Posts Tagged ‘Satan’

Ok.. so this is going to be a new feature, which I KNOW I’m going to regret somewhere down the line… especially if my mother discovers these posts.

Guess who’s not going to get the super tiny laptop for Christmas this year!!

Anyway, my blogging-buddy Mark :: his blog is the reason why I have to wear Depends :: does this and I figured .. yknow.. with as much info as I give out already why the hell NOT just strip everything off and run down the street naked.

Sorry.. not a good visual this early in the am!

So here we go.. my 1st TMI Thursday post.. and thanks again to Mark for the idea.

So flashback about 20 years or so..

In my area, there used to be “976” numbers.

“976” numbers were advertised by scantily clad women with breathy voices cooing .. call me and I’ll tell you my deepest fantasies … or .. want to hear what happened to ME last night? Call me …

Of course, they would ALWAYS leave out the “… you degenerate fuck who really needs to move out of your momma’s basement”

Anyway.. so 976 numbers were big money back in the day. I think it was something like 75 cent a minute or whatever.

So back in the day I was living with the Spawn from Satan’s Ass :: I don’t think we were married yet.. in fact, I KNOW we weren’t married yet :: and since he didn’t work but had this unsatiable desire to live like he did, I had to get a second job.

So I looked in the back of the local community paper and saw this add to write stories for 50 bucks a pop! Hmm… writing? Something I can do at home? 50 BUCKS???

That was a lot of money back then.. especially when you lived with someone who doesn’t work and had a habit of going to the store to buy ONE THING and comes home with a blown out credit card and a lot of useless stuff.

So I call the number and this dude answers and tells me what KIND of writing it was. I think he used the word “erotic” but after meeting him, I don’t think he knew how to spell it let alone say it so it just might be me filling the gaps of old memories.

Anyway.. he tells me that it’s for a “976” number and asks me if I knew what that was. I said I did and he asked me if I had a problem with it. Nope, I said. He then tells me that if I wanted to RECORD what I wrote, he’d throw in an extra 25 bucks.


75 bucks for indulging in the little freak that I am?


So I set about churning out these one page, single space stories. I think I must have wrote maybe 5 or 6 in one day. Let me tell you, it isn’t as easy as you might think. Being the perfectionist that I am, each story had to be different (characters, scenes, etc.) with no two “experiences” (read as: the erotic part) the same. The local library didn’t carry a copy of the Kama Sutra and this was WAY before the internet was at my finger tips so it was a challenge.

Finally satisfied, I called the dude and told him that I had the stories. He had told me that he started this phone line as a secondary source of income and in fact, he owned a jewlery store. He had set up a recording studio type thing in the basement of the store so we set up a time after hours for me to record my stories for the phone line.

Of course, The Spawn from Satan’s Ass wanted to come with.. for my safety, of course.. so we set out for the joint and pretty soon we were in the dusty basement “studio” which consisted of just a wooden table.. an old fashioned type microphone and some kind of recording thingy.

I sat on one side.. he sat on the other and the Spawn from Satan’s Ass sat on the end. Dude was wearing head sets.. gave me a cue.. and off I went.

Just let me say that I don’t know how porn stars do it… well, maybe that’s not the right analogy because after all, they ARE getting fucked.. maybe legit actors and actresses are a better comparison. I mean, here I am reading these stories and having to put in the “ooooohhhsss” and “mmmmmms” and “yes! yes! YESSSS!”s and make them sound convincing.

I didn’t think I was doing a particularly good job of it until maybe after the 3rd or 4th story, the Spawn from Satan’s Ass yells “YOU’RE GETTING A HARD ON!!”

Dude scrambles to turn off the recording machine as the Spawn jumps up from his chair. “You son of a bitch! You’re getting a hard on! We’re out of here.”

And being that the Spawn was the Spawn, I got up too. The dude shoved a wad of money in my hand and off we went.

Spawn was ranting and raving as we got to the car. The INDIGNITY OF IT ALL!! He thought Dude was PROFESSIONAL!! He couldn’t BELIEVE it! He should have PUNCHED IN THE GROIN SO HARD HIS BALLS WOULD BE IN HIS STOMACH… or some nonsense like that.

Then he started getting pissed at ME because I wasn’t bothered by it. Well.. DUH!!!.. I mean.. I would have been insulted if he didn’t get a hard on because THAT was the point of the whole thing, right?

Anyway.. of course, I wasn’t “allowed” to do it again and therefore ended my highly profitable career as an erotic writer before it even started!!

I just wanted to say that I appreciate everyone who pops by and reads my posts.

I also appreciate everyone who leaves a comment. THANK YOU SO MUCH! It means a lot to me it also feeds that little narcissistic cell in the back of my brain!

And because I need a life, I’m tickled more then pink whenever someone adds me to their blogroll. OMG! I wish I could send you all a batch of Chief’s Russian Tea Cookies!! They freakin’ rock and you guys are so deserving!!

So if you stop by and hang back in the shadows, please leave me a comment and let me know you were around. I love reading other people’s blogs too and if you have one, I’ll definitely stop by yours!

Now.. onto an email I just read.

Someone.. who shall remain nameless because I’m not the bitch that everyone tends to think I am.. wrote me this email questioning the authenticity of what I write and went so far as to say that their thought is verified by the fact that I don’t use real names, never revealed where I live, or show pictures of me or my family.

Look.. I know that some times the things that happen to me are way off the scale of randomness but honestly, it’s all the truth. And think about it from Chief’s perspective or the kids perspective.. do you think they really want EVERYBODY ON THE INTERNET to know what slobs they are? How his oldest son is a lying, thieving, manipulative junkie drug dealer? That he was stupid enough to marrying a crack whore just because she was pregnant and because his fucked up childhood made him believe that they could be the family he always wanted and craved?

Do you really think that he would want his customers to read all about that should they just happen to stumble across this blog?

Or how about the fact that the kids are dumb as rocks and have so many emotional and mental issues that it will probably impair them way into adulthood?

You have NO idea how hard it is to keep remembering to type CHIEF or BUBBA or SPAZ. It’s easy, though, to type CRACK WHORE because I call her that anyway!! LOL!

Do you really think that I would want to give out ANY information that could cause my satanic ex-husband to find me and cause conflict and disruption in my life because I had the nerve.. THE NERVE.. to divorce him after he held a sword to my throat?

I have to think about those things. I write because it’s an outlet for me and even though something may sound harsh.. there are also a lot of fun.. funny things that happen to. I may not enjoy my life every day.. all the time.. but it is my life and let’s face it, it could always be worse. I also write because sometimes I need other people outside my box to set me straight.. to allow me to see things from a different.. non-personal perspective.

Ok.. that went on WAY longer then I wanted but I think you guys get the drift. But to appease someone who does, in fact, read my blog often.. here’s ME:

Copy of me-3

And if you think I swiped that from some where off the internet then come on! If I was going to do that, don’t you think I would have choses a picture where my hair was blonder and boobs bigger? Heh!