Posts Tagged ‘Self Esteem’

… so more then a few years ago, I had to get a plate for three teeth on the upper right side.

This because my psychotic ex-husband landed a good on.. shattering my already weakened teeth :: the result of a bout with hep B years earlier ::

I always had good .. strong.. straight teeth but after recovering from Hep B, I realized that even if I looked at an apple, my teeth would crack. But what are you going to do. Not eat apples, that’s for sure.. or if I do, it’s nibbling with my front teeth like a rabbit.

Anyway…

So I went to the dentist :: THAT was an experience all in itself :: but the bottom line was that he made a temporary plate for me to wear until the permanent one was completed.

Wait.. let’s back up a little bit.

At the time, I had a good dental plan. But regardless of how good your plan is, very few cover the cost for what I needed done. I knew I was going to have to pay out of pocket.

Rephrase: I knew I was going to have to pay BIG TIME out of pocket

And that was fine. Expected, even.

So at the start of my “care”, I tell both the dentist and the office manager that I was on a limited budget and I needed to know what any copays were due so that I could schedule the appointments around my pay periods… or at least monthly.. bi-monthly.. whatever.

I don’t like owing people money.. and I wanted to make sure that they got paid.

Understood.

So after each appointment for the root canals and extractions and whatever the hell else I had to get, I would ask the office manager what I could be expecting money-wise. And after each visit she would say “… oh, nothing right now. But I will certainly let you know in plenty of time.”

Cool.

So I get the temporary plate :: which isn’t really a plate. It’s just three pretend teeth formed and shaped out off “teeth” material and popped into the space where my real teeth were :: and as I’m making my next appointment the office manager INFORMS me that before the dentist could insert my permanent fake teeth, I need to pay the $1600.00 balance.

Um.

Excuse Me?

I mean…

WHAT?????????

What do you mean BALANCE??

This caused a whole big bruhaha that I’m not going to go into :: mainly because it’s been so long ago that I can’t remember verbatim and secondly, I just don’t feel like reliving it :: but the bottom line was that I wasn’t going to get the permanent one’s until everything was paid up.. Remember, this does NOT include the permanent teeth/plate/bridge .. whatever the hell you call it.

I didn’t have that much money to give to the dentist. In fact, I had asked if there was a way to make installment payments and she said there was but that by the time I paid it off, my gums were going to change.. meaning the permanent plate already molded wouldn’t fit and I would have to start the process over again costing me more money.

I realize it was her attempt to get the money as soon as possible. And I don’t really blame them.. but I still feel that if they would have done what I had asked from the beginning, they would have had their money.. I would have had my teeth and I would sitting here writing about something else.

Or maybe not.

That whole “Butterfly Effect”, yknow…

All that to say that since I’ve gotten the temporary teeth/plate/ bridge :: can we just refer to them at TEETH from now on? It’s starting to get confusing! :: they’ve been in my mouth.

They weren’t suppose to last this long but knock wood, they have. Although I don’t do any hard chewing or grinding on that side so there isn’t alot of wear and tear but still.. it’s been at least 9 years or so?

The thing about them though is that they don’t come out. Well.. that’s not all together true. They DO .. but only at inopportune times or when I forget and since my teeth into a doughy bagel. But it’s not like I can take them out daily and soak them in that stuff like you see the old people doing on commercials.

Because of that, I’m always diligent about making sure my teeth are brushed. Especially since the psychotic ex-husband knew it was my weakness and played on it constantly.. giving me some sort of a little complex.

Fast foward to the day of my grandmom’s funeral.

Me and Chief stopped at a local convenience store to get cigarettes and I bought a pack of Strawberry Mint Orbit gum :: because it don’t stick to my fake teeth! :: and he bought a thing of Tic-Tacs.

Roughly 4 or so hours after we had woken up that morning, he leans over to me in the church pew:

HIM: Here, take a mint

ME: No thanks

HIM: No. Really. Take a mint

ME: (gasp) Do I really need one?

HIM: Yea. Badly.

ME: (gasp again) But I was just chewing on Orbit!

HIM: Here. Take. The. Mint.

Needless to say, I was mortified. Beyond mortified, actually. But I thought that maybe it had something to do with the Strawberry Mint Orbit Gum because I never thought there was an issue before and the only gum I chew is usually NOT fruit flavored.. so I let it pass.

This morning, around 4:30am, Chief rolls over on top of me and one thing led to another and we did what married people usually do early on Sunday mornings.

