Posts Tagged ‘House’

Did you ever have a dream that you dream every once in a while? I mean.. the SAME dream.. exact same. The kind of dream that plays out like a movie even though the infamous “they” say that you don’t dream in color?

I have one of them… and it popped into my subconscience last night.. and since I’ve been sleeping for the past 11 hours .. YOU, my dear friends, are going to hear ALL about it!! LOL!!

NOTE: I am actually feeling better today except for this big ball of rubber cement that’s lodged right above the back of my throat and won’t move no matter how many disgusting grunting sounds I make.

The start of the dream always begins at different points.. in this case, I was in my grandmother’s old three story house.. walking up the stairs to the second floor. It was dark and I was cautious … afraid even.. and out of the corner of my eye I see a blanket coming towards me. Not just a blanket.. but someone holding the blanket that wants to wrap me up in it.

You know how in the dream you can’t move your legs to run or arms to punch? Insert that here. I tried moving my arms up to hit whomever was going to kidnap me but the effort was fruitless.

Cut to next scene and I’m stuffed in .. ok, this is going to sound weird .. one of the engines of a small airplane. There’s a person stuffed in there next to me which turns out to be my brother in law. A brother in law that I don’t have in real life. I see somebody walking across the parking lot? or whatever it’s called where small airplanes park.. and push my “brother in law” out of the engine hoping that this person will find him.

He goes unnoticed as the person walking through the parking lot gets into the plane. Oh. The pilot. Well.. guess I better get MY simple ass out of the airplane engine, huh?

But instead of getting OUT, me in my infamous wisdom go UP and I am not sitting in the airplane next to the pilot who looks suspiciously like John Lithgow.

We’re in Florida :: no clue, so please don’t ask :: and as we are taking off the pilot is all distraught because he is avenging his son Patrick for what happened at Three Mile Island. It hits me that this idiot has no plans of ever landing the plane himself.. that he’s just going to let it fly until it runs out of gas.

We’re only a few feet off the ground.. flying over this small river and I can see these hot latino boys hunting moose. :: Again, no clue so please don’t ask :: and figure.. yknow.. HELP! .. so I tap the pilot in the head with a police badge which knocks him out and the plane goes down.. but goes down really, really softly so that I’m able to hop out and run towards the hot latino boys hunting moose.

This is like.. The Lord of the Flies.. kinda? If you get my drift? So me being there did not warrant a luau or even a mango breaking ceremony. I literally throw myself at the hottest latino boy :: because.. yknow.. why wouldn’t I? :: and the next thing I know we’re walking through this space of many rooms where I’m being introduced to everyone in the tribe.

NOTE: Don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression so when I say “boy”.. I don’t mean “boy”.. I mean “way over the age of concent” .. Come on.. I’m 44.. any guy under the age of 30 is a “boy” to me!! LOL

And we kind of get close in a romantic sort of way. Well.. okay.. it was just a full out lust-krieg, who am I kidding! And then him and his crew of hot latino boys make sure that I am safely returned home.

And there it is.

I probably have this dream at least once a year.. no particular time or event that I’ve been able to tag triggers it. Just pops up and gets me all warm and fuzzy for hot latino boys that raise pit bulls and hunt moose in Florida.

Oddly.. after I woke up from this dream, I got up.. drank a glass of water and then went back to sleep and had ANOTHER dream but this time featuring one of my old boyfriends. The hot Hawaiian Air Force Sargent boyfriend.. who I SWEAR I didn’t know had a wife and two kids back in wherever his base was then.  ‘Cause Leese don’t roll that way. Anyway.. I haven’t even thought about him in DECADES so I’m blaming that one on the fever!!

Yep, definitely the fever!

Okay…

So we have to back up a little here…

The other day I came home from the shop and went into my bedroom to change my clothes.

For some unknown reason that I can only attribute to the fact that God takes care of babies and fools :: HINT: I’m not a baby :: I look down.

And there it is.

ME: Spaz?Spaz??SPAZ!!!!!!!!
SPAZ: Are you calling me?
ME: UM.. yea.. can you come here please?
SPAZ: What?
ME: (pointing to the floor) Can you get rid of THAT please?

NOTE: THAT being a mouse

SPAZ: Oh. Ok. I’ll get a tissue
ME: Ok.
SPAZ: What do you want me to do with it?

CONFESSION: I couldn’t watch

ME: I don’t know.. throw it outside?
SPAZ: I’m going to have to drown it
ME: WHAT??
SPAZ: (so matter-of-fact that I would be scared if it wasn’t for the mouse) Leese, it’s still alive.. you can’t make it suffer
ME: WHAT??? No, it isn’t
SPAZ: Uh-huh! Look at it.

Against better judgment, I did look. And he was right. OMG was he right!

ME: Well… well… I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.. just do what you got to do
SPAZ: (all proud of himself for being the man of the house at that moment) Ok. I’ll just drown it in the bucket like dad did..
ME: WHHHAAATT????
SPAZ: Hm. Guess I shouldn’t have told you that, huh?

So he did what he did :: and probably called the critter BUBBA while he was doing what he had to do :: and I promptly had a self induced black out so I wouldn’t remember it.

