Posts Tagged ‘Past’

Ok..

So to shift away from the current drama that is my life, we’re going to take another trip back to ’86.

Isn’t it funny how you read something 24 years later and it’s as if you wrote it yesterday? Well.. maybe not for you but I honestly can even remember writing the damn thing. It’s a pity that I’m not able to just scan the entries in because then.. THEN .. you’ll have the benefit of all my doodles and different colored pens!!

What I’m going to start doing with this entry is sticking my 2010 comments in..  because, really.. how freakin’ bizarro was I??

Thursday, 10 April 1986

It’s cold outside. I mean COLD!! And I thought they were only kidding about a snow shower. If I didn’t know it was April, I could swear it was January! Look at this fucking wacho with ice cream cones. Talk about bathroom wack-offs and just why am I obsessed with the weather?. I think the wack-off is the one writing this! Is that Mrs. C pulling up in her BMW? God that lady gives me an ulcer?

FERRY *Frankie Goes To Hollywood*

LIFE.. GOES ON DAY AFTER DAY. HEARTS.. TORN IN EVERY WAY.. SO FERRY.. CROSS THE MERZIE.. CAUSE THIS LANDS THE PLACE I LOVE.. AND HERE I’LL STAY.. AND HERE I’LL STAY.. PEOPLE.. THEY RUSH EVERY WHERE.. EACH.. WITH THEIR OWN SECRET PLAN.. SO FERRY.. CROSS THE MERZIE.. CAUSE THIS LAND’S THE PLACE I LOVE AND HERE I’LL STAY.

God, I love that song! And the version of “Born To Run” they do is GREAT! I get really hysterical at the beginning. There’s this guy and this girl having a conversation and she say’s something like, “.. if you’re late one more time the supervisor said he’s going to put you on the daily signer” and the guys go HA!! real loud and then they break into the intro to “Born To Run”. It’s really great. The whole album is, really. I really only bought it for “Born To Run”, “Relax” and “Welcome To The Pleasuredome.” But when I first heard it, I went wild. Obviously I had WAY too much time on my hands.. and this is before CD’s!!

I love to make myself up and flip the stereo up to ten and jam away like I’m a singer. OMG! That’s one thing I really want or wanted to be. A rock singer, or guitarist in a band. That would be SO cool OMG!! x2 Before, I used to take my walkman to work and when I was in the back bagging the clothes, I’d be singing full hilt, especially to Alison Moyet, and I’d got snagged a couple of times because I’d be so wrapped up in singing that I wouldn’t hear the door until it was too late. We’re talking EXTREME EMBARASSMENT!! I bet! Another thing I like to do beside starting paragraphs, Leese? is record “fake” duets. All I have to do is plug in the microphone, put in the song “.. of my choice” yes, I wrote it that way! and a blank tape in the other deck and go for it. Sometimes it comes out really good, you can hardly tell it’s dubbed. It’s like, “.. yea, I sang with Bruce and Paul and Alyson and Survivor and The Alarm and Frankie and Midge. They’re close personal friends of mine” ROFLMAO!! Who IS this freak!!! Nobody’s ever head them though. Except once. I had taped “The Secret of Association” album yes! vinyl! and it ran over onto side B where I had myself taped. I had been busy in the store and Paul’s that would be Paul Young album ended. There were people in the store and all of a sudden, you hear me and Bruce singing “Thunder Road” and one of the customers made a comment like, “.. that sounds like a dying moose”. I blamed it on LM and shut the tape off. That wasn’t really embarassing because nobody knew it was me.

I was trying to think of my most embarassing moment and I couldn’t think of one that’s because it hadn’t happened yet, thank God! I mean, I have been embarrassed but I can’t think of one time that gets me embarrassed every time I think about it. I remember this one time, M had come over to the bakery to pick me up from work and I had my old radio with me. So I told M to hold it at her house so it would give me an excuse to go back over such a conniver! Really it was so I could get out of my house to go over hers and have a cigarette. Bad Bad Girl! Well anyway, it was a Sunday and oh, there was a tape in the radio. So I had gotten done how’s that for grammar! eating dinner and the phone rang. I picked it up and said “hello” and I hear somebody singing the Canadian National Anthem. OMG! So I thought it was C but then M got on the phone and she was hysterical laughing wouldn’t you be, I mean come on.. the CANADIAN National Anthem? Which I still know, btw.. Then I realized that on the backside of the tape was ME singing. I ran over there SO fast!! Thinking about it now, it’s hysterical but I was embarassed then. And the time I was down the shore. Me , my brother and my cousin A were in the pool. I had this purple bathing suit on I should have been arrested by the fashion police In fact, I still have it. Anyway, we were in the pool. I was about, oh God, 7 or 8 years ago. Well, my left boob popped out of my bathing suit and my cousin swam u pto me and said, “.. I think you’re losing something” and pointed to it. That’s another thing I laugh about now. he probably doesn’t even remember, but you can be sure I’m not going to remind him. Could you imagine “.. Yo A, Do you remember about 8 years ago when you told me my boob was falling out of my bathing suit?” Come on!!!

