Posts Tagged ‘Mother’


First let me state for the record that I love my mother very much. If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t have had the reaction that I had on Friday.

So Friday afternoon, Chief closed the shop early and we went for a ride out to a local farmer’s market. While there, my cell phone rings and it’s my mother. She immediately starts telling me something about my grandmother’s heating bill and some application that they never received from the gas company.

Had a great Thanksgiving.. thanks for asking, Mom.

So I tell her that I wasn’t home but when I did get home I’d call her and look up whatever information she needed online. She asks where we’re at and I tell her.

HER: Make sure you buy me something nice for Christmas.

ME: What are you Spaz? What do you mean make sure I buy you something nice for Christmas?

HER: Just what I said.

ME: Are you implying that I don’t buy you something nice for Christmas?

HER: Well, just make sure it’s from a nice store and not from the farmer’s market.

I was like, are you fucking kidding me? It may not seem like a big deal in print, but you had to hear the tone in her voice and the little sarcastic “hmph”.

And the thing is, I never shorted her on a gift.. regardless of what my financial situation was.. and now this year, since I’ve been laid off and money is tight I’m already feeling guilty that I have to be extra frugal and can’t go all out like I used to do. I figured people would understand.. I figured MY FAMILY would understand because really, when the hell did the true meaning of Christmas become how much money you spent on a gift?

IN FACT .. this year, I was going to get her one of those 200.00 laptops.

Key word: WAS

It just really got under my skin and really fucked up the rest of my day.

So when I got home, I called her like I said I was going to but was my usually chippy self. She picked up on it right away and asked me if I was mad about something.

But the WAY she asked it lit the neon sign that made it clear that she knew exactly what was bothering me.

So I tell her that I was upset.. that her comment about her Christmas gift had hurt my feelings.

Her reaction would have made you think that I was accusing her of smuggling drugs in puppy belly’s or something.

She said she was only joking :: of course she was only joking. .that’s EVERYBODY’S excuse when they say something that hurts somebody else’s feelings :: and that there must be something else bothering me. I told her there wasn’t.. she got all defensive again and pulled out her violin. She said that everybody can tease but her.. which is bullshit and I told her that. Then she said, “.. OH, GO FIND A JOB”.

Like.. what the FUCK?

What the FUCK does THAT have to do with anything?

By then, the wall went up and I was like, “.. yea. Find a job. Real nice.”

I didn’t even want to talk to her anymore. So I told her that the online application that I filled out was submitted and hung up.

Chief knew how upset I was.. and he was getting upset for me. Especially the whole job thing.. because she will never accept that working in the shop that I OWN is work. And that gets under his skin big time.

The thing is.. when your a child, you see your parents as “parents”.. but when your older and see your parents as the adults that they are, you also see their flaws.

My mother is, deep down, a good hearted person. She’s generous and funny and devout. But she’s also very judgmental, negative and opinionated on things she has no business having an opinion on.

She uses the fact that I’m her daughter as an excuse to say and do whatever it is she says and does and thinks it automatically gives her a free pass.

And it doesn’t.

Because there is never a justification to hurt someone’s feelings and not own up to it.

… wasn’t really busy in the shop today. The last few days were killer so actually being able to stand behind the counter and read all the drama surrounding Michael Jackson and his kids in this weeks US Magazine was really a welcome relief.

Out of the corner of my eye, I happen to notice Sarge getting out of a black car. Normally, when he does pop around the shop, he’s in his work van so I kind of figured something was a little beyond unusual.

He just doesn’t come around for no reason.

I actually was waiting on a customer when Sarge, his wife and another woman walked into the store asking for Chief.

I told Sarge that he was in the back taking a nap and why doesn’t he go back there and wake him up. The other woman introduces her self to me and I shake her hand, apologizing for smelling like lunch meat.

Sarge’s wife, the Sea Hag, says dryly that that’s what I’m suppose to smell like. She meant because I was working in a deli but you have to know her to understand the context.

The Sea Hag .. for no reason and certainly no basis .. looks down on everyone and so I think even standing in our store was giving her hives.

At any rate..  Sarge returns from the kitchen soon followed by Chief who gives an OMG!! when he sees the other woman.

The Sea Hag immediately starts talking to me about my mother in law and the phone call I had received from her. Again reiterating that they weren’t the one’s giving out my phone number and that it had markings of something that the other brother would do.

