Posts Tagged ‘Goober’

Now that I’ve come clean about the whole marriage / divorce thing, it’s kind of like a weight has been lifted off me.. or the light at the end of the tunnel turned on.. because now, I just feel the freedom to really let you guys know what’s on my mind.

I had a lot of time to think tonight. Laundry night at the laundromat tends to be like that. Having nothing to do but watch front loaders do their thing while soundless televisions play shows WITHOUT the close captioning leaves little for mental stimulation or oblivion.

Bird usually accompanies me for some free therapy vent sessions but she has the mother of all head colds so I had to go it alone.

My brain is a dangerous territory to navigate when it’s alone with it’s thoughts.

Anyway… before I get into all that, let me give you some highlights of the past few days of my life:

  1. Remember Bubba and the cell phone thing? Well, his bill came in. All 53.00 of it due on October 23rd. Saturday when I left for work, his porky ass was sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket and his laptop. Before I left for the shop, I made sure the house was straight.. the bathroom clean and the kitchen spotless. When I came home, 7 hours later, Bubba was still in the same spot only my spotless kitchen was anything but. I told him to get off his ass and clean up the kitchen so it looks like the same way he found it because I wasn’t cooking dinner until he does. He didn’t do anything.. never got off his ass.. never even ATTEMPTED to do anything. Fine. After working 20-some odd hours, I didn’t want Chief to have to suffer for Bubba not doing what I asked him so I cleaned the kitchen.. cooked dinner.. and while we sat enjoying Grilled Rib Eye, Sauteed Mushrooms, Baked Potatoes and Broccoli I whipped out his cell phone bill, shoved it at him and told him that since he didn’t do what I wanted him to do I wasn’t paying his bill. He can enjoy his phone for the next 20 days but after that, oh fucking well. He just stared at me and before he could get a word out, I ripped it up.
  2. Spaz :: after doing tonight’s laundry :: is down TWO uniforms. Funny how he has them on when he goes to the Crack Whore’s on Friday and then comes home without them. But.. yknow.. she doesn’t have them. And let’s see, I need help spelling my first name, right? In fact, today he wore black pants to school. He came home late and I figured it was because the Crack Whore wasn’t home. He wasn’t in the house for no more then 15 minutes when she knocked on the door for him and he asked if he could go with her. I happened to be on the phone with Goober at the time so I told him yea, he could go but he had to change out of his school clothes first. He did.. leaving in a navy blue t-shirt with guitars on them. He came BACK wearing a yellow t-shirt saying that she wanted him to change it because the Navy one ( a size medium ) was too tight. No fucking shit. Your kid is like a 160+ pounds and wears a man’s 34 waist. AND HE’S ELEVEN. At any rate, guess what wasn’t in the laundry tonight? Yep.. black pants. Even though HE was the one that got the laundry hamper out of his room and I specifically told him to make sure he gave me everything.
  3. Tonight, since I’ve been trying to get the taxes together for the shop, Chief said that I didn’t have to worry about cooking.. that he would just order pizza. So guess what I came home to find? Pizza boxes all over the place, dirty dishes all over the place.. glasses all over the place.. the blankets that I had folded on the back of the couch all over the floor.. and the shop’s PS3 controller in the middle of the living room floor. I hope for fuck’s sake that the damn thing is broken. I really do. In fact, if I was the cold hearted bitch that everyone seems to think I am, I would break the damn thing myself.

So with all that going on.. and with Chief finally starting the ball rolling with his divorce, I got to thinking tonight… do I REALLY want to marry him?

Because, like now, the option is very real.

Before.. yea we had the little non-legal commitment ceremony… and yea, everyone thinks we’re married.. and yea, I use his last name but you know what? It’s easy to pretend those things when the whole legal aspect of it is not a possibility.

Let’s face it.. I always had my out. If I REALLY wanted to, I could walk out the door any time I damn well please because there nothing legally binding me here.

