Posts Tagged ‘Self Mutilatin’

.. yesterday was a bad day on a variety of levels.

I’ll post about all that later on because I don’t have the energy to relive everything :: Emails from both the kids teachers, seeing Weed, the house, etc. :: . I’ve had a lot on my mind lately that has just been tucked away deep in my brain.

Last night, there was enough residual drama with Bubba that Chief was actually awake later then 9pm. I was doing something on the laptopn and I guess I had some kind of look on my face. I don’t hide my feelings very well. I might not express them verbally but there’s no mistaken that I’m feeling some kind of way.

Deep down, I want Chief to press me to tell him what’s bothering me. That’s the kind of person I am.. if I know someone is bothered by something but isn’t talking about it, I’ll try to get them to open up. Maybe because I don’t open up right away makes me sensitive to other’s that don’t. Dunno.

But Chief doesn’t do that. He kind of likes to bury his head in the sand sometimes. But to be fair, he’s under the mindset that if I wanted to talk about things then find. If not, then I guess I really don’t need to talk about them.

For instance, after the S.A.F.E meeting I went to he never asked me anything about it.. never asked me what went on.. never asked me what was going on to make me feel like I had to even go.. never asked me why I felt like I needed to start cutting myself again.

He used to be in a 12-step program so maybe that’s part of it, I don’t know.

All I know is that it hurt. But I accepted things for what they were and either understood him and his perspective OR made excuses for the way he didn’t react.

But last night, I thought that I had to try to let Chief know how I felt about the whole Weed situation.

I had been harvesting my cabbages on Farm Town and he said something about me hating to harvest the cabbage.. and I was like “… no, I just have something on my mind that I want to talk to you about but I don’t know how to.”

He said to just say it and I replied that I was afraid that it was going to come out not sounding the right way. Again he said to just tell him.

So I basically told him that whatever is going to happen between him and Weed is what’s going to happen but whenever I see him I just go back to the time he was arrested..  the house being robbed..  me losing things I could never get back.. the stress.. the worry.. everything I wrote about in a previous post.

I told him that I was trying to not harbor things :: not for Weed’s benefit but for mine :: but it’s hard because I have so much animosity and so much GRRR!!

He said that he didn’t trust Weed and that he a douchbag and but there was nothing he could do about that and to just give it time.

Then he went back to watching the History channel.

Needless to say.. that didn’t leave me feeling to great but I just didn’t have the energy to persue it and frankly, I don’t think he was too upset that I didn’t either.

So all night, I couldn’t sleep thinking about where I am at.. what my expectations were.. what I’m giving up and what I’m actually gaining.

And here’s the thing…

I think I wanted it all.. the I wanted to be happy with myself, happy with my job, have a nice house, have a wonderful functional family, have love.

I never did expect things to be perfect.. nobody, no relationship is but after almost two years I thought I would everyone would find their niches and things would get better..

But the only thing that really happened is that I gained an understanding of THEM but they don’t have one of me.

And that’s a harsh reality.

What is my “role” here.. What “really”  is this relationship…

And even though all relationships take work… I am under the firm belief that if you’re ALWAYS working at it then it really ISN’T working and all your doing is trying to shove a round peg in a square hole.

My having it all is unrealistic.. but shouldn’t you try to get at least as close as possible?

Today I didn’t go to work. I needed a day alone… without kids.. not at the store.. not without Chief.

This morning I acted like any other morning but I didn’t think it was fair for me to NOT tell him that I wasn’t at work. I didn’t want it to seem like I was starting to keep secrets or whatever AND he needed to know that I needed to be by myself.

So about 9, I called him at the store and told him. He was surprised but said that he had a feeling I wasn’t going to go in. I told him I just needed to be by myself and he said he understood. He asked if everything :: or if I :: was okay and I said I was.. just needed “nothing” time.

He did mention about having to go to the wholesalers and I did say that if he needed me to watch the store while he went that to just call me.

Ordinarily, I would have either went down there or called by now but I’m not going to. I can’t feel guilty. I’ve come to the realization that I’m the only one who is going to look out for me and my needs.

If that changes the way things are between us :: for better OR for worse :: then there isn’t anything I can do about it because ultimately, I’m responsible for my own happiness.