She made it sound sinister and I told her that even though I never met the other brother, I can see how he would think that my cell number was the house number and really, there was no harm.. no foul.

She started telling me all these things about what her and Sarge had done for the mother and how the mother completely trashed them. How they spent a hundred dollars on food for her when Sarge was out of work :: making it seem like a hardship :: but that the mother turned her nose up to it.

I told her that I felt bad for the mother.. that having worked for a hospital that had owned a nursing home and required me to train their staff there, it was hard for me emotionally to come across people that were just casted off. I told her that I :: before the vile voice mail :: wanted to go visit her and that I had wanted :: before the vile voice mail :: to send her clothes and personal items annoymously :: which, of course, she said SHE wanted to do too :: but that I had to honor and respect Chief’s wishes.

She said that maybe we could do something for her together.. go visit her together but not get her involved in our lives :: contradictory to what she had said earlier about not having ANYTHING to do with her, mind you :: but again, I told her that I had to abide by Chief.

That it was about the whole “love… honor.. and obey” vow.

What I believe.. and you have every right not to go along with me here .. is that at some point in a relationship, a decision has to be made where both sides are at an impasse. And it is at such a point where someone needs to defer to the other. It could be Chief deferring to me or me deferring to him but someone is going to have to take the lead and it’s in those cases where I honor the “obey” part of my marriage vows. It’s trusting the other person enough to say, “.. ok. I don’t necessarily agree with you but if you believe as strongly as you do then I’m not going to keep [something] from progressing because I think I’m right”

It’s basically the art of picking and choosing your battles!!

At any rate.. she was going on and on about how Chief should go visit her. And I mean, really.. the way she said it and pointed her finger at him I literally wanted to jump over the counter and punch her nose through to the back of her head.

But that’s the kind of people they are…

Only SHE AND SARGE were the one’s that had to deal with her.. Only SHE AND SARGE were the “good” and “faithful” children who went to visit her etc, etc, etc.

It’s a crock of simmering shit is all that is.

So I told her what I had posted before… I did not grow up they way they did.. did not see.. hear.. feel.. or bear the scars of their childhood. Everybody has their own story.. their own version .. and then there is the truth. I am not going to judge anyone.. am not going to feel annimosity towards anyone else based on something I didn’t see.. hear.. or experience.

I am going on Chief’s word because he is my husband and my duty is to him. If  he.. as he said.. doesn’t want me to open the Pandora’s box, then I’m not. Regardless of my emotions or sentiments. He doesn not want his mother in his life.. in his kids lives.. in our life.. and that’s the way it’s going to stay until HE tells me other wise.

She got a little indignent but I couldn’t care less.

Apparently, our conversation was over because she said something to Sarge about leaving. The whole time me and the Sea Hag were talking.. Chief, Sarge and the other woman were having their own conversation and as everyone started to say their goodbyes, I heard Chief say something about emailing him and then tearing a piece of register tape.

I assumed he was writing down his email address :: which he never checks anyway :: and then we said our goodbyes and everyone left.

After they were gone, Chief said to me “.. well that was awkward” and I asked him why. He told me the other woman was his old girlfriend from when he was like 17 or something and that he was kind of pissed that Sarge just had thrown that on him.

I told him that considering the way Sarge is, he probably had a chubby just thinking about how Chief was going to react when they walked in.

On my part, I didn’t think anything of it. I knew that all the brothers had tons of friends :: both guys and girls :: growing up and that Sarge had become such a Facebook geek that he had reconnected with a lot of them.

Chief had told me about this particular girl before.. how her mother was crazy about his long-haired, motorcycle, bad-boy ass and that she [the mother] was the one responsible for talking him into going to culinary school.

I asked him if he thought that bringing her to the deli was the reason why the Sea Hag was so interested in monopolizing my attention and he said probably and then when he first saw her his first thought was, “.. omg, how am I going to explain this to Leese.”

Which I thought was a typical male response.

And I can’t say I’m bothered by it.. :: maybe a little by Chief’s assertion that he could tell she was thinking that he looked damn good :: because everybody has a past and I learned long ago that I can’t battle memories. But the masochistic side of me wonders what he was really thinking when he saw her. You know, how everybody gets the “What If” syndrome?

