“TIMBER” – The Story On How The Tree Fell Three Times

.. so I was going to get all Once Upon A Time-ish and start spewing this story about a lonely tree in the the Holiday forest that found a home in my house.

But dinner’s in the oven and I don’t have time so you’ll just have to be bombarded with the real story.

You can't really tell from this picture but the tree really is 9 feet

Ok.

First of all, let me tell you that the painting above the gel-canister fire place is a view of  St. Mark in Italy. My mother has had that picture for EONS and thought it was A REALLY REALLY NICE GESTURE to give it to me after I bought my first house. Mind you, this was after my father died and since he was the one that actually WANTED the painting, I think she just wanted a guilt-free excuse to get rid of it.

I don’t have the heart to throw it out.. but I also do not lack decorating savvy so I only hang it when she either comes over :: which she never does :: OR when I have to send a picture of the tree to her cell phone.

This way she thinks it’s on the wall.. I get away with her thinking it’s on the wall and everybody’s happy.

Ok.. with that said..

You have to picture this so that you get the full effect.

This is a picture of the right side of my dining room. The entry way on the left side of the tree leads to the stairway to the second floor.

The fire place is one of those “real flame” ones that use the big sterno gel things. They’re actually pretty cool. You can’t tell from the picture but the fireplace itself is REAL!! wood and even though they market the ambviance .. it really does throw off mega heat.

So normally … like OTHER normal families.. the tree is put up in the living room. However, with the addition of a hand-me-down sectional from my uncle, the 52″ flat screen and 110 gallon fish tank had to be re-arranged. Putting the tree up in the living room meant that everything had to be re-arranged again.

Man’s job.

I can move around the furniture but there was NO WAY IN HELL that I was even going to think about moving the flat screen and forget about the fish tank.

His babies.. not mine.

NOTE: Although our three year old fish, Mr. Pink :: fuck him, I named them anyway :: did not die after all. I think he was just starving to death because I finally remembered to buy fish food and he came right around. Ah, another story for another time.

Anyway.. so we decide to get the tree on Friday because of the STORM! OF! THE! CENTURY! on Saturday. The plan, as Chief tells it, is to take off the webbing on Saturday so the leaves can fall and then decorate it on Sunday.

Fine. Whatever. I just wanted a damn artificial tree anyway.

So Saturday comes.. and the damn thing is still sitting on the front porch with the webbing still on.

Ok.. so he openned the shop amid the blizzard and had to walk home through it.

Big hairy deal.

Sunday morning comes around and since he didn’t cook the big breakfast to celebrate the STORM! OF! THE! CENTURY! like he said.. I figured we’d get to the tree.

Nada.

By one in the afternoon, he was conked out in the bedroom.

Well.. I guess I’ll at least go up in the attic and get the decorations out. Maybe that will spark a fire in his ass.

So I go upstairs in the attic.. now, mind you, my attic runs the full length of the house on either side. So basically I guess I have two attics. And it’s a big space. If the roof wasn’t slanted you could definitely chain a few kids to the beams and keep them there forever a while.

I don’t normally go in there. Ever. But I went in there this time and it was trashed. All the decorations from last year were just thrown around.. broken balls all over the place.. wreaths strewn about.. stocking with all kinds of shit all over them just thrown all over the place.

The kids put the decorations away last year and when I took a look at what the attic looked like I WAS ROYALLY PISSED.

I MEAN PISSED.

REALLY. REALLY. PISSED.

NOTE: OMG.. I just remembered RIGHT FREAKIN’ NOW that the cops were up there when they raided the house last year. Shit! Not that the kids wouldn’t have just thrown the decorations up there but I bet you the police did the same thing to my attic that they did to my bedroom!! Um.. how do you spell “woops”?

Ok. My bad.

Anyway.. so my little pissed off self had a discussion with my little OCD anally organized self and I cleaned the attic. Not quietly, mind you. Cursing and bitching and all of that the whole time.

I bring whatever decorations I can salvage downstairs :: funny how all the ones that broke were from girlfriend’s past, huh? Talk about irony! :: and then stomped to the front porch .. passing Bubba who was playing PS3.. lifted the 9ft tree.. started to carry it into the living room.. felt something go “ccrreeeiinnccchhh” in my 44 year old back.. dropped it.. and then started to drag it across the living room almost knocking down the flat screen tv.

