Posts Tagged ‘Jesus Christ’

Witness

Posted: January 18, 2011 in Just Me
Tags: , , , , , ,

Hi!!! It's Leese!! I should be sleeping!!!

Something’s been weighing on my mind lately …

I’ve been keeping this blog for a little over two years and y’know, reading over it I realized that as much as things stayed the same, there are things that have changed.

Well, okay.. one thing.

Me.

And really, that’s to be expected. People grow .. people change.. circumstances and situation form different thinking patterns, etc. etc. etc.

You know.. the book of my life is open :: hello!! do you READ this blog?? :: .. I don’t hold on to the past and there’s very, very little that I regret. My experiences have made me who I am and I kind of dig me. Not everybody does.. I can be an “acquired” taste *cough cough* but that’s cool. I don’t like everybody either. But I don’t let them get under my skin.

Agree to disagree and call it a day.

One thing I noticed though, it that I’ve only recently began expressing my faith on here. How much I rely on it.. how much it gives me comfort.. how much it sees me through my hard times.

And yknow, I understand that not everyone shares that.. and again, that’s cool. I recently told someone who has zero belief in anything and made a comment about losing friends and family because of it that I never abandoned someone because they don’t share the same believes as me. It’s not my style.. not how I was raised.. not what my faith tolerates.

I also understand that my faith in God and Jesus Christ confuses some people.

If I were a REAL Christian, I wouldn’t watch reality shows

If I were a REAL Christian, I wouldn’t drop the F Bomb

If I were a REAL Christian, I wouldn’t wear green and tie my shoelaces in a weird way.

Ridiculous, right?

I am a child of God and stand behind his shield but I am also a sinner. I don’t deserve His redemption.. I don’t deserve the sacrifice of Christ’s blood. It is only through His love that I am forgiven. And I don’t take that lightly .. I am not the be all and end of Christians. I make mistakes, I ask for forgiveness. I receive it.

Ok..

That’s a little more wordy then I wanted it to be but it’s almost 3am.. I’m wide awake.. and it’s finally quiet in the house so just bear with me a little, ok?

At any rate.. I just felt the need to tell my story. To let you know how I came to this place in my life. Many of you already know it but for the newbies, I wanted to let y’all in on the secret!! LoL!

I was always left of center as a kid. I have an older brother.. the “golden” child.. and believe me, he was a hard act to follow. Not because he was so great and wonderful but because my parents had lost a number of babies before having him.. and when he was an infant he became very sick and almost died. His prognosis wasn’t good.. if he lived past 5, he would be mentally challenged.

Only by the grace of God, he wasn’t. He went on to become very successful in his chosen career.. married a nephrologist and had a beautiful son. His path :: other then his childhood illness :: was relatively smooth.

I'm a complete and utter goofball

Mine? The complete opposite.

Now, I’m going to say something that might get some people’s knickers in a twist but remember: my feelings and emotions are valid. You don’t have to agree.. only to accept.

I don’t want to give the impression that my parents didn’t love me.. they did. Just not the same as my brother.  There wasn’t necessarily a fairness, if you know what I mean. I did have it better then most. I lived with both my parents, there were really no dysfunction except for what I created in my mind.. and they provided for me the best they could but I always felt that there was “something” missing.. that I wasn’t good enough.. or wasn’t accomplished enough.. or didn’t have the right job or go to the right college..

What I think I’m trying to say is that they didn’t expect as much from me as they did from my brother.. and that’s just as bad, if not worse, then expecting too much.

And so I sought that love in all the wrong places.. mainly my first husband, the Spawn From Satan’s Ass.

If I loved myself as much as I do now, he would have just been a blip on my love-radar. But I didn’t and he wasn’t.. in fact, he played a HUGE part in putting on the path to salvation.

Believe me, if he knew that he’d be cursing up a storm because that LAST thing he’d want to give me is something good! LoL!

The abuse.. disguised as control.. disguised as love.. started within the first month. There were sooo many flags and neon arrows that my too low self esteem didn’t recognize. He distanced me from my family and my friends. Neither of whom were fond of him.. surprise surprise.

I’m not going to go into the Four Horseman of Abuse that I suffered when with him. We were together for 18 years before we divorced so there was A LOT of it .. I’m not going to go into the cutting either.. because that’s not the focus of this post.

I just want you to flash back to 1993.

At the time, me and the Spawn From Satan’s Ass were living together.

I don’t remember the exact circumstance, but one day he turned on the radio to a Christian station and there was a guy on there doing a Bible study.