I never put my name on the lease.. the only bill in my name is the cable :: and fuck them, they can live without it :: and the cars are in my name. That’s it. I’m not even listed as co-owner of the store.

So if you get what I’m saying, him not being divorced allowed me to fantasize about the day when we would have the “real” wedding I never had knowing that it wasn’t going to happen. And knowing that it wasn’t going to happen afforded me the opportunity to put up with a lot of shit.

Now.. in about 90 days or so.. his divorce will be final and I know the first thing he’s going to want to do is head to the nearest justice of the peace and put the ring on my finger that I am now thinking of handcuffs.

Because then.. dear friends… THEN I will have no choice but put up with all this shit.. no options to just go if it gets too much to deal with.

So I have questions. Questions that only HE can answer but I honestly .. right now.. don’t think that he can be honest enough with himself to answer.

I’m not one to give ultimatums. In fact, I despise them.. but we’re talking about my life.. health and well-being here.. In fact, it’s pretty damn simple.

Figure out what the fuck you want. Honestly and from deep within your soul. Because if I’m what you want, then he’s going to have to man up.. let the hair grow back on his balls and release the testosterone when it comes to the Crack Whore. I’m not playing this shit no more and I have a deep seated suspicion that this is how it went with all his other relationships. Because, if he’s being honest with himself and I’M being honest with MYself I think that everything I blog about is the same damn thing that has happened time and time again and I think part of him is just waiting. Waiting for the same thing to happen again.

If that’s the case, then I really don’t have his heart. Only part of it.. and I deserve it all. I’m too good a person.. too good a partner.. too good a woman to put up with any less.

When I came home tonight and saw the destruction that was my house, I let loose my dogs of war and started cleaning things up .. banging the whole way.. slamming the dishes in the cabinet.. throwing the silverware into the drawers so that they clanged louder then Quazimoto’s sanctuary bell. I shoved furniture around so that it made that nails-on-blackboard screeching noise on the wood floors and I think I probably broke a glass or two in the process.

I stomped in my bedroom to get my laptop.. rousing Chief from his slumber in the process..

“Leese.. honey?.. What’s the matter? Is everything alright?”

I wanted to say, “.. no, you simple ass dense mother fucker” but I didn’t. I wanted to tell him that I was leaving and was going to go stay at my mom’s since she’s away at my brother’s because I just can’t stand to be in this house a second longer. I just said “no” .. and “go back to sleep”.  But in a forceful way.

And he did. Go back to sleep.

Which.. even though you may think I afforded him a pass.. is actually a good thing because one thing I do know about myself is when I’m like this, I go for the jugular and it’s best to not say things that you can’t take back.

My father always told me that words are like nails in wood. You can take the nail out but it still leaves a hole.

I don’t want to leave holes.. what I want is to sit down calmly and have a conversation about our future and what I require as a person to live my life without creating 1500 word blogs at 1am because I’m pissed.

… so there’s been a pretty heated conversation going on between Jen512 and my buddy The Goober about healthcare. If you’re up for it, you can read it HERE.

I was going to post my episode recaps for Project Runway and Top Chef but I think this topic is a little more important.

NOTE: Just let me set the records straight before I go on my tirade. I am not a liberal.. conservative.. Democrat.. Republican.. a sheep.. or a lion. I am just someone who tries to live right.. tries to provide for my family and loves my country. I don’t trust politicians OR the judicial system for that matter so please don’t think that I have a hidden agenda or am just spewing what I hear from someone else. I keep an open mind about everything and am the first one to google something I don’t understand before I form an opinion about it.

With that said…

Before I met Chief, I had very little :: okay, NONE :: experience with my state’s welfare system. I grew up in I guess you could say a lower-middle class :: or high lower class :: neighborhood where no one really knew they didn’t have anything because we had what we needed :: food on the table, roof over our heads, etc. :: and everyone was basically in the same position that my family was.

We went to Catholic school, went to college and then went to work. We got married.. bought cars and houses and didn’t have any of the drama that you routinely hear about on the news on in the paper.