Fuck it, I figured.. if nobody was going to do anything in the living room to make room for the fucking tree that I didn’t want.. then I’m just going to stick it where ever it could be stuck and that’s the corner where it is now.

Who cares if it blocks the stairs? No one is sleeping in the bedrooms upstairs anyway so go ahead… argue with me.. I DARE you!

With all the grunting and dragging and hollering at the dogs to get the HELL out of my way, Chief and Bubba lined up like little Dr. Who robots to help.

Full of fucking Christmas cheer now, arentcha boys?

So the Ultimate Tree-Putter-Upper stands the tree up in the stand and tells me he isn’t going to secure it to the wall until I put the lights and decorations on it.

ME: What are you talking about? I’m only going to decorate the part that everybody sees.

CHIEF: You’re kidding right?

ME: You’re telling me I should decorate the back of the tree? The back of the tree that’s facing the stairway that nobody is going to be able to use? You’re kidding me, right?

CHIEF: But.. um.. isn’t that.. like.. a little .. um.. ghetto?

ME: OH.. cuz we’re so fucking bourgeois, right? I forgot..

CHIEF: Forget I even said anything.

ME: Good call, Bucky.

So he goes and does something.. don’t remember what.. maybe take a hit to take the edge off.. who knows.. but as I’m trying to untangle the icicle lights to put on the tree :: yes, I did say icicle lights. I like a bright tree :: nobody remembered that we have a very curious kitten in the house. A kitten who’s natural instinct is to get into anything and everything that will make my life miserable.

So while Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy is chasing the kitten through the house she jumps.

Onto the tree.

The tree that isn’t yet secured to the walls because Father Uber-Christmas wanted lights behind it.

And it goes down.

Hard.

Onto the dining room table where I have a decorate basket filled with Christmas balls that goes sliding across the table and onto the non-carpeted floor.

I honestly wanted to cry and I don’t cry over stuff like that but I was SO overwhelmed and that just added to the overwhelmed-ness.

Chief comes running out of the bedroom and Bubba comes running into the dining room and I just put my hands out like Diana Ross stopping love and said;

JUST.

GO.

AWAY.

They knew better then to argue and where probably relieved that they got a free pass.

So I cleaned everything up and lifted the tree up. I couldn’t secure it because I’m not tall enough to secure a 9′ tree.. especially when the steps are now blocked. So I filled the base with water thinking that would at least give it some weight and proceeded to put the lights on.

Everything was going well until my OCD self just HAD to do something with the fireplace.

Remember, it takes gel canisters but I do have real logs in there just for appearances. I had bought these lights last year that look like real flames but found out the hard way that they burn too hot to put them on anything that would burn or blow up so I figured HA! I’ll put them in the fireplace.

So as I was monkeying around with them, I figured I would plug them into one of the icicle light sets. Fine. No problem.

I crawl under the tree and as I’m digging around in the branches for the end of the icicle lights, Ernie decided HE wanted to know what was under there and tried to belly crawl around me.

Ha.. ha.. cute.. UNTIL he used MY BARE FLESH to dig his claws into to pull himself under. I howled.. instinctively jerking back and amid the rain of pine needles, felt the tree falling. And me getting soaking wet from the gallon or two of water that I had put in the base.

Again the boys came running and again I told them to get the HELL away from me.

The knew I wasn’t going to be able to handle this one.. being all wrapped up in a tree and everything.. so they helped and I give them credit for trying not to laugh.

So everything gets cleaned up.. AGAIN.. and I go back to monkeying with the flicker lights.. hoping to be enveloped by some kind of holiday zen.

I finally get the lights just the way I want them :: thank you duct tape :: and go to plug them in. You know.. to the icicle lights? Yea.. well.. the only problem with that is that when the tree was re-erected for the second time it wasn’t exactly in the same spot.. so the end of the icicle lights was further way and when I tugged on the extension cord to get more leeway .. well.. you know what happened.

If you don’t.. just take a look at the picture again..