The following night.. at about 2am.. I had to go to the bathroom. I was in one of those not-even-awake stupors so instead of my usual jump up and down REALLY hard while turning on all the lights routine, I just made my way down the 4ft of hallway to my bathroom.

And stepped on something.

Squishy.

I squealed like I never heard another human being squeal before ending with CHIEF!CHIEF!OMG!GETUP!OMG!HELP!HELP!

Chief come running out of the bedroom .. well.. that’s an exaggeration because like I said, it’s only about four feet from my bedroom door to the bathroom and I was only halfway there.. and finds me leaning up against the wall with my foot up almost sobbing OMG!OMG!OMG!

He had the good sense not to chastise me on the whole “.. taking the Lord’s name in vain” thing.

“Good God, woman, what are you screaming about?”

Actually, that’s not what he said but I KNOW he was thinking it!!

OMG! I stepped on a mouse.. I can feel it between my toes! Get it off! Get it off! GET. IT. OFF!

All of a sudden he starts getting hysterical and I tell him that he has every right to laugh AFTER he gets the mouse off of me.

Through the gasps of air he’s trying to breath.. he points to my foot and tells me that it isn’t a mouse.

OF COURSE, IT’S A MOUSE YOU DUMBASS! NOW GET IT OFF!

He swears that it isn’t but reaches out to my foot and takes off the offensive mass.

I don’t know what it is, he tells me. Look at it.

OH.

HELL.

NO!

There is no way in hell that I was going to fall for one of his “Let’s Make Leese Squirm” bits at 2am.

I tell him that he tells me that, honestly, it isn’t a mouse.. he doesn’t know what it is and it’s blue.

Blue?

BLUE?

I slowly open my eyes to look and it’s part of a stress ball that Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy had ripped apart like.. three weeks ago.

Where it came from and how it got to where it was is still a mystery but BIG SIGH OF RELIEF.. it wasn’t what I thought it was so I could die happy.

Apparently, the whole Get-A-Kitty plan is working out. Not for the mice.

So last night, we’re in bed watching Dexter :: great show.. you have to watch! :: and I reach over to grab my cup of coffee on the window sill and again.. for some unknown reason that I can only attribute to God looking out for the fool that I am, I look down and see a dead mouse next to my bed.

ME: Um, Yo.. Chief?
HIM: Hmm?
ME: There’s a dead mouse next to the bed, can you get it?

To his credit, he didn’t wait until Dexter was over.. but got right up and took care of the issue.

So what’s this all got to do with the title of this post?

Heh.. well.. if you haven’t figured it out yet then you may need to suck up some of that herbal stuff that makes your brain work.

This afternoon I came home from the shop and was getting the laundry together. Next to my side of the bed, there is a little hamper type thingy that I use for my own socks and underwear. Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy was apparently playing the stuffed animal that has no stuffing left next to the bed.

I step on in while I was leaning over to get my little hamper type thingy .. barefooted.. and I stepped on something cold. And wet.

Not really knowing WHAT it was but knowing that it wasn’t GOOD.. I did the whole “EWWWWW!!!” thing and shook my foot.. releasing what was stuck to it.. which was a cold.. wet.. dead.. mouse.

A cold.. wet.. dead.. mouse that flew into the wall and bounced back onto the floor.

The scream was real.

Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy.. deciding that he was going to get into a WHOLE lot of trouble for leaving a cold, wet, dead mouse next to my bed for me to step on… figured his best course of action was to get rid of the evidence. So he grabbed it and dived under the bed with it.

Where it still remains.

I called Chief up and told him what happened and the silence told  me everything I needed to know about his man.

He REALLY wanted to laugh his ass off but knew that that was NOT the appropriate thing to do so instead went into an analysis of it’s :: and others :: demise… that being that the kitten is getting the mice and Ernie, the self absorbed, narcissistic, self fuck that he is.. is taking them from her.

My psyche is scarred beyond repair, I think.

So I went ahead and dug my Burberry plaid rain boots out of the closet and will be wearing them through the house from now on.

Cause, yknow.. they’re rubber so I can just hose them off!!

I’m going to apologize in advance if I already posted this… I write here and there all day in different formats and I sometimes I can’t remember who I told what.

At any rate .. the rugs in the house are disgusting. They were disgusting back when Chief and I were dating but now after two dogs, they’re worse then disgusting. We were contemplating having new rugs put in but with the square footage of the house, it would have run around 3 grand. I don’t want to spend 3 grand on a rug. And it isn’t because we just rent the house because I live there.. don’t plan on going anywhere.. so if I want something particular, I’m more then willing to shell out for it.

No. The reason why I won’t put that much out is because of the kids and how they trash everything. I’m not down with having something costing that much money be ruined within an hour.

But underneath the carpet, there are hard wood floors. I always wanted hard wood floors!! A guy who happens to work for a company that restores hardwood floors was working on a house in our neighborhood and happened to stop in the shop for lunch. Him and Chief got to talking and hopefully he’ll give us a good price for the work.

Can’t wait. Once the rugs are out I can finally paint.. get new curtains.. get new blinds.. redo the bathroom..

Now, I just have to find the time to do all that!!