Do you realize that since I’ve been writing I haven’t mentioned Rick once? Oh, the horrors!! Well, it’s 5:30 so he should be walking by pretty soon. Nobody better be in here breaking my balls either. I WANT HIM!

I was over at C’s house for a couple of hours I CAN’T BELIEVE THESE FUCKING PEOPLE!! OF ALL THE FUCKING TIMES FOR STRANGE TO COME IN LOOKING FOR SHIRTS! WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT HER FUCKING LAUNDRY?? WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT WHEN TRASH NIGHT IS AND THAT SHE LIKES TO HAVE ALL HER TRASH TOGETHER!! DON’T SHE THINK THAT I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT TRASH. 10 OF 6 RICK WALKS BY, LOOKS IN THE WINDOW TWICE AND I COULDN’T WAVE TO HIM!! AH MAN!! THAT’S IT! MY WHOLE DAY IS RUINED!!

RUINED!!

ALL BECAUSE OF SOME FUCKING ASS PUSSY NAMED STRANGE!! I’M SOOO PISSED OFF!! THAT’S IT! THE END!! MAYBE I’LL BE LUCKY AND HE’LL TAKE CLOTHES IN BUT I DOUBT IT!! I WAS BORN WITHOUT  LUCK!! I’M CONVINCED!!

Um.. can anyone say PSYCHO?? Jesus!! Talk about an over the top reaction, huh? This for a guy that I hadn’t even had a conversation with until then!! ROFLMAO!!

Mind you.. these tantrum was written in 3 inch letters with the RUINED!!!! about half the page!! OMG.. sooo ridiculous and awfully, Glenn Close-ish, huh??

A while ago, my girl Jean over at Jean Has Been Shopping issued a challenge:

Write a letter to your 1989 self.

And me.. ever one for a challenge did just that. Read it HERE if you want to amuse yourself!

Last week sometime I went to go visit my mom. I try NOT to visit her often and I know that sounds really, REALLY bad but for every 15 minutes of catch up I have to endure an hour lecture about finding a job.

Doesn’t matter that I tell her that I’m 45, DON’T live under her roof and DON’T hit her up for money .. she feels that she is allowed to constantly barrage me and it just wears me down.

Anyway.. off point there. Excuse the whine.

So I go down there and she tells me that she was cleaning her basement and found all this stuff of mine that she wants to give me.

Mind you, I moved into her house after I left my first husband and took 18 years of “stuff” with me.. add that to the “stuff” that I already had there and well, it’s a lot of stuff.

I don’t have room to move it all into my current house.. nor would I really want to because it’s “stuff” and if I learned anything about  myself from watching hour after hour of Hoarders, it’s that I’m seriously not one. In fact, I’m probably the polar opposite.

Eck.. sorry.. this is going in a whole different direction then intended!!

The whole point of this post is that my mother found my journals from 1986. I don’t know how.. didn’t remember where they even WERE :: first guess was in the drop ceiling of my bedroom but I can’t imagine her climbing on a chair and lifting panels :: but when she brought up the box from her basement with my stuff there they were.

And OMG!! Did I laugh!!

I always wrote. Even as a younger kid. Stories and diaries and the whatnot so there are so many different layers to travel back to but this one 5 subject, 200 page, college ruled notebook is just PRICELESS!!

So I think I’m going to share.

Because really… this is epic!! LOL!!

Wednesday, 9 April 1986

It looks like it’s going to rain. It’s chilly out, too. J came into work this morning but I wasn’t here. I saw the ticket for his clothes. He didn’t pick up his shirts though.

