An Open Letter To Laura D.

So..

Hmmm…

Can I just say, “.. we’re fine, BITCH” and leave it at that??

Nah.. I didn’t think so!

You know.. honestly.. what kind of woman searches the internet for her former boyfriend, after over three years,  and when finding that he is now married and finds his WIFE on Facebook, sends a message to her trying to act all like Ya-Ya Sisterhood and tells you Everything! You! Need! To! Know! About! Your! HUUUSSSSBBBAAANNNNDDDD!!!!

Did you get the shrill? ‘Cause, honest to God, THAT’S the heading of the message I got via Facebook and I SWEAR I heard the shrill!!

I guess too you kind of figured out that um.. things ended BADLY between them?

So let me tell you a few things about me:

• I am not a jealous person. If someone wants to steal Chief from me then they can have him, his three dysfunctional kids, his crack whore ex-wife AND his goofy family.
• People’s past don’t affect my present or future. Unless of course, you keep key elements out that I really should know about.. like maybe you’re father has a penchant for squeezing boobs.
• The only thing I really require in a relationship is honesty and communication. Oh. And sex. But with plastic and batteries, I’ve moved that down on the list.

So I knew about Laura. The previous live-in girlfriend. I knew that she had had gastric bypass surgery but never had all the extra skin flaps removed so he wasn’t attracted to her sexually which caused a riff in their relationship. I knew that she was controlling.. argumentative.. was jealous.. had issues with the crack whore.. issues with the kids.. issues with his vices.. and treated him like another child in her house. I also knew that they made a deal where she sold him her SUV in exchange for his car and 1800.00 and that when they broke up, she had the SUV taken because the title was still in her name leaving him with three kids to feed and a job 20 miles away with no way to get there.

At least.. that’s what HE told me.

I’m old enough to know that there are two sides to every story and the truth. I also know that when you meet someone, they’re not going to tell you anything that’s going to put them in a bad light.

But like I said.. as long as it doesn’t have a negative affect on me, then it just rolls off my back. There are things in my past too. Everybody has them.

So imagine my surprise one day a month or so ago when I get a message on my facebook asking me if I am related to Chief. Now, my profile is set to private so no one can see my pictures or info unless you’re on my friends list BUT you can send a message to someone with a Friend’s Invitation.

Do I really need to school you on Facebook???

Anyway.. the message was from a male and so I thought that maybe it was one of Chief’s childhood friends. Chief’s twin brother Sarge is a Facebook fanatic and he’s always trying to get Chief to sign up. Chief wants nothing to do with it and every so often I get a message from someone they knew from childhood.

So I replied that yep, we were married.

A few days later, I get this message with the subject line I mentioned above and in it, she went on for about 18 paragraphs about everything he had told me only slanted to favor herand things that I already figured out from living with him.

As I read it, the words BITCH, PLEASE!! came to my brain after every other sentence.

I know myself better then to respond right away. I had to maul it over a little. Digest it. Dicipher it. I didn’t say anything to Chief because what good would that do? Chief’s cousin Bird happened to stop by and this was the last thing I wanted to do was go into it with her nosy ass so I started cleaning my closet out. When I’m this ball of energy, I clean.

I knew from way before that there were training manuals at the bottom of the closet that belong to her. I had found them the first time I ever cleaned that closet before I started living here and I left them because like I pointed out above, I’m not the jealous type and I wasn’t going to just throw stuff out that either didn’t belong to me or make it look like I cared that they were there.

But a weird thing happened and I’ll tell you, if you don’t thing that the universe ( in my case, God ) works in weird ways then you’re not paying attention to what’s around you.

When I pulled the manuals out to put them in the trash, a paper with directions fell out and on that paper was an email address with Chief’s first and last name. One that I didn’t know he had. Hmmmm… should I? He’s not really good at deleting stuff so maybe… hmmm!!! I’m not a snooper by any means. I mean, I know his password to the email account that he’s been using since I met him and never once checked. I don’t look in wallets.. don’t look in coat pockets ( which is why I always wash gum ).. don’t even open mail that’s addressed to him but considering the message I got from her on Facebook I figured why the hell not. Something is going to come out of something so I may as well be the one to MAKE it something if I have to.

Life Lesson # 65459: Better to be on the offense then defense

So I go online and type in the email address and use the password that he uses for EVERYTHING and … VIOLA!!

That easy.

And I found emails to and from her and it was everything that he had told me. He hadn’t twisted anything to make himself look like the victim and I have to say, I was impressed. And seeing the things she wrote back and realizing that she was having the same issues with them that I was and am ( cleanliness being first and foremost ) .. something kind of dawned on me that let all that angst about him and his kids and the frustrations to rest.