Make no mistake.. I know Chief loves me.. I know he knows what his life would be like without me. I am not a jealous person.. I am not an un-confident person :: for the most part :: but I am still a girl and sometimes there is a dose of competition that surfaces when you happen to be thrown into a situation where your brother in law brings your husband’s old girlfriend to your store! LOL!

Actually, I just think it was a shitty thing to do. Not so much for the sadistic-ness is seeing Chief’s reaction.. but for not at least thinking about how I would feel about it. How did he know that I wouldn’t just get all bent out of the shape or have it become an issue between me and Chief?

The fact is that he didn’t because he doesn’t care. All Sarge cares about is himself and the hell with everyone else.

Nice guy, huh?

Here’s something to ponder.

How much are you entitled to know about your significant other’s family or their past.

I’m not talking about things that could be of potential harm to you or would have a negative effect on you or your life.

Things like a psychopathic uncle I think should be shared … or if there’s a federal warrant lingering or tax evasion charge.. stuff like that.

But suppose it’s perefrial info? Suppose it’s information about a person who has since changed their life around?

Should you know? Do you have a RIGHT to know? If you found out, should you tell your significant other that you did?

Because that’s the situation I find myself in now.

NOTE: Come on.. by this time if anyone DOESN’T think I need a freakin’ reality show then you need serious meds!!

The upside to Facebook is that it puts you in contact with people. The downside to Facebook is that it puts you in contact with people.

Through FB, I’ve become close with one of Chief’s cousins, Bird.

Bird is around the same age as Chief and Sarge and was probably the cousin that spent the most time at their house growing up. Bird, like me, was a major tomboy so growing up where they did.. at the time they did.. with 4 male cousins and a relatively close age difference is basically a tomboy’s wet dream.

Bird is also a talker. And she gave me the low down on a lot of things that are contrary to either what I’ve been told and my own instincts about people.

I just deleted about 27 paragraphs of detail about what she told me. And the reason why I did is not because it’s an embarassment :: yea, me? Embarrassed? Do you READ this blog? :: or because it would make anyone in my family look bad because lets face it, there’s no way you would know any of them…

But the reason why I deleted it is because I started to feel the same way I felt when Bird first told me.

When we had ended our conversation and I was able to lift my chin off my knees and actually swallow, I rolled over onto a sleeping Chief and just held him. I was sooo sad for everything he had been through growing up.. I just wanted to hold him and protect him and never let anything bad happen to him ever again.

I knew he had been through a lot growing up.. I knew in my gut that his reasons for doing the things that he did in the past was a direct result from everything in his childhood. All the scattered puzzle pieces finally fit.

Coming from a big, close knit family I couldn’t grasp the fact that he had no desire to be too involved with his family.. that he hadn’t spoken to 2 of his brothers in years.. I couldn’t fathom having a twin :: Sarge :: and not being close to him..

I know why now.

I know why when Sarge is around for longer then 20 minutes, you can hear the voices in Chief’s head screaming JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE even though he puts on a smile and tolerates him.

I understand now why he’d rather be left alone and not really deal with anyone in his family and I feel a little guilty for pushing him the way I sometimes do.

No child should have gone through the things he did.. no child should have been exposed to what he was.. it’s a tragedy.

Now, my father in law is no where near the person he used to be. We have a great relationship and I love him to death. I can’t hold his past against him because I see no evidence of it now but I don’t have Chief’s scars.

Regardless of anything I’ve ranted about or got pissed off about, one thing is crystal clear. People are who they are because of the things they’ve seen, heard and been exposed to.

And for all his faults… and in spite of everything that occurred prior to meeting me, Chief is a good man. All he wanted was to be loved and that “want” led him down some wrong paths :: ie: the crack whore ::.

But he has it now.. in abundance. And just when I think I can’t love him any more then I already do… I do.

The best part is that he knows it. And knowing it has given him the confidence to know that no matter what happens, he always has somebody standing behind him.. supporting him when he needs to be supported.. anchoring him when he needs to be anchored.. someone who will always have his back and someone he knows he can always trust.

If he had that growing up, how different his life would have been.

A few weeks ago :: sorry, I really haven’t been able to post as much as I really need to! :: my cell phone rang around 930pm. The caller id came up as an area as opposed to a phone number and since my own brother lives in that general vacinity, I assumed the call was from him.