I was short $10 yesterday in the register so I had to make up the difference. I can’t figure out why I was short.

I had this really weird dream last night. I was with RR and JC and we were going over a bridge, and a car went over the side and into the water. then another car went over. I was going really fast and had to swerve no to go into the water. It looked like the bridge that burned down in Egg Harbor. It was black wood and went straight up and down. It was really stange because we were going to hike back over the bridge like everyone else was doing only on the outside of the bridge. The water was very green and choppy and it had white breakers.

I have these horrible cramps.

M told me that SJ and N are renting a room to celebrate their first year anniversary on April 12th. He’s such a dick. I can honestly say that I really don’t give a shit. Thinking about it now, it was like he was 80 cent short of a dollar. If I ever see him on the street, I mean I won’t go banannas. It’s interesting to see whether or not he’ll say hello to me or not. Probably the “I was going to call you..” line. I think it was a good experience for me though, because I had been the one who did the persuing and to an extent it worked. We had fun for a couple of nights. Maybe if I ever get my own house, I’ll build a bridge going from the dining room into the kitchen.

Well, it’s a quarter to five. Almost time to see Rick. I saw him last night. I waved. He waved. I saw him at 530, which is early. At least, it is compared to the last couple of days.

Dr. M’s fiance just came in. She’s fucking wackier then he is. She came in with Nurse S who’s really a wack off. She makes me go crazy writing up a ticket for this stupid jacket with a million stains on it, then I have to stick a million STAIN tickets on it. She finally leaves only to come back and tell me she changed her mind and wants the jacket back. So I get stuck taking all the tickets for the stains off. Here, she’s marrying the flake on Sunday. God forbid.

My mom just called and was bitching about me not giving the dog his pills. Plus, to top it off, she said she wanted to go to JCPenny’s

**CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!! I was all set to see Rick. the radio was blaring, my feet were up on the table VERY COMFORTABLE POSE!! And this fucking lady comes in and starts asking about her fur. He walks by, smiles, waves, I wave back and THAT’S IT!! **

So last night, I’d told her that we’d go. Now she doesn’t want to go. After she just babbled on about how much she needed pants, and that I told her we were going come hell or high water. You figure it.

But getting back to Rick.. he waved this time and smiled too. Which I think is breaking the ice a little. He passed by 20 of 6. After all, he waved first. i want him. He’s SO adorable. I can see us together. I really can. I smile every time I think about him.

I think I’m going to call M and see if she wants to go down to 3rd Street and do some shopping.

I can picture me sitting outside on the step during the summer and Rick walking back from work. By that time, I hope, we know each other a little better. So he’ll walk by and say “hi” or maybe I’ll have my walkman on and he’ll tap me on my head or something to get my attention. Then he’ll say something like “.. aren’t you suppose to be working” or the EVER POPULAR “enjoying the sun?” or “trying to get a tan?” and I’ll answer and then he’ll go into his apartment only to come back out again and sit on the step with me. We;ll start talking and I’ll bitch every time I see a customer and he’ll laugh and then right before I have to go in for good, he’ll as me what I was doing that night only in a really cool way like, “.. you wanna do something tonight?” or he might even say, “.. you wanna get together sometime” Of course, I’d say “yea”!

More shivers up my spine.

Ok.. is that HYSTERICAL or what?

To make sense of a few things:

  • I was working in a dry cleaners in ’86
  • Rick was a guy that lived across the street from the cleaners and wore a beret and army jacket. Love at first sight!! ROFLMAO
  • SJ was a parking lot attendant that parked my car one night and got an immediate crush on. I would drive by the parking lot every night and beep at him until finally we hung out. Turns out he had a girlfriend who went to school with my BFF at the time. Small world.

.. so Tuesday, August 5th was me and Chief’s 2 year anniversary.

Feels like we’ve been together WAY longer then that :: in a good way.. heh.. AND a bad way!! LOL ::

This year’s anniversary was awesome. Dinner at my new all-time favorite neighborhood joint :: gotta love neighborhood joints.. even though this one is three neighborhoods over!! :: .. taking in a spontaneous movie .. an awesomely perfect card with a picture of just a couple’s feet that are laying face down on a bed and the inside that read My Favorite Place In The World Is Next To You. Inside he wrote the following:

Hi Baby,

I know putting up with me is hard and so often our lives seem a struggle but without you my struggle would be lost,, I would be lost..