Bet she didn’t see THAT coming, huh?

And so I messaged her back the following:

You know, I think it’s bizarre that after more then three years, you feel a need to put yourself in his life. I’ve been through bad break ups before but I guess I have more self esteem then to troll the internet looking for an old boyfriend and then contacting someone I think is a relative but turns out to be his wife. You taking the time to write all that wrote actually just tells me more about you then it does about him. But given that I am a strong, independent and secure woman who has absolutely no insecurities in my marriage I’ll address your message. You said your peace, now I’m going to say mine and then that will be the end of it.

You’re relationship with him failed because you would not let him be who he is. You wanted to change him and there is not enough love in the world to change someone. You, by your own self admission, treated a grown man like a child. You consistantly took his self-respect and put him down to build yourself up. You wanted him to be who YOU wanted him to be.. not who he is. Hopefully, you didn’t treat the men in any subsequent relationships the same way. Or maybe you did and that is why you needed to find him.

The one thing you probably weren’t mature enough to understand is that his lack of parenting skills are the result of him not having been exposed to good parenting skills. I’m sure you know about his upbringing so how could you have possibly held it against him knowing that he did not have a good example to emulate? Again, that really says more about you then it does him.

As far as [ the crack whore] is concerned, she is the boys mother and will always be the boy’s mother. His willingness to allow the boys to see her whenever she wanted  has absolutely nothing to do with him still having feelings for her, like you suggested. You trying to close her out by not allowing them to talk to her when she was in jail was just childish and immature. Really, who did you think you were? You tried controlling every aspect of their lives.. treated [Chief] like less of a man.. started arguments about every little thing and you really wonder why the relationship failed? You were trying to force round pegs into square holes and look where it got you.

The other statement you made that really made me hysterical ( thank you for that ) is that fact that he’s an online predator of woman and cheats. Um. No. Just because he was not attracted to you sexually does not mean it was because he was cheating. And even though it is none of your business, I will satisfy your curiosity by saying we have a very, very healthy sex life. What good that does for you emotionally, I have no clue but you wanted to know and there it is.

Lastly, if it makes you feel better about yourself to think of him as a loser then go right ahead. The fact of the matter is that he has a successful business and after three years together we are gloriously happy to be with each other. Is all perfect? No, it isn’t. The kids are the kids and will be the kids. One either has to either work with it or work against it.

I work with it.. you worked against it. That’s why I’m here and you’re not.

So see, y’all.. I can be adult and mature when I want to be!! I haven’t received a message back and I’m certain I won’t be. And yknow, as much as I bitch and complain and vent and all those other things I do here about Chief and the kids, what it comes down to is the fact that this is my family and if you try to fuck with that, I’m going to fuck right back!!

Family Secrets – Part Two: In Laws and Ex Girlfriends

… wasn’t really busy in the shop today. The last few days were killer so actually being able to stand behind the counter and read all the drama surrounding Michael Jackson and his kids in this weeks US Magazine was really a welcome relief.

Out of the corner of my eye, I happen to notice Sarge getting out of a black car. Normally, when he does pop around the shop, he’s in his work van so I kind of figured something was a little beyond unusual.

He just doesn’t come around for no reason.

I actually was waiting on a customer when Sarge, his wife and another woman walked into the store asking for Chief.

I told Sarge that he was in the back taking a nap and why doesn’t he go back there and wake him up. The other woman introduces her self to me and I shake her hand, apologizing for smelling like lunch meat.

Sarge’s wife, the Sea Hag, says dryly that that’s what I’m suppose to smell like. She meant because I was working in a deli but you have to know her to understand the context.

The Sea Hag .. for no reason and certainly no basis .. looks down on everyone and so I think even standing in our store was giving her hives.

At any rate..  Sarge returns from the kitchen soon followed by Chief who gives an OMG!! when he sees the other woman.

The Sea Hag immediately starts talking to me about my mother in law and the phone call I had received from her. Again reiterating that they weren’t the one’s giving out my phone number and that it had markings of something that the other brother would do.

She made it sound sinister and I told her that even though I never met the other brother, I can see how he would think that my cell number was the house number and really, there was no harm.. no foul.

She started telling me all these things about what her and Sarge had done for the mother and how the mother completely trashed them. How they spent a hundred dollars on food for her when Sarge was out of work :: making it seem like a hardship :: but that the mother turned her nose up to it.

