care about.

And even though sometimes I have a mouth on me… and can be hard-headed and fiery and left of center, I’m basically a good egg.

But y’know.. there’s an Italian proverb:


Seems as though it was written specifically for me because although, outwardly, everyone thinks I’m a pillar of positive attitude and always on over drive, the truth is is that there’s alot of things that work on my head that reside right below the surface.

I’ve been through alot. Too much, I think sometimes. And the fact that I didn’t become a homicidal maniac or a heroin addict because of it is just a testament to my inner strength.

I wrestle with alot of crap. Self esteem issues… trust issues.. stuff like that but normally I don’t put it out there for public display. I’ve become an expert at compartmentalizing stuff… just sticking it in a box in the back of my brain and duct taping it over.

Don’t have any problems answering any question asked of me. My life may have been hard.. it may have affected me in a not-so-good way but I’m not embarassed by it. It made me the person that I am today and I kinda dig this person.

So why did all this come up now?

I kind of played hooky from work. Well, not really because even thought I’m not in the office I am working so… Anyway.. I was jumping around the internet and I happen to stumble upon a blog written by a guy who suffered irreversible brain trauma from a drug overdose.

Even though I’ve never indulged in the chemicles, I know alot of people who have and still are so it isn’t foreign to me. But what really pulled me into this guy’s story was the fact that he used to be abusive.

That kind of struck a cord because for too long, I was married to Satan, I was on the receiving end of the 4 horseman of abuse… physical, mental, verbal and emotional.

There were times when cops came to our house and we both were equally bloody, bruised and scratched up that they didn’t know which one to haul in.

I’ve been called every derogatory name under the son… fat, ugly, stupid, pig, bitch, worthless, useless, etc, etc, etc.

I’ve been on the receiving end of drunking rages … yelled at nose-to-nose with such force that it almost felt like I was standing in a wind tunnel.. have been spit on :: which I actually think is the most degrading thing you can ever do to another person ::.. had a shotgun held to my chest.. had a sword held to my throat.. been punched in the face.. in the solar plexus.. in the kidneys… I’ve been put in financial debt.. had all my posessions trashed :: including two of my dogs ashes :: … cars wrecked.. been lied to… stolen from.. and anything else you could probably think of or even imagine.

How did I put up with all that? Well.. the mind is a funny thing, is all I can say. I started doing one thing in particular that I’m not prepared now to expose but suffice it to say that if you were interested enough to see certain things on my body, the answer is pretty apparent. I’m neither proud of it or embarassed about it. It just was what it was and I don’t do it any longer so to me, it’s a dead issue.

Why did I stay? The only answer I have to that is that when you have the kind of heart that I do… when you’re used to putting other people ahead of yourself and when you blindly believe that there is good in everyone :: even when it’s buried so deep you’d never uncover it :: I guess you start to “understand” too much and give out excuses on a silver platter.

Or you just don’t want to believe you were wrong.

Don’t know… I only know that I’m not the kind of person that backs down from anything and that may have been part of the problem when involved with a control freak.

I don’t refer to him as SATAN for nothing.

But yknow what? For all that bullshit I went through.. I’m ok.

The other day I was talking to D about something and I mentioned that I couldn’t wait until the whole house situation is over with and then I can put a period.. turn the page.. and burn the book.

D :: who went through his own drama with his ex :: said something .. can’t remember verbatim.. but basically that even though things had turned ugly it wasn’t all bad and you have to hold on to that.. or something to that affect.

I understand where he’s coming from.. but I think I can still burn the book but remember that I read it.

I normally don’t look back on my life with regret. I am who I am because of the things that I went through. I’m where I’m suppose to be because of the path that I took. And like I said.. I dig the person I am.

So it’s all good… and honestly :: hehe :: this whole post went completely into left field from where it was suppose to go!!  LOL!! Oh well!! 8^)

¸.•..¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•.. (¸.•.. .•.. ¸¸.•¨¯..•. I’m dangerous with time on my hands, huh?