Well.. maybe not everybody but do I REALLY need to spell it out for you :: wink.. wink!! ::

Afterwards, I walked around the bed on my way to the bathroom and he started to say, “.. Don’t take this the wrong way or anything..”

My immediate response was, “.. here it comes”

I don’t know why I said that.. it literally just slipped out of my mouth.. but he went on to say that sometime today, “.. you really should clean your plate. Your breath is atrocious. It’s been that way”

Atrocious?

ATROCIOUS?

BEEN THAT WAY?

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD!!!

Punching me square in my chest wouldn’t have taken the breath away that much.

Mind you.. in his defense, he didn’t say it to be mean like my psychotic ex would. But OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD!!! We just did the nasty and our faces were less then an inch apart!! OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD!!!

I was mortified. Felt horribly embarrassed. I immediately went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth SO hard and with SO much toothpaste that I’ll probably end up with chemical burns. I was literally almost throwing up brushing my tongue so hard.

All this while fighting back tears.. which made my nose run.. which made my sinus’ leak into the back of my mouth.

Wonderful.

Simply wonderful!

I went back in the bedroom and got back into bed.. with my back towards him and not opening my mouth. At all.

But I couldn’t get back to sleep.

So at 5:30am, I got in the car and drove to the 24hr Walgreen’s. :: Thank GOD for 24 hour Walgreen’s :: and bought a HUGE bottle of Listerine.

When I got back, I stayed out in the living room because.. I don’t know why exactly. I just couldn’t go back into the bedroom. About an hour or so later, he comes out and said something about me not being able to get back to sleep.

I shrugged so that my dragon breath wouldn’t sear across the room and singe his bald head.

He said, “.. you know, I have the stuff to clean the plate with.”

I said, “.. I can’t take it out. It only comes out once in a while by accident.”

He said, “.. I wasn’t trying to be rude or anything.”

I said, “I know you weren’t.”

He said, “I’m going to go back to sleep.”

I said, “Ok”

So off to the bedroom he went.

Now I have this phobia. And the worse part is … since being laid off, I don’t have any dental coverage now. Not even crappy dental coverage. So even if I did have extra money hanging around to go to the dentist, it would cost me even MORE.

Since I don’t, it’s a mute point.

Just add THIS to the list of things that make me feel inept.

Wonderful.

… it’s no secret to anyone reading this that I’ve been struggling with some pretty heavy feelings about my relationship with Chief.

Make no mistake. I love this man. More then I thought I could ever love anyone. Sometimes I stare at him sleeping or secretly watch him doing something mundane and my heart flutters and I get this rush of love that envelopes me.

And regardless of how horrible I’m feeling .. no matter mad I am at him or the kids or annoyed or angry or frustrated or feel like throwing in the towel.. all he has to do is so absent-minded and simple :: like draw a heart on my coffee cup:: and he can just turn my mood around.

I both dated and had relationships with other men between my divorce and meeting Chief and although some of them were great :: other’s were just downright freakin’ bizarre! :: no one had ever filled my heart so completely.

Excuse me if I posted on this before but the first night we talked :: for about 3 hours :: I remember asking him what he was looking for, relationship wise. His answer:

Just to be loved

And I knew when he said it.. the way he said it.. that I could do that. That I wanted to do that.

The first night we actually met, I drove to his :: ours now :: house. The boys were home so he suggested we go for a walk and grab a cup of coffee or something.

So I went in and sat down on the couch. He sat on the chair next to me and when our knees brushed accidentally, I could tell that he was nervous.

NOTE: I also caught him staring at my cleavage and when I said Like the boobs, huh? He had the good sense to blush!

He was the first guy that I met who didn’t make me feel nervous.. who I felt immediately comfortable with. No pretense.. no “best behavior”.. I was just me.. with all my dry sarcastic wit and randomness and he loved it. In fact, he was just as random and dry and sarcastic as I was.

While we were walking to get coffee, I felt his hand keep brushing against mine and I told him he could hold my hand if he wanted to. He did and after walking another few feet he stopped.. pulled me towards him and kissed me.

It sounds cliche… it sounds like something from a bad movie script.. but it felt like time stopped. Like there was nothing else in the world but the two of us kissing in the middle of a suburban street.

We may not make out like teen-agers like we used to but I still feel the same way everytime he kisses me.

Okay.. enough tripping down memory lane. But the thing is.. all that means something. How he makes me feel means something. All the good memories in our relationship mean just as much as the bad ones… it’s just that the bad ones stomp on the good ones a lot.

