Posts Tagged ‘Tickets’

Oh yea.. I'm a badass alright!!“You” meaning “Me”

If you search around this blog, you will find previous posts about the obscene amount of parking tickets I get on Street Sweeping day. That’s because my house is on the point of three intersecting streets and every bloody day is Street Sweeping day and I still.. after three years.. have yet to understand which side gets swept on which day at which times.. especially because apparently, this information is tribal fucking legend with no signs posted for the memory challenged.

On the day the Street Sweeper comes around, the truck is followed by a cop car and if you’re parked where you shouldn’t BE parked, they write you up on a blaze orange envelope and stick it in your windshield.

The cost is 15.00.

I used to pay them as soon as I got them before.. before I was laid off.. before the shop started to tank.. before I somehow became responsible for paying (No Longer.. Maybe) Weed’s criminal fines.

And sometimes I wouldn’t even GET them.. either the wind took them.. or one of the bratty neighborhood kids took them off.. sometimes Chief would take them off and I wouldn’t know about it until I got a summons in the mail.

A few times I put the cash in the blaze orange envelope to be deposited into the special mail box at the courthouse down the street from the store and on the way to Bubba’s school and the Crack Whore’s apartment.. but somehow those little envelopes just never made it in there.

That stopped REAL quick.

So Tuesday, Chief had cut his finger really bad. He couldn’t be around food and since yet another cable/internet tech was due at the house to fix our shit, I told him to just go ahead up to the house and wait for them. It made no sense for him to be at the shop when he couldn’t do anything and it is a very rare day when he isn’t in the store from sun up until well past sun down.

See! That was me being nice.

Anyway.. what I don’t find out until the next morning was not only was the cable guy there, but the constable was there.

To arrest me.

For unpaid Street Sweeping tickets.

In the amount of $228.00.

I had twenty four hours to handle my shit .. well, less by time Chief told me and I freaked out.

I didn’t freak out because the constable was there.. I freaked out because THIS IS NOT ME .. I don’t let shit like this go.. I always paid what I needed to pay when I needed to pay it.

Until I met him.

Did you ever hear of regret breeding contempt?


Almost there.

Especially because Chief PROMISED me that he’d have money for me to take up to the courthouse by the end of the day and he didn’t. He had half of it in the store’s bank account and was REAL reluctant to withdraw it for me.. and even though that’s bad enough.. I really saw RED when he said, “.. you’re going to give it to me back, right?”

Lord Jesus how I didn’t murder the man right there.

Instead.. I bitched him out like he’s never been bitched out before and I pulled out every fucking ace from my sleeve regarding how many times I’ve given him money for the store and he’s never given it back to me.

I believe I even though something across the store but in all honesty, I was so white hot angry that I don’t remember.

Because, you see, what I found out about this man over the years is that not only is he not good with money.. but he’ll do whatever it takes to get what he needs. Sound familiar? He’d be the male Crack Whore if it weren’t for the fact that it’s about his “needs” not his “wants”.

That might be a little too harsh but just writing this is getting my blood boiling. So I apologize in advance for sounding pissed off.. especially something that happened a week ago.

The store is behind on the rent .. business has been down.. and my unemployment check can only be stretched so far. I’m not going to NOT pay the house rent because the store has empty shelves. Sorry, not gonna happen.

The last time the electricity got cut, I told him that THAT was never going to happen again.. and either he better call up the electric company and work something out OR get used to living like the olden days because I wasn’t going to borrow money from anybody to take care of a bill that he didn’t take care of because he needed the money for the store.

He is working his ass off to get over the hump .. another deli opened about a block away which is killing business .. even opening up on Sundays again to make extra money.. but he’s just not business savvy. The boy can cook his ass of.. but other then that, he’s virtually useless.

