Posts Tagged ‘Gift’

Ok..

This is DEFINITELY a man thing. And for all you men out there who are reading this YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!!

So this has to do with the Christmas .. and what I got for Christmas..

Now, let just say this right now. I think I’m the EASIEST person to buy something for because I appreciate anything. It really doesn’t matter what the gift “IS” .. To me, it the thought that you went out and actually looked for something that you think I might like that makes me go all gaga over it.

NOTE: Ok .. don’t do the whole WHAT ABOUT IF THEY JUST RAN INTO TARGET AND GRABBED SOMETHING OFF THE SHELF WITHOUT ANY THOUGHT AT ALL thing. Let’s just stick to the story and how I’m so goddamn noble for appreciating anything!!

So Chief.. having dangling things between legs.. asks me :: rather PLEADS with me :: “… tell meeee whaaaaat I can geeeeeet yooooou!!!”

Ok.. so .. if I have to TELL you what you want, then it really doesn’t meet my “gift” criteria. So the answer is always the same “.. Nope, cuz it doesn’t matter”. And he usually does a good job because you know, DIAMONDS are always a good gift, right girls?

This year, Christmas was a bitch. My unemployment check fell on the 23rd which meant nothing but running around to all ends of the earth.. then bringing everything over to Birds :: because the little heathens would search hell and high water to see what they were getting :: and then wrapping everything then driving all over creation to deliver gifts to the people that I wasn’t going to actually SEE for the holiday :: ie: Mom, Brother, etc. :: .. It was so intense that I’m seriously thinking of becoming a Jehovah’s Witness next year. Don’t mean to be offensive but they don’t do gifts so.. yknow.. that’s alright with me!

The Monday or Tuesday before Christmas, me and Chief were walking home from the shop

ME: I’m like.. really REALLY stressing over Christmas shopping
CHIEF: YOU? I’m practically pissing my pants
ME: Why the hell would you be pissing your pants?
CHIEF: Duh! Were we not just talking about shopping?
ME: Hmph. Like you’re doing any shopping
CHIEF: I have to get you something, dumbass.. and I can’t drive, remember?
ME: Yea.. but you only have to worry about ME.. I have to worry about EVERYBODY else. I’d rather have your deal, Bucky.

So the following day we were in the shop with Weed when the conversation started again..

ME: Hey! Yknow what? You worried about what to get me? Get me a dryer. You don’t even need to drive.. just walk your ass across the street. There. Simple. Done. See how easy that was?

CHIEF: I can’t get you an APPLIANCE for Christmas..

ME: Who says?

CHIEF: It isn’t right..

ME: It’s right if that’s what I want..

CHIEF: I’ve made fun of guys who bought their wives appliances for Christmas

ME: You mean to tell me you wouldn’t think I would be tickled pink if I woke up Christmas morning with a chrome LG Front Loading dryer in the basement with a big ass bow on it?

CHIEF: I’m not getting you a dryer. That’s something that we have to go shopping for together

ME: Are you fucking KIDDING me? You’re saying buying a dryer is a “couple’s” thing?

CHIEF: Nope. Not doing it.

ME: BUT I WANT ONE

CHIEF: and you’ll get one. Just not for Christmas.

ME: But I hate going to the laundromat and I’m backed up on clothes because the kids aren’t in school and I thought you’d be SMART ENOUGH to REALIZE that a dryer is THE. PERFECT. GIFT.

CHIEF: (rolling eyes) I’m going to get you a dryer. AFTER the holidays

ME: I WANT A FUCKING DRYER FOR CHRISTMAS DAMMIT

WEED: I think I’d get her the dryer, Dad.

The next day, Christmas Eve, he was going out to get me my gift and kept getting hung up at the shop. I kept trying to push him out the door, “.. yknow, the longer you wait the crappier my gift gets”.

So he goes and me and Weed are working and he says something about how he thinks he knows what I’m getting. It better be a fucking dryer, I tell him. He gulps and says that he doesn’t think it is.