In trying to sort things out in my over-active mind, I made a comment that for whatever reason, God has put me here.  I have a firm believe that nothing is random :: except my sense of humor :: and that I am where I am suppose to be at this moment in time.

I also firmly believe that not only does God NOT give us more then we can handle but He gives us the things we NEED as opposed to the things we WANT.

I don’t profess to know what God’s plan for me is .. only that He has one and my internet angel Auroracoda suggested that maybe I think about why God gave me this relationship and situation.

And so I did. All day in fact and I believe I grabbed onto something that I may have buried deep down in the back of my brain.

Given the way I grew up.. given my first marriage.. I think that I try WAY TO HARD to have things in neat little packages. It’s probably why I rock at being a revenue analyst.

In my first marriage, I had to make all the decisions. About EVERYTHING. Literally.  Big things like what kind of car to buy to small things like what type of deoderant he should wear. Honestly, the man never bought his own clothes or shoes… couldn’t dress himself :: I mean, he could put the clothes on but I always had to pick them out :: .. didn’t even know what size he wore.

I was always the “go to” person.

That goes for my mom also.. after my dad passed away, she needed to make certain important decisions that she wasn’t used to making so she would ask for the Golden Child’s advice :: aka My Brother :: but everything else, she would ask me to make a choice for her.

I didn’t realize it then.. but that’s alot of pressure.

And when my marriage was going south and I was trying SO hard to keep my shit together and cement and mortar the facade .. I would see other couples and wondered why I couldn’t have what they had.

Why couldn’t I have my family over to MY house for holiday dinners? Why would I always be sent on the guilt trip of hell if I wanted to do something for ME that didn’t include my mother or the mindless minion? Why couldn’t I be with someone who wouldn’t tell me to buy my own birthday gifts or Christmas presents because “.. I don’t know what you want anyway” even though you’ve been married to me for XX years? Why couldn’t I be with someone who I could just be me with? Why the hell do I have to feel guilty for liking reality shows for Pete’s sake and NO, I DON’T LIKE GUNSMOKE, DAMMIT!

What’s all this have to do with Chief?

We all carry scars of one kind or another.. we all have damaged psyches to some extent and I think if you’re really honest with yourself I think you’ll find a time or instance where you’re self esteem took a serious blow. And although the new person shouldn’t have to pay for the sins of the old person… they do. It’s unfortunate.. but it’s a fact of life.

NOTE: Sorry for being so long-winded here but everybody else is asleep so this is my quiet time and I’m taking FULL advantage of it

So here’s the thing…

When I met Chief.. and when I knew that I would be a lot more then “very willing” to spend the rest of my life with him I promised myself that I would not repeat the mistakes I made with my previous relationships. I would not sacrafice myself or my likes / dislikes.. I would do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it without guilt. I would be me and allow him to be him.

But old habits die hard and what I’ve been doing is reverting back to the mindset I had when I was married. There’s a fine line between putting the needs of others before your own unselfishly and putting everyone else ahead of you.. if that makes sense.

It might not. It’s late.

This past year and half I was trying to have the perfect relationship.. the perfect house.. the perfect step kids. I’ve been busting my ass to prove to everyone else that not only is MY life better but THEIR life is better because of ME.

And what dawned on me earlier is that I’m trying so hard to prove it outwardly that I’m totally missing that important thing.. and that’s what’s inside.

I honestly believe.. right now.. that God didn’t put me here for THEM.. he put me here for ME. To show me that I am too controlling at times.. and I am more focused on making things “perfect” that I am discrediting what IS perfect.

Chief.. and Bubba.. and Spaz are people. They have personalities and feelings and faults and baggage and damage. They’re not puppies that need to be trained.

NOTE: That would be Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy in need of training

I’m missing compromise. I ‘m missing the joy of time. Chief was right when he said that sitting down to dinner was more important then worrying about the kitchen being cleaned becaues the kitchen is going to be there.. the time spent as a family wouldn’t be.

I was SO intent on being “right” .. that I completely blew off the sentiment of togetherness. Nothing should be more important then the people I share my life with.

To put it simply… Is it more important to spend the 10 extra minutes in the morning snuggling OR using that 10 minutes to get up and make the bed?

I hope you get what I’m saying because for me, it’s almost as if the clouds parted and the angels sang. Actually, it was more like the Wil E. Coyote Acme Anvil falling on my head.

Tonight.. for the first time in a long time.. I feel truly at peace.