I was wrong.

It was Chief’s mother.

Yep. His mother.

Don’t usually read anything about her do you? That’s because she isn’t talked about.

When we first met and I had inquired about his parents, he told me that she was in a home. He had to put her there because she has :: and had since his youth :: a perscription drug and alcohol problem. She wasn’t able to live on her own and so she went to live with him around the time that he got custody of the boys. Not to go into too much detail, but her living with him was one contributing factor to his own alcohol abuse.

He never told me anything specific and I never pushed because you could visibly see the pain cross his face but the boys had told me incidents and while I could never conceve of putting my own mother into a home, I could fully understand why he had to.

It didn’t help that his three brothers left everything to him.. wouldn’t help with her or bear any burden. Their stance was, “… well, Chief had to deal with her.”

When she called, he was asleep. But I’m not the quietest of talkers and I wound up waking him up. I mouthed to him who was on the phone and he immediately motioned his hand across his throat as if to say, “… I’m not here. Don’t give me the phone. PLEASE LEESE.. do not tell her I’m awake!”

And so I didn’t … she told me that she got my phone number from Sarge’s wife. From what she said, she called there first because the “home” was kicking her out and she needed a place to stay. Sarge’s wife supposedly said, “… well you can’t stay here. Call Chief”

She asked how big our house was and I instinctively told her that we were all living on top of each other since it was so small. That’s not true but I figured that there would be no good coming from telling her the truth.. especially since Chief was so adament about talking to her.

We went on to have a 20 minute conversation and I afforded her every kindess and respect that I was raised to exhibit.

I told her that I would give Chief the message that she had called and we hung up.

Me and Chief spoke about the phone call briefly. He questioned how she got my number and also told me that she was under no threat of being thrown out of anywhere. This was something that she does every so often.

His first instinct was to have me change my phone number.. something that I didn’t want to do.. His second was to get P-I-S-S-E-D at Sarge for giving my number out.

I wound up talking to Bird later on that night and she was telling me all this stuff about Chief’s mom :: her aunt :: that really made my heart bleed. Things like the staff doesn’t believe she has a family because no one visits her.. and that she gets her clothes from the rack that houses the garments of residents who have died.

This really broke my heart because it pains me that the elderly are treated the way they are in some families.. as throw aways.. and I started trying to come up with ideas that would benefit her without necessarily cause Chief grief.

The following night, I was at the shop with Chief preparing for a huge catering order when my phone rang again. The time, a name of a suburban hospital registered and Chief automatically cancelled the call. “I don’t want to deal with her” is what he said.

The voice mail ringy thing went off and so, curious, I listened to it.

My chin dropped to my knees and me.. who usually is NEVER without something to say.. was speechless.

The voice mail lasted for the whole time allotment and was filled with the most vile.. nasty.. horrible things that I ever had directed towards me. Not even anything that my ex spewed at me could compare.

Not being able to help it, my eyes started welling up with tears. I mean, what did I ever do to this woman? Chief asked me what was wrong and I held up the phone.. he didn’t hear all of it, but what he did.. he just grabbed the phone and turned it off.

I went into the back kitchen and sat down on some milk crates.. literally stunned and shell shocked. He said that I had to understand that she was a paranoid schizo and to not take it personally.

I asked him how one could NOT take all that personally and having lived with a paranoid schizo for 18 years, it doesn’t ever NOT hurt.

He said that he had hoped I would never have to deal with her.. why he doesn’t want her in his life or around the boys. Every day was one extreme to the other and the best place she could be was where she was at.

I felt so beat up.. and so blindsided.. and I asked him how much more did I have to take? What the hell else was down the pike that I was going to get hit with?

He just put his arms around me because.. really.. what else could he do?

I talked to Bird again, relaying what happened. She said it didn’t sound like her aunt.. that maybe somebody else said something to her that made her turn on me the way she did.

You have to understand that from Bird’s perspective, Chief’s mother was more a victim of her marriage then an instigator in it. Bird’s father and Chief’s mother are brother/sister so there will be a biased. From Chief’s perspective, his mother.. her illness.. and her addictions caused as many disruptions as his father’s alcohol abuse.