When I met Chief, he was a working as a chef for a ridiculously high end caterer :: they wouldn’t do a wedding unless the price tag was a minimum of 50 grand :: but was making half of what I was making an hour. In fact, he was making less then an entry level position for the company that I worked for.  He was trying to raise 3 kids without any type of child support because all the judges he and the crack whore went before fell for her sob stories.

According to assistance limits, he was making too much money to get on any type of program that would help with electricity bills or heating bills but was able to get about 180.00 a month in food stamps.

That’s basically 6 bucks a day.

Which the state immediately cut off when he went on unemployment.

NOTE: There is a “down” time in catering and generally you work 8 months and then are laid off for 4 months. Carpenters go through the same thing.

If you think it was hard financially when he was working, imagine how hard it was when he was on unemployment. It was that reason why he decided to open up the store. The way we figured it on paper, my paycheck would be able to handle all the household stuff while his unemployment would go towards opening the store.. and then the store would be able to pay for itself.

He was smart.. and it worked. It was hard.. it was :: and still is :: 20 hour days and a lot of  sacrificing and a lot of worry and a lot of blood, sweat and tears.

I’m not complaining. It’s just how it is. We chose to open a store.. we knew it was going to take a lot of inner strength.. outer elbow grease.. and a lot of praying.

To say we work hard is an understatement. You can ask any one of customers and they will tell you that we do the very best that we can to give our customers things that they want that they can afford.

But what torques the hell out of my Chinese food suffering bowels is that while we are constantly pushing.. constantly striving.. constantly trying to make sure all our bases are covered, there are people that I wait on everyday who are just skating through life.. and think they are ENTITLED TO SKATE THROUGH LIFE.

The Crack Whore can run an air conditioner in every damn window of her apartment 24/7 and doesn’t have to care about what her electric bill is because she doesn’t HAVE TO PAY her electric bill.

She’s on welfare… the state pays it.

And guess what? On Tuesday, MY electricity was turned off because I owed a 28.00 back balance.

You read that right…

FOR 28.00 FUCKING DOLLARS, THEY CUT MY ELECTRICITY OFF.

Or how about this one:

One of my regular customers came in on Monday asking if she could get a few things to hold her family over until her husband got paid on Wednesday. Knowing that she has kids to feed, I said “sure”. So she got something like 25.00 worth of stuff.

As I was slicing her lunch meat, she tells me that she will be having Gastric Bypass surgery in October.

Now, there’s no denying that she’s over-weight. But Gastric Bypass? There’s no way that I would have thought that she’d be a candidate for it. I know people personally that have had the surgery and they were OBESE. Like, can’t fit through the front door obese. This woman is no where near that size.

But guess what? She’s on welfare.. so guess who’s paying for the surgery?

At any rate.. it wasn’t even that pissed me off so much.. on Wednesday, she came in to pay her bill with her mother. While she was waiting for me to finish up with a few people in front of her, she started checking our our shelves saying that she had her first nutrition meeting and was looking for things that she would be able to eat after her surgery.

She then tells me that what she is going to do is join Nutri-Systems after her surgery so she doesn’t have to worry about counting calories or proteins or whatever the hell she has to check.

You know what the going rate is for a monthly subscription to Nutri-System?

299.95 A MONTH!

You can’t make your fucking money stretch so you have to ask for credit from me to feed your kids but you’re going to spend three hundred dollars a month for Nutri-Systems???

WHAT THE FUCK!

So.. as delicately as I can be.. I asked her how she was going to be able to swing it and you know what her answer was?

“… oh, the state is paying for it because I have to have the surgery for medical reasons”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

I had to swallow my tongue because you see.. years ago.. I was 12 sizes bigger then I am now. I’m not that big anymore because I just started to eat right and I exercised. A lot. And eventually, I got down to a size 12.

No surgery .. no state paid food delivery service.. nothing but determination and commitment.

Then there was the whole glasses fiasco.