Picture me sitting in front of the fireplace where that nice little glow is coming from .. see that where the tree is? Now picture where it would fall if you tugged a little too hard on the extension cord.

Actually the tree in the picture is pushed back further then it was when it fell RIGHT ON ME the second time.. but you get the idea.

CHIEF: We’re getting an artificial one next year, huh?

ME: I hate you

CHIEF: Oh, come on.. at least I didn’t say TIMBER!!

Meet Pretty

… soon to be re-named KATU ( as in Cat II ). Not sure if you can really RENAME cats but whatever.

The allusive kitty FINALLY came out of hiding.. in the daylight.. and I got her interested enough in a magical shoelace to stay put in one place and get her picture taken.

These aren’t the best ones.. but at least you get to see what she looks like.

NOTE: I can’t believe my walls do NOT look like their a weird shade of creamcicle. But that’s a WHOLE other story!

KATU aka PRETTY

ERNIE: But I'M the baby!!!!!!!

String? STRING? oooohhhh CATNIP!!

Heh! Somebody Better Tell Chief To Stay Away From MY CatNip!!

It’s Settled.. We’re Getting A Cat

… well, a kitten actually

A four month old kitten that had been rescued by Chief’s cousin Bird when she found her and her litter mates abandoned at around 2 weeks old.

Bird is like that.. a lot like me when it comes to animals.

At any rate .. Bird was telling me yesterday that she needs to reduce the size of her menagerie because they’re getting harder and harder to afford. Her menagerie includes the four kittens, two dogs, a load of snakes, hampsters, etc.

Basically anything with fur.. paws.. tails or skin that sheds.

So I talked it over with Chief.. and even if he would prefer an actual “kitten” kitten, Bird’s kitten is already used to dogs and uses the litter box.

THAT was important because my main reason for objecting to having another cat is the fact that I never really had one before and never had to train one before so I was at a loss… Since no one is home for the better part of the day, I was afraid that getting a kitten would mean MORE animal pissing around the house.

So this seems to be the perfect solution although I am.. really.. still apprehensive about it. But I’m even more apprehensive about the mouse (mice) and reading up on them, I only have so long to procrastinate before I’m over-run with them.

But we shall see..

I’m picking her up today…

Pics to follow

Terrible Twosome

MEET BELLA

Bella - Age 13

Bella is my 13 year old stray that I found when she was about 4 months old.. ravaged with fleas and ticks and who someone :: I’m assuming the person who dumped her in the park :: thought necessary to hack her tail off. Now she just has a stump that resembles a thumb when she tries to wag it.  Bella’s main interest in life is food and sleeping. She’ll sleep when no on is eating anything or will get up in the middle of the night with the munchies. More importantly, Bella only has about 3 teeth left. Nothing serious.. just something that happens with age. She’s a cranky old girl.. especially when Ernie gets his testosterone up and thinks she THE MOST beautiful creature in the world.

MEET ERNIE

Ernie - Age 2

Ernie is a Jack Russell / Beagle mix that we got on some farm in another state. I can’t tell you which farm.. can’t tell you which state. I can only tell you that I didn’t drive and upon approach, started bawling hysterically because of all the dogs that were kept in cages. Not one of my finer moments but it IS moments like that that make me endearing to a lot of people. Frustrating to others, though.

Ernie :: perfectly named, I might add :: was taken from his momma a bit too early and thus has this unusual need to be loved. In fact.. he is the black hole of love.. :: obnoxiously so :: draping himself over you like Sarah Bernhardt giving her best academy performance.

In fact, as I type this, his body is draped over my legs like a sack of potatoes.

There’s a reason why I’m introducing you to these two.

Yesterday the boys had cleaned their room of all the unwanted junk and broken toys and ill fitting clothes and around 6pm, I was taking all the trash bags out back because today is trash day and if I don’t get the trash out by the sun breaking dawn, I’d have had to wait until Friday.

At any rate.. there’s a door in my kitchen that opens to the top of the basement. The basement stairs are to the right.. the door to the back yard is to the left. It’s a tight space but I’ve mastered closing the kitchen door and opening the back door with enough deftness that the dogs don’t run out.