I don’t know who to believe.. and it really isn’t important. It is not my place to take a side or pass judgement for other people’s past actions.. especially when I was not involved or personally affected.

All I knew was that I was put in the fire by someone who gave out my phone number and all arrows pointed to Sarge. That caused tension with Chief :: who as I’ve said before, doesn’t necessary have alot of good thoughts about his twin :: and he said something to his father about it.

Initially, my father in law said that he wasn’t going to bring it up with Sarge because it would be just another person in the middle. I respected him for that and told him that I didn’t WANT him in the middle. I would take it up with Sarge myself.

I think though that our relationship is such that it bothered him that I had been on the receiving end of such vile things because later on that afternoon, I got a phone call from Sarge insisting that it wasn’t him. Him and his wife were on speaker phone telling me all kinds of things to prove it wasn’t them.

I didn’t necessarily believe them until he mentioned that she had also called their other brother. The puzzle pieces started to fit because I had forgotten that this brother also had my phone number.

When Chief had been arrested, this brother called my phone and I’m may be going out on a limb but I believe that he didn’t know that the number he was calling was my personal cell phone and not our house phone.

She may have contacted him asking for Chief’s number because from what I hear from ALL parties, Chief was the only son who cared enough about her to try to help her at all.

I haven’t received a call since then.. and I doubt that I will.

I just finding it hard to wrap my brain around just how fucked up this family truly is.. remember, my family is nothing.. nothing.. NOTHING like this and I feel like I’m hanging on to an empty water bottle in the middle of the ocean in trying to digest everything.

So far, at least 13 people asked me what I got for Mother’s Day.

At I’ve only been here for 2 hours.

Long.. long.. day

… so what constitutes a “mother”?

Is it someone who contributed DNA, a birth canal and little else OR is it someone who provides, nutures, and protects?

I ask this because DUH! Today is… was?… Mother’s Day and while I am not a “biological” mother.. I am a “mother” in every other sense of the word.

In fact, I’ll give you an example of what I’m talking about…

Yesterday :: Saturday:: I was at the shop with Chief from early in the morning until we closed… about 13 hours.

Spaz was home either by himself or with Bubba until about an hour before we closed.

When he came in, he immediately grabbed a pack of Starbursts and asked him father if he could have them. His father.. who was in the middle of cleaning the store’s kitchen said “yes”.

I asked Spaz if he had eaten anything all day and he said he hadn’t. Now, I know there wasn’t anything in the house to eat. Not that I’m proud that our cubbards are practically bear, but the kids come to the store for breakfast.. they eat lunch at school.. come to the store after school and get a snack and then we have dinner so it’s not like they don’t eat and if you see the size of them :: Spaz in particular who is wider then he is tall :: then you’d realize that they’re not starving.

Because of this, there is LESS food in the house then before we openned the store.  Both eat because they are bored and because there is stuff TO eat, not because they’re hungry and because there is alot of time when they are by themselves they’d be bigger then they are now if they were allowed to just graze all day.

Knowing this.. I guess you’re wondering why I even asked Spaz if he had eaten. The answer is that I was surprised he hadn’t been down to the store a lot earlier and knew he had to have made himself something.. I also know that he lied when he said he didn’t.

It’s a game.. a game that gets old but I still play it to keep reinforcing the fact that I’m a lot smarter then they are and there is very, very few things that they can get past me.

So I said to him, “If you haven’t eaten all day then you’re not just going to have candy. Get something real to eat.”

He threw the fit.. of course.. whining that he didn’t want anything else and stomped out of the kitchen. I thought to myself.. What the FUCK?

So I got REAL whatever and said, “You can still have the candy.. just eat something better for you first.”

He started answering back and Chief went after him.. I don’t actually know what he said but I did hear Spaz say, “But you said I could have them”

Chief got pissed then and said, “Oh no.. you’re not going to do that. You’re NOT going to try and pit me against Leese. She takes care of you better then I do.”

And there you have it. A kind of self admission.

But yknow what? I started thinking, why am I even giving a fuck?  If he wants to be a beach ball and be bullied by kids and teased because he’s fat… if he wants to keep wearing clothes that would be big on his father.. if he wants to keep giving me a hard time about every single thing.. then yknow what? I’m not going to keep worrying about it. Let me rephrase.. I’m not going to be the ONLY one to keep worrying about it.