So that whole attitude and OH MY GOD I CAN’T PAY MY FINE BECAUSE I’M PAYING YOUR FUCKING SONS statement didn’t really make for a happy time in the store but you know what? He gave me that check.. I paid the fines and had the warrant lifted.. and now (No Longer.. Maybe) Weed is on his own.. the shop is on it’s own.. it’s either going to sink or swim on it’s own because I’m not putting any of the personal money into it.

Whether he knows it or not.. it’s just the way it’s going to be.

… guess I’ve been a little too vocal about our local law enforcement, eh?

So.. ok..

Earlier today one of the mechanics that work across the street from the shop stopped in and I asked him if he could take a look at my back tail light.

The back tail light that is cracked.

Since February.

When someone drove up my street AND my front lawn and got his front end stuck in my back end.


That SO didn’t sound right.


So yea.. I didn’t do anything about it cause apparently, I’m not good with “follow through” .. at least that’s what my mom tells me.

But I noticed that the break light was out so I asked the mechanic to take a gander. I wanted him to do it on HIS time because he’s trying to open up his own place.. and he’s a good customer of mine.. so y’know.

Around 11:30am, he comes in and asks me if I wouldn’t mind driving to the parking lot on the corner because his boss was still at the garage and he didn’t want him to see him working on my car.

No problem, I told him… In fact, why don’t we just drive up to my house? It’s right up the street from the parking lot but not on the main street… this way, there wouldn’t be any chance that his boss would accidentally see him.

Now, picture an L.

My house is at the top of the long part of the L.. the parking lot is at the corner of the L.. and my shop is at the end of the short part of the L.

See my reasoning?

Now the long part of the L is roughly about a mile. So as I’m driving up the street towards my house, I could see a bright, flourescent pink paper stuck in my door.


My electric bill isn’t due.. my cable bill isn’t due.. the rent is not only paid BUT the check cleared.. and I already got the cut off notice for the water service. But that’s blue anyway :: get it? Blue? Water? ::

NOTE: Fret not about my water bill. We go through this every quarter. The inept water company NEVER sends a bill and the only way you know that your bill is due is when they stick the shut off notice in your door. I’ve been going back and forth with them for two years about that so I just accept things for the way they are.

As I get closer, I notice what looks like a municipal seal on the paper.


Is my grass too long? Are they finally objecting that I STILL have lighted Christmas dear sculptures in front of my house? :: I had hammered the “don’t blow away” pegs in too hard and now I can’t get them out :: or are they getting bitchy because I forgot to remove my trash can from the curb or don’t use their yellow recycle bin for recycling?

I park on the side of my house.. the mechanic pulls up behind me.. he starts working his drill.. and I walk around to the front of the house to find this:


Holy FUCK..

My first thought.. well, I had a few… was either something in Chief’s past caught up with him :: mainly the outstanding disorderly conduct citation he was issued a few years back when he was pulled over and wouldn’t turn over his license and registration until the cop told him what he did to be pulled over for :: OR Weed got himself into trouble again and they didn’t have his updated address.

So IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when I turned it over:


This was for ME!!



ME who doesn’t do ANYTHING bad.. except argue with old ladies in supermarkets and have perfected the “rolling” stop at stop signs? ME???

NOTE: I have to tell you that I fleetingly did think that the Chicken Lady had something to do with this!

THEN I noticed the file number.. or summons number.. or whatever it’s called began with TR.

TR meaning TRAFFIC

And then it all made sense.

And then I wished it was for murder because.. in it all making sense, I was going to kill Chief.

Wouldn’t have been temporary insanity.. would have definitely been pre-meditated.

Let’s flash back .. oh.. about a year.

Chief had had a child support hearing at the county courthouse. He took the car I had then :: a Saturn :: and because he likes to thumb his nose at authority, he parked where he shouldn’t have parked and got a ticket.

NOTE: It’s REAL easy to thumb your nose at authority when your driving a car that isn’t in YOUR name, apparently.

I didn’t find out about this ticket until oh.. about 5 months later when I was putting the winter jackets away and in checking the pockets :: for candy bars, pens, money :: I found a warrant with my name on it.