Being raised Catholic and enduring 12 years of Catholic school, I couldn’t remember a time when reading the Bible was encouraged. So like everything new that I get interested in, I jumped right in.

The Spawn, on the other hand, had proclaimed a different religious affiliation almost every week. He was always “something”.. except what he really needed to be. But more on that later.

So this became the only radio station that we listened to and that would have been okay if it wasn’t for the fact that the man doing the Bible study truly believed that the world was going to end in 1994. He did all this research and connected all these dots and even wrote a book proclaiming that Christ would return in September 1994. He even had a date but I forgot it.

Now, I did learn in my youth that God said that we wouldn’t know the time of Christ’s return but that didn’t seem to phase this dude or The Spawn.. September was IT.

And The Spawn, fearing for his eternal salvation, insisted we get married. I didn’t want to get married.. honestly, I was afraid of what my family would think. But I was more afraid of him.. so down to the JOP we went. On March 24th, 1994.

Right under the wire.

Of course, Christ didn’t come back in 1994.. and The Spawn’s interest in anything to do with Christianity waned. But mine didn’t.

Something lit inside me.. some spark.. something deep down started to emerge. I knew I wasn’t living my life right.. knew that there was more.. way more..  but I was still in my spiritual infancy.

The Spawn was one of those, “… if there’s a God, I’d hit the lottery” kind of people. There were things that happened during our marriage that he felt would have put us on easy street if there were a God and when they didn’t come to pass, he would get angry and take that anger out on me.

It was hard. Beyond hard. But I stayed. Why? Well, pick your favorite. I didn’t believe in divorce.. I didn’t want to hear the “I told you so” .. I felt sorry for him.. the list goes on.

During those years, I started praying more.

I started relying on God more.

I started to recognize that I was not alone.. even in the closet where I huddled, scared and crying and afraid for my life.. I was not alone.

When he had me committed to a psych ward because I started to fight back in defense and to him, that meant that I was out of my freakin’  mind.. I was not alone.

When I was forced to listen to him telling me how ugly I was.. how fat I was.. how no one else would want me.. how I was disgusting.. how no one liked me.. I was not alone.

And that gave me strength.

Knowing that I could get through whatever was thrown at me gave me strength and strengthened my faith.

It took me a few more years before I left.

By that time, there was no recognizable relationship left.. The Spawn had completely fallen into his alcohol-induced psychosis and lived in the world made up in his head… the world where I was the reason for every single bad thing to ever happen in his life and everything that would happen in his life.

I used to say that even Tsunami’s in Indonesia were my fault because that’s how he made things seem.

Leaving opened up a whole other can of worms for me .. and my mother and grandmother. He stalked.. he terrorized.. he broke into their homes to leave letters for me .. he used Bella as an emotional hostage.. it was horrible and cruel and seemed like it was never going to end.

But it did .. and not only did God see me through this, he had a light at the other end and that was Chief.

Look.. I know I complain a lot about him.. I know that I’ve expressed doubts about his feelings for me .. and I am so sorry if I’ve given you the wrong impression of him.

Sometimes when I’m upset or mad or hurt, I blog about it. It’s a way for me to sort out my feelings but sometimes the post are knee-jerk and I really need to start calming down and sorting through the emotions before jumping on my laptop.

My bad.

Anyway.. so I meet Chief and did ever meet some one and know that he was THE ONE?

Within the first hour, I knew. I just did.

But what really confirmed it for me was HIS faith. He wass raised Pentecostal but because of his trials and tribulations, he became a deeply devoted and committed to reading the Bible .. understanding God’s word and living his life as a testament.

Honestly, he should be a preacher. He is soo passionate when he talks about Jesus’ salvation and used every opportunity in our store to witness. He’s is much bolder then I am. But even though he can recite chapter and verse and I can’t, we each have our way and that’s ok.

He has shown me the how I deserve to be treated.. he has made me comfortable in my own skin and let’s me be me. In fact, he celebrates me. I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not or be afraid to disagree with him or challenge him.

And it wasn’t chance that brought us together. it wasn’t coincidence.

It was God.

Because God knew I needed someone that would not only love me, but to be my guide.. to help me walk my path and remind me of who is leading me when I feel overcome with doubt and burdened with worry.

He’s the calm.

There have been sooo many instances in my life where God’s hand has been on me. So many instances where He knew so much better then I.

I trust that now..

I am still me.. wacky.. left of center.. silly.. open minded.. and with an open heart.

But I am a better me .. and trying to be even more so.