Corn: The Stuff Arguments Are Made Of

.. call us lucky.

Or call us idiodirts..

You’re choice.

Me and Chief don’t argue about the “big” things… the things that NORMAL couples argue over.. kids, finances, dirty forks the drop behind HIS nigh table and remain there until there’s enough fuzz on it to make a new antibiotic.

No.. our worst arguments have been about a nursery rhyme and corn.

The nursery rhyme is:

Balls, said the Queen, if I had them I’d be King.
The King laughed.. not because he wanted two to, but because he had two too.

Our arguments over the meaning of this diddy is intense.

BUT! The argument that has reached epic proportions over the last two.. yes! TWO years is over how many ears grow on a stalk of corn.

And like the best arguments, I have no clue how it even started.. or why we were even discussing corn stalks in the first place. I know at some point I said to him that two ears grow on a stalk and he.. the uber-chef.. said No. Only one ear does.

So I tell him about the time I went on a hayride to pick corn and the driver told us that TWO ears grow on each stalk.. one smaller then the other and that all the larger ears had already been picked on the stalks nearest the hay ride trail so he suggested we go deeper into the corn field to find bigger corn to pick.

Which I did.. and where, because it’s me, I got lost and all these horror movies scenes popped into my head and I had a mild freak out until my friends found me hyperventilating and in a fetal position.

Yea.. so this is something that’s ingrained in my skull, yknow?

So we did what every arguing couple does.. we reached out to the god of all information.

Google.

But we couldn’t find anything.. ok. I’ll be blunt.. HE couldn’t find anything that would convince him that every agriculturist in the world wasn’t in a conspiracy against him and so every once in a while, this comes up and we argue about it.

So trying to put this baby to rest, finally.. we did what every normal couple arguing over corn does.. we planted some.

While we were waiting for it to grow, I would ask various people that came into the store what they thought and every one of them said that there was more then one ear on a stalk…

I put the question out there to the mecca of information, Facebook.. and again, all the responses I got sided with me.

So while he was thumbing his nose at me one morning because there is only one ear of corn on the stalks growing out back, two of our regulars came in during one of our SHUT-UP-OR-I’LL-THROW-A-CAN-OF-TUNA-AT-YOU “discussions” and one of them happened to say that he’s seen up to six ears on stalk.

And.. oh my god.. Chief got so outraged that I swear he stared to grow his hair back.

I mean, it’s one thing for him and me to argue about it but him and the customer was arguing about and Chief was like, “.. I’ll give you fifty bucks if I’m wrong.”

And I’m like.. WTF?????? Because when Chief gets like that he forgets that he’s talking to someone who actually spends money in the store.

I tell them both to shut up about the corn because I’m tired of hearing about it.. Chief slumps back into the kitchen of the shop and the customer and his brother leave… ONLY to come back the next morning and instigate the whole thing over again by saying he was just at his sisters house and she has X amount of corn growing and Chief was like, I want to see it for myself.. and the dude was like I’ll get you a picture.. and Chief was like, NO.. give me her address so I can actually see it.

Great.

Now he’s going to get arrested for stalking somebody’s corn.

This time I stomped my foot and yelled that I was sick and tired of the whole goddamn thing with the corn. Nobody is right.. nobody is wrong.. there are a lot of variable to growing call and just shut the fuck up about it.

And they did.. because let’s face it. Men are just little boys at heart.

So this morning was brutal.

The bank that we use for the store is the worst fucking bank in the world and is getting creative about taking my money and making it there’s. They grossly inflated the monthly service charge which caused a check to bounce and so the account was in the negative when it shouldn’t have been.. my unemployment check didn’t come in and so I had to call the landlord and tell him that the check I gave him for the second part of the rent can’t be deposited and so HE wasn’t too happy.. and then there’s the electric, water and cable bill that can’t be paid.. which are already overdue.

It was one of those morning when we both just felt like saying fuck everything, let’s drive to Montana and live in a tent.

So he goes out back to just commune with nature and digest the situation we found ourselves in.. or maybe he was looking for a good place to hang himself.. hard to know.. but he calls me out back and I find him standing next to the corn stalks.

“Look“, he said pointing to one in particular. “Um, I think there’s another ear growing.”

I looked and gave my bobble head smuggy face, “… and you thought the day couldn’t get any worse, huh?”