At this point, I ‘m thinking that I am getting a dryer and it’s this big conspiracy to make me think that I’m not. Chief’s an ass when it comes to doing stuff like that to me.

He’s gone for HOURS. I mean.. HOURS. I actually didn’t think I was going to see him again until after the new year because like.. what normal person goes out on CHRISTMAS EVE to get his woman a gift?

Don’t answer that!

He finally comes back and tells me to NOT look in the back seat of the wagon. Ok. Find. A Dryer wouldn’t fit in the back seat of the wagon anyway.

I tell him that I hope he didn’t look in the back of the wagon because two of his gifts were back there. I already know he didn’t because he’s just oblivious to everything and like a typical man, if it isn’t right in front of his face, he doesn’t see it.

At first he says no.. but I convince him that they would be a bitch to wrap and he concedes only if he can give me one of mine. Yea.. sure.. whatever.

So I bring him in the braiser and stock pot he’s been drooling over for the past 6 months at the restaurant supply place and his reaction was just like the one I would have when I woke up Christmas morning and found a functioning dryer down my basement with a big red bow on it.

He’s all happy and I’m all happy that he’s all happy.

So he tells me to close my eyes and then tells me to open them. When I do, he has a box with this in it:

He tells me that he just SO wants to be done with the divorce and marry me on a cruise to Jamaica.

And yeah, I did the whole misty eyed girl thing because I actually am a girl and you know.. so who cares that he has an alternative reason for wanting our destination to be Jamaica..

So we go home and I’m still looking for signs around the house that SOMEONE had delivered and installed a dryer on CHRISTMAS EVE!! But nope. Nothing.

Christmas morning comes and I’m still hoping upon hope that the gift bag from him sitting under the tree has like, one of those doll house dryers in it. Cause, yknow, that’s something I would do if the situation was reverse.

But no. It was a Tom Tom. Now why the HELL he would get me a Tom Tom is beyond me because I’ve told him countless times that I didn’t see a use for them and would much rather rely on an old fashioned map if I got lost somewhere.

Which seldom happens because I’m good with directions and shit like that.

But .. yknow.. guess it’s that whole MALE LISTENING THING AND THEIR INABILITY TO DO THAT!

And so I didn’t get a dryer for Christmas.. and in fact, still don’t have one because we got into a financial hole because of Christmas and because my unemployment ran out.

But all of the above wouldn’t be nearly a FRACTION as bad if the following conversation held in the car the day after Christmas had never taken place:

CHIEF: You know, I rode up and down the Pike trying to figure out what to get you. I stopped here.. I stopped there.. I stopped at this other place.

ME: (Choking on the smoke that I had just inhaled) WHAT?

CHIEF: Yea.. omg.. you’re SO hard to buy for.

ME: W.H.A.T??????

CHIEF: I know you say your so easy to buy for because you like anything but that actually puts a lot more pressure on a person.

ME: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU MORON?

CHIEF: Geez, Leese.. what are you getting so strung out about?

ME: Did I not tell you I wanted a dryer? The ONLY fucking time I EVER told you what I wanted and you spent HOW MANY HOURS trying to figure out what to get me??

CHIEF: Did you really want it that bad?

ME: You’re an idiot

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for Valentine’s Day .. and for the sake of male solidarity, I suggest all you men out there do the same thing.

Ok.

First let me state for the record that I love my mother very much. If I didn’t, then I wouldn’t have had the reaction that I had on Friday.

So Friday afternoon, Chief closed the shop early and we went for a ride out to a local farmer’s market. While there, my cell phone rings and it’s my mother. She immediately starts telling me something about my grandmother’s heating bill and some application that they never received from the gas company.

Had a great Thanksgiving.. thanks for asking, Mom.

So I tell her that I wasn’t home but when I did get home I’d call her and look up whatever information she needed online. She asks where we’re at and I tell her.

HER: Make sure you buy me something nice for Christmas.

ME: What are you Spaz? What do you mean make sure I buy you something nice for Christmas?