I needed new glasses and Chief needed glasses period. My insurance basically covered the exam.. the frames.. and the lenses but not anything extra like transitions :: where the lens get dark automatically in sunlight :: or UV protection or that kind of stuff. Chief needed a bifocal so because that was out of pocket also, I had to give up the transitions so that he could have the bifocals.

Okay.. whatever.. his was more important then mine and we could have only afforded one so the bifocals it was.

Two weeks ago, Weed came into the store and I forget how the subject even came up but he pulled out his little welfare medical card and said, “… I LOVE this thing. Do you know that I got two pairs of glasses that turn into sunglasses.. and I didn’t even NEED them I just got them because I could.”

Remember that scene in Austin Powers when the mannequins head explode?

Yea. That was me.

Oh.. and did I also tell you that the state is paying for him to get his G.E.D and is giving him a laptop so that he could study and look for a job? All because HE WENT TO JAIL FOR BURGLARY AND DEALING?

Or how about the woman that comes in bitching that her 700.00 a month in food stamps isn’t enough?

Or the other woman who BUYS a food stamp card from some barfly for half the amount in cash?

Or the couple who come in saying that yes, they can afford to have a second baby because they’ll be getting more food stamps when the baby is born?

Is it me or is something wrong here?

Why can’t the widowed father of 5 kids get any type of help from the state because omg.. he actually has a JOB.. but a baby making factory can get free food, free housing and a monthly cash stipend and is doing NOTHING to make her life better? Because to HER .. her life is SWEET.

“… I ain’t gotsta do nuffin’. Dey gotsta give me my money” .. that being an actual conversation I had when I asked what she was going to do when the state finally goes bankrupt and her food stamp card becomes useless

Some would say that I have nothing to bitch about because I choose to accept the food stamp card in my store. But I couldn’t have a store unless I take food stamps. The majority of my customers are on it.. and instead of having a moral struggle with it, I just feel like I’m basically getting my own money back.. since as a working person, my taxes go to providing them their lifestyle.

So you’ll have to forgive me when I hear about how the current administration wants to give MORE of my hard earned income to somebody else.

I’m struggling but because I had a job.. and I own a store.. nobody cares. Nobody is giving my kids free school supplies.. or school clothes.. or lunches.

No one cares about how I’m going to make my next car payment or utility payment or the fact that I had to cut out a lot of things that we’ve become accustomed to in order to keep a roof over our heads.

As long as there are more people with their hand out then there are with their hands in their pocket.. we are going to be forced to dish it out. And that’s just plain wrong.

Give a man to fish and he’ll eat for one day, teach a man to fish and he’ll eat everyday

… or something like that.

For more details on Food Stamps, read THIS post that I wrote back in April

<< end rant >>

Yknow… sometimes I just forget that I’m not writing a personal email!!

I have literally gotten tons of emails asking about this particular post .. and the comment I made in response to The Goob about my grandmother ( Nonna ) seeing an up close and more then personal picture of my Va-jay-jay ( snatch ).

Here’s the story:

A few years ago, I feeling some kind of lump? Bump? SOMETHING down in the nether regions. No matter how I contorted myself over a mirror :: um, you get the idea, right? :: I wasn’t able to get a satisfying view of whatever it was that I was feeling.

Since necessity IS the mother of all inventions.. or in this case.. curiosity seeking.. I grabbed my digital camera and started taking pictures in the attempt to SEE what was down there.

NOTE: Contrary to those who wink and nod when told this story, I was NOT taking pictures of the Va-jay-jay for ANY. OTHER. PURPOSE!! Dammit!

I upload them to my laptop and FINALLY get to see what the issue is. Turns out, it was just an ingrown hair that FELT a lot bigger then it actually is.

Satisfied that I wasn’t secretly implanted with something from an alien abduction, I closed the laptop and went about my business. That being a date with a guy that was SO going to include naked fun.

Hence the urgency to find out what the HELL was down there.

Anyway… so fast forward a week? A month? I don’t remember.. but it had been awhile. My relatives in Italy had emailed me some pictures of my grandfather’s ancestors and I took my laptop down with me to my grandmother’s to show her.