HIM: What?
HIM: Oh that? I paid that.
ME: What do you MEAN you “paid that?” When did you “pay that”? Better yet.. why didn’t I know I had it to begin with?
HIM: It was when I had child support court.. I didn’t want you to worry about it.
ME: So you paid it
HIM: Yep
ME: Are you sure?
HIM: Believe me, it’s all taken care of.

Now.. back to the present.

I asked the mechanic if he needed me because I needed to get back to the store. He said he didn’t so I started walking down.

And let me tell you something.. I don’t know how REAL criminals do it. I don’t know how they just go about living life knowing that they’re wanted for arrest because me? I was almost ducking into thorny rose bushes every time I heard a car driving up behind me. My heart was beating a million miles a minute and really, the only think I kept thinking was, ‘… OMG! I didn’t shave my legs. If I get arrested with hairy legs then some Prisoner From Cell Block H is going to think I’m down with the program and want to snuggle in that cold, concrete cell.”

Don’t throw stones, ok.. you never know what you’re going to think in situations like these!

I really just want to wait until I get to the shop to tell Chief in person.. I want to see his face when I question him about paying that parking ticket months ago.. but I was also scared that I would be arrested on the walk down there and figured he at least needed a heads up and scramble for bail money.

So I call him:

ME: Hey, remember that ticket you got when you went to the child support court thing?
HIM: Yea
ME: And.. um.. remember when you told me you paid it after I found the summons in your pocket?
HIM: (pause.. pause.. pause) Yea
ME: You paid it right?
HIM: Yea
ME: You sure?
HIM: Yea
ME: Then.. um.. why did the county come to the house to arrest me and left a bright pink piece of paper saying that?
HIM: What?
ME: Yea.. they came to arrest me FOR THE TICKET YOU GOT YOU SAID YOU PAID!
HIM: But I did pay it?
ME: :: In my best Law & Order impersonation :: When?
HIM: I don’t remember
ME: How? How did you pay it?
HIM: In cash
ME: Where’s the receipt?
HIM: In. The Saturn.

The Saturn that we sold about 4 months ago.

I had to hang up on him because I think he was bullshitting me.

I got to the store and showed him that paper. He said that maybe THAT wasn’t the one he paid.. but another one. I told him that he only took the car once and he said that he took the car like 3 or 4 times but he KNOWS he paid something the one time he went up there.




He said he didn’t want me to worry about it and I was like, “.. oh, like I’m worrying about it NOW, bucky?”

And I couldn’t look at him anymore.. I couldn’t stand being in the same room with him anymore… because from then and even until now, he never said he was sorry. Sorry that I was worrying.. sorry that I was going to be ARRESTED for HIS FUCKING TICKET!

Contrary to popular belief, when I get that angry.. I get quiet. And cold. It’s not that I want to ignore you.. it’s that I want you to FEEL the “pissed off” emanating from my pores.

We ran out of latex gloves and so I told him that I would walk to go get them.. it’s not that far.. maybe a 15 minute walk.. so I told him :: as I was leaving :: that I would be back shortly … IF I didn’t get arrested along the way.

The look on his face was priceless.. and one that will probably replay itself over and over again when the Prisoner From Cell Block H admires my hairy legs.

Up until I left the store.. around an hour ago.. I was an iceberg.. his attempts to try and hug me and kiss me were meant with twisting away moves that would make a Chinese gymnast proud.

And then I left and came home.

Where I’m at now.. obviously still enjoying my freedom but jumping out of my skin whenever there’s a knock at the door because you know.. of all days that social butterfly that is Bubba has to be home is today.

I called Chief’s cousin Bird and told her what happened.

She’s going to drive me up to the court house Monday morning to pay what I owe.. AND take her credit card in case there are MORE that I don’t know about.

Until then I think I’m going to take a few Tylenol PMs and just sleep the rest of the weekend away.