So after 2 years and a lot of stress.. Honey, I love you more now then ever and more everyday

Yknow… you can keep the dinners and movies and stuff because just what he wrote was enough of a gift.

Heh.. BUT!! He also got me this:

pendant

You had to be there when I opened the box:

ME: (sqqqquuueeeeaaallll) OMG! OMG! OMG!

HIM: It matches the earrings I got you for your birthday

ME: (sqqqquuueeeeaaallll) OMG! OMG! OMG! It’s a Past, Present and Future pendant

HIM: Oh. I thought it was just rocks on a rope

Hmmm… maybe you had to be there! But that’s just how we are!! LOL!!

Anyway…

The thing that made THIS anniversary SO damn special was because last year’s :: our first :: sucked. It such a HUGE way!

No.

Really.

S.U.C.K.E.D

Here’s my journal entry:

5 August 2008     10:43pm  Our First Anniversary

Where do I begin? Right now we should be celebrating, reminiscing .. remembering what made us fall in love.. laughing.. reliving the “aww moments.. and instead, I’m laying on the bed crying and he’s asleep.

I was SO looking forward to today.. more then you can imagine. Guess I let my hopes get too high again.. I’m so unbelievably hurt that I can’t wait to just write this down and go to sleep to end it. I thought he “got” me.. thought he understood me and how important today was to me.. and even if it wasn’t to him, it was to ME and if I’m important to him then he should have gone out of his way. Yes, he got me 2 cards and I appreciate them and I feel selfish for expecting more but dammit, there won’t be another “first anniversary”.. there’s no making htis up. The moment has passed and anything he might do to make it up to me will only come off as being out of obligation.. not because of loving me and wanting to celebrate with me.. And it doesn’t matter that I got him personalized M&Ms. I wasn’t expecting anything grand.. just something tangible.

Ironically, there’s a postcard on postsecret.com this week that said something like “… the quickest way to make me leave is by making me feel unimportant”. I could have sent that card.. it’s things like this.. and other’s.. that make me feel so UNloved and UN important.

He said before that the store is like a baby that has to be taught to stand.. well, our relationship is only a toddler that keeps falling on it’s ass. I’ve been wanting to tell him that for the last week but was waiting for today because I KNEW he wouldn’t let me down. I just knew it.. and all night I waited. Thinking about how he tortured me on my birthday.. and held out.. played it off until we came home from the store.. But the later it got, the more it didn’t seem like it… until we left the store to go get stuff at the supermarket and he said he forgot his credit card and we had to stop at the house.

I just KNEW he had something for me in the bedroom. But he didn’t and I was literally crushed.

After all the times I’ve been hurt.. this is the worst.. and I don’t know what to tell the girls at work tomorrow when they ask how tonight was.. that it’s now obvious that I was wrong about him and he’s just like every other guy? Why can’t I just have somebody who’s just as excited and appreciateve about me as I am for them? Things are different now.. and I’m devistated about it.. I really, really am.

I let you in on this not to bash him… and in reality, revisiting that was more for me then it was for you. Sometimes I need to remember that as much as we are the same, we are two very different people who have had their share of good and bad experiences with past relationships. I can’t pick and choose how I want him to be… Not like other’s here but like some other’s there..

He wasn’t made to order. He’s just Chief.

I have to remember to be fair to him because honestly, sometimes I’m not.

Although I’ll NEVER defend or justify his not getting me a gift last year, I had gotten my little dig in a few months after it happened. He told me that he looked it up on line and found that First Anniversay gifts are “paper” and he thought.. in his Chief way.. that cards made from paper were sufficient.

Sad part about this man that I love? He was sincere. Not trying to wiggle out of anything… he absolutely thought it was appropriate.

A few weeks ago, he said that he wanted ME too look up with Second Anniversary gifts are so that he wouldn’t repeat the travesty that was last year.

ME: I don’t have to look it up. Second year is jewlery.

HIM: (suspiciously) reeeaaallllyyy?

ME: Hey.. you want safe? Every year is jewelry.. ok?

HIM: No seriously.. isn’t it wood?

ME: (pointing my finger in his chest) Now look buddy.. if you think giving me the morning wood constitutes an anniversary gift then you better get your ass down to the jeweler’s now!!

We both laughed.. because.. yknow.. that’s how we roll.

Anyway.. my man did good this year!!