And so for the rest of the night, I barely gave Spaz the time of day.

There are those who are going to say that I should behave in a more adult manner.. that he’s only a kid.. that I should be more patient.. more understanding.. blah blah blah.

The only thing I can say to that is you have to walk a block in my Converse All Stars first.

I tell you that only because it fits in with today.

I woke up this morning to nothing unusual. Bubba slept out again :: of course :: and Spaz slept in the living room again :: of course ::.

I woke up around 8am to Chief playing with the dog.

We watched a little tv and then went to McDonald’s for breakfast. We came home.. ate.. played some video games.. I went to dye my hair while they watched a Eureka maration on the SciFi channel.. Chief fell asleep, I got ready to go to my grandmother’s and left around 12:45.

I came home around 6 to Chief watching some scifi movie and Spaz playing video games.

I got a card.. and flowers for Mother’s Day.


Earlier in the day, my girlfriend Chica texted me. My cell phone was in the bedroom and when I looked at it Chief asked me who it as from and I told him. He asked me what she had said because he knows she has a quirky sense of human and usually forwards me jokes.. I told him, “.. oh, she wished me Happy Mother’s Day.”

He was like, “… awww!! oohh.. ” and gives me this big hug and says “Happy Mother’s Day to me”.

I thought then.. because he’s a dumbass.. that it had slipped his mind and that while he was out getting stuff for dinner while I was gone, he would have picked me up something or whatever.

But I guess that was too much to ask… I guess.. yknow.. whatever.

The hard part was that when I got to my grandmother’s, everyone was there and they asked me what I had gotten for Mother’s Day since this is my second on with them and last year Spaz had made me something in school and Bubba had bought me flowers.

So through gritted teeth and blaming my watery eyes on old eye liner and driving in the sun without sunglasses, I told them that Chief had made me breakfast in bed and that the kids had given me cards and a really, really nice flower arrangement.. probably from the florist next door to the shop.

Everybody “ooh’d” and “aahhh’d” and told me how sweet was and how lucky Chief should feel that he has me and that I do such a good job with putthing up with the kids and how strong a person I am and how not many woman would have stuck around.

I know all that was suppose to be a compliment but it just got harder and harder to not cry :: in fact, I’m sobbing a little as I right this :: ..  because it was all a lie.

And I HATE lying… I do.. and it seems that in this relationship.. that’s all I do because I don’t want to hear … what do I not want to hear? The truth, maybe?

I dunno know…. there’s a lot of conflicting emotion.


Hang on a minute.. I have to go dry my eyes, smoke a cigarette and calm down a little. ..

Ok.. I’m back.. sorry about that but Chief is sleeping next to me and I really didn’t want him to know that I was crying.

And that’s the other thing…

When I got home from my grandmother’s, I debated bringing the flowers inside. They’re of the hanging-outside variety so it’s not like I had to bring them in the house but I didn’t want to get into it.

I had thought it about the whole drive home. I really, really thought he would have gotten me something but yknow.. anyway.. when I walked up to the front of the house, I left the flowers outside next to the step.

I can’t “hide” anything.. when I’m upset, it shows in my face.. my aura.. you name it. He knew as soon as I walked in that something was up and he asked me about it.

I blew it off for a couple of reasons. One, mainly, because when I’m upset about things that have to do with him or the kids, I have to digest it first.. come to terms with it first.. before I can talk about it.

I hate having “emotional” confrontations and need the time in order to organize my thoughts the right way and figure out what exactly I’m upset about and why.

The second this is.. what was he going to say that wasn’t going to make me more upset?

That I wasn’t “really” their mother? That the kid’s didn’t even get anything for the Crack Whore?

Because that’s what he would have said.. not to undermine ME but on the defensive becaue he didn’t think about it.. or thought to think about it..

And I guess maybe that’s what’s bothering me the most… that even though “something” isn’t anything that he would normally concern himself with.. he should have only because he knew it would be important to me…

Just think of ME alittle, yknow?

To put it simply… he when he went to the market earlier, he stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts and bought coffee.

On the way home from my grandmother’s, I stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts and bought coffee… for me AND for him…

I don’t think I’m wrong on this one… I know that previously I’ve posted about stuff that I may have been unfair with my thinking or actions… but not this time.

No, not this time.