Right off the bat, the day didn’t start off without some kind of something.
Chief had to go to the wholesalers early so I had to stop and get my own coffee and cigarettes. I was in line at the local convenience store and who do I run into?
Spaz’ teacher.
We have this NICE.. LONG.. conversation about him and his behavior and every I suspected was dead on. He wasn’t not feeling good the day before or ever but they have to send him down and they know it. So does he.
I thought yesterday would be a little better. Especially because I downloaded The Offsprings “Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace” and Kings Of Leon’s “Only By The Night” albums from iTunes.
Buying music usually puts me in a good mood.
I called Chief and told him that I had to stop and pay the rent. He asked what was for dinner and I told him I had no clue. He suggested I swing by the Polish butcher’s near my job for kielbasa. I told him I would and if they were closed then I’d go to the regular market BUT I wasn’t going to stop at the store.. I was going to go right home to start dinner.
He was fine with that.. as he said, “.. You have way too much to do but won’t admit that it’s too much”.
So I did all that but when I got to the house, Spaz is there still in his school clothes. So I asked him why he didn’t change and walked into the kitchen with the bags and started getting dinner ready.
He asked again for the telescope and I told him he wasn’t getting it until he proved he was responsible… and considering that last night he took a shower and DID NOT change his underwear does not prove anything other then he’s a pig.
I said again something about Child Youth Services again and he said that the Crack Whore only said that to scare his dad.
WHAT?
WAIT.
WHAT?
OMG.. I fucking went off the chain. I said, “Scare him? SCARE HIM? Scare him into what? Getting YOU to change your underwear? Getting YOU to take a shower when your suppose to? Getting YOU to do what your told to do? Why didn’t she try scaring YOU instead of your father. That man doesn’t do a DAMN THING and this is what he gets.”
OMG.. I can’t even begin to tell you how torqued I was.
And then it all came out.. how Chief has to be there for them because he’s their father but I CHOOSE to be here because I love them.. I told him that I NEVER talk down about her to him but I was going to tell him something that if it hurt his feelings then oh fucking well.. I told him that the only reason why she’s pushing the issue is that she wants the child support money not necessarily the child.
I told him that she lives 3 blocks away.. if she really wanted you around then why didn’t she take you on the weekends? There’s no custody agreement.. all she has to do is ask Chief but she never does. She lives 3 blocks away.. ON THE WAY HOME FROM SCHOOL .. why doesn’t she ever tell him to stop in after school?
I told him that if she called CYS.. then I was calling DEA. I have WAY too many friend who are federal agents in all areas of the federal government… IRS, ATF, DEA, CIA .. :: sometimes it’s good being me :: and I will reign hell down on her if she continues to fuck with my family.
When Chief came home, we ate dinner and when he went into the bedroom I followed him and told him about the conversation I had with Spaz.
I said that I was under the impression that the nurse was going to call… he didn’t say anything. Nothing. So I don’t know if whatever…
Anyway, I had to run to the store to buy Spaz 130 pairs of boxer shorts and when I came back :: all of like 30 minutes later :: Chief was asleep.
And there he remained.
All night.
I watched something at 9. Can’t remember and almost go through all of Real Housewives of New Jersey before conking out.
Thinking about everything today.. I really do believe that I am done with all this shit. I feel distant from him.. I feel like his feelings have changed and there’s none of what brought us together left. Everything now feels fake. Like he has to kiss me.. or tell me he loves me.. because that’s what’s expected.
I just feel like I’m drifting along without a horizon in sight
LIVING ME 101 