HER: Just what I said.

ME: Are you implying that I don’t buy you something nice for Christmas?

HER: Well, just make sure it’s from a nice store and not from the farmer’s market.

I was like, are you fucking kidding me? It may not seem like a big deal in print, but you had to hear the tone in her voice and the little sarcastic “hmph”.

And the thing is, I never shorted her on a gift.. regardless of what my financial situation was.. and now this year, since I’ve been laid off and money is tight I’m already feeling guilty that I have to be extra frugal and can’t go all out like I used to do. I figured people would understand.. I figured MY FAMILY would understand because really, when the hell did the true meaning of Christmas become how much money you spent on a gift?

IN FACT .. this year, I was going to get her one of those 200.00 laptops.

Key word: WAS

It just really got under my skin and really fucked up the rest of my day.

So when I got home, I called her like I said I was going to but was my usually chippy self. She picked up on it right away and asked me if I was mad about something.

But the WAY she asked it lit the neon sign that made it clear that she knew exactly what was bothering me.

So I tell her that I was upset.. that her comment about her Christmas gift had hurt my feelings.

Her reaction would have made you think that I was accusing her of smuggling drugs in puppy belly’s or something.

She said she was only joking :: of course she was only joking. .that’s EVERYBODY’S excuse when they say something that hurts somebody else’s feelings :: and that there must be something else bothering me. I told her there wasn’t.. she got all defensive again and pulled out her violin. She said that everybody can tease but her.. which is bullshit and I told her that. Then she said, “.. OH, GO FIND A JOB”.

Like.. what the FUCK?

What the FUCK does THAT have to do with anything?

By then, the wall went up and I was like, “.. yea. Find a job. Real nice.”

I didn’t even want to talk to her anymore. So I told her that the online application that I filled out was submitted and hung up.

Chief knew how upset I was.. and he was getting upset for me. Especially the whole job thing.. because she will never accept that working in the shop that I OWN is work. And that gets under his skin big time.

The thing is.. when your a child, you see your parents as “parents”.. but when your older and see your parents as the adults that they are, you also see their flaws.

My mother is, deep down, a good hearted person. She’s generous and funny and devout. But she’s also very judgmental, negative and opinionated on things she has no business having an opinion on.

She uses the fact that I’m her daughter as an excuse to say and do whatever it is she says and does and thinks it automatically gives her a free pass.

And it doesn’t.

Because there is never a justification to hurt someone’s feelings and not own up to it.

A few Valentine’s Days ago :: is that grammatically correct? :: The Goober decided to send me some much needed love and thoughts and sent me gift.

This was at a particually rough.. bumpy.. and mentally taxing time and I really don’t think he’ll ever quite get how much it meant to me. AND for other reasons that I won’t impede on his privacy here.

And in keeping with the “.. all things happen to me and Dick Tracy” mode, it was set to be delivered to my office one a day when my region had one of the worst surprise ice storms in recorded history.

So I didn’t wind up getting it until the next day but when I did, it was a stuffed animal called the LOVE MONKEY.

I still have the note that came along with it in my box of memories but off the top of my head it said something about whenever I needed a Goober Hug then just hug the monkey.

… and I still do.

Very few people give me things :: outside of my birthday and Christmas :: so regardless of what it is, just the fact that someone thought of me puts me over the moon.

To show my thanks.. and appreciation.. I did what I always do when it comes to all-things Goober.

I send pictures.

So with a little masking tape and a camera phone, my freak was unleashed and I set a-snapping!

monkey

Not sure if he got any raised eyebrows from his co-workers but these are the pics and I STILL break out in hysterics when I see them!

I scare amaze myself sometimes!!!!

But was I done? Noooooooo!!!

monkeyboobmonkeycrotch

In thanks, I sent Goober his OWN love monkey.. complete with peeled banana and a message that probably made the person printing it out at the company blush!

Unfortunately, my memory isn’t that good and if they send me a confirmation email then I probably still have it. But I do know it had to say something about monkey humping …!!!