My mom had something she needed to do that night so I had to sit with my gradmother because she wasn’t well enough to stay by herself.

Anyway… so I tell her about the pictures from the family and fire up the laptop to show her.

My laptop at the time had a 17″ screen :: I believe. Don’t know for sure but it was a bigger one then I have now :: So I pop open Picasso and started a slide show of my families pictures. Not really paying attention :: there are so many oohs and aahs that I can appear interested in :: my mind drifted off until I heard my grandmother say, “.. what’s that?”

I turn to look at the screen and

OH.

MY.

FUCKING.

GOD.

There.. filling the WHOLE screen is my Vagina. Since the laptop was sitting on my grandmother’s lap, I just started hitting the finger pad to move the mouse and close the goddamn window.

Not that simple.. because.. THE DAMN COMPUTER FREEZES

Meanwhile, my grandmother keeps asking what it is and I keep telling her I don’t know.. just some random picture.. until finally I rip the laptop off her lap and snap the lid down.

I was somewhere between mortification and hysterical laughter when I called Goober and told him what happened.

His immediate response?

NONNA SAAAAWWW YOUR SNAH-ATCH!

NONNA SAAAWWW YOUR SNAH-ATCH!

In this sickening sing-songy voice!

Very rare has an opportunity gone by where Goob teases me about it.

So that’s it.

The whole story.

If you don’t know who Sister Fica Hedonista is.. read THIS

It’s been a few years since Sr. Fica showed his .. um.. hairy face. And with good reason.

Apparently, Sr. Fica’s whereabouts were revealed when one of the other nuns in her convent saw the good sister standing the wrong way in a bathroom stall.

Mind you, Sr. Fica WAS castrated after the father of one of his altar boys found out what really went on in the confessional booth but obviously this poor father was so distraught that he didn’t do that best of jobs and left a little nub.

Of course, there were also OTHER flags that didn’t make sense until her true identity was discovered.

Things like her habit of sitting on the couch with her legs open… scratching her absent balls.. hellatious flatuance and large hairy ape hands.

Identity discovered, Sr. Fica went under ground :: some say as an understudy in the Piora Theater’s version of “Black Patten Leather Shoes Reflect Up” :: and it’s also been reported that Sr. Fica appeared in an untitled role in Mamma Mia.

This picture of Sr. Fica was taken in an unknown unemployment office.

fica

Gosh.

Goober has a WIFE now!!! I’m really going to have censor myself now! I’m going to have to tuck most of the Goober Files back in the box hidden in the back of my brain!!! LOL!!

No.. so seriously. Goober got married.

He really did.

Honest.

NO.. HONEST!!!!!!

Goober and Raisinette have known each other for probably a long time. They were together as a couple for a long time but then broke up and somewhere .. sometime.. fate crossed their paths again.

Fate is like that sometimes. Especially when it’s having a bad day and just wants to fuck with people to get it’s rocks off.

What other excuse could there be? Right?

HUM???

Anyway.. so it wasn’t like he flew to Hawaii.. had one to many rum punches succumbed to the advances of the portly hulu girl that they hide in the back line.. WHO btw.. guilted him into marrying her because she swallowed.

Nope.. nothing like that at all..

Um..

I think…

I HOPE…!!!

No. No. Of course not! And I won’t get into the “swallow” thing.

What really happened .. according to the Goob is that it was just the right place and time. It just happened and that’s maybe the way it should be..

I can tell you that they got married on the beach…

I can tell you that he did NOT wear Man Flops

I CANNOT tell you weather or not he got a pedi on his ape paws. He says he won’t tell so that means HELL YEA AND I LOVED EVER DAMN METROSEXUAL SECOND OF IT!

Anyway.. all the best for Goober and Raisinette. I’d raise a glass to them but I’m at work and not allowed to have anything that could potentially be used as a weapon..

No seriously… I wish both of you nothing but the best!