Both dogs LOVE being outside but since I don’t have a fence around my property :: my land lords choice, not mine :: I can’t just let them run around freely. Plus, we live on the point of three intersecting roads and that’s just asking for trouble.

So yesterday, as I was in another part of the house getting more trash to take out, I hear dogs barking outside.

Specifically, MY dogs barking outside.

So I haul ass through the house to the kitchen and sure enough, the kitchen door and back door are wide open.

FUCK!

I yell BELLA! and immediately, she appears at the back steps and starts to come in.

Spaz hears me yelling and asks what’s the matter. I tell him that the dogs got out and I had to find Ernie. He asks me if I want him to help but I told him to keep an eye on Bella and watch the front of the house in case he comes around.

I know how he runs… he runs towards the cemetery.

As I look down the street, I see Ernie toward the corner. It’s a short block so I’m not panicking too much. There’s woman across the street from him with a black setter-mix who’s just staring at him so I tell her he’s mine and start approaching him.

He.. the little dick.. decides to run around the corner.

So I go running after him. Yes. Me running. You may want to notify the authorities in Indonesia to expect a tsunami.

As I round the corner.. this woman with the black setter-mix starts YELLING that my dog.. that! that! BLACK dog..  bit her dog. I tell her that I will be right over to her.. I just needed to get Ernie first.

I run half way down the block before he realizes UT OOH! IM GOING TO GET INTO TROUBLE FOR THIS and starts groveling towards me like he’s subjected to routine torture.

I pick him up and carry him back to the where the woman is standing with her black setter-mix and a complete look of disgust on her face.

HER: Yknow, you really shouldn’t let your dogs run wild like that.

ME: Ma’am.. I don’t let my dogs run wild. I was taking out the trash and didn’t close the back door tight enough and they ran out.

HER: Well.. that black dog bit my dog. I looked down and all I saw was his hair in it’s mouth.

ME: Ok.. let me put this one in the house and I’ll come right back to make sure he’s not injured.

HER: I don’t know if he’s hurt or not. I didn’t check.

ME: Ok.. well.. I’ll put Ernie in the house and…

HER: He was mauled. That dog just came out of nowhere and mauled him.

ME: Ma’am.. I understand you’re upset. I would be too. It’s a scary thing to have happened but I really don’t think he was mauled. Off the bat I don’t see any bleeding. But if you don’t want to wait here then take him home and check. If my dog injured him, I’ll take full responsibility. My name is Leese and I live in that really big white house right over there.

HER: I should call the cops on you!

Ok. This is where I start getting really REALLY frustrated. But I hold my temper because after all, it was my fault.

ME: Look, if you think it’s necessary to call the police then by all means.. please do but I’m telling you that I was at fault and if your dog needs medical attention that I will be more then happy to pay for it. You’re getting no argument from me about anything.

HER: You.. you people… let your dogs run wild around the neighborhood mauling other dogs…

ME: Ok.. now look.. so far I’ve been courtesy to you.. assumed fault and offered to compensate you if your dog needs a vet… but I’m really starting to get a little put off by your attitude since it’s apparent that you just want to argue

HER: YOUR. DOG. MAULED. MY. DOG!!!

ME: YOUR DOG ISN’T BLEEDING AND MY DOG HAS THREE TEETH!

That shut her up but I re-iterated that I was taking Ernie home.. told her what my name was again.. where I lived.. and turned and walked home.

After putting Ernie in the house, I then preceded to drive to our local pet store to buy dog licenses.

In my county, dogs are required to have a license. I went in January to get them but the county hadn’t issued them yet. I went back towards the end of January and they still didn’t have them.

I then forgot all about it.

Given all the drama that happened in January.. you can see why it would slip my mind.

So I drive down there and guess what? Still no licenses. The girl tell me that the only other option I have is to drive 2.5 hours to the county seat to apply for it.

Wonderful.

I get home and go online thinking that with some stroke of luck, they would accept the application on line but of course… luck isn’t on my side.

So all last night I was worried that something was going to come out of it but so far so good… I know Bella didn’t “maul” anything because she can barely chew kibble but what can I say…

A day in the life…!

I’ll keep you posted