I told her that I felt bad for the mother.. that having worked for a hospital that had owned a nursing home and required me to train their staff there, it was hard for me emotionally to come across people that were just casted off. I told her that I :: before the vile voice mail :: wanted to go visit her and that I had wanted :: before the vile voice mail :: to send her clothes and personal items annoymously :: which, of course, she said SHE wanted to do too :: but that I had to honor and respect Chief’s wishes.

She said that maybe we could do something for her together.. go visit her together but not get her involved in our lives :: contradictory to what she had said earlier about not having ANYTHING to do with her, mind you :: but again, I told her that I had to abide by Chief.

That it was about the whole “love… honor.. and obey” vow.

What I believe.. and you have every right not to go along with me here .. is that at some point in a relationship, a decision has to be made where both sides are at an impasse. And it is at such a point where someone needs to defer to the other. It could be Chief deferring to me or me deferring to him but someone is going to have to take the lead and it’s in those cases where I honor the “obey” part of my marriage vows. It’s trusting the other person enough to say, “.. ok. I don’t necessarily agree with you but if you believe as strongly as you do then I’m not going to keep [something] from progressing because I think I’m right”

It’s basically the art of picking and choosing your battles!!

At any rate.. she was going on and on about how Chief should go visit her. And I mean, really.. the way she said it and pointed her finger at him I literally wanted to jump over the counter and punch her nose through to the back of her head.

But that’s the kind of people they are…

Only SHE AND SARGE were the one’s that had to deal with her.. Only SHE AND SARGE were the “good” and “faithful” children who went to visit her etc, etc, etc.

It’s a crock of simmering shit is all that is.

So I told her what I had posted before… I did not grow up they way they did.. did not see.. hear.. feel.. or bear the scars of their childhood. Everybody has their own story.. their own version .. and then there is the truth. I am not going to judge anyone.. am not going to feel annimosity towards anyone else based on something I didn’t see.. hear.. or experience.

I am going on Chief’s word because he is my husband and my duty is to him. If  he.. as he said.. doesn’t want me to open the Pandora’s box, then I’m not. Regardless of my emotions or sentiments. He doesn not want his mother in his life.. in his kids lives.. in our life.. and that’s the way it’s going to stay until HE tells me other wise.

She got a little indignent but I couldn’t care less.

Apparently, our conversation was over because she said something to Sarge about leaving. The whole time me and the Sea Hag were talking.. Chief, Sarge and the other woman were having their own conversation and as everyone started to say their goodbyes, I heard Chief say something about emailing him and then tearing a piece of register tape.

I assumed he was writing down his email address :: which he never checks anyway :: and then we said our goodbyes and everyone left.

After they were gone, Chief said to me “.. well that was awkward” and I asked him why. He told me the other woman was his old girlfriend from when he was like 17 or something and that he was kind of pissed that Sarge just had thrown that on him.

I told him that considering the way Sarge is, he probably had a chubby just thinking about how Chief was going to react when they walked in.

On my part, I didn’t think anything of it. I knew that all the brothers had tons of friends :: both guys and girls :: growing up and that Sarge had become such a Facebook geek that he had reconnected with a lot of them.

Chief had told me about this particular girl before.. how her mother was crazy about his long-haired, motorcycle, bad-boy ass and that she [the mother] was the one responsible for talking him into going to culinary school.

I asked him if he thought that bringing her to the deli was the reason why the Sea Hag was so interested in monopolizing my attention and he said probably and then when he first saw her his first thought was, “.. omg, how am I going to explain this to Leese.”

Which I thought was a typical male response.

And I can’t say I’m bothered by it.. :: maybe a little by Chief’s assertion that he could tell she was thinking that he looked damn good :: because everybody has a past and I learned long ago that I can’t battle memories. But the masochistic side of me wonders what he was really thinking when he saw her. You know, how everybody gets the “What If” syndrome?

Make no mistake.. I know Chief loves me.. I know he knows what his life would be like without me. I am not a jealous person.. I am not an un-confident person :: for the most part :: but I am still a girl and sometimes there is a dose of competition that surfaces when you happen to be thrown into a situation where your brother in law brings your husband’s old girlfriend to your store! LOL!

Actually, I just think it was a shitty thing to do. Not so much for the sadistic-ness is seeing Chief’s reaction.. but for not at least thinking about how I would feel about it. How did he know that I wouldn’t just get all bent out of the shape or have it become an issue between me and Chief?

The fact is that he didn’t because he doesn’t care. All Sarge cares about is himself and the hell with everyone else.

Nice guy, huh?